To expect my dp to have made some attempt at dinner when working from home

[Soups]

Really? During one of his many trips to make coffee, or lunch, or get a snack, could he not have thought about dinner? I wasn't expecting to get in from work to a 3 course meal cooked from scratch. Maybe take some sausages, or meatballs out of the freezer, or put some jacket spuds in the oven and got out one of the home made frozen curries or chillies for a topping. At the very least turned on the FRIGGIN OVEN. Boiled the kettle to cook pasta? Anything?

Do you know what? It took me frigging 60 seconds to think, I know, my kids can have omelette and salad. I'll have that Qourn ready meal. Within 10 mins I'd put the oven on, cracked eggs into the pan, mixed them, took the grated cheese out the fridge and put on top, get pre-cut salad out the fridge, fold the omelette, out it all on two plates, put my ready meal into the oven.

Oh I've been talking to him, having the odd hissy fit, sitting back and letting him get on with it, ever since I went back to work. He does cook and "try" to organize sometimes. I suppose it's tiring always having to be the one to purposefully not do it, remind him, asking pointed questions ... what are we having for dinner? what shall we eat this week? shall we do a menu this week? Sit there starving at 7pm with the kids pleading for food, waiting for him to ask about food, then me have to say what did you plan? Then wait for the oven to warm up, then the food to cook.

It was one of those days when I sat back to see what happened and let him learn from his mistakes ;) It's also one of those days I just go FFS, no one ever had to train me. I don't want to train an adult to do the bliddy obvious. You know what time you'll be hungry, you know what time your kids will be hungry, you work backwards. I forced him to do the shopping this weekend by purposely not doing it, we went through the contents of the freezer, I made him participate in thinking through what else we needed. I know he does a lot more than many and he's is well meaning, but I'm very tired of it and need to vent.

Pretty much all our options for tomorrow involve getting something out to defrost whilst we're out. I should probably not do it again, sent him a text in the afternoon asking if he got anything out. Then take the kids out to dinner when I get them from after school club. Yeah, I know that's childish, I should probably "ask" him.

We both have that magical mobile phone. I want for one Friggin time to call me up and ask me what I want for dinner.

Sorry I want him to call me up. Bad typing.

Good grief! The SHMS usual whine that they are expected to have a meal on the table when DH comes in and DH doesnt do his 50%..... you they've been MN-ing working with toddlers all day and not lazing about on that half arsed computery worky stuff DH has when hes working from home.

Can't have it both ways ladies.

Did you ask him if he'd thought about dinner? I often cook dinner when I work from home, but I wouldn't do it without discussing it with DP in case she already had something planned, or knew of sometihng that needed using up, or not used 'cos it was needed another day.

By acknowledging that cooking good meals for you and the kids only takes 10minutes, you're pretty much proving that the meal cooking didn't need to be done, so I'm afraid YABU - unless DP would've just told you to bog off if you'd mentioned dinner.

I think if there are no kids in the house, then it would be fair enough to behave like that and do without dinner because it makes a point... but when there are children who need to be fed, it is rather silly that two adults have no organisation and plans made, simply because they both assume the other will sort it out.

I am not saying either of you are to blame, but it is something that could so easily be avoided by a very short conversation.

He is just as much at fault, because surely the kids will have asked what was for tea/dinner. If he didnt know, then he should have thought "oh I should ring Soups really and see if there is anything I should do"... and equally, because you know what he is like, you should have thought "ah, better ring the husband and tell him to get the stew out of the freezer/put the oven on"...

It really does make life run a lot more smoothly...

FredFredGeorge no I didn't ask if he'd thought about dinner. That's kinda my point, it's always me who asks. We both work full time, he never asks me if I've thought about dinner, he never asks me what I want, what the kids want, do you fancy .... , he never thinks about what to use up, or come up with suggestions. It's always a one side thing that I have to initiate, there is no reason why I should know more about the contents of the fridge or freezer than him. He's perfectly capable of looking in the freezer and sending me a text, but he never does. My point about being able to get the kids fed quickly was to point out that I had no expectations about him spending hours in the kitchen instead of working, but by the early evening he could have started something, even if it was putting the kettle on, sending me a text? Rather than wait for me to walk in the door.

