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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to move house for DH's career again!

48 replies

weaselbudge · 07/12/2011 22:50

Me and DH used to live in the London burbs both working flat out in the city (long hours lots of stress). When dcs came along we decided we needed a lifestyle change and moved to a different part of the country where DH got a new job and we swapped a 2bed semi for a 5 bed detached. I also gave up my job completely to be SAHM and support his career as he still had quite long hours/stress. My parents have since retired and moved down the road to be near us. Problem is that DH's job has now transferred back to London! He is allowed to work 2 days from home and spends 3 days a week in London staying at a friend's flat. Problem is that he really struggles with being away from the family and also feels that he should only really work one day from home which means he would be away for most of the week. It is not the lifestyle change either of us envisaged. There are job opportunities back in our part of the country but he considers them a step down/beneath him/rubbish compared with the type of stuff he does in London. So do I move back to the london area to satisfy his ambition?? I'm worried i won't forgive him if i uproot the family for this (plus what about my poor parents?)and I'm worried he wont forgive me if he "gives up" his career for us. Women give up highflying careers all the time for their family (i did!) but for men it seems so taboo. Would love to hear of any similar experiences/advice please

OP posts:

dottygirl1 · 07/12/2011 23:03

Kind of same story with me. My husband followed his job from Ireland to UK in January and then we as a family followed in July, he commuted for the 7 months, 4 days in uk 3 days at home. I still cant believe I agreed to do it as I am a real home bird. Also we dont know anyone over here. I have to say I regret it ( although it is only 5 months and I have had a family berevement in this time). Unfortuately you have your parents to consider too. Have they settled where you live now??
We have decided that we will give it 12-18 months and if I still cant settle then we will go back to Ireland and he will return to commuting.

MsVestibule · 07/12/2011 23:04

You both decided you need a lifestyle change - quite reasonably IMO - so moved away. You gave up your career (ergo, financial independence, presumably) to help facilitate this move. He's now decided that's not what he wants after all, and wants to move back to London, presumably to a smaller house. I'm trying to be polite here, but really ??? Is it always about him? What does he say about your parents? If he can still maintain his career where you are living now (even if it's not quite as high flying), I think he should.

We moved around the country when we were younger, as a result of my Dad's career. I hated moving schools every three years, I would much rather have been settled in one area.

slavetofilofax · 07/12/2011 23:07

Could you meet him halfway? You could move somehwhere that is not in London if you prefer not to live in a city, but that would mean he has to do a commute?

I don't think your parents should be a consideration really, the children are yours and DH's, and your little family cannot be beholden to them just becuse they chose to move to be near you.

Original poster

weaselbudge · 07/12/2011 23:14

Sorry to hear about your bereavement dotty. fingers crossed the move works out for you. Slave - it's not really living near london thing its the moving full stop. I really feel that we have put down roots in our new town, finally have friends after starting over once already. Although DH argues that he doesn't have any roots! Interesting what you say about the parents because I DO feel beholden..

OP posts:

samandi · 08/12/2011 08:44

I wouldn't move back. Three days away is hardly a major deal - plenty of people do the whole week. So the nonsense about him giving up his career is just that - nonsense. Moving back down to London would be a big upheaval for the family and it would be a shame to move away from your parents. He's being quite selfish IMO. He has the option to keep his "high flying career" by working away from home three days a week, and if he can't manage that then perhaps he shouldn't be in a "high flying career" and should settle for a more homely job.

samandi · 08/12/2011 08:47

I don't think your parents should be a consideration really

Why not? Caring for your parents in their old age should certainly be a consideration IMO.

Succubi · 08/12/2011 08:48

What Samandi said both times.

crescentmoon · 08/12/2011 08:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuintessentiallyFestive · 08/12/2011 09:02

"I don't think your parents should be a consideration really

Why not? Caring for your parents in their old age should certainly be a consideration IMO."

Not if it jeopardizes ones own family life, career and financial stability.

The main concern should be your own family unit, stability for the children, a happy life, your home, and finances.

Your husband has to suck it up and decide whether he is a career man or a family man. He cant have both. He either finds a bedsit to live in in London (He cant keep crashing with friends, it is not sustainable) so he can commute down for the 3-4 nights he is living there, or look for work where his family is.

Among my friends I have one couple where the husband works in France 4-5 days per week, and one where the wife works in London while her husband is sahd in Cornwall. It is perfectly doable!

QuintessentiallyFestive · 08/12/2011 09:04

Just to clarify, even if the parents are a valid concern, I dont think op need to even bring that up, it might cause huge resentment in her husband that he "stayed for the sake of his wifes parents". It is more than that in this particular scenario.

letmehelp · 08/12/2011 09:05

If you were living in/close to London how many evenings a week would be be home in time to actually spend any time with DC? My DH commutes into London (1:20hrs) daily, but TBH, he may as well be working away 3 days pw for all the DC see of him in that time.

How was the decision for you parents to move close to you reached? Did they take it upon themselves and do it without much discussion or was it at your suggestion/request?

I wouldn't move, as others have said your DH agreed to the move and he has a choice to keep his job as it is and stay over or find something closer to home.

