Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

I need advice! I may be BU but what would you do with regards to Christmas dinner..

72 replies

celebmum · 08/12/2011 11:25

We usually have all my family (12 total) at ours for Christmas dinner. This week MIL has asked us to go there for Christmas dinner, DH explained that we'd made plans. End of discussion... Nope!
SIL then calls DH and the basic gist of the conversation is that DH will loose his family if we don't go there for dinner [hmmm]

Cue DH being stressed and worked up to the point of losing his rag re what to do.

I have agreed to give backward and uninvite my family 2.5weeks before Christmas and tell them to fend for themselves. (we have the most room hence them coming here, no one else has room for us all!)
All I ask in return is that DH asks/tells PIL to put the 3large dogs that I am allergic to upstairs for a few hours so that I too can enjoy Christmas day.

I usually only go to PIL for an hour or so and take antihistamines but on CD with all the excitement/kids/gifts etc and the fact that we will be there a good few hours I just know that my allergy will flare up big time therefore making me uncomfortable/miserable. We are currently TTC and christmas falls right in the middle of 2WW so I don't really want to be taking antihistamines at this time..

Hope this makes sense!! AIBU?

OP posts:

mrsjay · 08/12/2011 12:01

your inlaws are being over dramatic its christmas frigging dinner , and to uninvite your own familiy id tell them NO and keep your plans , what are the ILs going to do disown you for not pulling a cracker with them , I think you need to stand up to them If i was univited for inlaws id be realy hurt ,

Ilovepigs · 08/12/2011 12:02

Op-why are ypu trying to please everyone though? You do know there are no actual medals for martyrs?

Seriously-you need to stop this pandering to them.

I predicted that my dh would resist us not going to inlaws and he did-intially. But when he realised that I was serious and I pointed out to him the blinding obvious-that I had been VERY accomodating to inlaws before. He saw sense and is now looking forward to xmas in our home and no rushing anywhere.

I would actually be more upset with my dh than with the inlaws if I were you. He is effectively saying their feelings are more important than yours.

WorraLiberty · 08/12/2011 12:02

I don't think Fellatio is talking bollocks at all

I think perhaps the Christmas days should have been alternated more evenly up until now, but it's too late to do anything about it this year.

SmellslikeSANTAScatspee · 08/12/2011 12:04

If you MIL is 'poorly' why does she want the hassle of Christmas Dinner????

Unless the woman has been diagnosised as terminal (God forbid) this is blackmail. (and if she is terminal, what is she planning to do? tell you over the turkey?)

allibaba · 08/12/2011 12:06

In that case celebmum I think you have answered your original post. If you can't see your family at any other time and the ILs if not invited before are more than welcome to come round, then stay at home, have your Christmas the way you'd planned it and tell your DH that to expect your plans to change at this short notice is BU.

Why can't we all have very simple Christmasses with families being reasonable and considerate - it is Christmas after all?! (sighs in a hopeful festive yet slightly deluded way)

Ilovepigs · 08/12/2011 12:07

worra-inlaws have spent xmas with the op and her family-how is that not sharing xmas fairly?

Op has a allergy which inlaws seem to not give a shit about.

Op has been more than accomodating to them.

People who threaten to "disown" you when you dont do what they say are not people who are being reasonable so please stop trying to make op out to be the bad one. Her dh and the inlaws are the arses here.

PiratecatClaus · 08/12/2011 12:07

so come on, whats the history of the power of the last minute 'demand' from MIL.

is it only because she's ill and she doesn't want to face lots of people? Or other manipulative stuff.

ViviPrudolf · 08/12/2011 12:11

OP in your opening post, you outline the situation as something already decided that you've (very graciously) come to terms with. Going purely on the opening post, your AIBU seems to be centred around the dogs & allergy.

Has your DH enquired about whether the dogs can be kept upstairs? Has this been met with a response?

I also think you're an utter saint and totally barmy in equal measure but I appreciate that's not very helpful right now

Pandemoniaa · 08/12/2011 12:18

We've got an unbreakable rule in our considerably extended family - Christmas is for convivial enjoyment, not duty and definitely not for emotional blackmail. Also, it consists of more than just the 25th December. We have 5 grown up children between us and an amicable collection of ex-husbands/wives so that's a lot of people wanting a stress-free day. Which is quite achievable providing nobody makes it an unutterably precious occasion or is unprepared to share nicely.

So while dp and I have happily hosted big gatherings at ours, we've also had smaller, quieter Christmas Days. Last year was typical because ds2 and ddil were expecting their first baby and concerns about pre-eclampsia meant they spent most days rushing in and out of hospital. So we spent Christmas morning at ddil's mother's house and the afternoon at ours. On Boxing Day everyone came to us. This year, we have the joy of dgd's first Christmas and will have a big family day with ds2, ddil and family. Boxing Day is everyone (except ds1 who is in the Wrong Hemisphere still) back to us for a lazy, cheerful day.

I explain all this basically because we don't see the need to do "turns" in order for everyone to get the best out of Christmas. It's all about circumstances and what is best for the greatest number of people year by year. If you start unbreakable regimes then what tends to happen is the pleasing of the few, not the enjoyment of the many.

