DH or me being unreasonable? Long-sorry!

[littlepie]

I need some outside perspective to see if IABU or if DH is.

Some background-I have 12month DD, am 6 months pregnant and this week have been in agony with a prolapsed disc. I have been signed off work for a month and have only today have been able to go to the loo unaided (proud smile).

My parents live very near and have been a godsend. However, after a week of looking after me and DD all day they are really tired (and my DM has a chest infection herself). DH took 3 days off during the previous week to look after me as they had been away. DH also works 5.5 days a week and doesn't get home until 6.30 so they have really been doing everything for me. Also because of his working hours DH doesn't really do that much at home usually. I also work FT but do the washing, shopping and we have a cleaner. If I need DH to do anything I have to constantly remind him.

So last night DH goes out to do his weekly hobby. He asked me if I wanted him not to go, to which I replied I'm not going to tell you what to do. I did want him to stay with me but didn't want to have to tell him to and felt he should have had the sensitivity and common sense too see that I needed him. Maybe this was stupid of me?

It's DH Dad's birthday today. DH said he was popping over after work to see him. This was fine (they live about 1.5 hrs away). I am in too much pain to travel this far so agreed to stay at home. When I spoke to his Dad earlier he said he, MIL, SIL, BIL & DH were all going out for a meal.

We had planned for PIL to come over for lunch tomorrow, earlier in the week as it's also DD birthday on Monday. However, we decided not to do this as I didn't really want SIL coming (as she has only seen DD twice since she has been born). DH refused to not invite SIL.

So AIBU to be pissed off that I have been left alone while DH goes out for a meal? And AIBU to think that DH wasn't prepared to offend SIL by not asking her to lunch but is happy to offend me by excluding me and DD?

There is history with PIL. They are thoughtless and insensitive at times and this has led to conflict between me and DH. He has turned this into a "you hate my parents" which it isn't, I just feel let down by him.

I've also got to go to hospital next week about my back and a scan for baby and he's just leaving me to go with my parents. I love them and have no one else to take me but I really want my DH to take me. AIBU?

Sorry it's so long but I know this will kick off when DH comes home and I need to know if I'm at fault.

Sorry it's so long too.

YANBU, I think your DH is being a bit thoughtless, but it's probably magnified for you as you have been unwell with your back so are probably feeling a bit low

Ok so his crimes are:

1. Taking three days off to look after you when you're ill
2. Trusting your parents to take care of you and their grand child - I assume they're retired or semi-retired?
3. Working hard to provide a decent standard of living for his family
4. Consulting you before going out to do a regular, scheduled activity
5. Visiting his parents for his Dad's birthday
6. Inviting his family to spend time with him and his family for their grand daughter/neice's first birthday

Sorry, I think you're being VU!

purple- good to have a different point of view- that's why I posted! But the way I feel is he's taking the piss and leaving my elderly and ill parents to do what he should be doing as my husband and just going off to do what he wants when I'm in pain and immobile.

Well, he's not excluding you. You have both decided you can't travel that far for your FILs birthday due to your back.

And you are offending SIL by excluding her from your DDs birthday because she has only seen her twice. That number's not going to increase if you won't let her near the child!

Look, you are pregnant, in pain, knackered...they are all very valid reasons for being unreasonable! Just don't lose perspective. It sounds like everyone is doing the best they can through a difficult time.

And if your husband isn't pulling his weight in the house that's a wider issue and you are not being unreasonable about that.

You said you didnt mind him going to see his parents, and you were too ill to travel. Why do you object to him going out for a meal with his family while he is there?

Surely there is more to your dislike of the SIL other than she hasnt seen your child? If not, then I am afraid that sounds a bit unreasonable too.

If you didnt want him to go out the other night, why not say so, rather than saying nothing.

On the basis of that it does sound like you are being unreasonable, but being in pain has probably not helped your mood either.

Are you being paid to be off work ill? Would he be paid to take time off to take you to the hospital? From a practical point of view it makes very little sense for you both to lose a day's pay when your parents are (in his eyes, at least) just as capable.

think yabvu - 1 if you're asked is something ok and its not ok then you should say it , not expect someone else to read ur mind. 2 - you say your parents are doing what is your husbands job - is he supposed to take a month off work too - can you both afford that? 3 - if your wish not to have your sister in law at your dd birthday is just that she's only seen her twice , then you are also being unreasonable in my opinion.

