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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to move house for DH's career again!

48 replies

weaselbudge · 07/12/2011 22:50

Me and DH used to live in the London burbs both working flat out in the city (long hours lots of stress). When dcs came along we decided we needed a lifestyle change and moved to a different part of the country where DH got a new job and we swapped a 2bed semi for a 5 bed detached. I also gave up my job completely to be SAHM and support his career as he still had quite long hours/stress. My parents have since retired and moved down the road to be near us. Problem is that DH's job has now transferred back to London! He is allowed to work 2 days from home and spends 3 days a week in London staying at a friend's flat. Problem is that he really struggles with being away from the family and also feels that he should only really work one day from home which means he would be away for most of the week. It is not the lifestyle change either of us envisaged. There are job opportunities back in our part of the country but he considers them a step down/beneath him/rubbish compared with the type of stuff he does in London. So do I move back to the london area to satisfy his ambition?? I'm worried i won't forgive him if i uproot the family for this (plus what about my poor parents?)and I'm worried he wont forgive me if he "gives up" his career for us. Women give up highflying careers all the time for their family (i did!) but for men it seems so taboo. Would love to hear of any similar experiences/advice please

OP posts:

themightyfandango · 08/12/2011 20:04

It's about finding the right balance imo. I can understand his career frustrations but just as you did there are sacrifices to be made when children come along.

For the first 6 years of our marriage DH worked in London (we are in the north) for five days per week then three days.

It was perfectly doable even with three children and I worked pt locally. He took a job up here after DS2 was diagnosed SN and things did get tricky.

We have talked about him doing this again as potentially he could earn a lot more in the city. However whilst the DC are young and DS2 needs extra support he chooses to be here.

I guess what I am saying is that he can't have it all ways. As other posters have said maybe he would feel better working 4 days and renting a flat/bedsit. He might feel less torn and you and the DC could stay over in school hols maybe.

Good luck with your decision.

wordfactory · 09/12/2011 09:14

I dunno, it seems an awful big thing to not only expect your DH to be the sole breadwinner, but also dictate how he is to win said bread.

DH and I have both taken up opportunities that could be potentially unsettling for our family, but we have supported each other to the hilt. Isn't that how it's supposed to be?

Whatmeworry · 09/12/2011 09:32

I dunno, it seems an awful big thing to not only expect your DH to be the sole breadwinner, but also dictate how he is to win said bread

I agree. Its also not sustainable.

Rhubarbgarden · 09/12/2011 09:43

I think this is a real toughie and there is no easy answer. If you're not very careful, someone will end up feeling they have done all the compromising and get resentful, which could be marriage-wrecking over time. All you can do is try to be as understanding as you can of each other's position, and try to come to a decision together that you are both content with. Easier said than done, obviously. Good luck, I'm in a similar situation myself and I don't know how the hell we are going to solve it.

dreamingbohemian · 09/12/2011 09:56

I think it's fine for someone to prefer to work in London I would myself but not at the cost of your family's happiness.

It sounds like the only real reason to move back is your DH's ego. Financially and professionally things will be fine if he stays where you are now, he will just feel it's beneath him. I do sympathise, I might feel the same way, but I would not ask so many people to sacrifice so much for my sake.

I think, as a compromise, he should find work locally first and see how it goes. He might be surprised to find he likes it quite enough. If he doesn't, if he's really unhappy and financially it's not working, then perhaps you could reconsider moving back.

cat64 · 09/12/2011 12:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

wordfactory · 09/12/2011 12:39

Oh sure cat we all turn down opportunities because the benefits don't outweigh the inconveniences for the family unit.

But this feels different to me. To essentailly say someone should change their entire career (and that's what it is in essence to move from city to provincial work...not remotely comparable) feels like subsuming ones self for the sake of the children. And I'm not sure that's either a. healthy for the adult who will be doing the subsuming or b. a good lesson to teach your children ie you can't follow your dreams and ambitions.

Smudged · 09/12/2011 12:53

Would there be another way of doing things?

For example, could he move to working part-time (4 days a week) so he works one day at home and three days in London. He would then have a full day at home clear so might not feel he was missing out on family quite so much.

If he did that your roles could change slightly and you could start building your career up again in one of the local job opportunities (I'm assuming you have similar skill sets and that there are job opportunities that you could take!).

Dozer · 09/12/2011 13:07

Could he do a day a week from home and stay in london and work long hours for a few days?

If you move closer to london bet he would still work long hours, so he may as well be in london and get on with it, leaving you to get on with it at home.

Can kind of relate to his career concerns, but don't think it'd be fair to uproot everyone.

mendipgirl · 09/12/2011 13:13

I don't think you should move. He has lots of options:
Find a job where you live
Commute
Stay for part of week in London
Work from home 2 days
I think if his career is that important to him he should be happy to spend the time away from his family doing that and let you get on with being in a place you want to be. he does seem to be thinking all about himself, he wants the job he wants in the place he wants and his family there with him. He doesn't want to work from home 2 days (even though he can). So you and the DCs and your parents have to sacrifice to give him exactly what he wants. he should compromise!
What if things change in a few years and he wants to move away again. it's too much upheaval.
Having been made redundant twice I would never move for a job!

minciepie · 09/12/2011 13:17

When dcs came along we decided we needed a lifestyle change

So basically you jointly decided that you needed a lifestyle change, and so moved away from London. DH agreed with and was happy with that.

