To want to give children up for adoption?

[tammygirl]

Ages 3 & 8, they are healthy, beautiful and mostly quite reasonable. But I have run out of steam and feel as though I can't keep going.
I was always terrified by the prospect of parenting because I had awful childhood but DH said he'd do the parenting. So I had big career. But it didn't quite pan out that way. He has gone, so now I work and look after children. There is no family support.
I have done lots of courses and therapy to learn how to parent and teachers have told me my parenting is "superb" based on child's behaviour, but it's not really like that at all. I just try to get through each day with minimum fuss and pray that i can afford to put them through therapy when they need it.
I'm so tired of it, of them, of the relentlessness and honestly feel that if I could post them away it would be a massive relief. Right now just wishing I'd done it ages ago when they were younger and wouldn't remember me much.

My 2 dc are 3 and 8 too and its tough. No doubt about that.

You obv are depressed and, frankly, with good reason. A visit to the GP is def in order I think.

Could you arrange some respite for the dc? i.e. a CM 1 day at the weekend so you get some time on your own?

If you get SS involved they may be able to help you get some help with respite/emergency childcare?

Good luck x

I, as an adoptive mom, have the same thoughts and struggles that you do. Am I doing it right, will I scar them for life if things aren't as perfect as I imagine they should be...Your love for your children comes through in your posts. I think finding another therapist would be good for you based on the fact that you found it so helpful last time round. Take care of yourself.

You are doing amazingly, you should be so proud of yourself.

SOmeone has just mentioned 'Surestart'. I don't know if this will help (you will need to speak to your GP), but my DSis had a baby 8 weeks ago. When she found out she was PG, she was terrified. She already has two DC and didn't want anymore but she was 'persuaded' by family to keep the baby. Right up until the birth she knew it wasn't what she wanted. Throughout her PG she received incredible support and counselling through the NHS.

Now, she has a visit from (apologies I'm not sure exactly what it's called), 'Homestart' or something like that which is provided by the NHS. Someone comes to her house twice a week, just for an hour to talk, make her a cup of tea, do some ironing for her and just try to give her some respite.

It might not sound much, but I wonder if this might help a little? It's certainly helped my Dsis no end. She does have PND but that was almost to be expected and now she's on medication, she is feeling a lot better and is bonding with her baby really well.

I know that your situation is entirely different in relation to ages of children etc, but I wonder if there is a similar scheme where some help will be available to you?

Hugs and kisses to you. You will get through this. xx

At that age my daughters were frequently about to be left on the doorstep with their suitcase & a label saying "please look after this child" round their necks!!

I have suffered from post-natal depression & then clinical dep when I was going through my divorce, so I recognise your feelings acutely. Please go & talk to your GP, it seems such a shame that counselling was working and your poor therapist was taken from you. I would say that really it is the first thing to go and get re-started. My GP said it is often the career women who crash the worst as we are used to being in control and successful (whatever that means) and have HUGE self esteem issues and sense of failure when it doesn't all go to plan. Certainly was with me.

Secondly please don't feel you can't ask your friends for help, they probably have no idea that you are struggling like this, and would be very sad to think you didn't ask for some help with time off. They may well all be busy as are you but I'd certainly make the time for a fellow mum, what goes around comes around. You're down at the mo' they can help, then in future maybe you can help, but no-one keeps tabs really.

Go easy on yourself, it's bloody tough being a single mum, you are doing a good job, honestly!!

adding my voice to the chorus, you, and your children, sound bloody lovely. Hope you get the support you need.

Would also endorse Homestart, my Mum has volunteered with them for some time and helps out all kinds of families, from people right on the edge to others who need a natter and a hoover whipping round.

My ex also put my daughter into foster care while I was in hospital. I really feel for you.

What is your money situation like? Can you afford an evening or a night off? Look at the direct.gov website, as some childminders do overnights, also look at sitters as they do daytime/ weekend childcare too. It's worth compromising on other things for this very real necessity of YOUR mental health.

