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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not to tell anyone in my family that I am Pregnant?

45 replies

elephantsgomarching · 07/12/2011 20:55

Me and DP are having a major argument about this and I'm at my wits end about it so thought I'd ask you lot

I am Pakistani -British (2nd gen).
While at Uni I met my now DP - who is not pakistani or muslim.

Cut a long story short - As soon as I graduated parents chucked me out and I haven't talked to them or anyone in my family since (with the exception of my youngest brother who I keep in contact with behind rest of family's backs)

Anyway me and DP are now expecting our first DC and we are telling his family on the weekend

I will obviously tell my youngest brother (rest of my family count me as dead - and I am not mentioned and they don'y know we keep in contact)

DP thinks I should tell my parents (either by letter or get word to an aunt or uncle) he thinks they should know - and it might change their view (either now or down the line - to soften them all)

I don't think it will make any difference at all, they have made up their minds and well as you make your bed you must lie in it. They don't deserve to know they will have a Grandchild (their first)

DP thinks IABU while I think he has his head buried in the sand.

AIBU? or is he?

OP posts:
thebigkahuna · 08/12/2011 18:29

YANBU.

I'm sorry for your situation though Sad

But huge congratulations on your pregnancy Smile

DeckTheHugeWithBoughsOfManatee · 08/12/2011 19:18

What a sad situation, OP Sad

Maybe the best thing for now is just to keep quiet, until it's had a chance to sink in? You've got 9 months being pg, and years and years of your baby's childhood to tell them if you want to, but once you've tried telling them you can't untell them. You're likely to be feeling a bit hormonal and if they react badly that could be really upsetting for you right now.

Why not tell your DP you'll think about it, will tell your brother and see how you feel as time goes on but that you need to put you, DP and the baby first for now.

Crosshair · 08/12/2011 19:28

How sad. :(

I wouldnt tell your family apart from the brother you talk to, I think the rejection would be abit much at such an important time for you and your partner. Maybe ask your brother his opinion on it?

Wishing you a good pregnancy!

smithfox · 08/12/2011 20:23

You know your family - it must be horrible to have them act like this. But congratualtions on your pregnancy.

But ultimatly you have to do what is best for you, DP and DC - if the idea that they could reject you again is too much then don't.

Enjoy your pregnancy - if at somepoint you wish to tell them then do it then - but when you want to, not out of a sense of duty.

hugglymugly · 08/12/2011 20:38

I would also suggest just telling your brother for now. Wait until your baby is 3 months old or so before thinking about contacting your parents. Neither pregnancy nor the first couple of months of getting to grips with being new parents would be an appropriate time for either a repeat rejection or a major row.

Although I'm a bit surprised by your DP's reaction, I know it can be difficult for someone not used to that kind of situation to understand the dynamics. I assume he's never met your parents - how does he feel about that? Is he hoping that somehow a child will make him more acceptable to your parents? Is he from a family for whom a partnership outwith marriage/culture/religion/whatever would not be a problem, so he genuinely can't understand the complexities involved?

Original poster
elephantsgomarching · 08/12/2011 20:47

Never met my parents - think he saw my dad from far off once when we were at uni, that was it.
For a long time he carrried some major guilt over being with me - thinking he was the one who caused family's actions. So I know it doesn't easy with him not knowing at all anyone else in my family bar my youngest brother. T
And yes his family don't give two hoots about those sort of things at all - and part of him doesn't get how a family can act like that (I didn't think my parents would do it - and didn't think I would fall in love with someone so 'unacceptable' - but at least I had heard stories, it wasn't an alien idea to m - to him it is just bogglin)

OP posts:
MrsMuddyPuddles · 09/12/2011 00:44

Do you want to not tell them because you're angry with them or because you're scared they will reject you again? Are they dead to you?
It's a shame you don't have an iman or someone who understands your/their culture to talk to... my family doesn't do the "cut off forever " thing but they (felt) pretty strict... were it my family, I'd send a letter and leave it at that (and try not to hope that they'd return the contact ) but maybe that would just make it worse for yours ??
Good luck and congratulations!

MrsMuddyPuddles · 09/12/2011 00:45

Ps actually, could you get your brothers opinion when you tell him?

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 09/12/2011 00:55

elephantsgomarching - I am so sorry your family have done this - it's obviously hurt you a lot :(

I think if your parents belief is so strong they have said you are dead to them (it'a heartbreaking to even type) simply for falling in love with someone 'unsuitable' then having a baby with him and especially out of wedlock is surely just going to make them absolutely furious (or worse still just not care at all) not heal any wounds.