Original poster

celebmum · 08/12/2011 12:25

Vivi, you're correct. As Unreasonable as this may make me I have already uninvited my guests .
We are going to ILS now regardless.

MIL is not terminally I'll no, but she has renal failure and her 3rd transplant has just failed so I'd say she is quite poorly yes.

There's no 'special power' that has enforced this, just that DH family are the kind of people who will fall out with others permanently of stupid issues. especially FIL and SIL. they're the ones using MILs illness as a blackmail. DH usually a very laid back fellow has seen red over this. He admits it's a crap situation but it's is family. What can he do?

My OP was more around requesting them to move the dog, I'm 99% sure this won't happen as they're PILs 'baby's' but given the fact that I've uninvited my guests etc to go there I think that they should.

OP posts:

ViviPrudolf · 08/12/2011 12:49

Is your DH reluctant to ask them about the dog situation?

RainboweBrite · 08/12/2011 12:53

I honestly don't know what to say about this thread. I was going to plead with you not to uninvite your family, but I see it's too late for that...

FellatioNelson · 08/12/2011 12:57

So how many Christmas days have you spent with the ILs since you have been married/together long term, and how long it that? (jus trying to get a feel for exactly how evenly they have been shared out, before I accept the bollox comment.)

And has MIL sprung this on you out of nowehere or have there been hints dropped last Christmas, or at any other time, which you have chosen to ignore? This apparent threat and emotional blackmail may be the result of someone finally flipping after years of asking nicely and getting nowhere, and always feeling sidelined. Perhaps she thinks you are very controlling of her son and he doesn't get a say in any of this? I need more info before I'll be told Bollox.

mummytime · 08/12/2011 13:11

Actually MILs situation does sound pretty terminal to me, eg. there is a good chance she won't be around next year. Maybe pretending this isn't happening is making your ILs unreasonable.
If you are going then, it needs to be made clear that either the dogs are put away, or you will be leaving as soon as your Asthma flares up (despite using anti-histamines etc.).
Could you possibly arrange to see your Sis and Mum in the evening for a tea-time visit?

FellatioNelson · 08/12/2011 13:16

Or maybe they were hoping that given it's probably her last Christmas her son would have wanted to spend it with her and they wouldn't have had to actually ask, and then throw their toys out of the pram in order to get a yes'?

ballstoit · 08/12/2011 13:17

YANBU to ask them to put the dogs. I'd put it to DH as you have to us...

you have uninvited family to go to PILs as you understand why he feels he should spend the day with his mother

- you would appreciate the same understanding from his parents about your own illness.

you would be grateful if he would discuss this with his parents

- if they are unable to agree with this, you will only be prepared to spend the actual eating dinner part of the day at PILs, arriving just before dinner and leaving straight after.

please will he let you know what his parents have decided on when he has spoke to them

TBH if they won't put dogs out, I think it's pretty safe for you to take an Anti-Histamine once while TTC. But I also think you have bent over backwards enough and you should stick to your guns and just go for an hour or so for the actual dinner if the dogs are going to stay in the house.

At least if TTC is successful then you know it's your 'turn' to stay at home next year with your snuggly newborn

Dirtydishesmakemesad · 08/12/2011 13:22

I would tell your dh either he deals with his family and the ridiculous temper tantrum they are having or he goes alone while you enjoy your day in your house with your family, seriously how you handle this will set the tone for every disagreement from now on especially once you have a baby in the mix as well.

SantasENormaSnob · 08/12/2011 13:23

I think it is cruel to uninvite people 2 weeks before Christmas.

Could ils not come to you instead?

Unless it is likely to be someones last christmas I wouldn't be changing my plans, nor giving in to blackmail.

nectarina · 08/12/2011 13:25

I don't think you need anyone to spell it out for you but YANBU - about the dogs and everything else. Please don't become a martyr - tell ILs the least they could do is keep the dogs away from you, if they kick up a fuss, go back on your plans and spend xmas with your family. Good luck with it, and please yourself for a change.

aldiwhore · 08/12/2011 13:26

Sorry but you should have allowed them to fall out with you, your DH needs support for sure as it would cause him a lot of pain, but you haven't done the right thing by the right people.

I understand why you did it, and I really feel for you, but you've played right into their hands, they've probably used this technique for years because its worked, you've just proved its the way to get what they want.

Also I'm sorry but illness doesn't make you a nice person, I'm sorry your MIL is ill, but that doesn't mean she has the right to upset everyone else, and change plans she's already agreed to.... if she felt too unwell to do christmas with you she could have said that, giving you the chance to do the right thing an offer to change plans.

TheFallenMadonna · 08/12/2011 13:34

You've given us the gist of the conversation between your DH and his sister, but only that. Is there a suggestion that your MIL is indeed terminally ill?

Crosshair · 08/12/2011 13:40

Surely kidney failure is terminal unless you get the transplant and it works?

Yanbu! It all sounds very stressful.

FellatioNelson · 08/12/2011 15:14

I'm a bit at this thread and all the replies. I am out of kilter. I must be missing something obvious. either that, or all of you lot are.

TheFallenMadonna · 08/12/2011 15:36

I'm with you Fellatio. Perhaps we're reading it differently...

ViviPrudolf · 08/12/2011 15:39

What's your take on it then, Fellatio?

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread