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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to give children up for adoption?

71 replies

tammygirl · 06/12/2011 06:43

Ages 3 & 8, they are healthy, beautiful and mostly quite reasonable. But I have run out of steam and feel as though I can't keep going.
I was always terrified by the prospect of parenting because I had awful childhood but DH said he'd do the parenting. So I had big career. But it didn't quite pan out that way. He has gone, so now I work and look after children. There is no family support.
I have done lots of courses and therapy to learn how to parent and teachers have told me my parenting is "superb" based on child's behaviour, but it's not really like that at all. I just try to get through each day with minimum fuss and pray that i can afford to put them through therapy when they need it.
I'm so tired of it, of them, of the relentlessness and honestly feel that if I could post them away it would be a massive relief. Right now just wishing I'd done it ages ago when they were younger and wouldn't remember me much.

OP posts:

Original poster

tammygirl · 08/12/2011 10:08

update from me - I have read all your posts and I so appreciate them all. You all sound lovely. thank you x

I took a day off work, had some non-busy time and saw GP. Have been reminded by dr and so many of you of importance of time out from work and children so am re-structuring my working week to allow time out. I need it and it'll only happen if I organise it so project TO has kicked off.

PosiesOfPoinsettia - thank you for reminder about art. I used to do a lot of art but had to keep packing it away from little hands and somewhere along the way gave up.

insertcleverusernamehere - i really can't afford domestic help but i am working on the cheaper option of letting things go a bit. one of my big problems has been channelling anxiety into chores when of course time out should be much higher priority.

chinam - your perspective as an adoptive mum was enlightening. i could picture my children with a different mum and her feeling like me and i realised they would be okay with me after all

RealityIsADistantMemory - you're right, it's because i care about the children so much that i have imagined they deserved better than me and would therefore be better off with new parents, but writing it out helped me to see they belong with me. No one can love them as much as I do even if there are times when it doesn't feel so great.

This has been a good dose of therapy and I have moved along from desperation to keeping it simple. Celebrated by taking the children to choose a special Christmas ornament each, just a little outing. They were breathless with excitement, spent ages picking through santas, fairies and soldiers and it felt like a little bit of magic.

Love and heartfelt gratitude. You have helped me more than you know xx

OP posts:

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 08/12/2011 10:23

TammyGirl - that's wonderful. I am so glad you are feeling a lot better about things. Don't be a stranger now - MN is great for a bit of company once the kids are in bed :)

KatAndKit · 08/12/2011 10:23

So pleased to hear you are feeling a bit better and have come up with ways to make your life more manageable.

ToldYaSo · 08/12/2011 10:25

you havent mentioned love and affection in any of your posts

do you love them? are you affectionate to them? Thats the biggest thing, anything else is just periphery

mummytime · 08/12/2011 10:43

That trips sounds so great. One of the most important things as a parent is sometimes to stop doing, and to just spend time with our kids doing simple things.
I hope you do find another counsellor to help you soon.

Original poster

tammygirl · 08/12/2011 10:47

ToldYaSo yes i love them and am affectionate. i have half-hour good night time with each in their bed, chat etc
Mr 3 likes a hug every 20mins or so, he would quite like to be superglued to my side. They both squish into my bed in the morning to tell me lots of important facts about buzz lightyear or goats eating flowers.

OP posts:

scaryteacher · 08/12/2011 11:59

I used to stress myself out about not being a perfect mother, until I realised I am the only Mum ds has and as long as he is loved, fed and reasonably clean, perfection doesn't matter.

It is OK to have off days and be a little snappy at times; it is fine to feel that you've had enough at times; we all feel like that.

All you can do is your best and be you; that's what they'll remember.

cottonreels · 08/12/2011 13:32

Am so glad for you that you're sorting things out [happy]

springydaffs · 08/12/2011 15:05

I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling but glad to hear that the support on here has galvanised you and things are picking up. Well done for posting OP.

Sometimes I think that if there has been significant abuse, esp during childhood, that therapy/counselling can be pretty much a constant in later life, particularly at points when something else bad happens. I have had a lot of therapy, big gap, more therapy. You have had some very difficult things happenthat we know about re abandonment: your vile ex, and now your counsellor. Imo I think you need to organise another counsellor - at least to work through your feelings at losing her (bereavement, guilt). I know it's hard to get started again with someone new but you know how good it is when it's a good fit and you're working through things with someone who genuinely cares. The contents of your posts suggests you still have stuff to work through re your mother. You're not a failure to go back to counselling - on the contrary, if you had a bad back that needed years of treatment one way or another, you wouldn't think it was bcause you were a failure: no difference with something like this imo. Just because it's invisible doesn't mean it is any the less damaging.

You sound great OP. Thinking of you xx

OneHandFlapping · 08/12/2011 15:20

" I had a meltdown soon after youngest was born and was hospitalised, he signed them over to foster care rather than look after them"

"My ex also put my daughter into foster care while I was in hospital"

Tammy and NotevenaChristmousie !

