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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it's a bit weird that my emigrated brother is never ever planning to come back home...

28 replies

ilikeyoursleeves · 07/12/2011 21:12

....even for a holiday. He is 36 and emigrated to NZ about 5 years ago with his girlfriend. I think good on him for taking that leap to emigrating and they are enjoying it, and are settled, so absolutely fair enough. I fully don't expect him to ever move back to the UK but in a phone call a few years ago when I asked if he was ever coming back to visit he basically said 'I'll come back whenever I get that phone call' ie, when I call him to say one of our parents is dead. He has never returned even for a holiday. Yes I know it's up to him where he holidays but the fact remains that our parents are getting old and my mum in particular is in ill health, both physically and with dementia. They haven't seen him in over 5 years and cannot travel to see him.

Now he has announced he is getting married but he said it's early next year (said via text, we only speak about once a year). It is in NZ, ie my parents can't go, I can't go due to being pregnant with child number 3 and due to the cost and my sister won't go cos of cost & family too.

I just think it's weird. My family aren't close but none of us have fallen out or anything. He just seems to have gone to the other side of the world and cut off all ties pretty much. He has never sent anything to my kids etc or taken any interest in them.

I think the main thing is that he doesn't plan on seeing his parents alive again. AIBU to think he should at least come over before they get even older? Or just let him be?

OP posts:
HecateGoddessOfTwelfthNight · 07/12/2011 21:14

let him be.

He couldn't have been any clearer.

He doesn't give a fuck.

He's told you he'll come back to bury them. That's not not being close, that's cold.

I'm so sorry. - but at least your parents have you.

Methe · 07/12/2011 21:16

He sounds like a selfish shit.

Personally I don't know how he can live with himself and can't imagine ever not being close to my parents but I guess some people don't feel like that. Not much you can do.

How do your parents feel? Mine would be beside themselves.

ElderberrySyrup · 07/12/2011 21:17

I think it's really selfish of him actually. Doesn't he feel he owes his parents anything? I would probably have a go at him.

(I have a brother who has emigrated too - he has been living in Japan for 15 years and is married to a Japanese woman. He comes home every year or so to see people, which seems fair enough though of course I'd like to see him more often.)

AndiMac · 07/12/2011 21:17

Just let him be and try not to be angry with him. Not saying you don't have some right to be a bit upset with him, but it's not worth getting yourself worked up about this because he's very unlikely to change.

SanTEEClaus · 07/12/2011 21:17

I agree with Hecate. He has made his feelings perfectly clear. Do not be surprised if he doesn't actually come back to bury them either.

He's created a new life for himself. Lots of people do it.

SanTEEClaus · 07/12/2011 21:18

I don't feel I owe my parents anything, Elderberry. Should I?

ElderberrySyrup · 07/12/2011 21:18

also it means he gets out of doing any of the work in caring for your parents as they age, so you get to do an extra share. Although I'm sure you love them and do it willingly, it's still not fair.

jasminerice · 07/12/2011 21:19

Let him be. It's entirely his choice to make as to whether he has anything to do with you/his parents. I have chosen never to see my parents or sisters again for my own reasons, ones that my siblings can't understand because although we have the same parents, I had a very, very, different childhood to them.

FFSEnid · 07/12/2011 21:19

I think its pointless coming for a funeral when he could skip the funeral and actually visit them when they are alive. I wouldn't be surprised if when he does 'get the call' he decides its not worth coming back. I know lots of emigrants get caught in the trap of spending all their holidays coming 'home' but its a bit extreme to decide at 36 that you aren't ever going to see your parents and you will see the rest of your family at a funeral, or never. I would let him be. He is a big boy and capable of understanding that if he doesn't visit he won't see them. You won't gain anything by a guilt induced pity visit.

ElderberrySyrup · 07/12/2011 21:19

Depends what sort of parents they were SanTee. If people have abusive or neglectful parents it's different from if they are normal, loving parents, even if not close.

squeakytoy · 07/12/2011 21:20

Leave him to it. It is clear he has no emotional attachment to his family, which is selfish, and doesnt make him seem a very nice person.

Having said that, it could all change once he gets married, as his new wife might have a bit more influence over him and might want to meet her husands family.

slavetofilofax · 07/12/2011 21:20

I find his behaviour really hard to understand, but the only person who can explain it is him. I'm sure he must have a reason, even if it's only that he can't afford to come back here and still be able to travel to new places.

