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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel angry at my dying mother for not having a faith?

40 replies

fber · 05/12/2011 22:52

My mother is an Atheist. A very opinionated Atheist at that. I was brought up in the same way, and I have no faith in any God. My mother hates religion of any kind.

I'm angry at her. She's in a hospice full of people who seem unafraid to die, who are surrounded by families who, whilst sad at their impending loss, are confident that their loved one is going on to heaven.

I do not have this belief and I want it very badly. I want it because I see my mother very afraid to die, and she is angry about unfinished business, regrets, and other stuff.

I feel that by forcing her atheism on me, her child, I am now subjected to watching her suffering, with nothing to comfort me. and nothing to comfort her.

I now 'want' to believe, but I can't. I am 'brainwashed' not to believe in god, in just the same way as my mother believed religious people are brainwashed into it. Anyway, I'm ranting and getting off the point. Am I being unreasonable, to be angry with her?

OP posts:

ChaosTrulyReigns · 05/12/2011 22:55

Could you just push the anger slightly aside for a little while, and just concentrate on being a comfort and a support fro her at the moment?

Perhaps the time for analysis about this is not now?

I'm sorry that you are suffering through this, and for your mother's pain.

MitziKinsky · 05/12/2011 22:57

YANBU to be angry with you mother, or about a number of things at this time. It must be really hard for you.

animula · 05/12/2011 22:59

Sweetheart - I'm sorry you and your mother are feeling this way.

Could it be that the anger you're feeling really is not really about atheism but rather a. picking up on her anger and b. your fear and sadness at losing your mother?

Is there a grief or bereavement counsellor that you might be able to see and talk about this with?

MitziKinsky · 05/12/2011 22:59

IMO "belief" isn't something that happens in your head, it's a feeling.

WorraLiberty · 05/12/2011 23:00

She's in a hospice full of people who seem unafraid to die, who are surrounded by families who, whilst sad at their impending loss, are confident that their loved one is going on to heaven

Well these things can be very deceptive

Imo being of any kind of faith doesn't make you any less afraid of death. For a start, that person will have faith in their religion but they still won't know it as fact.

My Mum was Catholic and just as afraid of death as anyone else.

When she died, her faith may not have been of any use to her but it was to my Dad who was left behind. He found the church a great comfort.

reelingintheyears · 05/12/2011 23:01

You have to comfort her with your love and the love she gave you as a child and growing up to make you the woman you are now.
Talk with her about your childhood and your life,ask her about your GPs and their lives.
Talk about her own Childhood.

There is so much to know.
My Mum is not well just now and she tells me all the 'old' stuff over and over.
And i'm so glad she wants to.

You are not brainwashed into not believing,you are an adult who can make her own choices.
I am an Atheist and my DC are too as far as i know.

Original poster

fber · 05/12/2011 23:01

I'd like to add that I don't express how I'm feeling to her. Although I have found myself 'hinting' that her obsolutist views may not necessarily be true (in an effort to ease her fear of death) :(

OP posts:

cheeseandmarmitesandwich · 05/12/2011 23:02

I'm so sorry about your mum. YANBU to be angry that she is dying. It is shit. She is NBU to be angry either.

For what it's worth, I am an atheist, my mum was very religious. When she was dying all the religious stuff she came out with really annoyed me. So I suspect even if she wasn't an atheist you would find some way to be angry with the situation.

She died 11 years ago this christmas. I am still an atheist but I still feel she is somehow with me in some way, I can't explain it. And I find peace in the fact she is no longer suffering.

Have a very un-mumsnet . I'm sorry.

cheeseandmarmitesandwich · 05/12/2011 23:02

I'm so sorry about your mum. YANBU to be angry that she is dying. It is shit. She is NBU to be angry either.

She died 11 years ago this christmas. I am still an atheist but I still feel she is somehow with me in some way, I can't explain it. And I find peace in the fact she is no longer suffering.

Have a very un-mumsnet . I'm sorry.

WorraLiberty · 05/12/2011 23:03

Sorry, so what I meant was....

Even if your Mum was religious, it would probably be of little comfort to you if you're not religious...and your Mum would probably still be scared of death because being religious does not necessarily take that fear away.

I'm sorry for your situation though and hope your Mum is at least comfortable?

Moln · 05/12/2011 23:04

what do you want to believe in? The after life? Do you want a religion of some sorts

You wand your mother are angry she's dying, people sometime are, usually when there are unresolved situation about.

I think it's important that you try somehow to make it less frightening for your mother right now, it doesn't need to be beause of god, but it can be a reflection of wht her life has been and achieved. If you can help her in this wat it'll make your handling of her dying easier for you. If she dies and you are angry at her, you'l carry that with you

shesparkles · 05/12/2011 23:04

I'm so sorry you're having to face losing your mum, I was in your position 2 years ago.

Faith can be a funny thing, my dad has totally turned to his, and to his church, whereas with what happened to my mum, I lost any faith I had.

I hope you can find some peace x

reelingintheyears · 05/12/2011 23:04

I am not afraid of death,only the dying.

Iwould like it to be quick.

And lots of singing at my funeral.

troisgarcons · 05/12/2011 23:05

I think I have the sensible tack on this.

God, or what ever you choose to call your moment of enlightenment, doesnt come whilst you are angry.Seen it several times (friends with cancer, and in a hospice, angry, so angry at their life ending shortly) .... they are too angry to die. As bizarre as that sounds.

There comes a moment of spiritual enlightenment and the anger goes. When that happens, people are ready to pass over.

I'm always cautious of passing my own beliefs - but my father was an atheist.... he passed over in the love we all had for him.

