To be upset by my mum... again

[LadyWord]

I have such an awkward and problematic relationship with my mum I can't see the wood for the trees but - is this normal? I know it's trivial but I think it's getting to me in a last straw kind of a way.

She asked me what I wanted for christmas - I have said in the past I'd be happy not to have xmas presents for adults, but she ignored me, now I just play along. I mentioned some posh boden woolly socks and sent her a link (the kind of thing I love, but are a bit too £££ to buy myself, but a reasonable amount for a christmas present judging by previous experience).

She emailed back that she couldn't get me them because "personally I don't find them attractive so you can get them for yourself" and offering something else.

Oh god I sound so petty but it makes me want to cry. It's not about the present, not at all, I'd be happy with no present - it's just the years of her thinking that she's so caring and fab while actually being totally self-centred and giving not a shit about how anyone else really feels.

For chrissakes I have got her presents I knew she wanted or had asked for, that I thought were vile, but that's not the point surely?

There is HUGE backstory to all this and things are coming to a head at the moment. There's a family situation I can't go into for fear of it being recognised (legal issues) and my mum is doing my nut in.

If this is the most trivial whinge you've ever heard just ignore me!

Sorry you've had the same thing VF. The thing is I tend to avoid confrontation because I can't bear the emotional scenario and self-pity/aggression that follows. she's thick-skinned in that she won't think for a second that she might be in the wrong - but she gets very angry about criticism and blames me or whoever is involved. No matter how outrageously she behaves, if someone else doesn't like it it's because they have something wrong with them!

See I can rant on endlessly... [ blush]

Rude to ask what you'd like and then ignore it. Is it worth calling her bluff and saying "I know you wouldn't wear them, but you did ask what I'd like and that would be the best present that you could get for me" ?

I get it OP - mine buys me gifts like she just met me yesterday. That is what bothers me, it's not the gift per, but the lack of thought IYKWIM.

She has bought me cooking implements and cook books every year since I was a teenager despite the fact that I HATE cooking. One year I told old her outright to stop buying me Cooking stuff, I don't use it and I hate cooking (which is a widely known fact). She told me I SHOULD like to cook and has proceeded to continue to carry on with it anyway . The truth is she likes to cook and has no interest in my interests finding them trivial.

Oh dear. Not trivial at all. It must be very hard to have a mum who is so nasty. Have you seen the Stately Homes thread in Relationships?

Sorry , pressed post too early. It's a support thread for people with difficult parents - mostly narcissistic parents, which sounds like your mother.

Jamie I've seen stately homes threads and I think I had a classic "stately homes" type childhood. I just haven't dipped my toe in yet although I have posted about family issues before. It's mainly that I'm occasional poster (often too busy) so don't really do mn groups in that way, but I should.

No, I understand. It's interesting that you identify. It must be very hard, feeling it's not you, it's her, but having those doubts when something happens like you describe in your OP.

OP YASoooooNBU. My mum is a diamonds-furs-leopard-print-sequins type and I am absolutely not. Last year I asked her for some trackie bottoms and some utterly non-glam pjs and she bought them for me, of course, even though I know she would have been muttering and grumbling to herself all the way to the till!

She did also get me a couple of glam tops that have gone to charity because she still thinks I'll like them when I'm older (I'm 40 next year!).

Do Boden do vouchers??

I don't know the back story, but I that as kids we always learned to express a liking for the things Mum liked so she would get them for us, rather than trying to persuade her on something she didn't like and not getting anything. Even now, my Mum will happily by the kids clothes or something for me, but wouldn't dream of buying something that didn't fit the requirements she sets.

I caught myself doing hte same thing - daughter liked a top, I thought it was tacky and cheap looking... I got it for her because I knew I didn't want to be my Mum :-)

I don't think your mum meant to be really offensive, sounds like a similar situation to me. I have to buy a Twilight gift for someone for Xmas and I fecking resent paying money for something so awful...

Lady what you have written could be me again long backstory which would out me so not getting into that. I have tried the no presents thing but she refuses. She also no longer does Xmas with us so she is coming down to visit the week before and "wants to take me shopping" even though I have said I don't want anything. This will involve a long traumatic shopping trip where if I even suggest something is nice it will be bought for me so I have learnt not to pass comment. She will then get annoyed because I won't choose anything. If I did ask for something she will use it as manipulation in the future or not buy it because she doesn't like it

Oh my mum is like that too. She's only happy if we all do what she wants. I opted for the easy life and just keep a safe distance and don't expect anything from her (never been disappointed yet!) I just play along and life is far easier, I've cut the emotional attachment (she's not aware of that so I don't have the guilt to deal with). I just treat her like I would an ageing aunt, not getting involved, not being surprised if she's difficult, just go along with what she wants and then go home and forget all about it. It's a win,win really, but accept it's not an easy point to get to

Oh yes mrs snap, the manipulation and constant reminders - whatever presents are exchanged must referred back to for evermore, so she can guilt trip me because she hasn't seen dd wearing something she bought, or because I bought her something and it bobbled, or else she will talk at excruciating length about what things cost to post or the hassle for her at the post office etc etc. Aaaargh! But strangely the no presents option doesn't appeal ...

See it's really just a case of trying to remove the emotion from the equation. You ask her to get you something similar to something she has already got you, ' oh I loved that (awful) nightie you got me last year, something like that would be perfect'. Then you just stick in in the oxfam. For kids, just do the same and then drag it out and stick them in it next time you see her. She will love you and you will have a good laugh about it later. Our loft is full of old crap my parents think is gorgeous and is actually hideous

OK - it sounds like a huge backstory :(

To minimise issues like this though think things through a little (I know you shouldn't have to, but, to make your life easier, just do it). Give her a list with a few things on it - let her choose from that then she can choose the things she thinks are nice/appropriate/whatever and spend what she feels is 'right'. Then you are putting yourself in one less situation that just shows her up for what she is and upsets you.

