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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"I dont want to dump the kids on DH twice in one week" what the F ? AIBU??

76 replies

MistyMountainHop · 04/12/2011 17:41

went out last night with some friends, one of whom's dh constantly text her asking her whereabouts and when she was going to be home, who was out etc Hmm her DH was at home with their 2 DC (aged 5 and 2 months). all of us are married but none of our dh's were interrogating us all night. he is always like this. talk about possessive.

it was so obvious she felt really guilty for being out (because he was making her feel guilty) and she ended up leaving really early. she never gets to go out anyway and this was meant to be her belated 30th birthday night out as she was PG when it was her actual birthday. she had been looking forward to it for ages.

anyway some of us are planning to go to the theatre this coming thursday and when we asked her she said "oh i can't, i don't want to dump the kids on DH twice in one week" my face looked exactly like this>>> Shock

  • I mean - what the actual fuck?? her DH is not some acquaintance who will be inconvenienced by looking after someone's children, he is her husband and dad to the kids and she is quite within her rights, as is he, to go out without the kids whenever she pleases!! neither of them are working so they are both with the kids 24/7 anyway. well to be fair, SHE is with the kids 24/7 as he is a lazy arsehole.

would me and her other friends be U to tell her, to get a grip FFS? and how can we say this nicely to her?

aarghhh Angry

OP posts:
elfyrespect · 04/12/2011 18:34

I can understand not wanting to go out twice in one week with a 2 month old.
I seem to remember being in my pjs by 8 or 9 myself at that stage.
It can be hard to say 'no, I don't want to'.

thebigkahuna · 04/12/2011 18:36

Well the texting is not on.

But with a two month old I wouldn't want to dump the kids on my DH for two nights in one week either and I would only accept it from him if it was work related.

Two separate issues really.

craftyknickers · 04/12/2011 18:37

You don't know what is going on behind closed doors. She may be saying no for a quiet life, maybe she would be getting a lot of grief if she went.

I would not reccomend saying anything, she probably already knows he is being unreasonable but maybe cannot say anything.

AnnieLobeseder · 04/12/2011 18:39

Valium - I didn't read it as anger towards her friend, so much as perfectly justifiable anger towards her controlling partner. And I'd be angry in such a situation too. It's incredibly difficult to see someone you care about being treated badly by someone who supposedly loves them.

Sadly, though, OP, there's not much you can do except gently point out that most decent men don't see caring for their own children as a chore, and actively encourage their partners to get out whenever they can for some R&R.

thebigkahuna · 04/12/2011 18:41

"she is quite within her rights, as is he, to go out without the kids whenever she pleases!!"

I actually wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who thinks like this.

But I would have the manners not to take your DH aside and have a word with him about it.

bejeezus · 04/12/2011 18:44

You could go round and see her on her own and ask her quietly and gently if she WANTS to go to the theatre? And ask her how she feels about all the texts her husband sends her on a night out? Just let her know that you are worried and she can talk to you if she needs to. You don't need to slag him off, just let her know that you are there for her x

molly3478 · 04/12/2011 18:47

We have one male friend who went out for an hour and a half to wetherspoons on a tuesday his girlfriend drove to every pub on the high street and went in checking to see where they were. Rang him and all his friends countless times and then rang me as my DH was out with him I missed 2 calls so she sent me a message saying I was a fucking bitch and why was I hiding him Confused In the end she found him and made him leave and come home, and he actually left with her!!

birdsofshoreandsea · 04/12/2011 18:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

trixie123 · 04/12/2011 18:51

Leaving aside the specific circumstances of these two nights out, I agree with your general point which is (I think) that dads are not "helping" or "babysitting" and should be expected to deal with their children day in day out in the same way that their mother is. It is pretty impossible for any of us to know what goes on behind closed doors so you must stay out of it unless she specifically asks you for advice. She may be happy with the status quo, even if you are not.

AnnieLobeseder · 04/12/2011 19:12

bejeezus speaks sense.

JamieComeHome · 04/12/2011 19:24

I agree. This could easily be a situation where things are even worse at home than they appear. Let her know you are available to listen to her.

minimisschief · 04/12/2011 19:30

i can guarantee if your husbands and wives went out whenever they pleased leaving you with the kids while they go out everyone in this thread would get highly pissed off.

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 04/12/2011 19:37

The husband sounds awful. You should make sure your friend realises it's not normal or acceptable for him to assume that looking after their DCs is her responsibility or to harass her by text when he's agreed to do it for once in a blue moon.

fedupofnamechanging · 04/12/2011 19:43

I don't think that anyone with dc has a right to go out whenever they want, because they are expecting the partner to do their share of the child care. It needs to be agreed, not one person just deciding what they want and expecting the other to cover their responsibilities. Instead, both should have the same entitlement to child free time.

