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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think DH has taken a massive liberty here

37 replies

cookingwithgas · 07/12/2011 11:22

Before we had the younger DCs, DH went on a ski trip with friends from work in winter. This happened about 4/5 years running. It cost around £300 if I remember correctly - sometimes more like £400. They sometimes got a coach across Europe, sometimes flew, sometimes stayed in chalets and sometimes in hostels. Not always the same people (DH has worked there for nearly ten years), but generally the same vague 'circle'.

Then we had our twin DDs (have older DS), and DH didn't go that year as I needed the help. The next year DS was recovering from surgery, the next year nobody arranged a ski trip. Last month DH came home all excited because someone was arranging one again this year. Many of the same crowd, sounds a lot of fun.

Now, we haven't gone abroad as a family of five. This year our 'big' holiday was easter half-term, we spent 4 days in Butlins (had a great time). Dh had to work most of the summer holidays. My best friend and I spent four days in Edinburgh in September - my half was £400 altogether, and Dh was very kind in taking time off work to have the DCs and encouraging me to go (my best friend has now moved abroad). So I was really pleased that DH had the opportunity to go on a ski trip.

We briefly discussed me coming too (I said not this year for childcare reasons, plus I am not very good at skiing), and I encouraged him to sign up right away. I didn't mention money specifically which in hindsight was dumb but I assumed it would be around the same pricepoint as always. I DID say "I think you should go for it if we can afford it".

I was in his online banking just now checking a transaction had gone through (we both have access to each other's accounts and have a seperate joint one), and there was a transaction out for £800!!!

£800 is a significant amount of money to us. Our car cost that much. We recently agonised over lending MIL £2000 (she really needed it), and DH had to extend his overdraft to do so. We don't have any extra left at the end of any month, let alone in winter.

But even if £800 was money we could easily afford to spend, it's still loads, isn't it?

I called DH right away and he said he "thought we'd had the discussion about how much it cost". I said I thought that £800 was way too much money to make a unilateral decision about and he agreed and apologised.

AIBU in thinking he took a massive liberty in not spelling out to me how much more than 'usual' it was going to cost?

OP posts:

Original poster

cookingwithgas · 07/12/2011 11:23

Oh and when I expressed surprise at the cost DH said that "people wanted something a big nicer this year".

!!!!!

OP posts:

WhoopsyLa · 07/12/2011 11:27

It's skiing. I can't see how it would cot less tbh. YANBU for gulping at the price but YABU for not checking. Can't you afford it? What was the money for otherwise?

SenoritaViva · 07/12/2011 11:30

This sounds either like a genuine communication error or that your DH swept the cost under the carpet.

I'd say £400 sounds quite cheap for a skiing holiday these days (prices have gone up) but I'm really sorry that you'll be paying this off for longer than you expected.

Original poster

cookingwithgas · 07/12/2011 11:31

But it HAS cost less. It's twice the price he's paid previously - I can understand WHY it is more but I think he should've spelled it out.

We have a £2k overdraft atm because of the money we lent to MIL. We're only buying the DCs one xmas present each and relying on the GPs to 'make up the numbers'. I'm not getting anything for xmas (this is fine as I got a big birthday present), etc.

I think he should've made it clearer how much more it was going to cost. I would never have committed to spending that much without spelling it out to DH.

OP posts:

Original poster

cookingwithgas · 07/12/2011 11:33

Yes Senorita I think he swept it under the carpet. He really wanted to go. I think that if he'd been upfront about how much it cost I would still have been okay with him going but I would've known - it's the not knowing which is upsetting me, when I made lots of little decisions every day (not getting the nice lunch, not having a glass of wine, not putting the heating on), to try and save us money.

It's just a big shock. I don't like big shocks to do with money!

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diddl · 07/12/2011 11:35

I think the issue isn´t the cost per se, but that you can´t really afford it & I´m surprised he even thought about going tbh.

samandi · 07/12/2011 11:37

Seems about right for a skiing holiday? If he hasn't been for four years it's reasonable to assume the price will have gone up, but it's poor on the person organising to have not picked a cheaper option if not everyone can afford the extra.

I think it's fair enough he wants to go, but you should be just as entitled to go on a good holiday at some point too. It doesn't seem as though he's though he's the type to take the piss, so while you might be annoyed I wouldn't make a massive deal about it.

samandi · 07/12/2011 11:38

I think he should've made it clearer how much more it was going to cost.

