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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my mil is hypocritical?

43 replies

Moulesfrites · 04/12/2011 17:20

Ok this is my third post about my mil this weekend following her visit, she riled me just a little and am prepared to be told that I am being oversensitive, but I just keep getting annoyed about this. I am coming to the end of a year of mat leave, going back full time in jan. dh and I were discussing Xmas nights out. I have three to go to, two are with groups of friends I have made on mat leave and one is my normal work night out. When mil heard this she tutted and said to dh "eee, she's not even working and is going on all those nights out".

This follows on from a few weeks ago and dh's uncle asked how I was finding being back at work and mil butted in, "she isn't even back yet". Now I know some people consider a year to be a long time off, but mil gave up work when she had dh 30 years ago, and so if her own logic applied presumably would never have been out in that time. Also, her two other dils don't work, one is a sahm and the other is, in her own words, a "happy housewife" with no Dcs Hmm. I can't imagine mil making such comments to them, but I appear to be fair game, even though I do work!

I have been seething over this, aibu?

OP posts:
Mum1369 · 04/12/2011 17:22

Yanbu, it's her darling son of course. You should simply be there to attend to his every whim and not be out enjoying yourself. Did no one tell you this?!

Alouisee · 04/12/2011 17:24

Yanbu but I think you might mean HyperCritical?

ToldYaSo · 04/12/2011 17:25

what does it matter who does what, who did what and why concern yourself with everybody elses arrangements

all you need to concentrate on is your own business

callmemrs · 04/12/2011 17:26

Sounds as though she's jealous that you have a career and a social life. In her defence (trying to be charitable here!) many women of previous generations never had the choices available to women now, so it may be that there's deep seated frustration at not having achieved goals , even if shes not consciously aware of it. But your best bet is to smile loftily, say yes, isn't it great to have a good social life and ignore any comments!

troisgarcons · 04/12/2011 17:27

I think, some people are set in their ways. If she had her DC 30 years ago, that would make her round the 50-55 mark? A lot of my friends are that age, but they have always worked. But then we went off into the work place in the 70's and 80's and we were "expected" to "have it all" - a career, a family, be financially independent. Having said that, all my friends from that era were City women and it would no more have occurred to any of us to stay at home that it would have occured to a cat not to chase a mouse.

But if you go back slighly earlier than that, my friends who are 60+ were all SAHMs who might have got a "pin money job" at some point once they had waved their children off to uni.

My MIL always used to make little snides about working mothers and tried every underhand deceitful trick in the book tomake me pack up work.

Your MIL is going to be a tail-end baby-boomer and as your post points out - didnt have to work, but things just arent like that now.

Mum1369 · 04/12/2011 17:27

Well no, doesn't she mean her MIL is being hypocritical having one rule for herself and daughters and another for her DIL?

ImperialBlether · 04/12/2011 17:27

I would have wanted to clock her one! Your husband should have said, "Do you think that means she should never go out, Mother?"

TheCrackFox · 04/12/2011 17:30

I think you should just concentrate on ignoring her.

Pandemoniaa · 04/12/2011 17:38

I'd ignore the nonsense if I were you. For sure, I wouldn't let this sort of comment bother you in the slightest. My (former) MIL was a great one for little pronouncements "in my day we didn't expect to be a size 8", "in my day we didn't let children rule the roost", "in my day we stayed home bitter, twisted and jealous of anyone who had a career", "in my day we didn't do all this gallivanting once we'd had children"... etc., etc.

Some people are like this. They don't have to be MILS and neither do they have to have had their children 30 years ago (as I did as it happens) but the best way to deal with them is to treat their little digs as if they'd never been made. Oh, and to privately take the piss out of them.

slavetofilofax · 04/12/2011 17:41

YANBU to be irritated, but as her opinion is clearly shite, yabu to give it any credit.

lisylisylou · 04/12/2011 17:47

bollocks to her comments. You concentrate on yourself and enjoy your nights out. You're obviously a lovely person otherwise you wouldn't have those invites. You need a break from the kids - don't worry about it

homefries · 04/12/2011 17:51

I can empathise with you as I have MIL making remarks constantly and I have learnt not to take it to heart.In the past we've had some full blown arguments but as time gone on I've learnt to just ignore the comments.I think they feel threatened by us to some extent!lol!

ImperialBlether · 04/12/2011 17:55

You know what's going to happen, though, don't you? Once you're back at work and earning again, she'll be bitching about her other DILs every time they spend some of her sons' money.

You won't be able to win either way.

