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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I have sold my soul to the devil...

66 replies

luckywinner · 06/12/2011 18:47

I am in an absolutely shitty mood, plus this is my first ever AIBU, but I really really need a rant.

My husband works a LOT. He is out A LOT. It is usually because he is working till all hours, trying to calm down some squillionaire who is about to buy another company to add to his pot of millions, or kissing the arse of some private equity company who are about to squeeze the life out of some poor unsuspecting company.

He is well paid for this job, although I often wonder if what his hourly rate would be if I added up all the hours of the day he gives. This job allows us to live in a nice-ish area, in a house (which is no means big by the way) that I love. It allows me to do retrain in an area I have always wanted to work in. I work part time, I have two children, and am 7 months pregnant. I do all the childcare, all the housework and laundry. To be fair when he is here he does all he can to help, like he makes the children's packed lunches every morning, and will cook meals and freeze them etc for me. At the weekend (when it is not taken over by work) we hang out together and have a great time.

I do not have the best mental health (suicidal 12 months ago) and his job has enabled me to skip the system and go and see a brilliant psychiatrist who also works for the NHS but has a ridiculously long waiting list.

So yes I am a moaning bitch. But tonight I am exhausted, my children are crazily hyped from their school christmas party, I have 10 shirts to iron and another evening in on my own. I am so so so so bored. And I am thinking, this morning, as he left, he says 'I have work drinks tonight', and it is assumed that it is ok for me the little housewife to be left behind. This happens a lot. And it makes me think, why? Why is it us, women, (and of course I am generalising) who are always always the ones who are in the background, enabling life to carry on in a vaguely organised state, so that shopping gets bought, clothes get washed etc, and anything vaguely important in our lives takes a back seat? I do not remember signing up for this. I feel like I have sold my soul to the devil. I have given up me. And it is total bollocks. And it is about to happen all over again when I have this next baby.

I imagine I am going to get flamed, but to be honest I don't care. Thank you to all who have read/listened so far. This really is a rant. I don't want to hear 'mummy.....blah blah blah' for the next 72 hours. I would like to run away from all of this. Please don't come on here and be smug and say "well you decided to have children/marry this man/sell your soul" because honestly if anyone had told me this is what happens when you have children, I would have packed my bags and travelled the world. And now my head is itching, no doubt with bloody nits. Argggggggghhhhhhhhhh.

OP posts:
BrianAndHisBalls · 06/12/2011 19:14

Sorry, that was meant to sound more encouraging than it did, a kind of I share your pain type thing Smile

Methe · 06/12/2011 19:14

If you want a V+T Lucky then have one! One isn't going to do any harm AT ALL :)

musttidyupmusttidyup · 06/12/2011 19:15

What folkgirl said. Even if you are happy and grateful for your lot we all go through rough patches sometimes.
No flaming from me, but here, have Brew or a small(ish) Wine

KenDoddsDadsDog · 06/12/2011 19:18

I am feeling very similar to you today! No flaming from me!

bigbadbarry · 06/12/2011 19:19

I'm in your gang too: soul sold to be the madly pedalling " woman behind the successful man" without ever being asked, it's just the way things have turned out. I do have a cleaner and my ironing done though :) I have friends who babysit occasionally for a special occasion but nobody to allow a regular night out. No solutions I'm afraid but the key is definitely to carve our some time doing something you want to do. Evenings in front of the telly make it worse IME

Chundle · 06/12/2011 19:20

Awww bless you lucky I do feel for you. I have no family where I live they are all 4 hours away so am very isolated and have no babysitters on hand so I get you when you say about needing babysitters and timeout!
This year for Xmas I've asked everyone for vouchers for a local cleaning company so I can get ny house cleaned once a week for few weeks :) anything to get a bit of me time back again!
I think anyone that flames you isn't being true to themselves as we ALL feel a bit like you sometimes and all want our lives back to ourselves at some point

runningwilde · 06/12/2011 19:22

Maybe you really need to think about how lucky you are. Your husband helps with the cooking and lunches, you get on, you have healthy kids. You are not freezing, starving or helpless and you have choices. Sometimes we really do need to realise how lucky we are.

thebigkahuna · 06/12/2011 19:22

"I have 10 shirts to iron"

No you don't. Unless you're a family of ten they're not all going to be worn tomorrow are they?

And DH can do his own shirt. Do the kids if you must I wouldn't bother

MrsHollyandtheIvy · 06/12/2011 19:22

I felt this way when I was 7 months pregnant with DC2, too. Looking back, I think I suffered prenatal depression. Given your history, this might be something for you to think about. It's the feeling that you can't talk to anyone, the feeling of isolation, that's the worst.

You must be exhausted. If I could afford a cleaner, I would get one. DH does his bit and I do my best but I am tired and feel down because my house is a shit hole. I wouldn't care what anyone else has to say on the matter - if I could, I would. Take care of yourself.

