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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think Cancer Research should rethink some of their marketing?

381 replies

MrsCarriePooter · 05/12/2011 12:13

This is a fairly mild AIBU but interested in what you think.

We were in our local Cancer Research shop this morning and in the window they had a big poster of a woman who had survived breast cancer, but the wording was something about "Vanessa wasn't going to let cancer beat her". I said to the volunteer insider when I was paying that I thought that was a bit offensive, as though those who die from cancer just had decided to roll over and "let cancer beat" them. Was I just being overtouchy? Having had relatives die of cancer I know I could be. The volunteer said "she'd pass my views" on to the area manager.

OP posts:
triplets · 05/12/2011 23:28

A subject lived with in this house for 4 years. 4 years ago I woke up and saw a spot of blood on the sheet on dhs side. Within 6 weeks he was diagnosed with bowel cancer which had already spread to his liver. Over the last 4 years this is what we have lived through.
Bowel surgery to remove tumour
Ileostomy bag made
6 months of rotten chemo
Blood clot in picc line
Up to London for liver surgery to remove tumour
Mop up chemo for 3 months.

3 months all clear.

Nect ct showed further mets in liver
3 months chemo
Liver surgery to remove

6 months clear

Ct showed new mets in liver
3months chemo
Up to London for ablation to remove
Ablation abandoned as further tumours found.
60% of liver removed

3 months all clear

Devastation.............next scan showed tumour back in new liver.
New tumour found in lung.
6 months of trial chemo
Dh lost 4 stone, all his hair in 2 days
In agony day and night with acne type rash esp on his head.
Tumours shrank
Nov 2010 liver tumour removed
Jan 2011 lung tumour removed.

All clear since!!
All this with three scared children, they were 9 when he was diagnosed.

All this after just getting our lives back after the sudden death of our first child Matthew in 1994.

People say we are brave, strong. They said when Matthew died, "God wanted him for an ANGEL. Only the good die young................etc etc
Dh is still here because of the drugs, the skill of his team and maybe abit of luck, why should the same team, same drugs save some and not others?

jasper · 05/12/2011 23:46

I agree and I'm crying

Lynli · 05/12/2011 23:54

I worked with a lovely lady who was diagnosed with breast cancer. She fell into depression and waited to die.

She was lucky her treatment worked, and she has been clear of the cancer for 5 years now.

She said she felt like a fraud because she wasn't brave and didn't fight. I thought that was so sad.

CuriousMama · 06/12/2011 00:01

YANBU I haven't seen it but would also be offended on behalf of my late sister, uncle and friends who have battled and died from it.

learningtofly · 06/12/2011 00:07

oh my this thread has moved on some since I last posted!

I have always thought my mum was incredibily strong when she was diagnosed - she found out 2 days before I was due to go on my first foreign holiday with my (future) dh and our friends and held off telling everyone other than extremely close family as she said I needed the break and she would need all of my strength when i got back.

I often said to her that she was the bravest and strongest person I knew and she said she wasnt - it was just that we all made her feel brave.

Fighting means absolutely fuck all (my first ever MN swear!) She didnt give in, the doctors tried everything but her body could simply not take it - the cancer just took over and within 4 months it was over.

The simply worst worst thing was her best friend had learnt her breast cancer had returned a few months before mum was diagnosed and mum's death had a profound effect on her friend - it literally broke her heart.

If only a strong heart and mind was the answer. Sadly it isnt.

SlinkingOutsideInSocks · 06/12/2011 00:07

Heartfelt thoughts going out to everyone on this thread.

My Dad was diagnosed with two cancerous tumours in his bowel two years ago - a faster-growing but less deadly one, and a slow-growing but more insidious one. Two for the price of one, as it were. He's been extraordinarily lucky and is still with us and doing well.

My mother also had bowel cancer which she recovered from, but 20 years later 'battled' with a blood disorder which eventually killed her.

As a result of these experiences, as well as seeing his own Mum die from breast cancer in his teens, my Dad has made it patently clear to my brother and I that he should not be kept alive under any circumstances. He has seen too much battling and suffering and pain and 'positive spirits' to last him a lifetime and knows that there's really, really not much craic to be had from it at all.

We support that decision whole-heartedly and think it takes a certain sort of strength to be so resolved over it.

OP - YADNBU.

JustifiedAncientOfMuMu · 06/12/2011 00:35

YANBU

Another cancer survivor here. I survived because I was lucky - the cancer was a weak one and in the early stages.

This positive mental attitude stuff isn't unique to cancer treatment either.

kipperandtiger · 06/12/2011 00:39

I agree, OP.

aloiseb · 06/12/2011 00:58

I'm glad my Dad had the common sense (well, that's how I think of it) to die within a few weeks of his diagnosis with secondary bone cancer. He wasn't having much fun and the only way was downhill, so he just did it fast. There were people in that hospice just hanging on and looking so miserable - I'm glad he wasn't one of them.
Wish it hadn't been Christmas time though - we are all a bit blighted now.Xmas Sad

DazzleII · 06/12/2011 01:44

That's very tough, Aloiseb, having those thoughts and memories at Christmastime. Sad

BlackSwan · 06/12/2011 03:55

You are right OP.

