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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To cut my mum out of my life

30 replies

chinam · 08/12/2011 09:44

I have run a type of Xmas saving club for about 10 years. In 2010 my mum's friend joined. I collected the money directly from the friend for the first year but this year I've changed jobs and that made it impossible to do, so the friend gave the money to my mum and she passed it to me. That worked well for a few months but then some weeks she would give money to my mum and some weeks she wouldn't. I knew that her DH was hospitialised a lot during the year for severe MH issues so I stupidly didn't push the friend for the outstanding balances. Anyway, it has now come time to pay out the money and my mum admits that not all of the money the friend gave her has been passed over to me. There is a shortfall of £400. Mum spent it over the year on bills etc and now doesn't have it to give back to her friend. I have, of course, stumped up the cash. It's not the woman's fault. She gave the money to my mother in good faith. I've had to put off my own Santa shop until I get paid, but things will be very tight. DH is going nuts but he knows I had to pay the woman. My mother has done similar stuff with money in the past but it's been 6 yrs since the last time so I naively thought she had changed. I'm devastated that she has done this to me again after all the promises the last time. My sisters think I need to cut her out of my life. They pretty much have cut her out over different issues but I've always felt sorry for her because she had a crap life growing up and so I've forgiven her so many things. Now I just don't know what to do. She has said she will pay back the money but it's highly unlikely that she will. Does it make me a horrible person if I just walk away from this relationship?

OP posts:

QuintessentiallyFestive · 08/12/2011 09:49

Sorry, but you have been naive and possibly a bit cack handed.

What was in it for you running this savings club?
Why did you not speak to the woman direct about getting money direct from her?
How come you did not realize that your mum did not give you the money due until now?

Only you know if it is worth cutting your mum out of your life. But you are an adult, and have taken upon you to handle other peoples money, without really thinking about what you are doing, and that I find quite shocking.

Thereistoomuchconfusion · 08/12/2011 09:49

I think it's awful what your mum has done. I would put some space between yourselves for now then reassess your decision when you are not so angry about this situation. It must be so very hard to have your mum let you down like his.

2rebecca · 08/12/2011 09:57

I think you are taking this too personally. I don't think your mum did this "to you" but that she is obviously completely untrustworthy with money. She may still be a loving mother in some ways, you don't mention her personality. If either of my parents had done this to me I would lose a huge amount of respect for them and trust in them, I would have some concerns about what sort of state their own finances were in, I would never ever trust them with money again, but if this was the only way in which they had let me down I'd still love them and want them in my life.
I'd just let them know I was very disappointed in them.
I wouldn't expect my dad to never see me again if I did something like this, just to be treated like a juvenile delinquent with money.

MarchelineWhatNot · 08/12/2011 09:57

No, don't cut her out just for this. This is something that my mum would do, out of flakiness rather than an intention to steal. However, if it was my mum, she would then blame 'robbers' or some act of God for the fact that she didn't have the money.

At least your mum owned up.

Original poster

chinam · 08/12/2011 10:42

Thanks for the replies.
Quint: Nothing in it for me except it ensures that I also save money for Xmas. I've been doing this for 10 years. I know exactly the responsibility I take on in holding peoples money. That is why there was no question in my mind that I must make up the shortfall. I was stupid to trust my mum though. I should really know better.
Thereis: You're right, I'm so angry right now that I need to keep my distance.
2 rebecca: I wish. It's totally my own fault. I want us to have a good relationship so I just keep flogging a dead horse, but my mum really isn't capable of being there for me in anyway. I had an operation recently and I couldn't even tell her about it because she turns it back to how terrible it is for her to have to worry about me and then I end up parenting her.
Marchenlie: She only owned up when I arrived at her house to bring her with me to her friends house to hand over the money. If I hadn't decided to go into her the first I would have known about it was when I would have tried to give the friend her money. Again, she has form. It's my own stupid fault.

OP posts:

Panda1234 · 08/12/2011 10:43

That's horrible and I don't think there's any excuse for your mum stealing from you and her friend - she knew one of you was going to have to take the hit for what she'd done. Presumably if she'd asked you would have tried to help.