Unless you know what his reasons are, you can't really say if he is being selfish and acting badly. It might be completely understandable when/if you hear it from him.

Original poster
ilikeyoursleeves · 07/12/2011 21:21

My parents never communicate any feelings at all. I imagine they will be quite upset about it, esp when they find out he is getting married in NZ (he hasn't told them yet).

I remember my dad asking me not to tell him how bad my mum was 'so not to worry him', whereas I was thinking that he should know!

Another weird thing is that he is my parents only natural child as my sister and I are both adopted. He is the one who then left, we are both still fairly local. Plus on my dads side, his brother (my uncle) also fuckd off abroad when younger and never came back (not even for his mothers funeral).

Bizarre, bizarre family. Most of the time I think we don't know each other at all.

OP posts:
SanTEEClaus · 07/12/2011 21:22

I have normal (?) loving parents who I would say I am close to. But I do not 'owe' them anything. Nor do they think I owe them something.

I am not raising my son to be taken care of in my old age or what have you. He owes me nothing.

IneedAChristmasNickname · 07/12/2011 21:23

It would be expensive for him to come back though, not saying he is right, but I have a brother in Oz, who comes 'home' every 2years. He had to take out a loan last time, but insisted on coming back for Dad's wedding.
YANBU, but it's his life and you have to let him live it!

paddypoopants · 07/12/2011 21:23

I think he's a selfish arse and horrible both to your parents and to you, who will be doing his share of looking after his parents as well as your own. If I were you I would tell him not to bother coming back when they die as it will be too late. Shame on him.

TroublesomeEx · 07/12/2011 21:23

My dad is terminally ill and his words to my brother last year on the subject of emigration was "If you get the chance to do it, do it and don't look back".

People are different.

OldGreyWassailTest · 07/12/2011 21:25

My Aunt and Uncle emigrated over 50 years ago - they've never been back ever. Some people are just like that.

Original poster
ilikeyoursleeves · 07/12/2011 21:26

I can hand on heart say that we had a good (enough) upbringing, OK we weren't that emotionally close but we were in a nice house, good school, had friends etc. Parents didn't abuse us or anything! He calls them every few weeks so it's not like they have fallen out.

He is working as is his partner. Plus they have been going out since childhood so it's not like she's going to change him or anything.

OP posts:
slavetofilofax · 07/12/2011 21:26

He probably feels like he personally has nothing to lose by not seeing his parents or his family.

For him to feel like he has nothing at all to gain from seeing any of you is quite sad for him, nevermind your parents. He doesn't owe them anything, and I would guess that he feels he had a very different upbringing to the one you had.

ElderberrySyrup · 07/12/2011 21:28

really Santee? I think I owe my parents a lot for bringing me up and being good parents, basically. I wouldn't expect anything from my children but that doesn't mean I don't feel responsibility towards the older members of my family.

Pagwatch · 07/12/2011 21:31

It is sad but you can't change it.
But with repect, your experience of your childhood is just that - yours.
He may not have been happy. He may have issues, resentments etc that you don't know about. My brothers and sisters each have/ had different relationships with our parents. And many parents have very different relationships with each of their children

JosieZ · 07/12/2011 21:37

I have three brothers and the only one who consistently sent cards was my youngest (in fact my s-i-law). Eldest sent when he was married (ie his wife sent), middle never sent any despite being married. Though I think they all send bday cards to my mum (as long as I remind them).

Imo it's a bit pointless coming for a funeral.

Looks like he just wants to do his own thing. V sad for his parents but nothing you can do will change that now.

My sister is coming from Oz next summer to see my eldery mother but a bit pointless imo. Mother is a bit confused and v forgetful and not fit enough to do much with when sis is here. I feel she might as well save the money but she wants to see mum though it will prob be sad for her.

pchick · 07/12/2011 21:40

I've got a brother who doesn't visit parents or siblings, or communicates that often. He's not selfish or cold - family aren't a big part of his life. However, if you speak to him on the phone, he's chatty. Some men are just like that.

fuckityfuckfuckfuck · 07/12/2011 21:43

I don't find it that odd actually, or selfish. None of my siblings are close to our parents, my mother in particular is pretty closed off and toxic. My eldest brother emigrated to Australia about 5 years ago, my other brother and me live about as far away as we can while still being in the same country. You can't force a good relationship with your family.