I further think placing the burden of battling cancer on cancer sufferers takes the heat off the public health system for early diagnosis and appropriate treatment.

TheHumancatapult · 06/12/2011 05:57

ny dad battled cancer and boy did he fight almost right to the end .But in the end with our blessing he signed the DNR form after they brought him back one time

But if anyone said he did not want to stya with us enough to battle harder then they are wrong so wrong ,we all supported his decision not have any more chemo

it can come down to whta type of cancer you have and how quick it is found .His sadly is the sort that is pretty much terminal past certain stage

TheHumancatapult · 06/12/2011 06:03

slinking

we supported my dads refusla and Dnr even when he his heart stopped first time we begged the Dr not to resuscitate him but apparently they had to Hmm as there was a small chance he want to stay alive .

He was bedridden in pain and every time it moved and crying and my dad never cried in front of people , he weighed 6 stone , was bleeding from his bowles and mean heavy bleeding.It was a sigh of relief when he was strong enough to sign the Dnr himself ,as otherwise that have tried again .YHe lasted 16 hrs from signing it till his heart just stopped

echt · 06/12/2011 06:55

There's a very good book called "How We Die" by Sherwin Nuland. Moving, unsentimental accounts of how death actually happens, but both medical (exploding cells) and human, the relationships, are described. It is beautifully written.
He positions "the fight" with the doctors (he is one himself), and I think his ideas are relevant to the battle metaphor.

I found it very helpful, though it is not a self-help book, after the death of my brother.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/12/2011 07:51

Re Leprunedematante's comment:-

"John Diamond also wrote about this in his book - he got very very angry about it".

I was glad that he spoke out in such a manner.

Hear, hear Scuttlebutter; I am heartily sick of this talk of cancer battles more often than not perpatrated by the media and other so called worthies. My uncle and grandparents wanted to live more than anything but they still died and not because of a so called lack of fight or will.

silentcatastrophe · 06/12/2011 08:54

You don't go to war with cancer any more than you go to war with a broken leg. If knowledge were a battle to understand, school children would be soldiers.
The treatment for cancer is still hardcore. I was quite young when I was diagnosed and treated. I met many women the same age and younger, some of whom are no longer with us. The suggestion that those who fight for their lives and survive the ordeal are somehow warriors, and those who die are not, is deeply offensive.

hackmum · 06/12/2011 09:11

It's interesting to see such unanimity on a thread. Perhaps we should write to Cancer Research about it.

About the John Diamond book - he wrote so brilliantly about how much he disliked the battle metaphor, and then when he died, all the news reports started with "John Diamond has lost his battle with cancer." I felt like banging my head against a brick wall.

PavlovtheCat · 06/12/2011 09:13

YANBU. My mum died of cancer, and I dislike the suggestion that she somehow 'gave up' rather than had a horrendous illness which she died from. Dying is not a choice for most people.

JugglingWithGoldandMyrhh · 06/12/2011 09:13

Just reading the opening line of your OP, MrsCP

"This is a fairly mild AIBU but interested in what you think ...."

Never say that OP !

Nine pages later ....

Understandably a lot of passion and many in agreement with you here MrsCarriePooter

Hope this will influence at least the way the cancer charities engage with us all.

silentcatastrophe · 06/12/2011 09:26

When will dementia be an illness to 'battle'? When will the sun stop melting icecream? He fought hard against the Alzheimers.. doesn't sound quite right any more than King Canute keeping back the tide. Why do people think cancer is any different?

JaneBirkin · 06/12/2011 09:33

OP, that sounds appalling, and no one should read a message like that as it's so overwhelmingly insensitive, misleading and wrong.

I lost my dearest friend to skin cancer last year, and I remember her trying very hard to be positive for everyone around her. She would post things on FB about 'trying to turn around my thoughts into positive ones' and everyone would say,' yes, that's the spirit, fight for all you're worth, you can beat this'

and then the chat window would pop up and I'd say have you slept at all this week? And she'd say 'No. Hideous nightmares every night. I am terrified'.

I live a long way from her and I think she needed an outlet, someone to offload the shit onto really, because her family and people around her could not take the pain of seeing how scared she really was. She spent the last few months trying to reassure them.

Not their fault, or hers. It's just the way it is.

Xmasbaby11 · 06/12/2011 09:33

I agree.

I can only think that the message is to empower cancer sufferers to help them feel they are in control and have the power to get well. While this may not be possible, the althernative is to accept that things are out of your hands.

porcamiseria · 06/12/2011 09:35

YOU ARE SO FUCKING RIGHT

I hate hate HATE the whole "I wont cancer beat me" its a crock of shit and it annoys me

sometimes you receover, sometimes you dont. we have the best treatment possible in this country (thank god) but you know what, it does not always work. and the whole "I will fight this" is erroneous and not helpful

porcamiseria · 06/12/2011 09:36

and Jane, so sorry and your post sums this up perfrectly. may she rest in peace

porcamiseria · 06/12/2011 09:37

gosh this thread is so moving. and so unanimous