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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my mil is hypocritical?

43 replies

Moulesfrites · 04/12/2011 17:20

Ok this is my third post about my mil this weekend following her visit, she riled me just a little and am prepared to be told that I am being oversensitive, but I just keep getting annoyed about this. I am coming to the end of a year of mat leave, going back full time in jan. dh and I were discussing Xmas nights out. I have three to go to, two are with groups of friends I have made on mat leave and one is my normal work night out. When mil heard this she tutted and said to dh "eee, she's not even working and is going on all those nights out".

This follows on from a few weeks ago and dh's uncle asked how I was finding being back at work and mil butted in, "she isn't even back yet". Now I know some people consider a year to be a long time off, but mil gave up work when she had dh 30 years ago, and so if her own logic applied presumably would never have been out in that time. Also, her two other dils don't work, one is a sahm and the other is, in her own words, a "happy housewife" with no Dcs . I can't imagine mil making such comments to them, but I appear to be fair game, even though I do work!

I have been seething over this, aibu?

OP posts:

Original poster

Moulesfrites · 05/12/2011 10:45

I think what annoyed me more is that on both occasions the comments have been directed towards other people - dh and his uncle and not to me, She obviously has some sort of completely illogical problem about me being off work but wont say anything directly to me about it.

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TroublesomeEx · 05/12/2011 10:51

She's just trying to assert her authority with you in a VERY passive aggressive way.

Can't your DH just say "yeah so?" "and your point is?" "sorry, I don't get the problem with that?" or something and force her to explain or shut up. The problem is that when some people are ignored, they just take that as a licence to carry on.

I think your DH needs to be the one to stand up to her though. Not you.

My MIL and I have very different standards and ideas and when I have expressed them, it was clear that she believed I was pulling DH's strings and he went along with my 'funny ideas' to keep me happy because I was such a harridan! DH started challenging some of her comments (rather than ignoring them) and now, whilst she still thinks we have some 'funny ideas', she at least knows they are ours and not mine and she's a bit less vocal about it!

Might that help?

TroublesomeEx · 05/12/2011 10:52

It sounds like she still very much regards him as her little boy who needs protecting, rather than a married man with his own family and mind!

Original poster

Moulesfrites · 05/12/2011 11:13

Yes, think I will have to speak to dh about him responding like that, or maybe I could just look at her puzzled and wide eyed and say "what do you mean?".

We are spending a week away with them next week so need some strategies!

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TroublesomeEx · 05/12/2011 11:29

Yeah. I think I would get DH to say something rather than you. If it were me of course!

With my MIL, I felt that everytime my DH didn't overtly side with me, she took it as siding with her by default. Taking sides isn't really the image I want to convey, but hopefully you understand what I mean. You husband standing up to her to support you will derail her.

She needs to know that her son will not tolerate her speaking to/about his wife disrespectfully. It did make a big difference to us. My MIL and I have a good relationship now (she has told him she sees me as the daughter she never had and doesn't say that about her other DIL!). I still disagree with a lot of her ideas, and I'm sure that this must mean she disagrees with mine/ours, but there is respect there now, which is what you don't have.

Good luck for next week!!

diddl · 05/12/2011 11:45

Why is what she´s saying upsetting you?

From the examples in your post I can see that she is having little digs, but imo nothing worth bothering about.

It sounds as if she likes to get her opinion in/let everyone know that she knows what is going on in your lives-will your husband pulling her up on it make a difference?

Is it worth the fuss it might cause?

TroublesomeEx · 05/12/2011 11:47

Listening to "little digs" can be pretty wearing after a while though. Especially when they are said in front of many members of the family and no one is challenging it.

In marriages, we're told these 'little digs' are emotional abuse.

I'm also guessing that the OP is providing us with a snapshot and not a comprehensive account of everything that is being said/done.

Xmasbaby11 · 05/12/2011 11:48

She sounds like a killjoy! What's the connection anyway between working and going out?