Do you have a faith? I have had the most practical help from my church, once I started opening up about my difficulties, I feel guilty in not returning favours, but never once has returning a favour been part of the deal - I have friends who want to see DD and I thriving.

Just getting through the day is not a bad thing.

I only have one child OP, and I find it very hard at times. I really hope you can get some support and have some time for yourself. Lots of hugs and kisses xxxxx

You sound like you're doing everything right OP and making a bloody good job of a hard situation. I hope you get some help from your GP and good luck!

I just want to acknowledge you for your courage and honesty in posting.

We all get times when we don't know if we can make the next step.
When those times become all the time you need extra support.

You clearly love your DCs very much and want what's best for them.
What about you?
What's best for you?
You need to have some 'me' time so that you can just 'be' rather than always doing.

Well done for speaking out.

Tammygirl you are doing really well and you are NOT your mother!

I could kick your kids father up the arse!! Wanker.

Definitely get more support - from anywhere & anyone you can.

If you were my friend IRL or even just the mother of one of my childrens school friends, I'd happily have yours over to play & not be at all bothered by 'return' playdates not happening! I organise having kids over to play because they enjoy it and/or to help people out - I never expect a return invitation.

Friends that don't have kids can be a huge support too - often they would enjoy having your kids (or at least one of them at a time) & spending sometime alone with them, but these days people are probably less inclined to offer as it's sometimes seen as 'not the done thing/a bit weird' - it wouldn't hurt to ask outright or drop some very unsubtle hints!!

Obviously money is a bit tight for you (welcome to that club!!) but there are places that will help you that don't cost anything surestart/homestart etc and if you talk to your eldests school you may be able to use their afterschool clubs etc free (if they are run by the school).

Do not be bashful about seeking and accepting help & find a new therapist x

Right, first thing, your children sound wonderful - much better balanced than my two (I wish someone would describe my parenting as superb!)! All of us worry that we'll repeat our parents mistakes - and hopefully all of us learn from our parent mistakes and make better parents from that.

Do, do DO ask for help.What you are managing, week in, week out, is exhausting, and you need to find some breaks. Homestart, as recommended by others are fab for this sort of thing; more therapy sounds like a great idea too. And remember that children don't remember everything - focusing on delivering "good enough" parenting - rather than some mythical perfection - is important imo. None of us are perfect parents.

DH's mother talks about working out where she was going to leave DH when he was a baby & she couldn't cope. She had it all figured out - good spot where 'nice' people would find him, what time of day etc. She is without doubt the best parent I know. I think it is those mothers who struggle with parenting - who have to really work at it - who come out having done the most amazing job, because they really think everything through.

Are you solvent? Do you have hobbies? Ever tried an art class to immerse yourself in?

I want to echo what a few people have said about reciprocation. I often have DD1's best friend over after school. I do it because she is a lovely girl and they enjoy spending time together and its nice that she doesn't have to go to after school club every day. I never expect it to be reciprocated because her parents both work full time. I am sure some of the school mum's would feel the same. Do you know any of the school mum's? If not,then perhaps talk to the teacher about who might be a good person to ask - they often have a good handle on things.

You also sound like you have some great friends. Don't be afraid to call on them. They probably don't realise how desparate you are as I am sure you look like you are coping to the outside world. Most decent people genuniely want to help out and don't expect anything in return.

And to repeat what a few of us have said, you are not your Mother. You sound lovely and your children are lucky to have you.

Please don't feel you can't take your friends offers for hep, playdates etc. I'm a SAHM and would gladly help my friends with their children after school etc, especially when they are working. I'm sure they would be happy to help given your circumstances.

This is so desperatley sad. My heart goes out to you but especially to your DCs.

What your DCs need is you, you don't need to be perfect just good enough.

I haven't read all replies yet, hope you get some practical suggestions. Adoption is not the way forward.

You sound like a really good and loving mum. Your love and care for them shine through your posts.

