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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that DH has a drinking problem, but I don't know what to do.

43 replies

SenoritaViva · 07/12/2011 09:11

I am no angel - before I was pregnant I was fully aware that I had got into a rut drinking too much. My parents are probably functioning alcoholics as is my brother. On DH's side one sister has been in and out of rehab for years, lost custody of her children as a result, although is doing very well at the moment. His other sister has had some addiction issues - never rehab etc. but now avoids alcohol as it leads to bad things. His mum was most probably an alcoholic. So neither of us come from the best 'genes'.

When I met DH he smoked weed, we were young, so did I. When DD was born DH started to smoke more and more and when she turned 2 I left DH - his personality had changed so much. To his credit he stopped smoking weed, hasn't touched it since and the separation only lasted 4-6 months.

2 years on and I am about to have our second child. DH's drinking seems to have escalated, he drinks most but not all nights. And it has gone from being a bottle of wine to sometimes being 2. On his own. Last night he drank half a bottle of whiskey, when he had flu. A few months ago I got through to him and he successfully gave up for a few weeks before our holiday - he doesn't necessarily need rehab, but what does he need?

I know he is unhappy, he job is mediocre at best, and since we moved here he doesn't have that many friends nor hobbies.

I am so sad that history is repeating itself. How do I remain a supportive wife and yet show him how unhappy I am with his drinking? He says 'please stop being so cross' but I watched him do this last time and I simply don't know what to do again. I love DH, he's such a wonderful person in many ways.

Any advice and recommendations would be well received! Am I over reacting because I'm not drinking and have been stung by history. Should I remain angry? Disappointed? What should I do? Nagging won't help but I can't sit back and do nothing again.

Sorry this is so long.

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 07/12/2011 11:25

Call the police and tell them his route... They might pick him up. Might shock him into stopping. He could kill someone

PetiteRaleuse · 07/12/2011 11:26

SaraSidle I know someone who called the police on her husband to shock him into stopping drinking. The bloke lost his job and killed himself. His wife will never forgive herself, though she does understand there was obviously a lot more to it.

There must be other ways to slow him down other than calling the police. I doubt OP wants her husband to lose his licence or be jailed.

Original poster

SenoritaViva · 07/12/2011 11:35

I don't think I am quite at the point of calling the police on my DH, tbh I was horrified to think he would still be over the limit and I don't think that he has considered it either. He's a reasonable person, I'll give him the facts and figures first.

Thank you to everyone who is putting in the time and effort to reply, I really appreciate it, even if it isn't what I want to hear.

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 07/12/2011 12:11

www.drinkaware.co.uk/tips-and-tools/drink-diary/

GypsyMoth · 07/12/2011 12:18

No way is this ok. If he loses his licence then it's his fault. He could well kill himself, you are right, but through drink driving.... Or someone else, maybe one if us, or one if our children

Op... You need to tell him this TODAY. and confiscate his car keys if he doesn't listen. But act now

samandi · 07/12/2011 13:25

He is very likely to be over the limit on two bottles of wine if he drives at 8 the next morning. It's completely irresponsible and dangerous behaviour. It's definitely not ok.

If he doesn't like his job, why not put aside the money saved and look at retraining for something he actually wants to do? Or investigate hobbies/evening classes. He's not going to make friends sitting drinking by himself every night!

randommoment · 07/12/2011 14:39

Hi Senorita, I've got a few minutes peace... I've read through the thread. Right, DH is a problem drinker, as his drinking is giving you a problem, and he will be over the limit in the mornings, and is already doing damage to his liver and kidneys. I think he is probably aware of this himself, although keeping it on the back-burner of his brain.

Snorbs has already given accurate information on how an addict can only be helped if he or she wants to be helped. We - the partners, parents, sisters and brothers - can only give them the information, they have to decide what to do about it. Still do not have time to research the links now, probably won't get a chance until tonight now, but there was a really useful site.
I've known two people intimately with your DH's levels of regular consumption. One is DP, who sorted himself out and now drinks only at weekends and gets bladdered maybe twice a year. I can live with that and so can his constitution. (He's an amorous rather than violent drunk, and falls asleep mid hopeful grope, bless).
The other was my brother. He did not sort himself out, and our mother's well-meaning attempts to help him only enabled him to get worse - she refused to take the sort of good advice you are getting here.
He died aged 38 this summer.
More later.

Original poster

SenoritaViva · 07/12/2011 14:50

random how awful about your brother. So very sorry.

The good news is that DH sent me a text this morning (but only just checked now) saying he's noted my comments and I am right and that he will do something (Is suspect Random we will get to where your DH is). He has acknowledged it and we will discuss this evening. I will also bring up being over the limit and tell him I won't let him drive in the mornings if he has drunk too much. I am so relieved that he is willing to change.

Random I am sure those links will help me put into practice some changes.

Thank you to everyone (and any further advice).

OP posts:

Snorbs · 07/12/2011 14:59

I'm glad things are looking brighter. Forgive me if I add a couple of notes of caution, though. First, words are cheap. It would be worth your while paying less attention to what he says he's going to do about his drinking and a lot more attention to what he does.

