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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not to tell anyone in my family that I am Pregnant?

45 replies

elephantsgomarching · 07/12/2011 20:55

Me and DP are having a major argument about this and I'm at my wits end about it so thought I'd ask you lot

I am Pakistani -British (2nd gen).
While at Uni I met my now DP - who is not pakistani or muslim.

Cut a long story short - As soon as I graduated parents chucked me out and I haven't talked to them or anyone in my family since (with the exception of my youngest brother who I keep in contact with behind rest of family's backs)

Anyway me and DP are now expecting our first DC and we are telling his family on the weekend

I will obviously tell my youngest brother (rest of my family count me as dead - and I am not mentioned and they don'y know we keep in contact)

DP thinks I should tell my parents (either by letter or get word to an aunt or uncle) he thinks they should know - and it might change their view (either now or down the line - to soften them all)

I don't think it will make any difference at all, they have made up their minds and well as you make your bed you must lie in it. They don't deserve to know they will have a Grandchild (their first)

DP thinks IABU while I think he has his head buried in the sand.

AIBU? or is he?

OP posts:
IneedAChristmasNickname · 07/12/2011 21:01

I think YANBU.
But will your brother not tell them?

IneedAChristmasNickname · 07/12/2011 21:02

Ooops sorry, just realised they don't know he speaks to you Blush must read slower!

DialMforMummy · 07/12/2011 21:04

I think this is a very sad situation.
I don't think neither of you is BU but as it is your family, I think it's your call.

Eglu · 07/12/2011 21:04

I really don't see why you would tell people who have no wish to speak to you that you are having a baby. Surely they will only see it as you being worse than before anyway. You are now having a baby with a non muslim and you aren't married.

Your dp needs to understand that it isn't going to be happy families just because there will be a baby. Sad as that is.

Congrats on your pregnancy btw.

Original poster
elephantsgomarching · 07/12/2011 21:04

They count me as dead - you cant talk and see a dead person.
I am not mentioned at all by anyone and they have no clue that me and youngest brother are still in contact (the roof would fall on his head if they ever found out about still being in contact) so no he definatly wouldn't tell them.

OP posts:
SenoritaViva · 07/12/2011 21:05

YANBU, if they don't acknowledge it then surely that would create even further hurt for you?

I think it's your family and your decision. I have a friend in similar situation (although father is Pakistani), I know his family treated him the same and I'm absolutely sure they don't know about his 3 gorgeous children.

Congratulations by the way!!

Original poster
elephantsgomarching · 07/12/2011 21:05

sorry ineed x-post

OP posts:
NatashaBee · 07/12/2011 21:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JennyPiccolo · 07/12/2011 21:09

YANBU, how sad for you.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, i'm sure your baby will never be short of people to love it, with or without your family.

Xroads · 07/12/2011 21:10

I think your parents are the ones BU tbh.

You are their child, yet they think of you as dead, for what? Daring to follow your heart? wanting to be happy? When they disowned you they lost the right to know anything about you imo.

I hate to think how heart broken you must be after the way they have treated you.

Congratulations, I hope you have a happy healthy baby, one whose family stand by it regardless of it's choices.

troisgarcons · 07/12/2011 21:12

I feel for you, OP - must be a difficult situation, both culturally and religiously.

Tell your brother. But if you are really that disowned by the rest of your family - then you must do what is right to preserve you and your family.

I think perhaps your partner doesnt understand cultural ties? That's hard on him too.

Two schools of thought on this - tell your parents and all is forgiven (unlikely as I guess you are unmarried and worse! your partner is out of faith)
or
tell your parents and you will be rejected all over again.

i have no pretentions of understanding your faith - or even if you are still within the faith - but do you have a westernised, moderate imam who would be willing to explain the whole situtation to your partner?

FlightlessBird · 07/12/2011 21:13

Hmm tricky!

YANBU as you have clearly been through a lot with your parents and your feelings towards them are probably justified.

However, I think you SHOULD tell them, by letter. People can change and they might surprise you.

FWIW my DP and I were in a similar position earlier this year - he is from a strict Sikh family but didn't want contact, I'm not from here but wanted my child to know their grandparents/culture etc.

Congratulations by the way! Xmas Wink

TroublesomeEx · 07/12/2011 21:14

YANBU. I also think this is a very sad situation but my personal feeling would be (from having shitty family myself!) that you should just focus on your own little family and just leave them alone. The last thing you need is the stress that family problems can bring.

Just sad for you that you are in the position in the first place Sad

mypersonalfavourite · 07/12/2011 21:18

I think telling them and being rejected all over again has the potential to ruin your pregnancy for you. It's such a special time and to think that someone has actively rejected something innocent that you love so much would be quite difficult to deal with.

EllenandBump · 07/12/2011 21:20

Maybe you should write to them and tell them, but that does not mean you have to have them in your life or associate with them, but morally they do have a right to know. Sorry

SugarPasteChristmasCake · 07/12/2011 21:25

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

baublelugs82 · 07/12/2011 21:27

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This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns.

squeakytoy · 07/12/2011 21:27

I would not tell them. Morally they should not have disowned their own child, so by that token they do not deserve or have any right to know the grandchild. That childs life will not be enhanced by having poisonous people in it.

Original poster
elephantsgomarching · 07/12/2011 21:38

Yep unmarried. and my family are very very traditional
My relationship with my faith is very complex - I hate the type of islam I was brought up with (granted is all mixed up with traditions but the way some parts where taken - it is very hard to believe the words that your parents used to cast you out and call you dead) But yet still believe the main bits - Allah, prohet Muhammad (SAAW) and I don't have an imam I haven't been to mosque in a very very long time.

OP posts:
picalooo · 07/12/2011 21:57

Well first things first congratulations to you and DP on your pregnancy :D
It must be a very difficult situation (is your DP from a very close knit family? If he is may that be why he think it may soften them? or he may just see how much hurt your family put you through and sees it as a way to mend that hurt?)
But I would say they dont have a right to know at all - they decided that they dont have a daughter so how can they have grandchildren? I', afraid in my book it doesn't work like that.

baublelugs82 · 07/12/2011 22:02

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This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns.

blackeyedsanta · 07/12/2011 22:55

would it make it worse if they knew you were pregnant?

there is one thing"going out with" a person that is "undesirable" (to them) but a whole different level getting pregnant when you are not marrried. (they can not pretend that you are not sleeping with him then.)

your family, you know how they will react the best. do what you think is the best.

skybluepearl · 07/12/2011 23:16

what about telling your brother soon but letting your parents know a couple of months before the birth. maybe put a card in the post?

Original poster
elephantsgomarching · 08/12/2011 18:19

I don't know if it will make it worse - I suppose I would love for my DC(s) to at least know my family (even if it was a small amount) - at least they will have 1 uncle :) but to have them all reject me all over again......

OP posts:
tocha · 08/12/2011 18:25

I sympathise with your DP as I imagine he is having difficulty imagining that family won't be as excited as him about your baby. But agree with you. I think better to wait until you have had the baby before making this decision.