How old are your DC? I'd lived in 5 houses and been to 3 primary schools before I was 7 because of my dad's job. Apparently the day I was starting the 3rd school I asked Dad if we would be moving again. He asked why, I said "because if we are I'm not going to bother making friends at this school" My parents still live in that house!

crescentmoon · 08/12/2011 09:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bedubabe · 08/12/2011 09:22

But you're not moving for his job 'again' - this will be the first time you've moved for his job (unless your OP misses something). Last time, you moved because you both wanted to. Now he wants to move and you don't.

Not saying that you have to move, just that it isn't a completely unreasonable request. It's just something you have to decide between the two of you.

Whatmeworry · 08/12/2011 09:24

We did the same London to Out of London thing, but found nearly all high potential careers eventually lead back to London so you wind up having to be in London or in daily commuting distance, because the single flat in London is an expensive and IMO family destroying option.

His career trumps your parents, their race is run. What is very important is that he can provide for the kids in the future, and that you don't have to move later to uproot kids in high school.

wordfactory · 08/12/2011 09:30

The thing is OP, if your DH gives up his career for the family, then who is going to pay for everything?

Without wanting to sound blunt, who will pay the morgage, pension contributions, save for university fees? Will a local job cover those things?

letmehelp · 08/12/2011 09:31

Whatme, we're not talking about the difference between providing and not though - presumably they could afford to stay and live quite well in the 5 bed detached even on the "local" salary, or I think the OP would be looking at her options differently.

I do agree that the London flat is probably not a good long term option though.

Original poster

weaselbudge · 08/12/2011 16:21

Thanks for all your replies. My parents moved out of their choice - they had recently retired and were going to move somewhere anyway to release some equity so it suited them that it was near us (although they might have chosen to live nearer the seaside if we hadn't been a consideration!) They wouldn't ever have moved nearer london to be near us because of house prices. Re money - it is quite possible that the local job could in a couple of years pay quite close to what he gets in London anway if he progresses on the ladder. It's more a snob factor thing - quality of work/prestige etc etc. Boll*cks isn't it?! He comes from a high achieving family where father/grandfather etc were quite famous in their fields so he feels he has something to live up to.

OP posts:

wordfactory · 08/12/2011 18:34

Actually I don't think it's bollocks necessarily.
Work is a huge part of many people's lives, both in terms of hours and it's impact on our lives. The least we can do is try and make it as interesting and fullfilling as possible. For some jobs, high quality interesting work is best found in London.

You seem to have a very different attitude to work than your DH.

GrendelsMum · 08/12/2011 19:34

Here's a summary of the pros and cons you've raised so far as far as I can see them.

Move to London
Pros -
your DH actually has a concrete job offer there
your DH has more enjoyable job
your DH earns more straight away and feels he has more opportunities for progression
there are lots of exciting things to do in London
it might be easier for you to find a fulfilling job when you return to work
you probably have one friend or relative living somewhere in London!
Cons -
smaller house in London
costs of moving (unless this is paid for by company)
things in London are generally more expensive
leaving your current friends
leaving your family
not having reliable source of instant childcare for emergencies or evenings out together (but since you are a SAHM, this may not matter)
not close to your parents as they age

Stay where you are, DH gets new job
Pros -
close to your parents
no need to move, therefore saving lots of money and hassle
reliable source of child care (but since you are a SAHM, this may not matter)
able to keep an eye on your parents as they age
friends for you and the children

Cons -
your DH doesn't have a job offer for a local company
less interesting job for your DH if he gets one
possibly less well paid / less chance for progression for your DH (although you think not)
might be harder for you to find a job when you return to work
probably less going on where you are now than in London

TBH though, I think your DH has a reasonable point in wanting to find his job fufilling and interesting. That doesn't seem very snobbish to me.

lubeybaublely · 08/12/2011 19:40

Nothing on earth would budge me from a 5 bed detached house and sahm-ing. Not one single thing.

Loads of people commute or stay away for the week, no big deal.

also, what samandi said.

FabbyChic · 08/12/2011 19:42

You have to think about the financial side of it to be honest. What will be best for the family financially, alternatively you may find you have to return to work full time and put your children if young enough in child care.

This is not just about a job it is about your childrens and your future money wise.

Whatmeworry · 08/12/2011 19:47

Nothing on earth would budge me from a 5 bed detached house and sahm-ing. Not one single thing

Until DH gets the punishing commute or stays away all week....

cat64 · 08/12/2011 19:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

LikeAnAdventCandleButNotQuite · 08/12/2011 19:57

It seems to me that your DH is willing to jeapardise the whole family's happiness in order to persue his career. If he really wants / needs to be in such a high flying job, then he shouldn't allow that to steamroller the whole family. Why should it be the case that you and the children should have to up sticks from somewhere I presume you are happy to follow him, when, in all honesty, if he needs this job (to satisfy his ego it seems) then he should be the one to have to make sacrifices - less time in the family home.

Not fair at all that you and the kids should sacrifice and he gains completely. Work / life balance for him is something he should take responsibility for: less time at home in a high flying role, or a more active part of fmaily (inc extended family) life and a less high profile job.

verytellytubby · 08/12/2011 20:03

I live in North London, DH hasn't seen the kids once this week. If you move back, what time will he be back? Can he not work longer hours the 3 days he's in London and spend more time with you?

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