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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To believe that I treat my kids fairly?

30 replies

treatingkidsdifferently · 06/12/2011 12:15

As long as you define fairly as 'in accordance with their individual needs' rather than 'exactly the same'?

Name changed for this.

I read a thread on here last week by a woman who felt her mum had always favoured her brother over her. It really hit a raw nerve in relation to how I parents my own kids, and I can't stop thinking about it now.

I have a 6yo very clingy DS and a 5yo very independent DD. My DS definitely gets more of my attention because he just seems to need it more.

For example - birthday parties. Unlike most of his class, DS does not like me to leave him at parties. He always asks me to stay, and last time I tried leaving him he apparently spent the whole time sitting by himself not joining in. I don't think this is fair on DS or the party hosts, so now I stay with him (although I always ask if he would be happy for me to go) and (as DH works on Saturdays) ask a friend to look after DD. DD on the other hand is fine about me leaving her, so I do, because it seems silly to stay when she hardly knows I am there, and I would also have to find childcare for DS.

That is only one example - in general, DS gets much more attention. I don't really believe I am favouring DS, as I would do the same for DD if she needed me to, but I can't help worrying that I am sowing the seeds for DD to post on here in 30 years' time about how her mum always put her brother first!!

So AIBU? And if so, WWYD to change things?

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 06/12/2011 12:18

So long as both children are happy, and not resentful of each other, then you are treating them fairly.

I would work on your DS though, as he sounds very lacking in confidence, and shy. Perhaps get his sister to encourage him to come out of his shell a bit more.

OneHandFlapping · 06/12/2011 12:19

My philosophy is that as long as they all feel equally hard done by in 20 year's time, I will have done a good job .

MrsSleepy · 06/12/2011 12:19

OneHandFlapping

manicbmc · 06/12/2011 12:20

The fact you think about says it all. I don't think she will be bothered. Could you get your dp to do something with your ds while you have some quality time with your dd - once a week or once a fortnight.

I used to do this with my twins as ds is severely disabled and needed a lot of attention. At the weekend the ex would take ds out and dd and I would go for a mooch about town or go to the cinema.

ceebie · 06/12/2011 12:25

The key thing is that so long as you are always OFFERING your DD attention...

TroublesomeEx · 06/12/2011 12:26

I treat my children in accordance with their individual needs - as best as I can.

My Dad/his wife and my BIL/his wife each have a child with a disability.

BIL/his wife - treat their children fairly. Each of the children have their individual needs met which means that sometimes they do the same things, sometimes they don't. When they do do the same things, the one with the disability receives more support if necessary.

Dad/his wife - in order to treat their children 'equally' treat one of them very unfairly. The child without the disability is not allowed to participate in an activity if her sister with the disability would not also benefit from it. Their "individual needs" are most definitely not met.

In your position, I would carry on as you are because your DS needs that. Could you make time to spend time alone with your DD so that she has an equal amount of time spent with her but in a different way/at a more appropriate time?

DeeOfTheNorth · 06/12/2011 12:26

Your DD might be fine with it and not need as much attention but I bet she might still want it a bit more.

I was like this with my older sister - she was much shyer, clingy-er and needier than I ever was so I was left to get on with a lot of stuff myself. Now, looking back I don't actually mind too much (as it's made me a confident and independent adult) but there is a part of me that thinks 'actually I wish just sometimes you would have left Dsis to her own devices and for once given me the main focus'.

Also my Dsis is still painfully shy and socially awkward to the point where it's actually a problem.

Agree your DS might need a bit more attention but it sounds like he's dictating and controlling your behaviour with his. Might want to start trying to 'de-cling' him now so you're not storing up problems for later.

Hope this helps.

tigermoll · 06/12/2011 12:27

Hmmm, - I have to say, I feel for your DD. My sibling always 'just seemed to need more attention' too! (Still does....)

The problem is, this can become a pattern, - your DS gets used to having this level of attention, and so if you try to reduce it, he will react negatively. And your DD learns that she doesn't get the attention, so doesn't try. Or learns that her place in the family is to be the sorted, placid one who's never any trouble, and then feels she can't ever break out of the role when things aren't 'all right' for her.

I agree with other posters that your DS seems a bit anxious and maybe needs a confidence boost. But staying with him in social situations doesnt seem like a long term solution. Could you maybe invite some of his friends from school over to make sure he has some oppos to play with at said parties?

Pandemoniaa · 06/12/2011 12:30

Agree with ceebie. Provided that your DD doesn't get ignored in favour of her rather more needy brother then you are treating them fairly according to their needs. I'd be inclined to work on the clingy problem though and try and build your ds's confidence rather than accepting that he is, in some way, higher maintenance than your dd and that's just the way it is going to be, ad infinitum. Otherwise, I could see resentment creeping in.

