to feel angry at my dying mother for not having a faith?

[fber]

My mother is an Atheist. A very opinionated Atheist at that. I was brought up in the same way, and I have no faith in any God. My mother hates religion of any kind.

I'm angry at her. She's in a hospice full of people who seem unafraid to die, who are surrounded by families who, whilst sad at their impending loss, are confident that their loved one is going on to heaven.

I do not have this belief and I want it very badly. I want it because I see my mother very afraid to die, and she is angry about unfinished business, regrets, and other stuff.

I feel that by forcing her atheism on me, her child, I am now subjected to watching her suffering, with nothing to comfort me. and nothing to comfort her.

I now 'want' to believe, but I can't. I am 'brainwashed' not to believe in god, in just the same way as my mother believed religious people are brainwashed into it. Anyway, I'm ranting and getting off the point. Am I being unreasonable, to be angry with her?

Have you tried the chapel at the hospice?
Hospice staff are excellent they might be able to offer you some sound/practical/religious advice.

I am so sorry that your Mother is dying and that you are so unhappy about faith....I have faith but in "something else"....it sounds as though you are beginning to have a faith already to me...God is there in many forms. Not only as a man with a white beard who lives in the sky!

Do you ever feel anything when you're in a place of worship? By that I mean church, stonehenge, temple....sacred grove....ancient woodland? ...if you've ever felt awed in a Cathedral or Church...or at nature... then that is feeling something of God...

As someone else said...we do go on....example...I was ill last week and did a crtain something to help myself....DH asked how knw to to do this and I anwered that my Dad told me....which he did..many years ago when he was still alive...but he is still with me in the knowledge and the customs and philosophies which he gave to me.

I hope things improve for you soon. x

All I know is, I died, twice, quite recently, and there wasn't anything. No choirs, no bright light, no tunnel, nothing... but equally, there was no fire and brimstone, no sulphur, no "Final Judgement". Just nothing.
I'm not particularly religious, nor am I quite an Atheist but I think "To live in the hearts of those we leave behind, is not to die" is about right.
The thing with a "religious death" is that there is the ever present threat of Damnation of some kind, so in a way, perhaps just going to peaceful rest, without that threat hanging over one, is a better thing.

Oh honey. So sorry you have all this to go through.

I am quite devoutly religious in my own way, but I think fear of the unknown and grief come to us all.

I will keep you and your mum in my thoughts. I can pray for you if you'd like but won't if you'd rather I didn't.

You feel what you feel. You're not unreasonable to feel anything.

So sorry about your mum.

I'm very atheist, and when I have moments of terror about death I find these two ways of thinking about it a comfort:-

1. I think it is like the time before we are born - somehow thinking of it like this is less scary and we mind less about "not being" in the past as opposed to the future.

1. The molecules/energy that made that person remain part of the universe and part of nature - Philip Pullman puts this much more poetically at the end of the Dark Materials Trilogy.

Sorry again for what you, your mum and your family must be going through.

Of stardust we are made, to star dust we will on day return.
I have no faith, no god and no heaven. It's really hard sometimes.
I too feel guilty that my DDs ver more to my side of the fence than they do their quietly believing Father's.
(Like the OP we are both bound by the beliefs we grew up with).
Sadly, I don't think everyone goes to their death peacefully and willingly, but that should not destroy our memories or our love. We do not fail if we are afraid to die. It is the price we pay for consciousness.
UANBU to be angry. One day soon my parents will die and I will be angry too. Just as I am angry that DD2 never met her Granny (My lovely late DMIL).
Hugs OP, don't be afraid to be angry, but find a space for positive memories too!
I can't send you and your mum my prayers, but I would if I could.

Really feel for you, I've sat with three relatives as they've died, one of whom had to apologise to her son and ex DiL before she was able to give in

Can I encourage you to pray? If there is no god, all you've done is think through what's going on

And as there is a God, he will hear you! He doesn't care when his child comes to talk to him that they've never done so before, he welcomes and comforts.

I know God is far more forgiving than we humans are. Heaven is eternal life with God, if you decide right at the last minute you belief and want to be with him, then he's welcoming.

Hell is just a word not a reality, it's an absence of God and does not exsist in the way we fear

Your priority now is to look after yourself so you can help your mum. Ask the staff at the hospice for everything you need

Hugs

Religious people are just better at hiding their fear. Just be there to comfort her and be with her, That is the most important thing for her time on this earth.
No-one knows what is out there. More likely nothing, but its the HERE and NOW that is IMPORTANT, not something that is imagined or otherwise.

Hold her each and every day. I wish I could have for my own mum

In some ways YABU; she's had her beliefs that's she's held onto thru her life: if she dies without faith it's her choice, whether it makes her furious or not.

My mother admitted that at midnight on 4/12 she thought 'sod it' & opened a bottle of fizzy just to mark my late dad's b day, but you can be sure that my mother will go out with a big, big no worry about the next life BANG

Is she on morphine? I ask as when my mum was dying she was heavily dosed up on morphine in the final days. She had moments of lucidity and talking about the good times, but a lot of the time she was also quite angry, and said some quite mean things not in keeping with her personality at all (at one point she really upset my brother). The point is, it isn't her talking, it's the drugs and/or the situation. But your real mum is still in there.

Is she on morphine? I ask as when my mum was dying she was heavily dosed up on morphine in the final days. She had moments of lucidity and talking about the good times, but a lot of the time she was also quite angry, and said some quite mean things not in keeping with her personality at all (at one point she really upset my brother). The point is, it isn't her talking, it's the drugs and/or the situation. But your real mum is still in there.

As a Christian I would say that ime most Christians too are afraid of dying. I wouldn't necessarily even see that as a sign of a weak faith: imo the instinct to live is something we have been created with, something we are meant to have. But it can make it very hard to face the end of life.

Lots of hugs and sympathy.

YAB very sillly.

Plenty of people find faith, or change faith, or lose faith, as they grow up. If you are a person who has given time and thought to the matter then your faith or lack thereof is your own issue, not your mother's.

It's understandable to wish you could believe in something, but seeing as you don't think it is true, what good would it really do?

I feel so sad and sorry for you, going through this. I hope you and your mother get strenght from somewhere, where ever it may be from.

Fber, my brother died three years ago. He had no faith, and neither do I or my other brother. At times I wished we did, because it might have been comforting to think that there was some lovely place he was going to. But the fact is I don't believe that and neither did he. What better place could there possibly be than here on earth with all the people he loves and who loved him?My own personal experience was that him dying made me less likely to believe in a god, as he was 34 and had an incredible life and future ahead of him.

If you feel differently - that watching your mother die and having the pain and anger that accompanies this (both completely normal btw) makes you want to turn to a god then you can, if that is what you want. There is nothing to stop you exploring faith and discovering what it's all about. But you can't make your mother do the same, and you can't make her believe something in the face of death that she doesn't believe. All you can do is be there with her and hear her out, as painful and difficult as that is.

I am so sorry you are going through this terrible time and please be gentle with yourself.