Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

How to "ask" for money at a Christening

80 replies

ConnorCamden · 04/12/2011 19:46

My best friend had twins in July. She has a large family and the twins were the first babies born on both sides of the family in 10+ years. They were spoilt rotten at birth, been bought enough clothes and toys to last them until they are at least 12 months old.

The twins are being Christened in January. As friend knows they will have loads bought for them at Christmas too, she would like to ask that instead of people buying gifts for the twins when they are Christened, to please donate money for their accounts for when they are 18. Now, friend does not like to outright ASK for things or presume that the twins will get, but it's obvious they will. How can you go about tactically asking for money instead of gifts, without it sounding like she assumes the twins will get anything at all?

OP posts:

wigglesrock · 04/12/2011 21:19

hiddenhome I had my children christened because I am a Catholic as opposed to a "kind of Catholic throwback"

hiddenhome · 04/12/2011 21:23

Yes, I'm Catholic too. I'm not having a go at Catholics. I mean that infant baptism is something that Catholics used to do because they feared that their dead infants would go to hell. The superstition has remained, which is why infant baptism goes on in the CofE.

hiddenhome · 04/12/2011 21:24

Why do unbelievers still have their babies baptised? Tradition, superstition or an excuse for a piss up party?

SolidGoldVampireBat · 04/12/2011 22:05

Well, plenty of people have a naming ceremony/party for new babies - I'm afraid I don't know the correct technical term for the ceremonies done for Muslim/Jewish/Sikh/Hindu/other religions' equivalents. But it's also not uncommon to have a superstition-free equivalent event, it's a way of officially and formally welcoming the child to the world and the family and a nice thing to do. As such, asking for money still looks grabby; if you really want to avoid a houseful of money boxes and silver plated eggcups, as others have said, asking for donations to a local charity instead of presents is better.

sausagesandmarmelade · 05/12/2011 06:47

It's bad manners.......

People should be allowed to give whatever they want...and those gifts should be very thankfully received and acknowledged!

nooka · 05/12/2011 06:58

I can see why the friend doesn't want more gifts given the generosity she has already experienced and Christmas around the corner. I am however surprised that she expects Christening gifts. I've not Christened my children as I am an atheist, but most of my family have and although there was generally a party of some sort presents weren't really on the agenda except keepsakes from godparents.

Icelollycraving · 05/12/2011 08:14

I loved buying the gifts for my goddaughters. I wasn't sure what to buy for babies that were having a Catholic service (I'm C of E) but left it to Catholic boyfriend at the time. It would cross my mind to give cash & I would find it very rude to be asked. It isn't about savings for the future,any gifts are to celebrate the religious occasion. Even a request for charity donations would be unusual unless it's one that has affected them in some way.

tanfastic · 05/12/2011 08:31

One of my pet hates is people asking for money for any occasion and I rarely give money even if it's asked for. I work in the wedding industry and one if the biggest controversial subjects is always the "should I ask for money as we've got everything". There's always a split view on this but I'm firmly in the "you shouldn't "ask" for anything" camp....and don't talk to me about those cringeworthy poems they put in invitations....

tanfastic · 05/12/2011 08:33

The gifts would be the last thing on my mind to be honest if I was getting my child christened, it wouldn't enter my head to ask for anything.

OhTheConfusion · 05/12/2011 08:35

Our DD was christened last month, and as we live 10hrs away from family and close friends we went to them and had the ceremony in the church where we were married. This resulted in a large event as everyone wanted to see the baby and join us to celebrate (large catholic family).

DH and I would NEVER have requested money for DD and we put a polite note on the invitation saying "no gifts please, your presence is all we need". Needless to say she recieved a selection of photo frames, wooden hearts, piggy banks, clothing, blankets, trinkets, one bible and gift vouchers. Yes she recieved a lot, and yes she already had lots of clothes from when she was born but as a 3mth old girl she has all the time in the world to grow into things and many pretty gifts to remember her special day by. Gifts give people pleasure when they choose them, I love choosing somthing I find special for friends weddings, christenings, anniversary's, burthday's etc.

Floggingmolly · 05/12/2011 09:49

You can't, and emerge with any dignity at all. So don't.

