To believe that I treat my kids fairly?

[treatingkidsdifferently]

As long as you define fairly as 'in accordance with their individual needs' rather than 'exactly the same'?

Name changed for this.

I read a thread on here last week by a woman who felt her mum had always favoured her brother over her. It really hit a raw nerve in relation to how I parents my own kids, and I can't stop thinking about it now.

I have a 6yo very clingy DS and a 5yo very independent DD. My DS definitely gets more of my attention because he just seems to need it more.

For example - birthday parties. Unlike most of his class, DS does not like me to leave him at parties. He always asks me to stay, and last time I tried leaving him he apparently spent the whole time sitting by himself not joining in. I don't think this is fair on DS or the party hosts, so now I stay with him (although I always ask if he would be happy for me to go) and (as DH works on Saturdays) ask a friend to look after DD. DD on the other hand is fine about me leaving her, so I do, because it seems silly to stay when she hardly knows I am there, and I would also have to find childcare for DS.

That is only one example - in general, DS gets much more attention. I don't really believe I am favouring DS, as I would do the same for DD if she needed me to, but I can't help worrying that I am sowing the seeds for DD to post on here in 30 years' time about how her mum always put her brother first!!

So AIBU? And if so, WWYD to change things?

My mum tells me that I was a very independent little girl while DB was very lazy and would let her do everything for him. Consequently he got all the attention and I got zero (a gap I filled with boys and drink once I was 14 :( )

Do you think though, that your different behaviour to them is influencing their personalities? It could be a self fulfilling prophecy.

Personally I think you should stop pandering so much to ds and give dd more attention.

" From each according to his ability, to each according to his need".
Seems to sum it up pretty well.

" From each according to his ability, to each according to his need".
Seems to sum it up pretty well.

I totally agree, but it still leaves you with the problem of determining what the child's individual needs are.

eg: DD may not want her mum to stay with her at parties, but maybe she does need a bit more one-on-one time.
DS may want his mum to stay with him, but maybe what he needs is to learn some independence.

Just because a child isn't directly telling you what they want from you doesn't mean that all their needs are fulfilled. You as a parent still have to make a judgement call about what their actual NEEDS are.

I spend the same money on both of mine....but one child is far more demanding than the other....I activley hunt the more independant one down in an effort to avoid her feeling put out! She never wants me.