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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that DH has a drinking problem, but I don't know what to do.

43 replies

SenoritaViva · 07/12/2011 09:11

I am no angel - before I was pregnant I was fully aware that I had got into a rut drinking too much. My parents are probably functioning alcoholics as is my brother. On DH's side one sister has been in and out of rehab for years, lost custody of her children as a result, although is doing very well at the moment. His other sister has had some addiction issues - never rehab etc. but now avoids alcohol as it leads to bad things. His mum was most probably an alcoholic. So neither of us come from the best 'genes'.

When I met DH he smoked weed, we were young, so did I. When DD was born DH started to smoke more and more and when she turned 2 I left DH - his personality had changed so much. To his credit he stopped smoking weed, hasn't touched it since and the separation only lasted 4-6 months.

2 years on and I am about to have our second child. DH's drinking seems to have escalated, he drinks most but not all nights. And it has gone from being a bottle of wine to sometimes being 2. On his own. Last night he drank half a bottle of whiskey, when he had flu. A few months ago I got through to him and he successfully gave up for a few weeks before our holiday - he doesn't necessarily need rehab, but what does he need?

I know he is unhappy, he job is mediocre at best, and since we moved here he doesn't have that many friends nor hobbies.

I am so sad that history is repeating itself. How do I remain a supportive wife and yet show him how unhappy I am with his drinking? He says 'please stop being so cross' but I watched him do this last time and I simply don't know what to do again. I love DH, he's such a wonderful person in many ways.

Any advice and recommendations would be well received! Am I over reacting because I'm not drinking and have been stung by history. Should I remain angry? Disappointed? What should I do? Nagging won't help but I can't sit back and do nothing again.

Sorry this is so long.

OP posts:

curlycreations · 07/12/2011 09:20

well done to you for giving up the drink -midwife i know says babies born to alcoholics are in a much sorrier state than those born to junkies so really good on you. does your dh know he has a problem -has he spoke to gp i had to give my oh an ultimatum to stop weed as i couldnt put up with his behaviour and didnt want my dd's to think that was normal behaviour from a man. i dont think you are beibg unreasonable -you are looking out for you kids futures -and your own -you are being strong in trying to help him instead of being a door mat in putting up with the booze etc and all the problems that go with that
i hope you can get through this all the very best

Original poster

SenoritaViva · 07/12/2011 09:27

Thanks for your post. It wasn't a problem giving up booze pregnant to be honest. I don't know whether I'd class myself as an alcoholic but definitely as someone who doesn't have the best relationship with it (I find it hard to have A glass but can avoid it). I'm trying to harness my fury and strength and considering just not taking it back up.

The thing is, I don't think DH is so bad that he couldn't stop - this is why I queried whether he was an alcoholic, but how do I get him to do it?

OP posts:

Shutupanddrive · 07/12/2011 09:31

Does he think he drinks too much?
Would he agree to no alcohol in the week to begin with to try and cut down? It's easy to fall into the trap of having a drink every evening to unwind

GypsyMoth · 07/12/2011 09:33

How do you comfortably afford that amount I'd alcohol each week? Is it getting you into debt? It must be around £80 a week at least...

Also, does he drive the next morning?

Original poster

SenoritaViva · 07/12/2011 09:34

I think that's a great idea Shutupanddrive and we have tried it and it lasts a week or two but then he falls down again and gradually builds it back up again. If he stuck to it I'd have no problems..

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 07/12/2011 09:34

Take control of the money?

Original poster

SenoritaViva · 07/12/2011 09:35

Sara yes it does cost a lot but isn't getting us into debt - DH has a reasonably well paid job. That said, we're not putting anything away each month.

Yes, he does drive the next morning, he came to bed at 11:50 last night after half a bottle of whiskey - I don't think he'd be over the limit (drives at 8AM). Am I wrong? (I hadn't thought of that).

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 07/12/2011 09:38

Hmm.... Possibly.

So could you open a savings account so he can see what you save grow? He will likely lose that well paid job if caught driving over the limit.

Snorbs · 07/12/2011 09:41

I don't think you are over-reacting. That's a lot of booze. It's very likely that what he has done is replace his weed addiction with an alcohol addiction.

Some people have addictive personalities. Whether that's nature (ie, genetic) or nurture (growing up in a family where the default response to any situation is to consume something to make you feel different) is a matter of debate and largely irrelevant. But as long as he chooses to run away from reality into a drug- or alcohol-fuelled haze, he's not going to change. He might change his drug of choice from time to time but he won't change.

The fundamental thing here for you to understand is that his drink/drug problems are his responsibility to deal with. Or not. You cannot control someone else's drink/drug problems. You cannot cure someone else's drink/drug problems. It is not in your power to do so. It's down to him.

What is in your power is to decide whether this is good enough for you and your children. Bringing up kids with a drunk is a bloody horrible experience. I've been there and done that and it's wretched. And it gets worse as time goes on as the mental and physical effects of heavy drinking are cumulative.

As a generalisation, alcoholics remain in their addictions until so much shit has hit the fan that they can no longer drink enough to continue ignoring it. And that is usually when they have already lost so much from their life that they cannot bear the thought of losing any more. Of course, many don't ever reach that point and they die an alcoholic's death.