Second, you are setting yourself up to act like the booze police. Your evenings will be reduced to watching him drink, counting how much he's had, wondering if he's got a secret stash, and then trying to work out if he'd be over the limit or not in the morning. The problem with this is that it turns his drink problem into something that you become responsible for managing.

At best this will end up with you effectively acting like his mum which is not good for your relationship. At worst it will achieve nothing other than him being sneakier about what/where he drinks while slowly driving you nuts.

Chandon · 07/12/2011 15:08

my DH is a bit of a drinker.

I have stopped buying alcohol. If he has to buy it himself, he is much more aware of how much he drinks that when it is "just there".

We could not live with always having beer in the fridge, he drinks whatever is there. So he now buys his own drinks from the shop on the corner, and it seems to help him to "drink more aware".

It's a pain as we have no drink in the house for unexpected guests! It may seem an odd set up but there is alcoholism on both sides in his family. Because of that, he considers himself a moderate drinker (compared to them) though!

TheyCallMeMimi · 07/12/2011 15:53

Guard against becoming his carer ... it's not your job to take his keys off him if you think he's had too much to drink. He has to sort this out himself by reading the information available, then deciding to cut down/give up.

Original poster

SenoritaViva · 07/12/2011 15:53

Chandon - yes I stopped buying alcohol a long time ago. Thankfully DH has never opened the bottle of champagne my dad gave me which was given to him when I was born; it gives me hope that even he has limits. Sadly we live in walking distance of a shop that is open till 11pm that sells booze.

Snorbs - I hear your words of caution! I think I need to arm DH with some serious health facts and over the limit facts (the country he comes from doesn't really enforce drinking and driving etc.) I don't want to manage it, nor turn him into a secret drinker which he isn't at the moment - I know exactly how much he has drunk since I take it out to the recycling.

OP posts:

thebody · 07/12/2011 16:19

i think the best way is to sit him down and say yes you both like a drink(like me and dh) but you have to rest your liver for a period each week for it to recover.

my dh works away and my kids are all teens and older so often feel lonely in the evening and its easy to reach for a glass after a stressful day at work.

what we do is to have NO ALCOHOL at all on sunday, monday and tuesday (have a little stubby of 2 units on wednesday evening )and then none on thursday and enjoy a bottle friday and sat, sometimes more. we probably still exceed our units most weeks but are allowing our livers to rest inbetween and I couldnt give up wine totally.

that way he wont be giving up but controlling it. needs willpower though but its worth it.

i dont belive in 'addicted personalities' think its psycho babble crap to excuse behaviours.

tell him if he wants to see his child grow up he has to change.

randommoment · 07/12/2011 21:32

Hi, have finally got rid of my beloved dds into bed, DH shouting at telly due to Man U not scoring, time for MN again.
I've been feeling guilty all afternoon about mentioning DB's death, don't want to be a drama queen and I know this thread is about helping you with what's going on now, not me with mourning my darling idiot brother.

These are some of the sites we used when DB started to have big, obvious problems; as I said we were constantly stymied by our mother's initial total denial that there was a problem, and later by her sneaking vodka to him in case he hit her again, and refusing to call the police or throw him out of her home. She was what the professionals call co-dependant by this time. Keeping her going since his death has been almost as big a challenge as trying to get him into the NHS rehab system was. Luckily she is very fond of her grandchildren and is currently on a high from my youngest newest niece being named after her.

helpguide.org/mental/alcohol_abuse_alcoholism_signs_effects_treatment.htm

www.alcoholconcern.org.uk/

www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

randommoment · 07/12/2011 21:39

How annoying, posted before I'd finished. Anyway - I think you've probably got more than enough food for thought now. You and DH are not anywhere near needing the information I could supply about detox, stage one and stage two rehab, and mental health services, thankfully.
Best of luck and keep us updated if you can. xx and hugs.

JosieZ · 07/12/2011 21:51

There is a messageboard on the BBC Archers Village Hall website
www.bbc.co.uk/dna/mbarchers/NF2693944?thread=8304834
which might be of help.

You cannot stop someone from drinking, only they can stop themselves from drinking. So don't think it's something you are doing wrong if he fails to change his habits.

GypsyMoth · 08/12/2011 15:20

How did it go op? What did he say? Did he drink last night/drive this morning?

LieInsAreRarerThanTigers · 08/12/2011 15:36

Hi Senorita, I feel for you and know you are going through tortures. I have been there too, and my story sounds v similar to yours in that dh smoked when we were younger and I joined in, then rather than leaving him I begged him to stop when dd was born (nearly 12 yrs ago), which he did. However he always resented that and gradually over the years drank more and more until this year he lost his job because of it and I asked him to leave our home as it was intolerable having him there. This should probably have happened about 3 years ago, but seemed unthinkable at the time.
You have already been brave enough to bite the bullet once so he must know that you will be prepared to do it again, albeit that you have another baby now. Al Anon might be of some help to you, as it was to me, even if it just gave me a chance to meet people in a similar situation and convince myself that I had to act. It was about 10 months between starting to go to meetings and giving him the ultimatum.

good luck, there are partners of addicts support threads on here too. Yes I do think your dh is an alcoholic, or very likely to be.

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