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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be frothing berserker about DD2 and babysitting

45 replies

LetmethinkNO · 07/12/2011 09:04

I had an email from a friend asking for a babysitter last night while other mother and I went to book group on our road. Took DD round then we went off to group. Afterwards I went to go home with other mother to collect her, but OM said - oh no my husband will be home by now, she'll have gone home, which she had.

I am livid. DD is 13 and had walked the half mile home, but without telling DH she was on her way. If anything had happened it would have been 2 hours until anyone knew she was missing.

Order of lividness. DD for not telling her Dad she was on way. Babysitting Dad for sending her off withourt checking there was someone home- DH would have walked to collect her if he'd known. Other mother for not mentioning that her husband would be home- I'd have told DD to tell Dad she was on her way.

I know the chances of her not getting home safely are miniscule- but I am frothing berserker about it.

OP posts:

TroublesomeEx · 07/12/2011 09:06

I would be too. YANBU.

Concerned enough about their own child's welfare to get a babysitter, but not at all concerned about your child's welfare.

She probably should have thought to let her dad know she was on the way home, but the other dad had a responsibility to ensure her safety on the way home. In whatever way he was able to achieve that.

Sirzy · 07/12/2011 09:06

Then ask your Dd in future to send someone a text when leaving somewhere so you know she is on the way.

Original poster

LetmethinkNO · 07/12/2011 09:11

Thank you both.

DD definitely should have texted. She has failings of common sense sometimes which are difficult to predict, but is usually very good at letting me know where she is- will text when she gets into school. Has a curfew and is scrupulous about letting me know where she is. She was surprised when the Dad appeared and just came home.

OP posts:

letmehelp · 07/12/2011 09:12

I don't know any man who want to see a woman (of any age) walk home after dark on her own. IMO the other DH should have made sure her Dad came to collect her.

valiumredhead · 07/12/2011 09:13

What time was this?

Original poster

LetmethinkNO · 07/12/2011 09:16

Just before 10. Definitely very dark and in a quite residential street in London.

I'm 99% certain that if it had been my DH relieving a babysitter he would have ensured she got home safely and if we had been the babysiting parents I would definitely have told him to.

OP posts:

TroublesomeEx · 07/12/2011 09:18

Show me a 13 year old who doesn't have "failings of common sense sometimes"!!

That's why they aren't allowed to leave home and live independently at 13 and why PR lasts until a child is 18!

valiumredhead · 07/12/2011 09:19

Oh no, no no, not on at all!

Lulabellarama · 07/12/2011 09:22

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster

LetmethinkNO · 07/12/2011 09:25

FG absolutely- I'm not saying she's a doofus, rather trying to paint a picture of a typical 13 year old who shouldn't be expected to always make the right call.

Right. I'm calmer now. I'll mark it down to a slip on the babysitting family's behalf and not offer her services again. although I secretly hope I'll get a chance to point out how massively I think they fucked up

OP posts:

Shutupanddrive · 07/12/2011 09:25

YANBU but what the hell is 'frothing beserker'? Am I the only one that has never heard this?

Bramshott · 07/12/2011 09:26

Oh blimey, I am clearly a bit lax then - I usually just leave it up to our babysitters to let their parents know they are on their way home, or ask them if they've got a torch. If DH and I are home at the same time, I will sometimes offer to walk them home, but usually they refuse. Surely if someone is old enough to babysit, they are old enough to work out what's needed to get home safely?

AlfalfaMum · 07/12/2011 09:27

OP did you not check what time she was needed until and how she'd be getting home? All that should be decided in advance.
Also though I think people who get a babysitter have a duty to make sure babysitter gets home safely.. I drive mine home or send her in a taxi and she's a lot older than 13.

Original poster

LetmethinkNO · 07/12/2011 09:27

Lula as I said she's a typical 13 year old. Entirely competent to comfort a 5 year old who'd woken up, and to call the mother or me if there was a problem, but slightly flustered when a man turned up unexpectedly and sent her home.

OP posts:

Lulabellarama · 07/12/2011 09:28

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

TroublesomeEx · 07/12/2011 09:30

Lulabellarama - If you give a child a job to do, with clear parameters and guidelines, they only need execute a minimal amount of common sense that will be prompted and guided by their understanding of the requirement of the situation.

The same 13 year old child could find themselves in an unchartered situation moments later (such as "ok, well thanks, you can go home now") when they might not 'know' or have forgotten the agreed parameters, and find that they do not make an appropriate judgement call. Or even think that because the other adult hasn't suggested it that it isn't necessary and they might look less mature by suggesting it. Being 13 is an absolute minefield!

That is why we 'scaffold' and structure our children's increasing independence.

It was no unreasonable of the OP to assume that the dad would let her know when her DD was on the way home.

I certainly would have done.

Hullygully · 07/12/2011 09:31

I would be VERY cross. Stupid other dad.

Original poster

LetmethinkNO · 07/12/2011 09:32

Alfalfa the assumption- one that was definitely from the mother- was that I'd walk her home after book club. I don't know the family, and assumed she was a single mother.

I'm guessing that the husband was early and the Mother just didn't think about how she got home.

OP posts:

TroublesomeEx · 07/12/2011 09:32

My DS is 13, as are his lovely and very sensible friends. However, I would not just send his friends home at that time of night.

TroublesomeEx · 07/12/2011 09:33

Lulabellarama - you might babysit a lot, but presumably you are not 13!

Lulabellarama · 07/12/2011 09:34

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Sirzy · 07/12/2011 09:34

I'm finding it odd you left your 13 year old babysit for a family you don't know. Almost as odd as the parents of a 5 year old being happy to leave a strange 13 year old looking after their child.

letmehelp · 07/12/2011 09:36

Yes, a 13 yo should be able to to navigate "uncharted waters" if she's judges a suitable babysitter, but it was very poor of the other Dad not to offer - would just have been good manners to check she had a safe means of getting home. Every one of my male friends would make this inquiry of me and object to me walking home alone now and I'm more than 3 times her age (that came as a )

Lulabellarama · 07/12/2011 09:37

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

TroublesomeEx · 07/12/2011 09:39

Emergency situation - most parents leave an emergency number with their babysitters. I always had one when I babysit.

An aggressive cold caller at the door - "don't answer the door to anyone. We have a key and will use it".

It's the issue of the rules being established.

13 year olds are quite capable of following the rules they have been set, but not always as capable of recognising the unspoken rules in other situations.

Tbf though, I wouldn't have babysat at 13 and wouldn't ask a 13 year old to babysit - because it's too young - so much of what I'm saying is largely academic!!!

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