Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

to ask family to have my three children one weekend a month?

75 replies

MelodyPond · 04/12/2011 19:11

Dh is in the police and works three weekends out of every five.

We have three children aged 12, 8 and 3. I work four days a week and have my 3yr old on my day off. Both sets of gps are retired.

I am knackered. The last weekend out of the three comes round and I want to cry. Endlessly.

I tend to book dates to go.out with friends way in advance so that it falls when dh is home, so that ruins our family weekends.

So, Aibu if I ask family I'd they can have the children that last weekend, so I can go out, clean, chill out?

Go on, give it to me straight! :)

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 04/12/2011 20:47

Yabu!!!!

Your kids, so get on with it! Us lone parents have to!

troisgarcons · 04/12/2011 20:47

Ah the old 'get a cleaner comment' ... perhaps the OP cant afford one ... or doesnt like strangers touching her things.

ToldYaSo · 04/12/2011 20:48

I don't think yabu at all op. It takes a village to raise a child apparently and families are supposed to support each other.

but woe betide the bastards if they try and have an opinion about the raising of said child

Sidalee7 · 04/12/2011 20:49

Also, if your husband is home alone in the week, why does he not spend time with your ds and then he cd go to preschool/childminder on your day off?

bigTillyMincepie · 04/12/2011 20:50

I disagree, cory. I know for a fact that my cousins children are better behaved (managed more assertively) at my aunt and uncles.

Your grandchild/nephew is not "somebody elses child" he is part of the family and all adults should feel confident to manage family members, presuming that they see them more than once a year. Children usually behave much better at other people's houses anyway (when the parent's aren't there) - how many children have you had round for tea that were unmanageable?

Sidalee7 · 04/12/2011 20:58

I am laughing at the cleaner being "a stranger touching things"....ha yes I DO mind when she touches my shower, my hoover, my dusters......

and funnily enough I dont see her as a stranger either seeing as I have met her!

lisad123 · 04/12/2011 21:01

I want a cleaner of anyone is offering she can touch my stuff anytime

Laquitar · 04/12/2011 21:02

Melody @ 19:55:37: 'I think its me'.

No, its not you. Children always behave better at school or with other people than they do with their parents.

Who knows? They might behave with the gp's. I think it would be much to ask them to commit for regular and strict arrangement but you can ask for one off and have a nice rest. Then take it from there.

Laquitar · 04/12/2011 21:04

x-post Tilly

TeuchterInTheCity · 04/12/2011 21:14

My DH is police also and it is hard work, you're whole life revolving round their shifts, and I do find it quite lonely. We have no family support locally and weekends can be hard if I haven't made plans for me an DD.

I would start slowly, ask a family member to have just the 3 yo for a day, or even a few hours, and maybe arrange for the older ones to go to friends? Rather than a rigid once every 5 weeks arrangement, keep it as hoc. Can you speak to GP and explain you're feeling a bit low just now and you would really appreciate some help?

Does DH help on his days off? Mine does a lot round the house, shopping, garden, DIY etc if he's off during the week which makes the weekends he's working a bit easier.

nooka · 04/12/2011 21:16

The OP isn't just tired though, she says that she wants to cry endlessly. That's beyond tired in my book. I wonder if her family know how bad things have got? I'd like to think that most families would offer to help, if they knew that their daughter/sister was at the end of their tether.

OP, I agree with Chipping and ANTAgony, if nursery/childminder could have the littlest for the weekday (perhaps every other week) then you would be able to recharge her batteries and that might make the weekend more bearable. Also if you are really concerned about his behaviour then is it time to ask the HV or GP for a referral? Even if it is just to put your mind at rest?

tralalala · 04/12/2011 21:21

umm.. we have 3, (they are under 6 years old so a bit more of a handful), DH is a paranmedic so similar shit shifts. My parents have them once a year for aweekend, MIL has never had them for more than an hour (and that ws only once!)

Can you not send the older ones off to friend, this is what I do, repaying the favour either babysitting or having them round ours, thus only having the three year old to see if your parents/PIl can look after him every other month?

I honestly HATE his job. It ruins family life.

mumofthreekids · 04/12/2011 21:22

My parents are very hands-on GPs and love my kids, but they find a whole weekend with them very tiring (they are younger than yours though - aged 2,4 and 6). They do it occasionally (once or twice a year) but I think once a month would be a big ask. Agree with other posters that maybe a day from say 10am to 4pm would be easier for them, and still give you a nice break. There's no harm in asking for a weekend, but I know my parents would accept because they want to help me out and then not want to admit if they were having a difficult time.

tralalala · 04/12/2011 21:23

In fact it makes me realise why I was fucked off with all the abuse thrown at the public sector strike.