At the moment he knows you're not happy about his drinking but he doesn't think you're going to do anything about it. So there is no real motivation for him to do anything other than continue drinking. He hasn't lost enough from his life for him to consider stopping.

What's he like when he's been drinking? Happy? Morose? Argumentative? Aggressive? How bad will it have to get before you decide that you have had enough?

Original poster

SenoritaViva · 07/12/2011 09:53

snorbs thank you, you have succinctly put everything I am worried about into words. That is my worry - an addictive personality. It has taken 2 1/2 years for him to build an addiction back up and whilst it might not have total hold of him at the moment carry on like this and over the next few years it will.

I don't really know what he's like drunk, I go to bed. He definitely doesn't get aggressive or argumentative, he watches tv or make films on his computer. He functions relatively well actually. This time I haven't seen much personality change; it is that I am not prepared to watch him until it gets so bad like last time that he loses all perspective. I want to do something.

I hate the idea of threatening to leave as I hated leaving him last time but he does know that I would do it as I have done it before. Perhaps I should write him a measured email on the impact it has on us and the consequences it would have on our family?

I very much worry about an 'alcoholics death', he was ill when he was younger (malaria) which affected his liver and I don't think his tolerance for this will be as good as some people. His mum and sister have both had cancer (his mum sadly didn't live) and I don't know whether it is linked to alcohol consumption but it worries me (linked to this he smokes more cigarettes when he's drinking).

OP posts:

NoMoreWasabi · 07/12/2011 09:54

Half a regular bottle of whisky will contain 14 units. So he could be over the limit at 8am.

Anyway he is clearly drinking way more than is advised. If he is drinking say 7 bottles of wine a week that is c70 units as opposed to the recommended max of 21. Not going to be doing him, his liver or his overall health any good whatsoever.

NoMoreWasabi · 07/12/2011 09:55

And if he is drinking 2 bottles of wine in the evening ie 20 units then he is pretty likely to be over the limit in the morning.

Original poster

SenoritaViva · 07/12/2011 09:58

NoMoreWasabi thank you for that calculation. Can you direct me anywhere that works out unit calculations etc. I'd like to share this with him.

OP posts:

Original poster

SenoritaViva · 07/12/2011 09:58

Oh god, this is worse than I thought

OP posts:

LRDtheFeministDragon · 07/12/2011 10:03

Does he know what that's doing to his body? You mention the malaria but it sounds as if he's not thinking about it.

It sounds as if his tolerance has built up - and he never stops for long enough that it'd go back down again - and he feels ok at the moment. But the bottom line is, if he has been drinking like that for several years, and keeps on, he is very likely to kill himself. He could get cirrhosis, or liver cancer, or heart failure, or give himself diabetes, all quite easily. I am not pulling punches here and I know it's scary, but I think maybe he's assuming he's a big bloke, never feels horribly drunk, so it's all ok.

Realistically, the question is, does he want to see his children grow up, and does he want to be a granddad to their children? Not so many people who drink half a bottle of whiskey a day are wandering around being happy grandparents. Can you talk to him about the health risks? If he gets googling the stuff out there will - or should - scare him, as it is pretty grim reading.

randommoment · 07/12/2011 10:04

I have to go out to work, but I will come back to you later. Your DH does have a problem, but it's still resolvable at this stage. As I said, I will get back to you later when I can write properly and find the links you should have a look at. Meanwhile I'm sure there are depressingly large numbers of MN-ers out there who will be able to share info.

Slightlytinsellyexpat · 07/12/2011 10:05

This is an easy way to calculate units;

If the wine is 12% then there are 12 units in a litre. A wine bottle is usually 750ml so that is three quarters of a litre, so there are three quarters of 12 units in that bottle ie 9 units.

Similarly whisky that is 40% means that the are 40 units per litre.

Am I making sense here?

Slightlytinsellyexpat · 07/12/2011 10:07

No! Typos!

...."means that there are 40 units".....

Original poster

SenoritaViva · 07/12/2011 10:12

You are making sense expat! What is the recommended weekly allowance for a man? And how long does it take to 'burn' units off before you can drive do you know?

LRD I have thought of that - when I said less 'tolerance' I mean not to the actual booze but less tolerance to abusing it (like a fuse, his liver is already half blown IYSWIM).

random thank you I'd love to hear your thoughts. I still think it's resolvable too but we need to act now.

OP posts:

AvadventKalendar · 07/12/2011 10:16

It takes roughly an hour to get rid of one unit of alochol according to those police/road tv shows so yes he will still be over the limit.

MrsMagnolia · 07/12/2011 10:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsMagnolia · 07/12/2011 10:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Slightlytinsellyexpat · 07/12/2011 10:20

I don't know the recommended limit for a man, sorry, and anyway such things are guidelines rather than actual fact. Some would argue that they were just plucked out of the air, in a nanny-state and controlling kind of manner. Still, they do give an indication of what might be considered abnormal levels of alcohol consumption.

As for how long to process alcohol, I think it is an hour per unit, roughly, depending on sex and weight and so on.

Have a bit of a Google though and check it out.

NoMoreWasabi · 07/12/2011 10:33

Current guidance is, I believe, daily rather than weekly and 3-4 units per night for a man.

boxofwater · 07/12/2011 10:46

You can buy breathalysers on the internet. I wouldn't usually recommend that but it might be a good idea so he can see for himself that he's still testing over the limit the next day?

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