Jinsel · 05/12/2011 09:55

I'm fully supportive of cash gifts for Christmas, birthdays etc but even I was a bit thrown by a cash gift for a Christening. I think the best thing to do is say no gifts and put up with all the tat. :(

porcamiseria · 05/12/2011 09:58

she cant. basically! its beyond rude. now if people ask, well tell them. But to ask in anyway is beyond crass

startail · 05/12/2011 09:59

I'm not religious so tend to Winnie the Pooh, etc plates or cups for Christenings, but yes something pretty to keep.
I don't object at all to money for weddings, but I'd just be at a loss as to how much for a Christening if not family.
Do understand your friends problem, I was saved a fortune by being able to borrow clothes and equipment off the mother of twins

porcamiseria · 05/12/2011 09:59

agree with ohtheconfuson

MollyTheMole · 05/12/2011 10:03

you cant ask for anything, at christmas, birthday, easter, christening, pfbs first poo etc etc

If people ask what you your friend would like then you can say, but even then its a bit rude and grabby to ask for money. My christening gifts are usually about £10-ish but I would feel embarassed at only giving £10 of money iyswim so Id feel pressured into giving more so probably wouldnt give anything at all

ebbandflow · 05/12/2011 10:04

It is very rude to ask for money on this occasion, anyway the types of presents you get for a Christening are nothing like Christmas presents!

NoOnesGoingToEatYourMincePies · 05/12/2011 10:13

I think people would be more accepting if your friend (is it really you OP? ) asked for money rather than gifts at Christmas and then just accepted whatever was given or not given at the Christening.

Especially since it's in January when people are a bit short on cash after Christmas but might be thinking they could pick up a nice Christening gift in the sales.

If the family are religious they might be offended by being asked for money rather than a meaningful memento of the occasion. If they are not religious they are probably not that overjoyed to be going to a Christening anyway, especially if they are expected to hand over money right after Christmas, having already bought the twins a gift each or given them some money then as well.

In the space of six months the friends and relatives have bought gifts or given cash for the birth and will be expected to fork out for Christmas and for a Christening too. Then it's Easter, then their birthday. And it's for twins. It's a lot of gifts and money (and chocolate eggs) for people to pay for, especially if they are travelling for the occasion and have bought new outfits or paid for a hotel etc too.

LeggyBlondeNE · 05/12/2011 10:17

I wouldn't personally say it was rude, but then I am very sympathetic to those who are overburdened by other people's need to buy my baby things and have been trying to divert people to anything else I can since before she was born! (All this you should be grateful and like it nonsense - I should be grateful that her future natural resources are being squandered by giving her plastic tat from China?! That my [then quite small] house is being filled against my will?)

The gifts are given so the giver can feel good thinking of them being treasured. I've done it myself so I understand the motivation, but I do hate that some people can't see that.

Definitely say no gifts. Perhaps say that the church will doing a collection for X on that day. You could verbally mention ot key family members that if people are desperate to give something for baby then ther'es always the trust fund option.

WhoWhoWhoWho · 05/12/2011 10:31

She can't ask for money for her twin's christening . As has just been stated, these relatives and friends are being incredibly generous and are indeed forking out twice the price on their gifts as your friend has twins. If she is overwhelmed with 'stuff' she could write on the invite suggesting donations to the church where the service is being held, and be prepared for token gifts that she can keep, charity shop, or ebay .

LondonMumsie · 05/12/2011 10:34

Sorry, but she really can't. She just can't. If people say "what can I get them?" then she can maybe mention it. But she cannot do it any blanket kind of way.

She can ask for no gifts, of course.

Floggingmolly · 05/12/2011 10:41

leggyblonde, you can say no to the plastic tat from China without asking for money, you know? Request donations to a charity of your choice, guests get to choose whether to donate or not and you don't come across as a grasping cow. It's easy.

lostinindia · 05/12/2011 10:50

It's supposed to be a happy occasion, do you (your friend) really want it tarnished by being so rude as to presume people will bring a gift in the 1st place.

I simply wouldn't give money if asked as imo it's only grandparents who would gift money. Very very rude.

If they have everything they need why not set up a collection box at the church for a charity.

dobeessneeze · 05/12/2011 10:51

I recently received an invite to a christening that said something along the lines of "if you would like to give a gift, donations to DD's university fund would be appreciated. Alternatively, we would love to add to DD's collection of classic children's books".

I found it helpful actually as not being a regular christening-goer, I'd have had no idea what to do about gifts. Though there were some distinctly un-book-shaped gifts on the day, so I reckon a lot of people just got what they wanted anyway.

LeggyBlondeNE · 05/12/2011 11:03

@Floggin

Well yes, you'll notice I didn't suggest asking for money as a general thing in my advice to the OP. But really, with my in-laws donations aren't an option - I tried that with my own birthdays/xmas. Something Must Be Given! I only suggest money for baby as a last resort if nothing else suggested is acceptable.

But then I wanted to give money for neices and nagged my brother to get an account set up. I didn't want to buy a duplicate so it seemed safer and nice and practical for their futures. (Once our turn came we got three, THREE identical pooh bear crockery sets, all from members of the same immediate family).

Flip

1 2 3 4