That said, once you are out, it's wrong for the partner to keep badgering until the person who is out, feels so bad that they go home. That's controlling and horrible. There was no point in your friend being out if she wasn't allowed to enjoy it.

abirdinthehand · 04/12/2011 19:48

Agree that DH should not see 'babysitting' as a chore - it's not really babysitting when it's your own kids is what I mean. But I think evenings out do affect both partners - there is stuff to be done at home usually, and the kids to settle, and with a 2 month old feeds etc, and I would feel uncomfortable leaving my DH in that situation a lot - and he would feel the same vice versa. We both recognise the other has worked hard all day (him in the office, me with the kids) and deserves some time of, but we're always more concerned with the OTHER getting the time off, not ourselves if you see what I man. I think it's hard to tell from your OP if your friend is in a situation like mine when I might not go out because of love for my DH, or whether he is in fact a controlling idiot who does not LET her out.

I guess you know him and her a lot better than you can sum up in 1 post, so your reading of the situation may well be the right one. But just seeing it summarised like that is ambiguous - it could be either.

Original poster
MistyMountainHop · 05/12/2011 08:11

Instead, both should have the same entitlement to child free time

i think thats what i was trying to say Blush sorry!

and her DH is always off doing whatever the hell he wants with no regard for her. and as i said he does sweet fuck all with the kids when he is around anyway.

OP posts:
aldiwhore · 05/12/2011 08:37

I have a friend like this. I've mentioned this problem once to her and she threw a hissy fit and wouldn't speak to me for weeks, she was right to do so, it wasn't my business. I have however asked that she doesn't moan to me about him and if she's not prepared to turn her phone off/put it on silent and if she carries on texting her DH throughout the evening she mustn't moan or she'll get the sharp end of my tongue.

You see, I used to think he was a possessive arse, but now I think she feeds this unreasonable behaviour... she doesn't trust him to be dad, she criticises everything he does, when she goes out she returns and slates everything he's done, so his response is to text her when she's out asking what the right way is before he does anything. She has the control in the relationship.

I have also told her that the reason just the two of us don't go out is because I don't enjoy being at the mercy of texts.

It may not be the same for your friend, maybe her DH is really an arse.

As for 'dumping' the kids with dad... WTF? Just like Dads DO NOT BABYSIT! But I can understand the 'twice in one week', I wouldn't go out twice in one week, neither would DH. But that's just us and money!

Bramshott · 05/12/2011 09:13

I would normally be very Hmm at this, but if this is a breastfed 2 month old we're talking about, she probably has a point.

TandB · 05/12/2011 09:30

I don't actually see too much of an issue with what she said. There may well be other factors that make it more of a big deal than it seems on the face of it, but based on the scenario in the OP, it seems like a simple, throwaway comment.

DP and I don't go out a lot on our own, other than for work functions, but we are both quite happy for the other one to do so. But when this next baby arrives I probably wouldnt feel comfortable going out on my own twice in a week and leaving him with two small children, any more than he would feel happy doing the same to me. We try to both be there as much as possible simply because it makes life easier.

There is also the possibility that if this 2 month old is breastfed, the texts were from a parent frantically trying to find out when the sole source of food was returning because he had a screaming baby on his hands!

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 05/12/2011 09:58

I imagine the reason she doesnt want to go is because her DH is a grumpy arse, probably hates it when she goes out (hence all the annoying phonecalls) and he probably sulks for days as punishment for her going out,.....she probably cant be arsed with all the hassle and opts for an easier life. I personally dont believe it has anything to do with BF, mutual respect or not wanting to leave a 2 month old.

But then, I can be very cynical Wink

However, YANBU and more fool her, she should nip it in the bud now before he becomes a total control freak!

WorraLiberty · 05/12/2011 10:02

It's certainly not the sort of relationship I would want to be in

But having said that, it's not your place to criticise.

I'm sure if she held your relationship under a microscope, certain things about you/your DH would piss her off too.

redskyatnight · 05/12/2011 10:33

Dh and I tend to avoid going out more than once a week in the early evening. We are both perfectly capable of managing with getting both children sorted and to bed but it is much easier with 2 - and much nicer for the children (who get 1 on 1 time). I'd probably refuse a 2nd "jolly" in such a short space of time (unless both were really really important to me).

Original poster
MistyMountainHop · 05/12/2011 15:44

and no the baby isnt BF

OP posts:
wordfactory · 05/12/2011 15:51

I'm going to b ehonest and sau that when DC were two months old I would not have left them with DH and gone out. But nor would he have left me and gone out.

Bonsoir · 05/12/2011 15:56

I agree with wordfactory - when DD was two months old, I didn't want to go out in the evening without her and I found it quite difficult explaining that to (well meaning) friends who wanted me to go out and about!