To think I have sold my soul to the devil...

[luckywinner]

I am in an absolutely shitty mood, plus this is my first ever AIBU, but I really really need a rant.

My husband works a LOT. He is out A LOT. It is usually because he is working till all hours, trying to calm down some squillionaire who is about to buy another company to add to his pot of millions, or kissing the arse of some private equity company who are about to squeeze the life out of some poor unsuspecting company.

He is well paid for this job, although I often wonder if what his hourly rate would be if I added up all the hours of the day he gives. This job allows us to live in a nice-ish area, in a house (which is no means big by the way) that I love. It allows me to do retrain in an area I have always wanted to work in. I work part time, I have two children, and am 7 months pregnant. I do all the childcare, all the housework and laundry. To be fair when he is here he does all he can to help, like he makes the children's packed lunches every morning, and will cook meals and freeze them etc for me. At the weekend (when it is not taken over by work) we hang out together and have a great time.

I do not have the best mental health (suicidal 12 months ago) and his job has enabled me to skip the system and go and see a brilliant psychiatrist who also works for the NHS but has a ridiculously long waiting list.

So yes I am a moaning bitch. But tonight I am exhausted, my children are crazily hyped from their school christmas party, I have 10 shirts to iron and another evening in on my own. I am so so so so bored. And I am thinking, this morning, as he left, he says 'I have work drinks tonight', and it is assumed that it is ok for me the little housewife to be left behind. This happens a lot. And it makes me think, why? Why is it us, women, (and of course I am generalising) who are always always the ones who are in the background, enabling life to carry on in a vaguely organised state, so that shopping gets bought, clothes get washed etc, and anything vaguely important in our lives takes a back seat? I do not remember signing up for this. I feel like I have sold my soul to the devil. I have given up me. And it is total bollocks. And it is about to happen all over again when I have this next baby.

I imagine I am going to get flamed, but to be honest I don't care. Thank you to all who have read/listened so far. This really is a rant. I don't want to hear 'mummy.....blah blah blah' for the next 72 hours. I would like to run away from all of this. Please don't come on here and be smug and say "well you decided to have children/marry this man/sell your soul" because honestly if anyone had told me this is what happens when you have children, I would have packed my bags and travelled the world. And now my head is itching, no doubt with bloody nits. Argggggggghhhhhhhhhh.

I'm in a very similar situation, and am sitting here chuckling at everyone telling you to ditch the ironing.....I don't do the ironing either! He irons his own work shirts - I couldn't even tell you how the iron works (it's one of those fancy steam things).

My friend is going to give me the number of the Ironing Man as he is known in these parts. I promise to call him. It could be an end of year resolution.
I am still seeing my head doctor and am now going to a CBT counsellor who is hopefully going to help me with more practical day to day solutions.

KissMyA I do work, part time. But yey! I got to 45 posts before someone like you came along. Although in fact, your name sums up how I feel about life today. How about you lend it out for 48 hours.

I was feeling so glum about being a mother/female earlier. I am actually feeling a little more positive thanks to you all. Yey to sisterhood. And one of these for all . Although I am about to go and pour myself a tonic and pretend it has gin in it as yes I am on ads, so prob not the best combo.

You are definitely not the only one feeling like this! I think it's made worse by a general sense that everything is wrong/not how you like it, and this might sound superficial/self-helpy but make a list of real actual things you can do/ask your DH to do, how much they cost (whether in pounds or hours). some of them will be immediate and obvious, others may need some thought. Eg sort out getting a cleaner who does ironing, from now until the baby is say 6 months. Find out about ante/post-natal/NCT type groups - anything that will make you feel like you're improving your lot rather than wallowing in it (been there, lecture over!)

Eek, 12 shirts in 45 mins Original that is seriously impressive.
Fuck the ironing then
And KissMyA, that came out all wrong, what I meant was, before I got a slightly short post, so huge apologies. Please take it as me being hormonal and a cow.

It's yours m'dear! Always happy to help! . I'm sure you will feel better in the morning

blissful sigh to the idea of outsourcing the children. But I am my own worst enemy, talk about mrs martyr. No one else could possibly do the job better than me

Which is why it is good to outsource them now and again, as it makes them appreciate you a bit more..

Don't worry, takes more than that. I too am I massive hormonal cow so understand deeply.

NO its not part of the deal that you iron a grown man's shirts especially at 7 months pregnant. Its not hard for your DH (I assume) 1 shirt per day -simples.

Anyhow, WTF do people say get a job, in this situation? I have 3 DC, the last thin i want to do is get a f**king job. Besides op has a job ironing shirts joke and is heavily preggo.

I am in a milder version of your situation. DH works a 60 hour week. Until recently he worked away M-F and before that was away often. TBH I think DH would be reluctant to do more hours than he does now because of missing out on the DCs growing up (thats how he feel) but may change if he got offered mega money, who knows.