I believe - my belief only - that you make your peace with your maker/God/your conscience and you are ready to let go of this world.

does that make sense??

stinkingbishop · 05/12/2011 23:07

Bless bless BLESS you. Can you please get a RL person to hold your hand in the hospice? If you're strong, you'll make your Mum so.

I held my GPs' hands as they died, FWIW, and they were bloomin' national Church office bearers and believed with all their hearts...but were still (excuse my French) sh*tting bricks, as you would.

Is she in pain? If she's not (and she shouldn't be, permission to strop to ensure it's managed) echo sentiments above...just sit with a voice recorder and get everything out of her, lie down beside her as she does it, it'll help you both.

Be strong my sweet. Horrendous times x

ElectricSoftParade · 05/12/2011 23:08

Just sending random comfort thoughts your way. It is a hideous time for you all.

perfumedlife · 05/12/2011 23:08

My aunt is a 93 year old staunch Catholic and is terrified of death I have pondered what comfort/use her faith is if she isn't convinced she will meet her God on death. Faith is clearly not always the comfort we imagined it to be.

Of course you are angry. I am so sorry x

squeakytoy · 05/12/2011 23:09

You are angry with what is happening, and that is understandable, because you want your mum to be comfortable and at peace.

You are an adult now, and you can make your own choices about religion. It is possible to not believe in a god, but to believe that there is something beyond death. Nobody really knows for sure what there is, but watching your parent die is a horrible thing that does bring out a lot of emotions, and anger is one of the most common.

dancingmustard · 05/12/2011 23:10

My mam was an atheist and she died last year.
She died peacefully in a hospice and considering she was in terrible pain for years it was a relief in hindsight.
But at the time I felt numb and couldn't thing straight.
Give yourself some time to think OP times like these are as hard as they get in life.
Wishing you well and your mam no suffering in her final journey.

Original poster

fber · 05/12/2011 23:12

That makes sense to me. She is almost too angry to die. I cannot handle that anger and would probably like someone else (God?) to take the heat off me. She is dissecting every wrong that has been done to her, every failed relationship, everything. She is very bitter, it is awful to witness. I wanted to reminisce about nice things (there were not many, actually, life has been hard, she says)

Come on God, throw me a rope :(

OP posts:

birdinatent · 05/12/2011 23:14

my mum has just died in a hospice, and she was a jehovas witness, and therefore had great faith that she would live again (not actually go to heaven cos they dont believe that, wont bore you with the details),

she was still pretty scared of dying, it didnt help with that at all, and she fought it to the end, refusing to get out of her chair for the last 10 days, as she thought if she laid in her bed that would be it ( as it was, she was right )
I on the other hand do not have any faith, I think that when you die, thats it, nothing, oblivion, the end, and strangely I find that quite comforting. Whats to be frightened of in nothingness, no worry about ending up in hell or purgatory, just going to sleep and not waking up.
I think you are angry because this is a horrible thing to be going through, try not to blame your mum, and big hugs for what you are coping with x

whatdoiknowanyway · 05/12/2011 23:14

Dear Fber
Don't blame it on your mother's lack of faith.
My father was a catholic until the very end. He was bitter, full of unfinished business, regrets and other stuff. He died last Christmas.

I don't believe in any god but I do believe in the innate goodness of others. I believe we can live forever in the memories of those whose lives we have touched. What we do in our own life shapes the world for those who come after and that is my version of life after death.

Your mother seems to have had a lot of hate, so did my father yet he was very religious. I think it's more to do with the personality than the beliefs.

You are not unreasonable to be angry, I felt so much frustration and anger towards my father who focused on the negatives and closed his eyes to the many wonderful things around him. I heard so many stories about people who treated him badly in his early life yet hardly a word about almost 50 years of life with my mum who was beautiful, intelligent and incredibly loyal and supportive of a very difficult man.

I do feel for you. It's such a difficult time but you can believe. It doesn't have to be organised religion, just the guidelines you have developed for yourself to live your own life by. I believe. I believe there is no god, i believe in my family, my community, the work I do, the love I am given and give. Sorry if this sounds odd, I'm not sure how to phrase it all but your unhappiness struck a chord with me. I've been in a very similar place - but it had nothing to do with religion, just my father's own troubled personality.

My mum died several years ago. She will live for ever in her children, their children, the many children she taught and the influence all of them will have on the world around them.

I'm so sorry you are unhappy.

stinkingbishop · 05/12/2011 23:16

YOU were/are a nice thing...I really don't know what to say, apart from lots of virtual love coming to you, and please don't think belief would make it easier x

BlissfulMistletoe · 05/12/2011 23:17

there are ways to help you deal with the impending death of your mum.

my uncle was an atheist, but he wanted some thing with him. So in his coffin there are photo's bottle of wiskey, pack of cigarettes ect all things that comforted him.

i am so sorry you are going through this

animula · 05/12/2011 23:19

Oh dear, fber. That sounds incredibly hard to listen to. Was she like that when she was fit and healthy? Or is it the imminence of death that has brought this feeling of disappointment and regret to the fore?

You sound as though you are doing all you can - listening and trying to find good things to say to help her feel better about her life. I'm sure you just being there, comforting, and listening is having an effect. And the fact that you are there says to me that her life has had good things - you for example. A loving child? Who has survived to adulthood, and is a good, caring person? I'd take some comfort and joy in that. And I'm sure your mother must do, too.

But being there, listening, caring, must be taking its toll on you a bit.

Would it help you to spend the time between the hospital and home thinking of small, happy thoughts of your time together?

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