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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think she used my sons gift before she gave it to me, given this evidence...

66 replies

elisadoeslittle · 05/12/2011 14:35

SIL gave us a shirt, tie and trouser set for DS's birthday. He wore the shirt on the day, the rest was very very big. Her sons size in fact.

So, I log onto FB and happen to see her son wearing the exact same suit. Coincidence perhaps?

Except that I know, for sure, that she regifted my christmas presents last year from the state of the present and its packaging.

AIBU to think she let her son wear it first?

And if yes, I still have last years gift in fact, AIBU to give it back to her?

OP posts:

LynetteScavo · 07/12/2011 22:07

She didn't let her son wear the gift first, she simply gave your DS something already worn by her son. Cast offs!

Whether this bothers you or not is another matter.

She could be under financial pressure.

She could be trying to be green and re-cycle.

or she could just not want to spend any money on you or your son.

JamieComeHome · 07/12/2011 22:08

MrsHarry - but if you care that there was half-burnt candle then you do care it was re-gifted.

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 07/12/2011 22:12

I think re-gifting something something you haven't used and will never used is fine (though I never have the nerve in case I have to apologise for no longer having the gift), but to gift a used object is just wrong (unless of course it's a vintage/collectors item) or something and to pass it off as new.

One Christmas I bought my cousins children some things off of eBay that they really really wanted. I told him they could all have what they asked for (that he couldn't afford either) if they were second hand or I could buy them something new, but it wouldn't be those things... he was not at all bothered they were 2nd hand and neither were the kids - they were just thrilled to have what they really, really wanted.

It's the 'passing it off as new' that's wrong.

MrsHarryPearce · 07/12/2011 22:13

You're right Jamiecomehome. I DID care, however if she had checked the thing first for regiftability I would be none the wiser and would have loved and cherished my food warmer. I support the principle of regifting as economical and environmental but strongly believe that the recipient SHOULDN'T KNOW. Otherwise they might feel insulted and generally shit!!!

JamieComeHome · 07/12/2011 22:15

I see what you mean, but I think that people only do that out of embarrassment. And they might be inclined to lie if they think the recipient is funny about second hand stuff, or about designer labels.

LynetteScavo · 07/12/2011 22:15

Have just added "regiftability" to my vocabulary.

JamieComeHome · 07/12/2011 22:17

sorry - my reply above was to Chipping.

MrsHarry - But why feel shit? The way I see it is that if the gift is appropriate and thought has gone into it, then there's no problem.

JamieComeHome · 07/12/2011 22:19

I feel insulted if I get something that no thought has gone into. I wouldn't care if someone found something in a skip and spent no money on me.

nagynolonger · 07/12/2011 22:21

I always knew what my SIL was going to give my DS for a Christmas gift. It would be something one of my sisters had given her sons the year before. Hope that makes sense!

It didn't bother me too much when they were small but it's not fair when the DC get older and start to notice.

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 07/12/2011 22:21

Why does OP sound vindictive? She is pissed off about getting a present that was NOT new when her (assuming OP is female) SIL said that the suit was new. OP asked whether she (see previous assumption) was being unreasonable in thinking that her (ditto) nephew had worn it before and thus the suit was NOT new and therefore the SIL had lied to her (...)

OP you are NBU. I reckon your instinct is 100% and unless there are some extenuating circumstances like awful financial predicaments or mental health issues or something equally difficult, then your SIL is lying and I would be fucked off, too. So there.

JamieComeHome · 07/12/2011 22:23

OK - we'll agree to disagree. I don't get the obsession with newness. Yes, embarrassing for the SIL that she lied, but was it malicious?

MrsHarryPearce · 07/12/2011 22:25

Jamiecomehome - you have hit the nail on the head - clearly no thought had gone into it otherwise she would have put a new tea light in it at the very least. Also at the time I was single and surviving off ready meals and cereal. I had no need of a foodwarmer. This was the same smug married friend that gave me a 'meals for one' recipe book and such like. Funnily enough all this was probably 15 years ago. See how scarred I am from thoughtless regifting!!!! I haven't kept in touch...................

Bogeyface · 07/12/2011 22:26

I find this similar to the DVD/CD problem.

If you buy a DVD or CD for someone, is it ok to open it and watch it yourself before giving it? Or downloading it to your itunes?

I dont think it is. This is the same.

If she said that she had bought him a new outfit then she shouldnt have put her son in it first. At best she should have said nothing.

JamieComeHome · 07/12/2011 22:27

Mrs Harry OK - I take your point. I still think the OP IBU.

I feckin hate suits on children though, so I'd be having a word about that

JamieComeHome · 07/12/2011 22:28

Bogey - Oh blimey - I think that's OK too.

MrsMuddyPuddles · 07/12/2011 22:31

YANBU. I like the "leave a comment on the FB photo" approach (surely you can do that if you can see it...?) Or maybe email her?

I'm with you on the lieing thing. There's not point to it, no benefit to it.

JamieComeHome · 07/12/2011 22:31

Please do not get me wrong. I never have, nor ever would do what the SIL did ....

jasper · 07/12/2011 22:32

so what if her son did wear it first?
I don't think it matters at all.
accept the gift graciously

cherrysodalover · 07/12/2011 22:40

Sorry you are being petty. If the suit was in good condition what is the big deal.
A lot of clothes inshops have been worn with tags and returned. Friends at school did it all the time for special occasions. Well their parents did.
I think that is cheeky but people think differently. I suspect you do not get on with your island this is great......to have another reason to not be endeared to her.
I love getting second hand clothes. You do not feel so bad if they only get worn once.

MuddlingMackem · 07/12/2011 22:41

Bogeyface Wed 07-Dec-11 22:26:51

If you buy a DVD or CD for someone, is it ok to open it and watch it yourself before giving it? Or downloading it to your itunes?

Bogeyface · 07/12/2011 22:52

Watching it because you want to see it, not to check it.

Bogeyface · 07/12/2011 22:54

Arrghh....meant to add, I have had to hide gifts for other people from DH to stop him doing this, it really really pisses me off.

JamieComeHome · 07/12/2011 23:04

why?

It does no disservice to the person you are giving it to. As long as you don't damage it, and as long as you chose it because you think they'll like it

Bogeyface · 07/12/2011 23:07

Because in my mind, when I buy something for someone, it becomes theirs as soon as I buy it. It doesnt matter that I havent given it to them it is still theirs.

If I want to see it I either ask to borrow it after a decent length of time (as happened when I bought my sister a DVD for her birthday) or buy it myself.

PludolphTheRedNosedReindeer · 07/12/2011 23:27

Okay, here's a regifting scenario; could people tell me if they think my plan redeems it:

I have a necklace (with pearls) which my mother has given me, which is not me at all, but which I think would really suit a good friend. I am thinking of giving it to her, letting her know it was something I had been given, which wasn't me, but which I thought she would like. And, in recognition of the fact that I hadn't paid for it, I'm making a charitable donation for her as well.

That gives her two presents, without having made her feel awkward about "how much" I might have spent on the pearls. Or does it make me seem like a loon/ very stingy?

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