TroublesomeEx · 05/12/2011 11:49

I think she's probably suggesting that the OP is spending her husband's money !

diddl · 05/12/2011 12:04

I know it can be wearing.

I just find it easier to not take it on board.

OP doesn´t intend to change her way of life due to anything MIL says, so part of me thinks-don´t bother to give any thought to it.

I notice the thing about going out was said to OPs husband-what did he say in return for example?

DeliaSucksStollen · 05/12/2011 12:07

Haven't read OP properly, but if it's MIL related then Y most definitely ANBU!

TroublesomeEx · 05/12/2011 12:10

@ Delia!

Original poster

Moulesfrites · 05/12/2011 12:49

Another factor that I haven't really gone into is other sil, the childless sil who doesn't work. She graduated 2.5 years ago and has made no attempt to look for work in this time. Bil was out of work for a while too, so pil were basically finding them, paid rent, bills all other expenses for a while. Now bil has a job, albeit not a well paid one and pil still help them out. The thing is, the fact that sil does not work is a completely tabboo topic. If anyone gently suggests that she might like to look for work, pil immediately leap to her defence and the whole conversation is cut short. I don't understand why this is so out of bounds, but mil thinks it is ok to make judgemental comments about my work and finances. I suspect there might be more going on with sil though, that we are not privy to, because I can't understand why they are so defensive about her.

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Original poster

Moulesfrites · 05/12/2011 12:49

Funding

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Pandemoniaa · 05/12/2011 12:55

Sorry to disagree about first generation working mothers but my own mother worked (in the Stock Exchange as it happens) throughout my childhood as did her mother who was head teacher of a village school. We are talking about the 1950s/1960s and 1930s here, by the way! I grew up to expect to do similarly since the one thing valued above all in our family was independent women!

That my former MIL appeared to exist only to be a rather virulent moral compass was all about character and was not generational. Because some people are just plain bitter and complaining, regardless of the circumstances.

Original poster

Moulesfrites · 05/12/2011 20:04

i was talking to my friend about this today and she thought maybe mil meant it in kind of jokey ironic way, trying to establish a bit of solidarity between us as in "we're both kept women now, isn't it lovely!" but I don't think that is what she was getting at!

The moment has passed for me or DH to day anything now, hasn't it? Do I just need to come up with some retorts for next time?

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LydiaWickham · 05/12/2011 20:25

Well, what I meant Pandemoniaa - is when my older brother (in his mid 30s) was born, my mum just missed getting maternity leave, before that you got 6 weeks and then had to be back at your desk or resign. When MIL had DH she was told that once she got to 6 months pregnant she had to leave work because she was a 'safety risk' (she worked in a bank, hardly maunal labour) and it was reasonable to ask woman to resign at that point. (Again, early 70's)

Woman who had their first DCs a year or so later than my mum were the first ones who really had the maternity leave rights and therefore were the first to be a large group to return to work, it wasn't the occasional 'unusual' woman to return to work.

Add into this, her DD's lack of a job, and you see a woman who might be feeling defensive about her lack of career and her DD's lack of career.

OP's ability to have a good job highlights her DD (and possibly her own!) lack of career and even if OP doens't mean to judge, MIL might feel defensive about her own situation if she thinks you think less of her/her DD because they haven't worked.

Also, if you've been "that career woman" her DS is married to whereas she was a 'motherly type' to see you managing to do both could be hard for her to accept as you are (without meaning to) pointing out both are possible.

View the snide comments are more she's feeling insecure about her own life choices. She's getting the first shot in first before you say something that makes feel like she's made bad choices/her DD has made bad choices.

Talk to your DH about pulling his mother up on these comments, even just asking her to explain it might embarrass her into stopping.

Original poster

Moulesfrites · 06/12/2011 16:00

That is interesting Lydia I hadn't considered that she might feel that way at all.

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