I think what you do depends on what your Mum does next. Has she set up a direct debit to pay you back or actually given you any of the money? Can you sit down with her and agree a very clear repayment plan?

Also, it's a bit late now but I think you need to tighten up the rules for your club, issue receipts, collect the money yourself and so on. That way if anyone is behind it's easier to deal with.

Panda1234 · 08/12/2011 10:44

I don't think it's your fault that your mum is dishonest btw - it's entirely down to her. It's not like you asked her to rip you off!

stellarpunk · 08/12/2011 10:53

God, that's a hard one OP.

She had 'form' and you gave her the opportunity to prove herself. And then she stuffed it up. You were right to give her the opportunity to prove herself IMHO and you have taken on the debt when it didn't work out. You have behaved like the responsible adult.

Yes she did confess but she has, to all intents and purposes, stolen other peoples money. That's quite shocking. Does the thief not go to jail because they hold their hands up?

Only you can know what to really do OP but I wouldn't cut her out for this. I would try very hard to get the money back but you are probably on a hiding to nothing.

However, it is clear that there isn't really a mother/daughter relationship going on. You are more the mother really. Very sad. :(

ToldYaSo · 08/12/2011 10:55

I don't think it's your fault that your mum is dishonest btw - it's entirely down to her. It's not like you asked her to rip you off!

no its not OPs fault, but when you take it on yourself to run these kinds of things and then bring in third parties to handle the payments, you open yourself up to all kinds of abuse and deceptions. Lesson learned, if people want to join in, make it clear that the money MUST BE PAID TO YOU DIRECTLY and you mark it down in a receipt book

knockneedandknackered · 08/12/2011 11:07

iagree with TOLDYASO but i woulden't cut your mum from your life just dont trust her with money again. if she's good to you in everything else put it behind you.

cookcleanerchaufferetc · 08/12/2011 11:08

Did your mum have any money due to her? If so, keep it.

You were stupid to trust her when she has a history of this type of problem. However, you have learnt the hard way that you can't always trust your mum. It is shit but you have to deal with it. Make it clear how much trouble you are in and what financial implications it has for you.

Next year, do this scheme differently, or do it just for yourself.

SirCliffRichardSucksEggsInHell · 08/12/2011 11:17

I think it's a bit harsh to cut your mum out of your life over money issues.

She's had a problem in the past and this woman giving her the money, coupled with you not asking for it all the time, was obviously too much temptation for her. It has caused you some hardship, but is it worth ending a mother/daughter relationship over?

Besides the money issue, is she a loving mother? A good grandma? Did she provide for you as a child? Is she good to talk to? Is she supportive?

I would suggest to her that she asks her GP for counsellor to help her overcome her issues with money and surrounding her crap upbringing. Unless she deals with her shitty childhood she may be unable to move on.

As for the money itself - I would work out a direct debit of whatever she can afford. It may only be a token amount, but you are not doing it for that but the principle of the matter.

It's nearly Christmas. I suggest you have a serious chat with her about just how this has affected you and your Christmas budget - after all people who can afford Christmas don't have to start up a Christmas club do they? So it's not like you can just write that money off.

However £400 is not worth destroying your family for. You are all your mother has left by the sounds of it. You also need to take responsibility, you knew what your mother was like around money and yet you made that decision to trust her. You might think that you should be able to by now, but having all that background information, that decision was still yours. I daresay you won't be making the same mistake again.

But she is your mother, not a friend. And I think that on this occasion family should pull together and offer both of you the support you need.

Original poster

chinam · 08/12/2011 12:06

Thanks again for all the replies & advise. Just to clarify, I saw my mum each week and did ask her for her friends money. Some weeks she gave it to me, other weeks she said she hadn't received any. As I mentioned earlier the lady's husband was quite ill so I didn't want to put extra pressure on her by asking her for the money. It's not owed to me as such. Each person saves what they want, though it is generally a set amount per person per week.

I really do need to take a break away from my mum for a while. Don't want to drip feed but there are good reasons why my siblings just don't engage with her. I just wanted to maintain a good relationship with her and treat her like a responsible adult - even though I should know by now she's not.Just makes me even more stupid really.