You aren't going to change her, all you can do is limit the affect it has on you :( & vent on here where you are well understood!!!

There was a thread about a month or so ago about the things that people's mum's did that annoyed them - you really aren't alone.

Slight hijack - sorry - VFVF - could you ask your mum to give you a really beautiful shawl, that you could use as a breastfeeding cover? Might she go for that, and would you like that?

SDT...do you own a shawl making company?!

No - I was just trying to make a helpful suggestion.

Mum1369 I know you are right. I have done that to an extent - I keep my distance emotionally, I've stopped having phone chats so I don't get sucked in, I lie to her a lot just to keep her happy. I laugh a lot of it off and I think the sock issue is something I actually would laugh off normally. But then something will catch me off-guard, and I'm so annoyed with myself for that, because I should know better.

I think it's current issues that are dragging a whole lot of stuff up, and as LaPrune says, the matter of presents always seems to make it feel worse.

If you've got other stuff going on in the background then it's natural that something relatively minor will make you sad/irritated, because it just reinforces the fact that you do not and cannot have the relationship you would have liked/ needed to have with the person that could be closest and nurturing. Don't be too hard on yourself, but I think it sounds like you have to come to terms with the fact that she is not the person you want her to be,and she never will be. You will have to get the emotional closeness from elsewhere.
SDT..sorry, was being flippant, just a joke

OP your mum is a narc, you do know that?

Narc presents are all about the giver not the receiver, please bare that in mind.
It's shit I know.
My narc mother has never given me anything I really like. It's all way off the mark. She has no clue who I am. Even though she sees what I like, my hobbies etc she has never given me anything remotely relevant or appropriate.

That is what saddens me the most.It's not about the money at all.

This year for my birthday she got me a second hand picnic hamper. She wrapped in a bin liner, no I lie, she lay a bin liner on top because it was too big to wrap or something.
It was covered in dust and smelt of damp. It doesn't have enough place settings for my family and is so heavy you'd need a truck to transport it to ye olde idyllic picnic spot.

I was literally speechless. She on the other hand was over the moon with her find.

She once sent me a professional studio photo of her and her bloody DOGS.
She was very cross when she came round to visit and found it had been usurped from it's pride of place position by (ex)Dp's Kylie calendar

Bb, I know it's sad, but that is really funny! I can just imagine the picture...

OP I so understand how you feel. My MIL is like this with my gorgeous DP. In fact the first time I met her I was so shocked that a mother could actually behave like that, the minute we went in the flat she greeted my DP with "You are fat", no hello, no hug, just sat there with the telly on full blast and said that. She never ever used to buy christmas or birthday presents and she is my DPs only living relative.

Anyway, years have passed and my MIL is now quite ill and now lives close to us. I have been caring for her for the past 2 years and it has been one of the most challenging things I have ever done. However, I have found that although it has been incredibly hard for my DP to challenge her mum I am able to do it because i don't have that sort of horrible emotional stuff going on. It has improved matters no end. If my MIL insults my DP I do not tolerate it anymore, I stand up to her and MIL actually apologises.

I know this isn't the same as your situation exactly but I just wondered if you had a DH or a DP that might be able to step in and help you out a bit. I really do feel for you, in the past few years I have witnessed how deeply upsetting and frustrating it can be to have a parent that is so unkind and self centered.

Bigbuttons yes this is all so familiar. I have hear about NPD and it does fit but I suppose I've been reluctant to just "decide" that's what it is, maybe thinking well SOMETIMES she can be nice, or maybe it's not all that bad, etc. But recent events are making me see things a bit more clearly I think.

Your hamper and photo stories are funny, yet (although they don't match my experiences exactly) so depressingly spot-on. My mum was recently on about putting photos of herself in with (toddler) DD's xmas present so DD could think about her and recognise her next time she visits. I have and DP and the DC have had more "hamper"-type presents than I can count. I am a creative professional, successful and with published work - my mum is never interested in what I produce, never even looks at it, yet she is always giving me her fecking dire poetry to read and expecting me to be interested. Even better if it's about some excruciating/inapproapriate topic. And so on and so on.

Cherries my DP bloody hates her not to put too fine a point on it, and has stood up to her nonsense, but it always turns into a row. She cannot really see that criticism might imply she might be in the wrong and that she might consider apologising. Anyone saying anything merely means she is being unreasonably attacked.

Still he is very supportive and helps me a lot. He made an effort to keep her updated during my first labour and birth, and she was so unsupportive and hurtful (eg blaming my poor preparation for me having problems), that the second time round we conspired to lie to her about the date and not tell her anything until after the birth. Things like that.

Thank you all, I think I just do need to sound things out a bit and let some of this out.

She should get to know my Mum who every year tells me she is only going to get my dd something small because she will have too many presents. This Mum then buys every other member of the family something big like a Kindle etc etc and gets my dd a DVD or a colouring book.
My Mum has loads of money and my dd has no contact with her father or any of his family so she already gets say half the presents the average child gets and my side of the family is very small, so honestly she gets about ten small presents tops in total.
This year I told my Mum it was up to her to get what she wanted for my dd and if she wanted to get something small, then fine, but to stop saying "because she has SO many presents" because it's just not true. I asked her to go through who these very many present givers might be and she could only get up to four!!!