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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask family to have my three children one weekend a month?

75 replies

MelodyPond · 04/12/2011 19:11

Dh is in the police and works three weekends out of every five.

We have three children aged 12, 8 and 3. I work four days a week and have my 3yr old on my day off. Both sets of gps are retired.

I am knackered. The last weekend out of the three comes round and I want to cry. Endlessly.

I tend to book dates to go.out with friends way in advance so that it falls when dh is home, so that ruins our family weekends.

So, Aibu if I ask family I'd they can have the children that last weekend, so I can go out, clean, chill out?

Go on, give it to me straight! :)

OP posts:
foreverondiet · 04/12/2011 19:34

I think all 3 for a whole weekend would be a lot but maybe you can explain that you need help and work out what they can each cope with, eg some of the children for some of the time maybe every or every 2nd weekend. Or maybe the 3 year old on your day off. If they argue non stop then I think YABU to ask them to have all 3 for the weekend!

marriedandwreathedinholly · 04/12/2011 19:37

Why are they always arguing? Why are they a nightmare. Would it be better perhaps to arrange for both sets of grandparents to have one child for one day on the same weekend so that you have one child to have some quality time with and do this on a rotational basis for a little while providing they agree.

TBH, if you can't cope with the three of them I doubt the grandparents would be able to. I'm only 51 (and our dc are 17 and 13.5 and I haven't got the energy I had 10 years ago to deal with younger children, let alone one's who misbehave).

Proudnscary · 04/12/2011 19:37

I think it's too much of an ask. Honestly.

ANTagony · 04/12/2011 19:37

Could you put your 3yr old in nursery on your day off? If the nursery has spaces they may even let you do it on a more casual basis. I used to have a great nursery with my youngest. He formally did 3 days but they would take him flexibly on the other 2 if I had meetings and things going on, I didn't want to put him in 5 days every week and couldn't afford to.

I know it probably wouldn't give you time with your friends but it would give you time on your own when the others are at school. It could also give you quality time to do fun things with the older ones after school before nursery pick up.

How sensible is your 12 year old?

Could the grandparents take just the three year old for the odd night and the others stay at home?

I can remember 3 all too well. Mine are now 8, 5 and 10 months. The youngest has just discovered speed crawling, climbing and falling over when she pulls herself up on things. Its so non stop and this is the first child I've stayed home 7 days a week with. The eldest has ASD so is also full of life and self centered. My parents are very good and I tend to ask them to have just the youngest for the odd few hours, only when it suits them - which I know they enjoy. The others have their own social lives so I can manipulate occasions of drinking a hot drink before its gone cold and having a phone conversation without constant interruption.

So my give it straight is would a few hours be a good start? Being four and becoming a little more responsive to requests and self amusing is only just around the corner.

VivaLaSativa · 04/12/2011 19:41

I don't think yabu at all op. It takes a village to raise a child apparently and families are supposed to support each other. Even if its just for a few hours. squeakytoy's idea sounds good.

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 04/12/2011 19:43

Why not book the 3 year old into nursery on your day off and use that to catch up on jobs then you'd have the weekend free to relax with the kids.

I actually think that if the GP's wanted to have them to help you out, they'd be offering. There's no harm in asking, but you need to give them an easy 'out' if they don't want to do it.

I don't understand why your 8 & 12 yo's are hard work though? They really shouldn't be by that age - and your 3 year old should be on his way to being a lot more independant - I think that is really the issue? Unless there are some SN's you haven't mentioned, your own 3 - over 3- shouldn't be that hard.

Can you afford a cleaner?

troisgarcons · 04/12/2011 19:43

I find it "odd" your 12yo isn't out and about anyway.

Mind you I find it "odd" GPs aren't hammering down the door ripping your children out of you arms!

Oh, I'll be slated, but families bring up children - I never quit get this "your kids your problem" attitude that pervades on MN .... even if the GPs took the protagonist child away - coz there is always one who starts the fights - then that would be welcome relief. Mind you, the knock on of that is that the other children see one being rewarded for bad behaviour.

neverever · 04/12/2011 19:49

I know how you feel (sort of) dh works away a month at a time and I work 3 days a week I have a cm for 2 days and mil has dd2 I day a week every other month, dd1 at school, it's bloody hard going at times I would love a weekend on my own once a month but I would feel unreasonable asking I feel it was our choice to have dd's and it's my choice to work. Who watches your dc when u work if it's family then I think you are bu to ask for a weekend a month off, maybe a weekend every other month?

Original poster
MelodyPond · 04/12/2011 19:51

Yes chipping. I think that's the real issue. I feel like I can't cope with him.

He's so headstrong. He hits, he kicks, he's ny shadow. I frequently worry that something is wrong with him :(

Fwiw, there are three sets of gp and six siblings, just some one to one time would do them all good...