Tammy, you sound like a brilliant mum. I used to fantasise about leaving mine at the side of the M4 sometimes, and I'm not a single mum.

dizzyblonde · 08/12/2011 16:59

Fifteen years ago I could have been you even though I had ( and still have) a DH.He did nothing with the DC and I felt being on my own would be better as at least I would get some weekends off. I felt that my kids were missing out as I was too depressed to do anything exciting with them and have constantly worried that I have damaged them in some way.
Fast forward on and my DD is training as a paed nurse and told me she was talking to a Mum on the ward and telling her about our family holidays (camping) and meals etc. The Mum said it sounds idyllic and dd said to me 'it was' and that she had so many happy memories. It bought tears to my eyes.
The DS's seem to be happy too, and more than happy to join us for meals out etc even though they don't express themselves as well as dd.
My advice is to believe in yourself, you do the best for your DC's and in the end thay recognise that.
Also take care of yourself, there is only one of you and you are irreplaceable.

VivaLeBeaver · 08/12/2011 17:12

Tammy - you sound a fab mum you really do. Cuddles in the morning and 20 min bedtime routine where you chat is really good. Far, far more than my mother ever did with me. Hopefully it might also get a bit easier when your yongest starts school?

Gay40 · 08/12/2011 23:21

Keep passing the open windows x

MrsChristmasDB · 08/12/2011 23:25

Tammy

You sound wonderful. I wish I had had a Mum like you.

whattodoo · 09/12/2011 08:40

Tammy your posts are filled with love for your children. You sounded at the depths of despair to start with, but I was so pleased to see your latest post. try to get some more counselling, and, if possible, try to plan regular special times with the children - even a walk, half an hour spent on the floor playing ludo or snakes and ladders, crafting etc.
And do what you can to get out with your friends from time to time. Break the routine ocassionally and remind yourself of the joys of life.
Can you maybe plan a cheapie holiday for next Spring with a friend and their children? The papers will prob have some special promos in the NY for weekends away.
You sould like a wonderful Mum, doing it your way. give yourself credit where its due.

Original poster

tammygirl · 09/12/2011 10:46

notevenaChristmousie - are you on your own too? I wasn't sure from your post. I think I still can't quite believe the ex rejecting the children, I do know another mum who has been through/going through this, but I don't really connect with her. She is so eaten up with bitterness and I understand it but I don't want to waste all my energy on something I can't change.

You are right about churches, they can be so supportive. I rejected religion after being dragged up a Catholic with all the accompanying mind games, but I agree that family group-type things can be wonderfully supportive.

Notquitegrownup & springydaffs

About counselling, it's partly cost (I only seem to get poorer), the time factor (another thing to get to) and the starting all over BUT I will look into it again, even if only for a short-term top up.

After the sainted counsellor died, I wanted to pay tribute to her by making my life the best I could. I did do that for a long time, just seem to have run out of steam lately. Every now and then i get cross with her for dying on me.

whattodoo it is nice playing little games or going for adventures with the kids, isn't it. it's those times when i can't face another cupcake baking clean up or a craft tidy or playing the ugly sister again that leave me feeling guilty then defeated but even as i write i can see how silly it is. better to be grumpy then move right on.

toptramp sorry to hear your mum died recently, how sad for you at such a family time of year, too. thank you for your kindness especially when you already have so much to deal with. During the past couple of days your post kept popping into my mind and I wanted to get back on here to answer it.

this has been like a very big group therapy workout. i can't believe how nice you all are, kind words go a long way. xx

OP posts:

RainboweBrite · 09/12/2011 10:49

So happy things are starting to look up. Remember, take things 1 day at a. time and at the end of every day, reflect and find 1 positive thing.

springydaffs · 09/12/2011 11:39

A lot of counsellors offer fees on a sliding scale - you only need to ask. Also womens orgs offer counselling at very reduced rates (a friend paid £5ph for 3 years). I know it's something else to get to but imo it's a priority?

Glad you're feeling better Tammy

BettyBedlam · 09/12/2011 11:58

I'm so glad things are better now OP. You sound like a mother who cares - is it possible that you are trying so hard not to be your own mum that you are actually trying too hard and exhausting yourself? If I was a single mum who worked, I don't think I would have the physical or mental energy for cupcake baking, craft or playing the ugly sister! Far better you all snuggle up on the sofa in front of a DVD than stress yourself out with the craft box!

Re this bit 'After the sainted counsellor died, I wanted to pay tribute to her by making my life the best I could' - I think you could best honour her life by finding someone to continue where she left off.

GColdtimer · 09/12/2011 13:45

So glad you are feeling much better tammy. I smiled at you last post - we all feel like we just can't face the craft clear up or the pretend play sometimes. It's totally normal be be bored and exhausted with it all on occasion. A therapist friend once told me the greatest disservice you can do to your children is allow them to believe you are perfect because you are giving them an unrealistic role model. It's ok to sometimes say "no, I can't be arsed" (so to speak). Doesn't make you a bad parent, it makes you a normal one.

Your love for your children shines out from your posts.

VivaLeBeaver · 09/12/2011 15:00

Tammygirl - have you hear of Gingerbread? I've not ever had anything to do with them but read about them maybe on here once. They're some sort of lone parent support network and have meet ups, etc. Might be worth checking out.

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