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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tell me if I am being unreasonable.

67 replies

Abouttime · 06/12/2011 21:38

DD is almost 7 months old & DP wants to take her to his parents on Sunday who live 90 miles away. I don't have a problem with this except he will be leaving her with his mum for 5-6 hours whilst him & his dad go to a footy match.
She has only seen them 10 times & has never been left for any length of time whilst awake with anyone else except us.

She is my second DC so I'm not pfb but I think it's unfair on her.
I can't/won't go because I am having my first night out on sat in 18 months do I expect to be feeling rather rough on Sun.

So wibu if I said I don't want him to take her and I do know this means I will have to look after her with a stinking hangover?!

OP posts:
EleanorRathbone · 06/12/2011 22:25

Parents are equal if they're doing 50 50 childcare.

You don't do 50% of the care, you don't get 50% of the say IMO.

AvadventKalendar · 06/12/2011 22:27

YABU.

DeliaSucksStollen · 06/12/2011 22:30

OK, now you've explained a bit more and I've read your OP again YANBU. You haven't had a chance to get to know you're MIL yourself yet, either. A couple of hours would be different. It's quite a long stretch.

PeelThemWithTheirMithrasKnives · 06/12/2011 22:31

I think YABU to plan to have a hangover.

Bossybritches22 · 06/12/2011 22:36

Eleanor If only it were that easy!!

Original poster
Abouttime · 06/12/2011 22:37

I haven't said he can't, in fact I've told him I won't stop him because she is his daughter too but just wondered what other people's opinions were.

I'm not an unreasonable person & as I have nothing to do with my own mother I think it's really important she has a good relationship with her but that doesn't stop me from believing she's a bit too young.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 06/12/2011 22:39

But his mum is your daughter's grandmother and has seen her ten times already, even though your daughter is almost seven months old. Give your daughter some credit - of course she'll recognise her!

Also, with my children at least, they seemed to recognise and trust their extended family, even if they didn't see them very often.

Your MIL wants to spend some time with her granddaughter. She'll be good to her and play with her and take care of her. Both of them will have a lovely time.

I can just imagine my response if a DIL (in the future) said, "Oh sorry, baby can't stay with you because she's only seen you ten times."

For crying out loud!

cestlavielife · 06/12/2011 22:47

she will be fine.
relax.
dad will be within reach.
how come a footy match lasts five to six hours anyway?

EleanorRathbone · 06/12/2011 22:53

I really don't know why everyone is insisting this baby will be fine.

She might be.

Equally she might not be. What's the back up plan if she's not? For the father to leave the match just on the point of his team scoring? Really?

Mostly when you are going to leave your 7 month old baby with someone for 6 hours, the advice is to build up the time they are left alone with that person, gradually. It sounds like this baby has never been left with the MIL for even as long as an hour.

There's absolutely no guarantee at all that the baby and the MIL will be happy for this long.

And yes I agree, this must be the longest football match in history.

FreudianSlipper · 06/12/2011 22:55

ds would stay with his dad and spend time just with his granny at this age. i thought it was very important as she does not see him often so they could build a relationship

i am sure if your dd does not settle or gets upset she will call your dh and he will come and settle her. many babies are in nursery by this age and settle fine

Sirzy · 06/12/2011 22:56

With time to travel to the match, early enough to park etc doesn't seem to long.

When I go to the rugby for an 8pm kick off I leave home at 6pm and don't get home til 11ish. I could be home in 20 mins if needed though

Original poster
Abouttime · 06/12/2011 23:00

The length of time is because of travel time to & from the match. KO is 4pm do the bus leaves 1h 15 mins before & he has to get to the pick up point which is incidentally the pub at least 30 mins but usually 1h before that so he will be leaving DD at 1:45pm & won't be back until about 6:45 pm which is 5 hrs but could be home later depending on the traffic.

Anyway at the moment he's taking her so....

Let's see what happens, at least I get to nurse my hangover in peace :)

OP posts:
troisgarcons · 06/12/2011 23:08

wibu if I said I don't want him to take her

I haven't said he can't, in fact I've told him I won't stop him because she is his daughter too but just wondered what other people's opinions were.

You know YABU - so why ask us a load of strangers if your DP can spend time with his father have his mother spend time with DD when you are nursing a thick head.

Bloody odd they only met you 4 times before the DDs birth though - and then a massive 10 times in the 7 months since she's born .... not too social with the ILs are you? that much is discerned from I can't/won't go because I am having my first night out on sat in 18 months do I expect to be feeling rather rough on Sun....and wibu if I said I don't want him to take her and I do know this means I will have to look after her with a stinking hangover?!.... hang on - your anticpating to be too ill/sick/ to travel yet want to care fora baby in that state??

You want it both ways - a night out on the piss and to be so utterly indispensibe that DP cannot take DD to visit his parents.

I have nothing to do with my own mother - his mother isn't yours. Its his mother.

chocablock · 06/12/2011 23:12

YANBU I would feel the same. I think you should go along yourself and just take something for the hangover. Then everyone will be happy.

ImperialBlether · 06/12/2011 23:22

I would be mortified if my DIL thought I couldn't care for a baby. I'd think she was a bit stupid, too, to be honest. A MIL has by her nature taken care of children before. If you think she did a good job with your husband, let her take care of your child for a few hours.

LoopyLoopsWoopDeWoops · 06/12/2011 23:27

I wouldn't, but then neither my mother, not my MIL would want to at that age, I think.

LoopyLoopsWoopDeWoops · 06/12/2011 23:27

*nor

EleanorRathbone · 07/12/2011 14:34

I wouldn't be mortified, because I'd understand that it wasn't all about me, it was about the baby.

I wouldn't care how well qualified someone was to look after my baby, I wouldn't leave my baby in the care of anyone who they weren't very familiar with, for more than a couple of hours. The baby doesn't care if they're competent and qualified, the baby cares about feeling safe, comfortable and familiar. It's not about the MIL not being qualified, it's about the baby not knowing her well.

cory · 07/12/2011 14:40

would people feel equally sure that being looked after by a father with a stinking hangover was a better alternative to being looked after by a grandmother the baby knows but not very well?

Chandon · 07/12/2011 14:47

If granny is happy to look after her, I would do it, unless the baby has very severe separation anxiety, but then you would not have agreed to the whole thing anyway.

What is the worst that could happen here?

yabu

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 07/12/2011 14:48

Plenty of people use babysitters, nannies, childminders etc and will not have had the level of contact your DD has had with her GM beforehand. 7 months is a good time to do this, because as long as they are cuddled, fed & changed the vast majority of them really don't care who is doing it. It's the Mum's that get worried not the babies.

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 07/12/2011 14:49

Make sure DP takes the buggy (and puts it up) & warm outfit/covers so that if by any chance DD is a bit unsettled MIL can take her for a walk :)

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 07/12/2011 14:50
ToldYaSo · 07/12/2011 16:02

lol if my DIL thought i wasnt able to mind a baby for a few hours, I would say no you are probably right dear, you obviously have far more experience than my 20+ years and then laugh in her face

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/12/2011 16:09

I don't see the OP as doubting her MIL's ability to care for her DD; more that DD might be a bit fazed being left with MIL, who from the DD's point of view is a relatively unfamiliar person.

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