Yes, he should have.

PontyMython · 07/12/2011 11:40

YANBU. Even if it's still good value for a ski trip, it's still twice as much as in previous years, and it's twice as much as your trip.

redskyatnight · 07/12/2011 11:40

What would you have said if you'd known the cost upfront? Working on previous years you might have "assumed" the cost would be about £500-£600, so you are looking at about £200-300 more. It sounds like DH really wants to go - and you did have a break earlier in the year. Can you add the "extra" to your overdraft for now? Presumably as the money to MiL was a loan she is intending to pay it back at some point? What are your long term finances like?

Original poster

cookingwithgas · 07/12/2011 11:56

redsky I would still have wanted him to go. But I would've asked about equipment - could he borrow some from friends rather than hiring. I would've asked about the flights and whether he could've travelled out seperately on a budget airline. I would probably have been more reticient about lending MIL the £2k if I'd known we were going to be spending almost another grand before xmas.

Our long-term finances are a bit dire but this isn't going to send us to the workhouse or anything - I think H should've approached it differently. I think he should've been upfront about the cost and it could then have been an informed decision we made together.

I've already had 'my' holiday samandi, my trip with my best friend.

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ToldYaSo · 07/12/2011 11:59

But it HAS cost less.

yes, years ago. Prices go up love

Original poster

cookingwithgas · 07/12/2011 12:01

Yes, and if you read the rest of the sentance you're quoting you'll see that I can appreciate why it's more expensive. But double the previous cost warrants a discussion, I think.

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cestlavielife · 07/12/2011 12:05

you lent MIL 2K??

"lending MIL the £2k " maybe ask for some of it back...

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 07/12/2011 12:06

I am astounded that a few years ago (when I was working in ski resorts) they managed to get a ski holiday for £400 each. I am not at all surprised they are now having to pay £800 and think they're still getting a good deal.

However, it really doesn't seem like you can afford for him to go on a ski holiday if you are economising to the extent you have explained here and are in OD with the money you have lent to his Mum. I'm surprised you agreed in the first place. He was wrong not to have discussed the money with you - but I assume he's working on the premis that it's easier to get forgiveness than permission.

Amateurish · 07/12/2011 12:07

"Massive liberty" - no
Poor judgement - yes, as acknowledged by your DH and he apologised.

BTW, £800 is great value if it includes travel, accommodation and hire.

Original poster

cookingwithgas · 07/12/2011 12:11

£800 is a bargain for 4 days? Really? Good to know.

Can't ask for the money back from MIL, it's gone.

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 07/12/2011 12:15

Yes, he should have discussed it with you and thought of the implications of the cost before booking it.

GnomeDePlume · 07/12/2011 12:17

YANBU except that IMO individual holidays come after family holidays have been paid for so TBH I would have said your individual trip was also a bit U as well.

However I have seen before that I seem to be in a minority of one on MN in finding individual holidays for married couples weird (and no DH and I arent joined at the hip).

Amateurish · 07/12/2011 12:18

Well, you didn't say it was only 4 days.

But if you go in the season, flights can easily be a couple of hundred. A decent chalet will be thousands. Lift pass £200. Hire £100?

diddl · 07/12/2011 12:21

"However I have seen before that I seem to be in a minority of one on MN in finding individual holidays for married couples weird"

I do also tbh-we always go away as a family.

Although we are abroad & have done duty visits back to the UK seperately.

Flyonthewindscreen · 07/12/2011 12:23

Yes, he should have spelt out exactly how much more it was going to cost. I don't think he should have booked it really. It sounds like a lot of things have changed since his ski trip days a few years ago, costs have gone up, you have 2 more DC and you have just gone into debt to lend his DM money.

Flyonthewindscreen · 07/12/2011 12:24

I don't think individual holidays for married couples are weird but I do think funding a family holiday is the priority, if you can pay for individual trips as well, great.

kitsmummy · 07/12/2011 12:25

tbh, with your financial situation and the face that you are now in debt, due to helping out his mother, he probably should have forgone the holiday this year. At the very least, he should have properly discussed the cost with you and made an informed decision, together.

AKMD · 07/12/2011 12:26

It seems a bargain for a ski holiday but YANBU to think he deliberately kept quiet about it. What a shame.

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