OP posts:
troisgarcons · 04/12/2011 19:53

He's so headstrong. He hits, he kicks, he's ny shadow. I frequently worry that something is wrong with him

have school raised issues about his behaviour?

Original poster
MelodyPond · 04/12/2011 19:54

God no, my family dont have him, hes in pre school and has a childminder.
Dh is often home alone in the week while I work and then he works while I have the kids at the weekends. I'm just fed up with it.

We have a HUGE family and I do need help.

My 12 yr old often is out but I would rather she was home and I could help her with homework or have some girlie time.

OP posts:
Original poster
MelodyPond · 04/12/2011 19:55

He's good as gold there Trois. I think its me :(

OP posts:
ChristinedePizanne · 04/12/2011 19:59

Perhaps you could ask someone to take one of them out for a bit? I think 3 kids with such a wide range of ages is probably a bit much to ask anyone to take for a weekend tbh. Is the 12 YO going over to mates' houses/doing activities etc?

If your DH is working 3 weekends out of 5, then he must have time off during the week? So can't he do the lion's share of the childcare on those days?

And I would cancel your evenings out if he has a weekend off - real friends should understand that.

pookle10 · 04/12/2011 20:05

sorry i am grumpy today but i only have mil who is useless and have never had any one to babysit for over a year......there is always some one else worse off.....god i am a grump

lisad123 · 04/12/2011 20:20

I think the point is, you need to get control of ds. He clearly is a handful but nothing's going to change that, and no amounts of weekends off are going to either.
Does the preschool or childminder have these problems?

cory · 04/12/2011 20:24

Do remember it will be much harder for them than for you if your children play up as they will not feel equally free to discipline them and won't be in a position to threaten any longterm discipline anyway.

ImperialBlether · 04/12/2011 20:25

I agree with Lisa. The thing is, he can go to grandparents' houses as often as he wants but if he's still a nightmare with you, you'll still have a problem.

Are the older children any trouble? If so, in what way?

What makes you think your 3 year old DS has problems above and beyond being 3?

As it stands, I doubt as if your parents or in-laws will want the children over night if they're glad to see the back of them when you're with them.

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 04/12/2011 20:27

I too don't get this 'your kids, your problem' stance.

Tbh I have enough stress with my own two yet I still willingly help out family and friends with theirs if / when needed.

Sometimes it's just nice to be nice, one weekend a month or whatever wouldnt bother me, but obviously not everyone thinks the same way.

Hardgoing · 04/12/2011 20:29

I would split them up , perhaps 8 and 12 year old to stay over at grandparents, surely that would make it easier with the three year old?

I think you are a bit unlucky with the age gaps there, there's few things they could all enjoy and I guess they are not really playing with each other.

I would try and reduce the amount of children with you that weekend, but I don't think it's necessarily fair to ask them to have a three year old who is a nightmare, behaviour-wise.

scrappydoodah · 04/12/2011 20:34

YABVVVVVVU I can't see how anyone could think it reasonable to off load their kids on family for one weekend every month because they are tired. I am sure family are happy to help out occasionally, but what you are wanting is called taking advantage. I'd be really pissed off someone did that to me, but would probably be too nice to say no. It isn't fair.

I am sorry you are finding life hard, but your children really are your responsibility.

cory · 04/12/2011 20:38

I think it is perfectly reasonable for family to help and would be happy to do so did my nephews live closer, but I do admit I would struggle if they displayed the kind of behaviour you describe- particularly the older ones arguing all the time- because I simply wouldn't know how strict I could be with them without falling out with you.

Ds used to be friends with two brothers who came round to play, they were constantly arguing and fighting each other and tbh it was a nightmare: because I wasn't their parent I couldn't come down on them like a ton of bricks, in fact there was very little I could do except tell them off, which didn't seem to have much effect. Having them round for an afternoon left me tired for days.

cory · 04/12/2011 20:40

With my own 3yo I could restrain her if she had a kicking and biting tantrum- wouldn't like to do that with somebody else's child. And if my own older children are too unpleasant to each other I can ban them from the computer or telly for a week- again, you can't do that to somebody else's child.

coccyx · 04/12/2011 20:43

Sort the kids bad behaviour out, that would make it easier for you.

ToldYaSo · 04/12/2011 20:44

if i was the family i wouldnt be happy making it a set in stone once a month weekend, because then that limits my opportunity to do things that i want to do, and puts me under obligation

why not just ask once in a while. i think once a month is taking liberties to be honest

my OH worked the same shifts and I had three small ones, one year apart each, and we didnt have family within 200 miles so just had to get on with it

Sidalee7 · 04/12/2011 20:45

I think YABU. Your 12yo is old enough to help out. Why dont you get a cleaner? And your 3yo gets 15 hours of free childcare in the week at pre school / nursery?