10 years of shift work (he is working 3 weeks now with 3 days off spread out, 2 of which are in fact sleep days) ARGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

tralalala · 04/12/2011 21:24

also he worked for 3 christmases in a row ...............sorry for venting but arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

cory · 04/12/2011 21:30

Tilly, it depends on the child. Some children behave well at school and badly at home, others play up more at school than at home. I am sure plenty of school teachers would take issue with the idea that children always behave immaculately with other adults than their parents.

As I said, these two friends of ds'- well, I have no idea what they are like at home,but they are certainly pretty difficult when round our house. In fact, ds stopped inviting them because his things were always getting broken when they pushed each other around. Fighting and pushing each other and constant arguing just seems normal behaviour to them (they have lovely parents though, which makes it harder).

Though they are not the norm among dcs' friends, over the years I have known a few others that are at least as difficult when away from their parents, if not more. But the parents don't know this, because it is hard to launch into a litany of complaints at the end of the visit (particularly if you are looking after them to help out): after all, you don't know if the children are naughty by home standards.

The OP did say that she felt her MIL just wanted them out of there by the end of the day.

Of course there is a chance that the children will behave better at their grandparents if the OP is not there. But I think any agreement should be open ended, leaving a graceful getout clause if it does get too much, and that the OP should leave very clear instructions on how to handle a tantrum if it does occur.

My mother was an expert handlers of meltdowns in her day, having a difficult youngest. But she still seemed shaken when dd went into similar meltdowns 25 years later: she was that little bit older and less resilient.

RosemaryandThyme · 04/12/2011 21:33

Make a plan.

Is three year old getting the 15hrs of pre-school free yet ?
If not book him somewhere for the day off that you have, one day child free a week will help.
If he is you might need to pay extra for this day - could you afford it ?
If not and GP's are retired could they have him say fortnighly for half a day ?

Look at when he will start school . Sep 2012 ? Sep 2013 ?
Most schools have to offer full-time from the September they start so you are unlikely to have that awful half-days scenario.

Count up the weekends you'll be struggling - if he starts next September you'll be looking at 10/11 weekends only, 22/23 if its Sep 2013.

GP might be mroe willing to help if they can see that there will be an end to it.

TheSecondComing · 04/12/2011 21:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JosieZ · 04/12/2011 21:53

AArgh just lost my message.

What I was saying was that my DH worked away for years and it was hard having long weekends to fill. Other mums were busy with their families so weekdays were ok, but weekends just rubbed in your loneliness.(no family around)

What I should have done is arranged a babysitter through the week and gone to yoga/swimming/hairdresser/whatever just something for me. Then at weekends arranged a babysitter and maybe taken older children to cinema - anything just to do something that breaks the routine and gets away from the neverending housework and reprimanding.

At the time it seemed too selfish and expensive - now realise we would have all been happier with a more interesting and varied life.

clam · 04/12/2011 21:54

I think it sounds as if you've got to the end of your tether if the thought of a weekend on your own with all 3 drives you to tears. Does your DH know you feel like this? What's his takeon it and is there any solution the two of you together can come up with?

pensheric · 05/12/2011 19:16

how about asking them to have your 3 yr old sometimes on your day off so you really get a day off and they only have to look after one child

QuintessentiallyFestive · 05/12/2011 19:21

Sorry. yabu. You have chosen to have three children, knowing your dhs work. And you only work 4 days and can opt to have your 3 year old at nursery on the day you dont work, or you can ask that the grandparents take the 3 year old on the day you dont work so you can catch up with chores.

It seems like you need to get some baby sitters on board, so you can get an evening out even if your dh is working. Especially so you can have some family time when he is home.

natation · 05/12/2011 19:28

As a public sector worker married to a public sector worker who last got Christmas off in the early 2000s and who works moveable shifts (including 14 years of night shifts), with 4 kids and only 1 week ever of child care help in the last 15 years and no family within 7 hours of us, OP does have my sympathies. But I have found coping with 2 parents working and no family support much easier by simply accepting the situation and getting on with things. Our children are aged 6 to 15 now, I expect them to help out and take responsibilities now for some housework, for example the 9 year old has just mastered the art of making packed lunches for her younger sibling, the 2 eldest children are able to use the washing machine, cook simple meals, hoover, wash up. The children get all their school bags ready each night and put out clothes for the next morning. It makes it so much easier for the whole family now that I am not doing every single bit of housework on top of working a 25 hour week, having a husband who has works nearly always opposing shifts to my hours and who works 5 weekends in 7. It makes an enormous difference to me that the children do help out. If the OP hasn't got the elder 2 children domesticated, maybe it is time to get them on that learning curve towards independence and essential life skills!!

Diamondwhite · 05/12/2011 19:31

My parents are good but they would only manage 3 every now and again. More usually I would just send one or 2 at a time. It still feels like a break. If I only have one of them around it's so much easier so perhaps just split them up.

sweetsantababy · 05/12/2011 20:06

Nope YANBU at all to ask, are they willing? I would love love love to do this.

Flip

1 2 3