I am not surprised you are struggling! It seems you have had a rotten few years! It must have been such a shock for you when your husband chose to abandon your two children when you needed him the most, both as a father and a partner. What a horrible thing to experience!

It seems you need to try and get more help, and plan your life in a way that is less stressful for you.

your kids sound lovely, promise us you will get some help and please PLEASE go back to therapy, as you see it really helps

I am pleased your last post said "Bottom line is I need to take some deep breaths and figure out some more support. Clearly"

right on XXXXXXX

my Dcs are 16, 13 & 12 now. I'm a single parent and had very little help when they were younger, although my XPs mum and dad are fabulous and would take them for weekends on occasion. If I needed to regroup in periods of having sole responsibility for the Dcs without a break, I would take a day off of work, go for a swim, have a massage, get my hair cut, go to a book shop or a film on my own and have an absolutely wonderful time. even if you do that once a month you are having 'me' time - you do not have to parent 24/7.

to reiterate - you sound brilliant! we all have time at the bottom of the roller-coaster. your kids sound lovely and your ex sounds like an absolute fucking bastard.

Tammygirl, what a wonderful parent you are for speaking out on the challenges of working and parenting. This is a real challenge to those with partners never mind single parents.
I too have suffered from depression and found myself getting overwhelmed by the little things. As such I have tried to make my life as easy as possible but removing what stresses I can. This free's me up to enjoy the time with my DS and and not have to try and squeeze him into my life. This is an area that really causes me stress.
I have someone who comes in once a week for two hours and gives the house a once over.
I asked a neighbour who they use for babysitters and have organised one , for one night a month. I got to the cinema with a friend.
You are a good mother and need to remeber that ! Don't be shy about asking for help from firends or an exchange of favours. As a parent we all need help and everyone needs a dig out now and again!
Hugs and kisses !

Tammy, the fact that you have posted on here shows what a lovely caring mum you are.
I am so sorry you are feeling like this. It will get better. I think every parent feels like you do at some stage in their children's lives (at the moment my already adopted dd is walking on very thin ice ).
You haven't said where you live but I'm sure there are loads of MNs who would be willing to help you out. Do you have any MN meet ups near you. The ones I go to are great, everyone is happy to listen and help each other out. Have you spoken to your doctor about how you feel?.

Tammy, just wanted to add my support for you too. Depression is a heavy burden with children, especially as a single parent, and as others have said 3 and 8 is still very young, in the really challenging ages.

It must have been very hard to lose your therapist that way - how sad for her/him, and for you too - but please do explore getting in some new support for yourself, as others have suggested, either in the form of pampering, a cleaner, or going back to counselling - or ideally all 3. Your therapist wouldn't have begrudged supporting you whilst dealing with his/her own issues. Counsellors have to have someone to support them and have to go into therapy themselves: they understand better than anyone the importance of having someone to listen and to validate how you feel.

Agree with all of the posters above: you sound like a lovely mum and you and your kids deserve to have you properly looked after too, so that you can keep on going on this most important and most difficult of jobs. Oh and keep on posting on MN. I know that it saved my sanity . . .

When you think about adoption, do you think that would be best for hem or for you, or for all.
if best for them, what is it you think they are missing:attention, playfulness, cuddles, hot meal...? Was just thinking if you could pinpoint what you think is missing, you could find a way to fake it or get help with that aspect iykwim. Sometimes when we feel depressed we think globally. This is shit +That's shit = everything's shit. Could you make a list (it'll help you focus) of what's good about your life and your children's life now, and a what I'd like to change list. It'll help get things into perspective and put your energy into the right places
I'm sure you're doing a fab job. Your children sound lovely.

You have had lots of support and good ideas on this thread, so I hope this will be of some comfort and help to you.
I am not sure you are depressed. I would say you are having a normal reaction to the pressure and stress of being on call 24/7, without any respite. You and your children sound wonderful to me, and I would find it difficult to believe that we don't all think about adoption or boarding school from time to time.
I really believe that if you find a way to schedule some time for yourself, things will start to look brighter. Take care.