GooKingWenceslas · 06/12/2011 12:33

If you have noticed it, then it might be an issue. Maybe get your DH to take DS so you can do something just for DD?

I do think you need to parent to their needs, but it is a shame if you don't make time for your DD just because she doesn't need you to.

PandaNot · 06/12/2011 12:34

Maybe try to make sure you gave your dd attention even though she doesn't seem to need it. Sometimes it's nice to have the attention just for the sake of it.

My dc get different kinds of attention because that's what they need. DS and I go to the cinema every week, it's 'our thing'. DD and I spend a lot of time together at the moment because she's not yet at school. When she starts I'll make an effort to have time alone with her too.

PandaNot · 06/12/2011 12:35

Forgot to say - YANBU

DeWe · 06/12/2011 14:27

There are times you can't be totally fair.

#1 is given a bike for her 3rd birthday. When #2 is big enough she gets the bike and #1 gets a new one. Do you give it to #2 as a present like #1; but it's second hand and not chosen by her. Or do you let #2 just have it and she gets a different present too?

Or you go out with friends while #1 is at school. She buys #2 an ice cream. Do you buy #1 an ice cream after school so they've had one each-and #2 has to watch. Or do you just say #1 missed out.

They're little things that children can resent, but actually there is not an obvious fair answer.

HazleNutt · 06/12/2011 15:12

I agree with Dee, I also had (well have, she's still alive and well) a sister who needed and demanded a lot more attention. I didn't demand, so I guess my parents, like OP, assumed I was fine. I wasn't really, I was just not the demanding type, but still hoped that they would notice me sometimes as well.

Acanthus · 06/12/2011 15:18

I think you need to make a point of taking DD out for one-to-one time with you.

whatdoiknowanyway · 06/12/2011 15:29

The second hand bike thing is a big one to look out for. I was second daughter. We used to go out shopping for clothes for my sister. I was allowed no input into what was bought even though I would be wearing it the next year. When we got home from the shopping trip we would look through my sister's old clothes and I was meant to get excited abo it the 'lovely' stuff that was being handed down to me.
Nadir was as a young teen when my sister was bought a school skirt and insisted on getting a very unfashionable on the knee length. I was 4" taller than her so it would ( and it did) look ridiculous on me the next year.

35 years on she still doesn't see why it was a problem to me.

My kids had handmedowns but I made sure each had the same amount of clothes to call their own.

Maryz · 06/12/2011 15:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

treatingkidsdifferently · 06/12/2011 15:30

Thanks all - some food for thought here. I agree with making an effort to spend more time with DD, and also working to try and improve DS's confidence.

OP posts:

Acanthus · 06/12/2011 16:35

No the bike thing is easy. The rule is, you can always have a bike. If you want a new one it will be a present. But if you want a second hand one we will sort that out for you. (Clearly, if you are NSC rather than PFB then it will come down from your sibling. But if you are PFB it will come from a neighbour, friend or cousin.).

I try really hard not to do that with clothes, whatdoiknow.

mumofthreekids · 07/12/2011 12:19

Acanthus really? You would buy a new bike as a present for DC2, even if DC1's old bike was still in perfectly good condition? Sorry, I'm all for treating kids fairly, but that just seems like a waste of money to me. I realise you would "save" money by not having to buy DC2 an alternative present, but still!

duckdodgers · 07/12/2011 12:24

None of my boys bikes have been in any fit state to hand down to their brothers so its never been an issue for me.

OrmIrian · 07/12/2011 12:25

Sounds like my situation a bit althiough in this case DS2 is the 'needy' one. I have always made a point of taking DD out with my one our own from time to time.

Acanthus · 07/12/2011 13:05

Yes of course. I would eBay the other one or sell it to a friend. Mind you, DS2 isn't daft - he's always chosen to have DS1's old one for free. But that's the point I think - he chose, it wasn't just expected of him.

Chundle · 07/12/2011 13:33

I tell my kids that fair does not always mean equal. So for example just because I spend 40quid a month on clubs for dd1 doesn't mean I give 40quid cash to dd2. Or when I buy dd2 socks doesn't mean I buy dd1 New socks. The sane goes for attention. I spend all day with dd2 during week and at weekends I have quality time watching dd1 play footy or at taekwondo

AntsMarching · 07/12/2011 18:13

Please make some time for DD. My DB was the needy one and I was left to my own devices. My parents always commented that I was such a good kid and I didn't want to not be the good kid. But I felt left out and I felt my achievements (in school) were never celebrated because my brother wasn't good at school (through his own choice, he was very bright, but easily distracted).

I know they didn't want to hurt his feelings/confidence but they hurt mine. I Was so happy when he left home and I finally got some attention.

Saying all that, I love both my DB and parents dearly. I know my parents were doing what they thought was right, but I hope not to do it to my children.

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