squeakytoy but I do have organization. I'm perfectly capable of making my life run smoothly. My family are fed very well on the whole My frustration is that he doesn't see to have internalized that feeding the family is as much for him to organize as me. On this occasion I did sit back and expect him to have done something, yes. I seem to be expected to do 95% the rest of the time. He's perfectly capable of calling me up and asking. It's frustrating when organizing is one sided and I'll bliddy vent my frustration :)

I don't let my children miss meals to prove a point , I don't miss meals myself, I'd never do that I came home and whisked up some food in next to no time for them. I'm tired of having to remind him about things like this because "because of what he is like". How nice for him that he has me to mentally pick up after him, who does it for me? Before you ask I do flat pack, technology, furniture, decorating and gardening ;)

troisgarcons what are you talking about?

"Good grief! The SHMS usual whine that they are expected to have a meal on the table when DH comes in and DH doesnt do his 50%..... you they've been MN-ing working with toddlers all day and not lazing about on that half arsed computery worky stuff DH has when hes working from home.

Can't have it both ways ladies."

My (male) DP is more than capable of taking care of 4yo DNephew and completing basic household tasks while he works from home. It means that DN coming to visit isn't dependant on one of us taking annual leave at short notice - SIL also has 6yo DNiece with Autism to care for so DNephew's visits fit to her timetable not ours.

Ownership of a penis does not render one incapable of putting laundry in the machine

Does ownership of a vagina make a quorn ready meal acceptable fare, or a really crap cheese omelette a decent dinner for hungry children?

I am male and would do a hell of a lot better than that! Whining about her husband? Pots, kettles, black...

Talk to each other.

larrygrylls in this case ownership of a vagina meant that the family were fed in 10 minutes with a perfectly acceptable meal.

Soups OH and his family need food for sustenance around the same time each day. The fact that this sneaks up on him every day would annoy me too.

I work from home and would go ballistic if DH suggested I use my work time to think about dinner.

DH was WORKING. If he'd been working somewhere that wasn't your house, you wouldn't expect him to make dinner. Yes, he might have time to grab a cup of tea, but if he's like my DH he has to drop everything if he has a phone call or urgent email come in.

My DH sometimes works at home. In the morning we discuss dinner. Either I make it (the default as DH is working till 6pm) or if DH does not expect his day to be busy and thinks he can fit it in he might do some preparation during the day. He wouldn't spontaneously decide to do something in case it clashed with plans I'd already made with dinner or in case it happened to be the day that the children had after school activities that meant we would be running around like headless chickens after school and none of us being about for normal dinner time.

But basically we discuss it - 2 adults assuming that the other one will sort something is a bit pathetic.

If Dh was at the workplace I'd expect him to pick up something on the way home if needs be - taking a pound of mince from the freezer is the equivalent, in my view, or ring OP to see if she had it in hand. It's no biggie surely, just a bit of forethought. Everyone gets hungry in the evening, but it's only kids surely who expect the dinner fairy to sort it!

DH was WORKING. If he'd been working somewhere that wasn't your house, you wouldn't expect him to make dinner.

But... he doesn't have any commuting time, so even if travel time was only 10 mins up the road that is, as the OP proved, enough time to sort out a meal.

YANBU, that would drive me insane too.

It seems to me that you are making a big deal out of cooking meals. It really takes little time and effort. Perhaps he's good at other stuff and you are better at organising the meals? I do 100% of meal planning, shopping and cooking but I'm better at it. Dh is good at other stuff

Not read whole thread but I do think you are being a bit unreasonable based on my experiences of working form home.

I worked from home full time for a year and it really got on my nerves how because I was actually at home I was expected to get all household things done as well as working - because I was there. Truth is I was exceptionally busy almost all the time and actually rarely even had time to grab any lunch but my husband was constantly asking could I just do this or nip out and get that or prepare the other "as you are at home" and I really don't think he realised that working from home was actually working.

I didn't have the commute he had either side of my working hours, but I did have the childrens nursery pick-ups and drop-offs instead so our days were fairly "equal" if you want to compare it that way.

Sounds liek you think he is dossing while working from home, maybe he is, maybe he isn't, but not everyone does.

What's wrong with a cheese omelette?

