To be upset by my mum... again

[LadyWord]

I have such an awkward and problematic relationship with my mum I can't see the wood for the trees but - is this normal? I know it's trivial but I think it's getting to me in a last straw kind of a way.

She asked me what I wanted for christmas - I have said in the past I'd be happy not to have xmas presents for adults, but she ignored me, now I just play along. I mentioned some posh boden woolly socks and sent her a link (the kind of thing I love, but are a bit too £££ to buy myself, but a reasonable amount for a christmas present judging by previous experience).

She emailed back that she couldn't get me them because "personally I don't find them attractive so you can get them for yourself" and offering something else.

Oh god I sound so petty but it makes me want to cry. It's not about the present, not at all, I'd be happy with no present - it's just the years of her thinking that she's so caring and fab while actually being totally self-centred and giving not a shit about how anyone else really feels.

For chrissakes I have got her presents I knew she wanted or had asked for, that I thought were vile, but that's not the point surely?

There is HUGE backstory to all this and things are coming to a head at the moment. There's a family situation I can't go into for fear of it being recognised (legal issues) and my mum is doing my nut in.

If this is the most trivial whinge you've ever heard just ignore me!

PS. Like the OP, it's not the actual present - it's the attitude behind it and the hurtful words that drives me crazy

Lady Word; I think your mum appears to need to make an impact; it could be that she is scared that a gift of 'socks' could be used as evidence of meanness or of her not caring. There seems to be a rigidity and lack of fun, as if underneath the giving of a presents between you exists risk. You have outlined feelings which suggest that you may feel that you're always in a no-win position with mum; if that is true, then you could have picked that up in your life from her own appearance or fear of being in a no-win position - where she may 'fret' about how something will be received (this, even if she appears cold to your requests and needs). It could be that mum not only worries what you will think and say, but what the world will think of her - as if it is a test. All in all, this may be a pretty tense place for the two of you to be. I might try with words like this. 'Mum, however large, however small your gift to me, if will be valued - whatever it is, I promise it will be warmly received and that it will mean a lot to me, because it is from you'. In short Lady Word, it feels like someone needs to be the soother of anxiety here. It's nice when mums can do it, but some never had it shown to them - you may have to mother her!

The 'we have such a good relationship' fiction is horrific.
I've been doing what Mum1369 suggests for the past couple of years, and it has worked, but tbh my mother is wrong-headed and weak, not in the same place as your mum (and not as insistent with me, either). But 'more detachment, on the quiet' is good advice I think. Especially if things are hard and the little things are upsetting you. I want to say 'never ever contact her again and tell her precisely why' but it's never that easy.
Big hug from me xx

LadyWord I think that sounds like a horrid email, why ask if you are then going to criticize the gift?! My brother asked me for a very obscure and downright odd book last year, but I still looked it up on Amazon, sourced a copy out of the country.

I'm sorry, I don't think it's up to you to soothe her whatsoever. I would distance yourself, that's what I've done with a similar self-indulgent relative and it's much easier, I'm polite, chat on the phone, nod my head and see them the minimum amount. I hope you can ignore her and enjoy your family life, it sounds like your DP is very protective over you and rightly so.

ladyword all my life I had been doing a dance round my mum. Trying not to upset her etc. A month ago I stood firm when she went off on one of her normal rants about christmas. The consequence to this was that she said some unforgivable things to me, things a mother should never say to their child. However, it freed me enormously. I no longer longed for a mother I never had and I could just get on with things.
I really miss the fact that I don't have a supportive mother. But she is what she is. I don't want much to do with her. However I have to speak every now and again for the dc's sake.\KNow the beast you're dealing with and accept it, it makes life easier but it's a bloody hard thing to do xxx

OP just wanted to say that I fully understand what you're going through, and know it's not a trivial matter. I really wanted my mother to stop giving Advent calendars to various children on my behalf this year as I don't choose them, don't pay them and don't see them, yet I'm supposed to send labels to put on them as they are "from me". Like your problem it's all about control. My mother actually ASKED me this year if I wanted her to give them out, and I said "NO". 5 mins of emotional blackmail later she told me she was going to give them out on my behalf. I was gobsmacked, but what could I do? So I've got a thank you card from the children for something I had no input or choice in.

At least I've managed to persuade her not to put my name on presents any more. I think. However, this has resulted in me having to spend money on people I wouldn't choose to really, but at least I have control back. Until the next thing.

LadyintheWater, I do see your point but that's just it - I have been mothering her all my life. I've been patronised, insulted, blamed and had all sorts of crap dumped on me, while all the time having to be the emotionally strong support and lynchpin of the family. It's only now that I'm really seeing that I don't have to do that.

Bigbuttons as you say it's about facing up to want you don't and never will have - it's painful. And I'm so annoyed that I didn't face up to it earlier instead of in my flipping 40s!

Thanks to others too. This has really helped. I have been reading more about NPD/narcissistic mothers and although it's not always exactly her, it generally is - and it helps me to feel more detached.

For now I'm just sitting on the socks email.

My Mum often buys me things that someon ehwo has never met me might choose.
A very fancy negligee (we live in the oldest draftiest house ever).
A leather case containg a manicure set (I have a weekly manicure and have done for six years. She knows this.)
A pair of italian leather gloves covered in bows and detailing (I am a very clean lines person).

Conversations often go like this.
Mum: What would you like for xmas?
Me: How about some new wellies.
Mum: [wrinkles nose] I've seen a wonderful suspender belt in La Senza.

ladyword yes it hurts like hell.
When I recently stood up to my mum (and she said awful things to me, and they were awful, they even made my counsellor wince). even though it hurt I had always known what she said to be the truth, however unpalatable even as a child. But all my life I had hoped that really she did love me more than she loved herself and that I mattered as an individual and not merely as an extension of her.
it turns out as a narc she is incapable of loving as healthy people love. I am reading a great book on narcissism( which I've lost) which is really helping to explain how their mind works and is helping me to feel less in pain by the whole business.
Hugs to you and I know how bloody awful it is x