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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"I dont want to dump the kids on DH twice in one week" what the F ? AIBU??

76 replies

MistyMountainHop · 04/12/2011 17:41

went out last night with some friends, one of whom's dh constantly text her asking her whereabouts and when she was going to be home, who was out etc Hmm her DH was at home with their 2 DC (aged 5 and 2 months). all of us are married but none of our dh's were interrogating us all night. he is always like this. talk about possessive.

it was so obvious she felt really guilty for being out (because he was making her feel guilty) and she ended up leaving really early. she never gets to go out anyway and this was meant to be her belated 30th birthday night out as she was PG when it was her actual birthday. she had been looking forward to it for ages.

anyway some of us are planning to go to the theatre this coming thursday and when we asked her she said "oh i can't, i don't want to dump the kids on DH twice in one week" my face looked exactly like this>>> Shock

  • I mean - what the actual fuck?? her DH is not some acquaintance who will be inconvenienced by looking after someone's children, he is her husband and dad to the kids and she is quite within her rights, as is he, to go out without the kids whenever she pleases!! neither of them are working so they are both with the kids 24/7 anyway. well to be fair, SHE is with the kids 24/7 as he is a lazy arsehole.

would me and her other friends be U to tell her, to get a grip FFS? and how can we say this nicely to her?

aarghhh Angry

OP posts:
wordfactory · 05/12/2011 16:09

To be honest at two months I was still exhausted from the pregnancy and birth.
I was breast feeding every few hours.

The last thing I wanted was to have a night out with the girls.

I do think there's an awful lot of pressure on women to 'get back to normal' after a birth. And why? What's the rush?

Bonsoir · 05/12/2011 16:15

I agree, wordfactory. Fortunately I was very old by the time I became a mother and was aware that the world would still be waiting and able to enjoy my company if I decided to take a few months away from it to devote to my baby and post-pregnancy self. But it is very wrong to put so much pressure on new mothers to carry on as if they didn't have children.

mrsravelstein · 05/12/2011 16:22

i don't find this particularly weird. i didn't leave dh with the dc until the youngest was about 9 months old, i went out for lunch with some girlfriends for about 4 hours, and he found it pretty hard work looking after the 3dc, and he certainly texted at least once or twice during that time.

dh isn't possessive/aggressive/useless, but neither of us have done a lot of nights out solo since the kids were born, and i certainly wouldn't leave him/dc 2 nights in one week.

JamieComeHome · 05/12/2011 16:23

This baby isn't breast-fed.

gallicgirl · 05/12/2011 16:23

Would it make her feel any better if you said something? She's hardly likely to say "oh thank you, I hadn't noticed my DH is a controlling idiot. Thanks for pointing it out."

Probably better to say it's a shame she feels she can't come, you enjoy her company, you'd love to see her some other time etc.
I think having a go at her DH would just make her feel even worse about it all. At least if she knows you'll be understanding, she's more likely to talk to you when it's needed. Make sure she knows she can always talk to you just in case the controlling twat is also an abusive twat.

MrSpoc · 05/12/2011 16:28

My wife and I are very unsociable. We have a rule that we can both blame each other for not going out. This is fine as we rather prefer our own company.

What's to say this is not the same situation.

Also "Dumping Kids" is just a turn of frase, why does everyone have to analyse everything.

diddl · 05/12/2011 16:37

TBH it´s up to her.

Sounds as if for her that going out is more trouble than it´s worth-but it´s up to her to put up with it or do something about it.

I´m one who would have found it hard to leave a two month old & probably only would due to the badgering of "well meaning" friends who wouldn´t take no for an answer.

I´d have been happy for an excuse to leave early-maybe she was also.

MrSpoc · 05/12/2011 16:44

Has anyone else ever said to their partner "text or ring at a certain time so I can leave".

I know i have and also my wife has. God, i bet we both look really bad to our friends.

molly3478 · 05/12/2011 16:53

I dont think there is anything wrong with that mrspoc or getting text from your dh/dw on a night out, I think the op though has one of those couples where the man just doest like his wife being out. Unfortunately its quite common and they will just do anything to ruin it for the other person. Where are you going? You cant wear that you look like a slut. Whose out if any men are there then they get in big trouble for it on their return.

The op states that the person was looking forward to going out, but by the looks ofthingsthe dh wouldnt stop until her night was bombarded with texts.

Original poster
MistyMountainHop · 05/12/2011 17:35

I dont think there is anything wrong with that mrspoc or getting text from your dh/dw on a night out, I think the op though has one of those couples where the man just doest like his wife being out. Unfortunately its quite common and they will just do anything to ruin it for the other person. Where are you going? You cant wear that you look like a slut. Whose out if any men are there then they get in big trouble for it on their return.

YES molly this is exactly what my friends DH is like! once she was getting dressed for a night out and he told her to wear something different as the dress she had put on was "slutty" Hmm and last week he made a comment to me along the lines of "misty you had better make sure that men stay away from DW" he said this "jokingly" but he wasnt joking.