I also think that your desire for your DC to know your family is one you need to deal with and accept that it wont happen and frankly, to be completely honest, why would you want to expose your children to their very conditional love?

cantspel · 09/12/2011 00:57

I wouldn't tell just incase in some how gets out that you are still in contact with your brother and then you might end up losing him as well or putting him in a position where the family might disown him too.

WorraLiberty · 09/12/2011 01:07

I don't think they deserve to know and I don't think your child will benefit by having such toxic and controlling people its life.

People can and do put their children's life and happiness before their own beliefs. If your parents are unable or unwilling to do so, that's their problem I'm afraid.

Congratulations, I wish you and your new family all the best.

missingmumxox · 09/12/2011 01:14

Congrats.
why has no one mentioned your hubby in the posts? his feelings? to me he sound lovely and I can see why you are in love with him.
he probably feels very guilty that your family have disowned you and maybe as he see's it because of him and just wants it to make it all right for you, because he loves you, and thinks a child might soften things even if it doesn't quite put it right, old romantic he may be:) (Did I sound like Yoda then?? wise I be)
I get your position as well, sort of, I have a friend who has been secretly married for 6 years in the USA to a non indian and he is the same religion (christian), but my friend is petrified to tell her parents, her only saving grace as far as she is concerned is because she is doing a PHD, (3rd PHD one wonders who long this ruse can last?) her parents could justifiably skip her to organise her sisters marrage, which her sister asked for, (her sister is the only family member who knows of this marrage and guessed rightly her sister was going to tell her parents after her marrage and told my friend not to ruin her big moment (and I don't blame her)) but she obviously cann't afford to get pregnant...
bottom line is talk to your Dp and then your brother, then if possible both together, but if your heart isn't in it, don't tell them. it is not a once in a life time offer, you can change your mind down the line, and due to some contact with your brother, if either of your parent became ill you would get some warning to make a rush contact if you needed.

lisaro · 09/12/2011 01:40

I take it they're against your relationship because he's not Muslim. Why on earth would he want his child to have anything to to with racists, and why would you?

MayaAngelCool · 09/12/2011 01:55

This sounds like a classic example of tradition overruling actual religious teaching. Often people hold most tightly to these sorts of traditions because they believe they 'glue' the community together. How ironic in this case.

Elephants, you sound incredibly brave and strong to have stepped out of the box and stood up for what you believe in despite the consequences. I admire your strength.

You have been through a lot of emotional trauma with your family over the years, and have now carved out a life in which you are (I hope) very happy. You deserve love, peace and happiness.

When you have your baby you will likely experience a certain amount of grieving over the loss of your family connections. This may ebb and flow for many years, perhaps even for the rest of your life. But I am sure you can learn to manage it and not let it dominate your life. If and when it comes, go with it rather than fighting it. That will make you grow even stronger still.

Best of luck. Smile

ILOUminatedXmasTree · 09/12/2011 04:25

Not quite the same but when married to my dad my mum had an affair. She left my dad for a much younger man who wasn't from our culture. Anyway similar thing with her parents telling everyone she was dead.

They only reconciled after my brother was a couple of years old. My mum is still bitter years later but she did get married and get my brother christened I think mainly to appease her parents.

With the Muslim faith my friend who is unmarried to her dp but they live together with their dcs says it is more acceptable if its the man having relationships out of faith! He has not been at all rejected but maybe if it was one of his sisters that would be different

diddl · 09/12/2011 07:27

I also don´t think that they deserve to know & that your children deserves better than to be subjected to them.

argghh · 09/12/2011 07:37

I wouldnt tell them, they have made their point clear.
I think it is incredibly sad, but wish you all the best for your new family.

Original poster
elephantsgomarching · 09/12/2011 21:28

far more went on in my childhood and family than 'casting' me out some of which dp knows some that he doesn't (sure he has an idea though) maybe he would come at this at a different angle if he knew everything? i just dont think they deserve to know at all .
thanks

OP posts:
MrsSnow · 09/12/2011 21:34

I think wait until you've had the child and then tell them.

I've heard of similar circumstances where the mother has suddenly pretended to soften and be friendly and after a while takes the opportunity to mention abortion to 'save' the family face etc! WTF! Or another situation where the mum to be has been attacked Angry

If you tell your brother be aware he may tell them to 'help' you but it might not help.

Sorry to sound so negative but yours and unborn DC safety is priority number 1.

picalooo · 10/12/2011 18:18

I guess you have your own reasons for not telling DP the whole truth about your childhood - but if you did tell him (or confirm his thoughts) would that make it easier for him and you to understand your view on this? (and maybe your view of parenting as a whole?)

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