Larry, I think we're making the same point from different angles - gender should have no bearing on ability to either communicate or perform household tasks.

If DP is working from home, he finishes at half past five. I also finish at half past five but have commuting time, as MissTapestry pointed out. Therefore, he is home first and responsible for dinner. He willingly takes 5 minutes while the kettle boils to hang washing on the line, or put meat and vegetables in a casserole dish in the oven, or load the dishwasher.

Oh, and an omelette with vegetables is a very healthy dinner - would a frozen pizza be more of a "meal"?

YANBU. It's the actual thinking of dinner that's the problem, my DH is the same. I don't want to have to be the one everyday saying "what shall we have for dinner?" prompting, it should be automatic. It's like that now, for example last night we were cleaning as parents are coming, I was the one who stopped and made dinner. It wouldn't even cross his mind to think about it. Bizarre.

I think there is usually one person in the house that takes responsibility for food/cooking - not necessarily doing it all, but organising it. If it's annoying you (& I can see why it does) then why not try something different - why not try taking it month & month about to be responsible for shopping/cooking?

YABU. I think if your DH is not doing his fair share of cooking, meal planning etc then it is fair enough to be annoyed with him. Linking it to him working from home however is BU. When I work from home I probably work harder than when I am in the office. I see it as a privilege and generally want to be able to demonstrate that I have (in accordance with my business case for being permitted to work from home) achieved more/been able to concentrate better etc than if I had been in the office. I certainly don't want work to think I am distracted with preping DH's tea!

I don't think working from home means that he should automatically do dinner, as others have said, you're still working (I'm just having a lunch break right now, honest )

BUT if you are both working then he certainly should either (a) be making dinner 50% of the time, or (b) there should be some clear agreement as to why he isn't doing so (for example if he did all the washing and ironing, that might be a fair exchange).

DH & I do alternate nights, so if it is my night, its my problem. Then tomorrow, it will be up to him (of course we are flexible if there's some reason one of us can't do it a particular night!)

if he has time to make a cup of tea, which takes at least 5 mins then he can also do equivalent tasks like taking things out of a freezer or even putting washing on. (he could even do them at the same time). Is it perhaps more the problem (as I know it is in my house) that often the other person just doesn't think to do them. DP will do dinner, put wash on etc if he is at home but I wish I didn't need to be the one to to plan it all and work it out. It extends to other things, like if DD wakes up, I KNOW he is awake but he lies there in silence until I say, "I'll just get her then, or I'll just leave her and see if she settles" He always agrees but never offers a suggestion himself first. Sometimes you just want a bit of independent thought

I don't often get dinner prepared while working from home. In fact if I've prepped dinner it's a sign that work hasn't gone well and that I'll need to crack on with it after dinner to catch up. But Soups the whole dynamic you describe is quite foreign to me... You've tried not doing anything so that he does it, but then he doesn't do it, so you're cross and you tried not calling him so that he would call you but he didn't call you so you're cross? How was not doing things supposed to make him do them?

This is how it would go in the mr & mrs becstar household:-

Scene: MrB has been working from home. MrsB has returned to the homestead to find no dinner prepared, a hungry DS, and MrB sitting on his perfectly formed posterior staring at the computer. Kitchen is full of coffee cups. She gives MrB one of her famous withering looks so that he is aware he's going to be told off later. She quickly cooks a becstar family dinner, puts DS to bed then says:-
MrsB: MrB, I'm a bit pissed off that it's always me thinking about the food.
MrB: I'm sorry to hear that MrsB. I knew I was in trouble, I saw the withering look and was wondering what I'd done. How about if I cook dinner for you sometime?
MrsB: That's a lovely offer MrB but it's the 'thinking about it' rather than the 'doing of it' that's pissing me off iyswim. Do you know what I would love? Could you do the meal plan this week and do the supermarket shop too?
MrB: I'd love to help you with that, but I'm flat out at work this week... I am busy on this project and so am working from home so that I can concentrate.
MrsB: Next week?
MrB: Certainly MrsB, I can do that for you next week. Would that make you happy?
MrsB: It would make me very happy, MrB. In fact, I find you extremely attractive at this moment.

(at this point we shall draw a discreet veil over the Becstar household)

Perhaps we are very weird... are we???