Mum1369 · 04/12/2011 18:09

Imperials right, you aren't ever going to win. So you really shouldn't let yourself get worked up. She's not saying these things because they are true( or even that she thinks they are true) she is just saying them to have a pop at you - if you were doing the opposite she would still find a stick to beat you with. I'd just smile and nod and say something vaguely encouraging or change the subject completely. You could amuse yourself of ever increasingly bizarre conversation changes which bear no relevance to what she is nattering on about

Original poster
Moulesfrites · 04/12/2011 19:04

Thank you, the replies have helped me find some perspective! I think it could be a generational thing but, she is only in her 50s. She is a couple of years younger than my mum who has always worked. So i do find her attitude a little odd. She has a strange mix of pity and disapproval for working women. Once she asked my mum if she worked Saturdays (she has her own v successful retail business) and when she said yes she tutted and shook her head!

OP posts:
LydiaWickham · 04/12/2011 19:17

she's the first generation that really had a choice of working or being a SAHM, so she probably feels a little defensive.

I'd start killing her with kindness, lots of "gosh yes, isn't DH a great hands on dad? He really does see raising DC as a joint responsibility and we should have the same amount of free time. It's so lovely to know DC will have such a close relationship with their Daddy."

Bewilderedmum · 04/12/2011 19:37

Oh Moules frites - I could tell you loads of similar comments from my MIL who was like a triffid - she'd wait till everyone was out of the room and therefore blind, and make some really stinging comments - sometimes she just wouldn't bother waiting...

Once, when I was overdue with ds1, she phoned to see if I had had it yet (erm..no.. if I had, I would have happens phoned her, but still, she meant well was completely impatient ) I said to her that no, I was still here, and although I wasn't exactly looking forward to labour, was keen to get the baby born and meet him/her.

Pause" Oh but yes - it will be much worse for ExDh (her son) than it will be for you, cos he has to see you in all that pain - don't you agree it will be much worse for Ex-Dh - dont you?..."

At this point, Ex-Dh - bless him - could see my eyes widening, my nostrils flaring, and my brain formulating an unsavoury response. He leapt across the room, snatched the phone off me, and said "Heelloooo mum!"

I could tell you so many stories, but my pooter would crash! On the subject of your MIL - it will drive you demented, if you let it (I had the going back to work thing too) not sure what the answer is - except to anticipate what she might say to any given scenario, gird your loins, be bright, pleasant and convinced in your plans - and whinge like fuck debrief afterwards - to a lesser degree with her son, but save the worst of it for others...

You won't change her, or her fuckwittage opinions - all you can do is ameliorate your own response to them

Courage mes braves....

Original poster
Moulesfrites · 05/12/2011 08:36

I know I need to develop a thicker skin and not let her little digs get to me. I feel as if I am always holding my tongue whereas she doesn't care what she says and how it comes across.

OP posts:
diddl · 05/12/2011 08:42

"whereas she doesn't care what she says and how it comes across."

But what do people think of her for it?

I know holding your tongue can be annoying-but I´d rather do that than be like MIL!

Original poster
Moulesfrites · 05/12/2011 08:43

Well she does have a habit of tutting and eye rolling which has pissed a few people off, but she and fil seem oblivious to it.

OP posts:
diddl · 05/12/2011 09:10

And I agree to a thicker skin-I can´t think how much time/energy I wasted thinking about what MIL had said/done-replaying/analysing visitsBlush

Then it dawned on me what a waste it was & that she never gave her actions/conversations-or mine-a second thought!

And quite often it was just conversation & not intended to offend.

TheLastChocolate · 05/12/2011 10:07

Ignore.

Is the only way to make it through life without sparking off at her and causing a family row.

I just nod and smile now, makes my visits to MIL much more bearable.

Original poster
Moulesfrites · 05/12/2011 10:12

I know people keep saying ignore, and I have done, but a small part of me wants to say something. I want her to know that she has upset me and that she is rude! Does this make me a bad person?

OP posts:
shaketheshame · 05/12/2011 10:19

I hear ya ! bring back the truffle

TroublesomeEx · 05/12/2011 10:26

Oh just tell her to fuck off.

(And I NEVER swear!!)

She is rude. She's petty and jealous. Unfortunately, she'll probably just raise her eyebrows and smirk if you say anything (I have such a lovely image of her!!) She's trying to wind you up and get under your skin. Don't let her and don't, whatever you do, let her know she's upset you.

Say nothing and smile sweetly. That'll annoy her waaaaay more!