But your DH is now saying that he has changed his mind. He wants to swap back to London. He is saying that he is only happy with out-of-London life if he can have a suitably interesting/prestigious job in the local area.

Did he make this clear at the time you moved?

If not, I think he IBU. He can't go back on the decision that was already jointly made and he agreed to just because he can no longer have such an interesting job locally - unless he said at the time you made the decision that his agreement was dependent on him having a sufficiently interesting/prestigious job locally.

dreamingbohemian · 09/12/2011 13:18

I would also be wary, given the current economic conditions, of making an expensive move back to London -- he might find his job gone a month after you get there and then what?

minciepie · 09/12/2011 13:21

Agree bohemian. Also, London property prices have gone up in the past few years while out-of-london prices have largely gone down. So it's possible OP's DH might get a shock if he looks at what they could afford in London.

rookiemater · 09/12/2011 13:30

Well I guess it's not his fault that his job has been relocated, but he doesn't seem to be taking the family into consideration.

Has he looked into this seriously i.e. what type of accomodation would you have for the same amount of money in London, what are the schools like, how much of a commute would he still have to his job?

I'd get him to do all the investigation into these matters and then be having a measured discussion with him. In the meantime he needs to get something more suitable for his nights in London than crashing in his pals flat, that might make him feel a bit more comfortable when he is there.

CailinDana · 09/12/2011 13:33

We've moved around a lot for DH's career but I've told him this last move is going to be it for the foreseeable future and he needs to work around that. It will restrict his career development somewhat not to be able to move but he's fine with that as he has chosen to have a family and we're not baggage that can be carted around with him on a whim, we have lives too that need to be taken into account. It pisses me off that people seem to think that once you're a SAHM you're free and easy, you're at home all day with no plans and can move around at the drop of a hat. I'm in the process of building my "workplace" here - getting to know other mums, sorting out the house, sussing out baby groups etc and I'm not willing to have to do that all over again in another location, which I think is perfectly fair.

I don't see why your DH's wishes should take precedence over yours OP.

samandi · 09/12/2011 14:00

To essentailly say someone should change their entire career (and that's what it is in essence to move from city to provincial work...not remotely comparable) feels like subsuming ones self for the sake of the children.

But he doesn't have to change his career. At all. He can continue in exactly the same position by working away from home three days (which, I assume, is two nights). To move the entire family back to London because he can't handle two nights a week away from his family indicates an extremely entitled attitude to me. He's very lucky to have the option to work from home two days a week.

Not to mention that the OP would have to "subsume herself" for the sake of her husband if they moved back to London ... but she's a SAHM so she doesn't matter?

minciepie · 09/12/2011 14:56

Surely, when you decided to move out of London, DH must have considered the possibility that he might lose that particular job and have to find a new one?

In which case, surely he must have recognised at that time that there was a risk he might have to take a provincial job ? And he chose to take that risk because it was worth it in order to move out.

wordfactory · 09/12/2011 15:10

Samandi the op says her DH doesn't realistically think it will be two days working from home but one. So he will be away four days a week. That can't be right as a long term prospect surely.

As I said, I don't think anyone should have to subsume their desires entirely for the family, but here the OP would still get to be a SAHM if she moved albeit in a smaller house. So she would get that part of what she wants and her family unit would spend far more time together which must be worth a thousand five bed houses.

Vicky2011 · 09/12/2011 15:11

Surely he just needs to split the week. Hotel 2/3 nights a week, the rest at home. Long working days when he's in London, shorter when he's at home. Many people do this, particularly with a substantial family home and a massive down-size needed to be nearer to London. Can't honestly see why it's so difficult, sorry

wordfactory · 09/12/2011 15:19

Split households aren't easy vicky.
I know a lot of people who do it and hardly any of them are happy with it. The DC miss their absent parent. The in situ parent is completely unsupported when the other parent is absent, having to hold the fort. The absent parent misses out on so much family life and often feels divorced from it.

Vicky2011 · 09/12/2011 15:24

2 or 3 nights a week away aren't really a split household, particularly when the "absent" parent would be at home for 1/2 of the working days. He (assuming a he) may well actually spend as much time at home as someone working long hours in the same office or managing a horrific commute. My DH is away 4 nights a week and I do get that that would not work for many people but that isn't what the OP is considering.

Vicky2011 · 09/12/2011 15:32

Sorry wordfactory should have addressed my last post to you - got somewhat distracted by the supposedly explosive secret thread

wordfactory · 09/12/2011 16:22

How do you find that vicky ?
My DH is away a lot but there is no pattern iyswim. Trips are arranged around deals or partners meetings, sometimes a night here and there, sometimes a week away.

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