Original poster
luckywinner · 06/12/2011 19:23

Brian it's ok, I knew what you meant.
Methe I think if I had one, I want another......then I'd be one of those women from a BBC 3 documentary.
Ironing, bloody ironing. He wears suit and shirt to work and I guess I feel like its my side of the bargain, you know after all this swanning about having my nails painted, shopping in White Company, having my highlights done and drinking lattes Xmas Wink.

No but seriously I know how lucky I am to have a lovely dh, be comfortable financially, but I so often think there has to be more to life than this. And just to add to the pot, dc3 was unplanned and v unexpected, especially in my state of recovery from a very serious bout of depression. I just don't want to go back there and I need more than this. Ironing in front of reruns of Grey's Anatomy just doesn't do it for me.

OP posts:
HandMini · 06/12/2011 19:24

Lucky - I'm very envious of your upholstery skills. Could you find some other arty/crafty people in the area and have them round to yours in the evening to do sewing/knitting/upholstery stuff? Might work quite well if it were a post bedtime thing.

Anything you can do that's regular, so you stamp some ownership on, say, Tuesday nights, and then your DH HAS to make as much effort as possible to be home on time, clear his diary etc.

LadyMaryCrawley · 06/12/2011 19:24

YANBU. Be kind to yourself - you're human, busy, pregnant, tired. Of course you are allowed to feel this way, no matter your circumstances.

I hope you feel better soon OP.

TeamMeleKalikimaka · 06/12/2011 19:24

I think my iron is in the cupboard under the stairs, but I wouldn't bet my life on it...
Don't iron, get some extra childcare and do something you want to do - even if that "something" is NOTHING!

ANTagony · 06/12/2011 19:25

From what you say the elder two are at school. Do you have a week and a bit left till they break up for Christmas?

What about a few treats to energise you in the run up to Christmas - a facial, a haircut, a long lunch out with a friend/ a relative, a pedicure, a manicure?

Outsourcing really can be an option - do you have breakfast/ after school clubs that you could make more use of sometimes? I'm thinking ahead to buy you time with the lo and more time to rest before the birth if you find you need it.

camdancer · 06/12/2011 19:26

I was feeling like this yesterday. Every single aspect of my life has changed since having children. Every minute of every day as I'm now a SAHM. Even the one thing I do to make me feel human, 1 hour of ballet a week, is different because my body has changed so much. However hard DH tries he just can't understand how that feels.

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 06/12/2011 19:30

luckywinner - unless you are on AD's a tonic with a tipple of vodka in it isn't going to hurt and may do you a lot of good! Just the sheer pleasure of having it.

Definitely outsource any cleaning/ironing.

Find a babysitter you trust and get out of an evening occasionally.

DH's with good jobs, that provide good lifestyles are all well and good - but it can make for a lonely life. You are not alone in this. You are also not alone in loving your kids but finding it bloody hard work to be Mum 24/7 and lose your identity in the process.

KissMyA · 06/12/2011 19:30

Go to work then?

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 06/12/2011 19:30

If anyone flames you - tell them to fuck off and when they get there, to fuck off again.

BrianAndHisBalls · 06/12/2011 19:31

could you find something to do for yourself? As well as the course I mean. I sell on etsy, I love sewing and find it relaxing to do that in the evenings even if it is in front of the tv, might give you a bit of spark back?

KD0706 · 06/12/2011 19:31

Definitely outsource the ironing.

I just have one DD, 18 months old and am only 5 months w DC2 but I send DHs shirts to a lady to do and I have a cleaner who comes in once a fortnight.

But I get how you feel. My DH is currently away Monday - Friday so gets full nights sleep, to eat his dinner in peace etc. and I'm at home with my DD. who is lovely and fabulous. But lots of work.

I too am lucky that DH's job pays for lots of nice things (though not sure when I last got my nails done!!). But the off side of that is that when his work as him to take on a project 500 miles away he jumps at the chance and I'm left literally holding the baby.

Are you still seeing your counsellor? You must tell him/her this. Or speak to your GP. I agree with the poster who said you should be wary of antenatal (or is it prenatal? Sorry) depression.

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 06/12/2011 19:31

KissMyA - she's 7 months pregnant - hardly practical to suggest she goes to work is it.

dreamofwhitehorses · 06/12/2011 19:31

I tried to be the sort of person who did ironing a while ago. It was okay at first for the novelty value but I could not believe how fucking long it took. Stop ironing.

KissMyA · 06/12/2011 19:36

In that case, you're just tired and hormonal. Go and have a cuppa, the ironing will still be there when you're ready Xmas Grin

OriginalChristmasPoster · 06/12/2011 19:37

I only iron shirts, I can do 12 in 45 mins. I put something good from the radio on iplayer, and get on with it.

Sorry, forgot you don't want advice. But if finances allow, get a cleaner.

Tell your dh how you feel, don't pretend to be 'fine', which is very bad for your mental health.

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 06/12/2011 19:39

YABU to iron.

YABU and a fool.

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