I would defintley get some help, cleaner? , mothers help, doula, nanny, babysitter etc

Ditch the ironing! I have never ever done it except for Dh's shirts which he does himself but I did them twice when he was ill.

I find if the house is ruthlessly decluttered, I rarely have to tidy and cleaning is a piece of cake. Need to blitz again actually...

I totally get what you mean about loving your children fiercely but not wanting to sing Rudolph again. I try to turn them on each other in this circ. Eg, "I don't want to sing it again, why don't you ask DD2 to sing to you" and they focus on each other and leave me to wallow a bit. I'm nearly 5 months with DC3 so I sympathise entirely.

Someone on here posted recently that no-one can cope well with their other children when they're pregnant, don't take it as something to panic about (eg. "what have I done? I can't manage 2!"). I feel so, so tired but it will pass. One day they'll be much more independent and you will be able to upholster to your heart's content! I will be playing my long neglected piano and we will wish they were small and needy again!

i'm i in a similar positoin but a year down your line (fab dh, unplanned 3rd). i had bit of a 'rough patch' and went through hv and gp who pointed out i was my own worst enemy with extrememly high standards. there is no answer, it's just the way things are. i really don't see how i could have avoided it other than have a full time nanny for my older kids! dh wasn't going to grow and give birth to a baby for me so this is just the way things are. i just have to keep on top of it mentally and make sure i have enough time out to stop the build up of negatives.

i do feel utterly trapped because my kids are all so young i honestly don't think anyone at all could have all of them for longer than a few hours without all hell breaking loose. but in a few years time when all of them are at school i'll really, really miss these days.

Oh, and DH has recently been made redundant and is home whilst interviewing and stuff and realised the grass isn't always greener! He is now insanely appreciative of what I 'do all day' and has stopped his murmurings about maybe being a SAHD for a year or two. He used to travel extensively (think 7 weeks at a time very rarely) and I am loving having him here for a while. He has realised just what goes on when he is away and is only looking at jobs which wont require the travel and hours he was doing. He genuinely had no idea what impact it had on my workload as a SAHM. He just felt sad that he was missing things, but that it was 'his' sacrifice. Now he realises that it costs us all, he has altered ambitions. I must be the only wife in the world who is thankful for the main breadwinner losing work...

Fuck the ironing. Seriously.

Your DH no doubt passes a dry cleaner on his commute - they wash AND IRON shirts you know!

It sounds as though you are focusing on the wrong things. Life is too short. Ironing, painted nails and shopping are things to do if you have time left over AFTER you have done the really important stuff, the stuff that keeps you going, makes you feel good about yourself, makes your family work.

Your kids are NOT the centre of the universe and you are NOT the only person who can look after them. If you have the money, get them into a nursery one day a week. Spend that day on upholstery lessons, painting, lying in bed reading, whatever you need to do to feel like a person again rather than an automaton.

It is not selfish to want to enjoy your life. It is not selfish to have your own goals and triumphs.

Ironing someone else's shirts is NEVER going to make you happy.

Agree with OriginalChristmasPoster - don't pretend to be fine. Explain to your dh that it's not ok for him to just 'inform' you he has work drinks unless it is also ok for you to 'inform' him you are having an evening out with your friends and expect him to be home to babysit. You are both parents and just because the childcare is your day job, that doesn't necessarily mean it all should fall to you on an evening too. There needs to be give and take, and while it sounds like he does make an effort to help out with meals, he needs to understand the importance of spending time with you on an evening too. Family life is not just about practicalities, it's also about being there for each other. And you're pg for god's sake - stop those martyr tendencies right now and speak up for what you need! It sounds like your dh is a good sort, give him the chance to help you.

And like everyone else says - stop the bloody ironing!

Ooh and Toddlerama I'm so glad you just said that about nobody coping well with other children when they are pg - I'm 3 months and 17 month old dd was running back and forth from one sofa to the other this afternoon pretending to throw herself off the back, as it (obviously) makes me run to her. I got sick of it, grumbled 'you're just going to end up hurting yourself' and wasn't as fast as I should have been when she did it for the umpteenth time, didn't get there quick enough and of course she somersaulted in spectacular fashion over the back of the sofa landing heavily on her back in the playpen. How bad did I feel! So thank you for that.

LuckyWinner, I completely understand where you are coming from. When you are the carer, all you seem to do is give, give, give. Sometimes you just run out of something TO give.

Now is the time to get yourself set up for the arrival of DC3, do,whatever you need to do to take time out and have a break, because you know yourself what it is like to add a new baby to the mix. Get parents in and go away with DH for the weekend, organise your cleaner, buy some non-iron shirts or rope in the cleaner to do them.

I think being a stay at home mum is one of the best, and hardest job in the world. It's twice as hard when your doing it on your own a lot. Remember your DH could bring home the bacon like he does unless you were there to egg him on and take care of the kids and house.

Could = couldn't (bring home the bacon)