OP posts:
JamieComeHome · 05/12/2011 17:41

It's really hard when you feel strongly, with evidence, like you have, that a friend's partner is controlling/a bit of a git/ abusive. Sometimes you have to wait for them to open up about it, because if you push it too much they feel they have to defend their partner, or feel criticised for putting up with it. I suppose all you can do is keep inviting her, and make sure you know she can confide in you.

molly3478 · 05/12/2011 17:44

Misty - I know a fair few people that have to put up with it. Not allowed to wear short skirts, certain tops, eyeshadow (?), not allowed to go in certain bars/clubs, not allowed to speak to speak to any men even their friends DH/DPs, not allowed to go back to peoples houses if any men will be there even if again it is friends DH/DPs/brothers etc. Constantly ringing and texting, going in moods about completely innocent pictures on fb I could go on..... It drives me mental!

Xmasbaby11 · 05/12/2011 17:51

I wouldn't say anything unless asked. It is her business how to manage her relationship. It is shocking and not what I would want in a relationship, but don't get involved unless she specifically asks. The baby is very young so they do have time to work these things out - they are probably still in an adjustment period.

Xmasbaby11 · 05/12/2011 17:53

Oh having read later posts now he does sound like a twat! Agree with Jamie - confronting her will make her defensive. Just be there for her.

Original poster
MistyMountainHop · 05/12/2011 18:12

god molly :(

am :( at how many women put up with this shit

your last post also describes friends dh, friend used to have a male best friend (totally innocent, the guys gay) and she has pretty much stopped seeing him now as her H keeps making comments along the lines of suggesting somethings going on between them Hmm very sad.

ironically her DH has a female best friend, who is stunning, and 22, but apparently thats allowed.

god he is a twat of the highest order and me and all her other friends know it and can see it.

OP posts:
molly3478 · 05/12/2011 18:31

Yep I know someone who came back to mine with another girl who we are friends with and my DH (they were the only 2 there other than me and her) as we had gone out drinking but decided to drink at home.

She didnt want her DP to 'suspect' anything was going on so came back to mine and then when he rang to say he was pickig her up she ran a mile and a half to town to the pub we were drinking in to pretend she had been there the whole time so there was no arguments.

unfortunately you are banging your head up against a brick wall trying to change this situation ime. No mnatter what happens they will justify it as normal behaviour

Bogeyface · 05/12/2011 19:30

"I only say it because I care about you"
"I see alot of women getting hit on by men and I dont you to have to deal with that"
"If you loved me you wouldnt want to go out without me"
"If you loved me you would understand that its only because I care"
"Obviously you want to do something you shouldnt otherwise you wouldnt be going out with out without me"
"You cant go now anyway, I have to work/visit my mother/fix the car/take all the money out of the bank"

And the clincher

"If you think me caring about you is unreasonable then fine, go out and make a slut of yourself but I wont be here when you get back"

Cue lots of back pedalling on the part of the woman, she doesnt go out and he feels vindicated :(

How do I know this? Take a wild guess. Took me 4 years to get rid of him, but the freedom I had afterwards was weird, took alot of getting used to!

Original poster
MistyMountainHop · 06/12/2011 08:29

bogey :(

i had one of these as well...took me 7 years to get rid of him!!

i think this is one of the reasons why i feel so sad and angry when i see another man doing it to another woman!

OP posts:
Original poster
MistyMountainHop · 06/12/2011 08:30

especially when the woman is a good friend of mine.

OP posts:
aubergineinautumn · 06/12/2011 09:06

Just because lots of men are like that doesn't make it right.

Misty-have you gently probed her for other potential evidence of emotional abuse? There may be more to this if you scratch the surface. Hopefully she'll see sense sooner rather than later and be shot of this cocklodger.

HarrySantaatemygoldfish · 06/12/2011 09:17

Misty - I know a fair few people that have to put up with it. Not allowed to wear short skirts, certain tops, eyeshadow (?), not allowed to go in certain bars/clubs, not allowed to speak to speak to any men even their friends DH/DPs, not allowed to go back to peoples houses if any men will be there even if again it is friends DH/DPs/brothers etc. Constantly ringing and texting, going in moods about completely innocent pictures on fb I could go on..... It drives me mental!

Hmm They don;t have to put up with it and how are they not allowed to do as they please?

If you choose to be in a relationship with an insecure, controlling prick and you choose to acquiesce to that insecure and controlling prick, that is entirely your choice but a choice is most certainly is!

difficulttimes · 06/12/2011 09:21

Awww

Arseholes like that make me so Angry, maybe you should have the , 'they are his kids' talk?

mummyosaurus · 06/12/2011 09:25

It would really annoy me too.

But I know the others are right and we should not interfere.

I would almost explode with the not interfering though...

HarrySantaatemygoldfish · 06/12/2011 10:13

But presumably these women are happy to put up with it?

Some women like possessive, jealous and controlling partners. They think it means they are loved. They get a kick out of saying, "Oooh, he would never let me do that" giggle giggle.

Leave 'em to it. There's always a door they can walk through.

Bramshott · 06/12/2011 10:34

I think it all depends on the back-story. In this particular relationship it sounds like it's connected to controlling behaviour, but if it were a man saying "oh no, I'd better not, it's not fair to leave DW with the kids twice in one week when the baby is so small" I'd be quite impressed by his thoughtfullness.