OP posts:

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 08/12/2011 12:16

It's quite sad that you would even think about cutting your mum out of your life over £400! Money aside what is your relationship like. Just because she is totally irresponsible with money doesnt make her a bad person.

I dont see why you had to stump up the money - if the woman was your mums friend then presumably she knows she isnt to be trusted with money yet still she left it with her just hoping it would find its way to you. She should have found a way of getting it to you herself really if you are to be held responsible for it.

Annoying definately but to lose your mum over £400 - thats pretty sad to be honest :(

Panadbois · 08/12/2011 12:17

Has your mum been saving with you as well? If so, hold back her vouchers to the same value.

On the other hand, you could hold it back from your mum's friend, and let her contact the police.

I'd be fuming.

Inertia · 08/12/2011 12:48

But it's not simply a matter of cutting her mum out for £400. It's not just the money - it's the theft, the betrayal of trust, the fact that the OP's mother has repeatedly lied to OP and to the friend, the fact that she'd sooner have left her own daughter and her friend with ill husband financially screwed than admit to her own problems. If she'd asked for help over the year I bet the OP would have done her best to help. Now, it's the OP's family who miss out on Christmas.

Crosshair · 08/12/2011 13:08

Have you set up a payment plan for her to pay you back over time?

Original poster

chinam · 08/12/2011 13:44

Inertia, I think I love you. That's it exactly. It's not really about the money. It just seems that no matter how many changes my mum gets she finds a way to F it up. The actual amount she took was £800 but as she had been saving herself I took her money and then added my own £400 to make up the shortage. I have always picked up the pieces when she does these shitty things. My real question should have been AIBU to ask how I can stop enabling my mum?
Crosshair: no payment plan yet. I can't even bring myself to speak to her at the moment. I will have to tackle it though.

OP posts:

Crosshair · 08/12/2011 13:50

I think she will never change, eventually you'll have to accept that and just stop giving her the chance to disappoint you with her terribly selfish behaviour.

SirCliffRichardSucksEggsInHell · 08/12/2011 13:51

Your mum's friend saved more than £800 in your Christmas Club? If that was the amount your mum kept behind, then I assume the amount you had received was much more? I thought Christmas Clubs were for people who found it hard to afford Christmas?

This woman must have saved around £1,500 then? Wow, that's some Christmas! How many kids does she have?

Sorry, off-topic completely I know but ... blimey!

fedupandtired · 08/12/2011 14:11

If I were in your position I probably wouldn't cut all contact with her but I would be calling in the police and wanting her charged with theft.

Stealing from anyone is just plain wrong. She's broken the law and you're letting her get away with it. You're not responsible for your mother's actions, she is and she needs to face the consequences.

DaisySteiner · 08/12/2011 14:23

A devious person might keep the peace with their mum this year then start collecting their Christmas money again for next year and use it to make up the shortfall from this year. Not saying I would do this, mind you

GlueSticksEverywhere · 08/12/2011 14:36

QuintessentiallyFestive That's rather harsh!

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack It's quite sad that you would even think about cutting your mum out of your life over £400! Money aside what is your relationship like. Just because she is totally irresponsible with money doesnt make her a bad person. . . .

Did you not read the bit about how her mum STOLE the money? How she LIED to her. That is theft which is actually ILLEGAL you know and from her own daughter and her own friend with a sick DH!!!

RufousBartleby · 08/12/2011 14:44

Find it weird all these people saying don't lose your mum over 'money issues'. This is not a money 'issue' - its got another name its called theft.

Give your self some time to thing about it OP. Your mother certainly needs to feel the full force of your disapproval. Maybe cut contact for now and review in the new year?

Sloobreeus · 08/12/2011 14:55

How awful for you, even if you were rather naive. How many of us aren't sometimes. I would feel this to be a betrayal and would take mother to task, telling her how much hurt and anger she has caused and that you will never trust her over money issues again - she stole and lied to you. If anyone else did this, you would report them to the police. A breathing space without any contact is a good idea from Rufous. Let your mother stew for a bit then see how feel about it.

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