Hope you're better soon

I've also got to go to hospital next week about my back and a scan for baby and he's just leaving me to go with my parents. I love them and have no one else to take me but I really want my DH to take me. AIBU?

Now going to this point.. again it depends how this has been discussed. Have you actually said to him "I would prefer you to take me?". If not, then he may assume you know he has to work, and you are happy to go with your parents.

He has turned this into a "you hate my parents" which it isn't

It reads that way to me. Your comments about his family read as if you really dislike them.

You're ill and in pain, sure you need support, and it sounds as if you have it. It is nobody's fault you're ill. One of you has to work to keep the bills paid etc. Would you like him to sit at home and watch you be ill 24/7 and do nothing else?

So he has left you at home immobile and basically only just able to get to the toilet alone,meaning that your sick elderly mother has to look after you and a 12 month old while he goes out for dinner?
And he didn't discuss this with you first?
He should def have cancelled the meal and his hobby last night!!

If he hurt his back and couldnt move I doubt you'd swan off out for dinner alone even for your dads birthday!

Hmm, I can see why you would want him to be with you whilst you are feeling unwell and you do sound very fed up but I think your DH feels like he is doing the right thing.

He has taken 3 days at home to help and he knows your parents are with you, is he self employed? I know my DH would struggle getting time away from work unless pre arranged holiday.

I think you are being U to expect him not to invite his own sister to his childs first birthday dinner even if she hasn't see your DD - does she leave far away, work FT? I'd need more history before I called you VU of course

Also your parents live very near and are a godsend. His paretns live 1.5 hours away so that's a 23 hour round trip. You undoubtedly see your family more than he sees his because of proximity. They get plently of time with your DD too. But you want to ban his sister from your DD's party becuase she's seen her only twice..... Why has she only seen her twice?

You sound very unreasonable and it does read as if you dislike his family.

^ Sorry 3 hour trip, not 23.

It's really useful hearing other points of view. Thanks!

About him going out tonight- I think I'm so pissed off because I literally cannot do anything myself; get a drink, walk about etc so I do feel he's abandoned me. Maybe if he hadn't gone last night I wouldn't have minded so much. I know people aren't mind readers but if I saw DH in this situation I wouldn't dream of going out and leaving him 2 nights in a row, especially as he said he was just "popping" over.

And no- I don't expect him to take a month off work but I do expect him to do other stuff eg shopping and take over asap when he gets home. I think what some of you have said is right, it's a wider issue about doing stuff at home and this has brought it to the fore.

As for SIL, I feel that she hasn't made the effort to see DD and doesn't "deserve" to be part of the celebrations. I think you're right and IABU about this! Must try and be nicer!

As for SIL, I feel that she hasn't made the effort to see DD and doesn't "deserve" to be part of the celebrations

Ummm yes, you do need to be a bit nicer, because that sounds really spiteful. :(

As for SIL, I feel that she hasn't made the effort to see DD and doesn't "deserve" to be part of the celebrations.

So when she does make the effort to see her you want to ban her as she doesn't deserve it. good lord, SIL can't win based on your comments.

Ok it's MN, I will 'fess up! I do dislike his family because of the way they have treated me. When we met I had an open mind but did have warning bells when he said "it's nice you visit my parents, last girlfriend refused to go and see them after a while." Over time I understand why.

There have been numerous occasions where his mother has been really emotionally manipulative. DH would agree to this. I think this has now coloured my view of contact with them. It's the only think DH and I argue about but it's becoming more and more of a problem.

I think this current situation has left me feeling he has gone out with them rather than being at home supporting me.

Oh and about the hospital- yes, I have said that I would rather he take me and be there especially for the scan and feel that he could have arranged this by asking his boss to change his half day.

Thanks for all the replies though, it's really helping me to think through how DH must see it.

Your right about the scan and he should want to naturally be there.

And he sounds a bit selfish in not helping out at home even when you are fit and well, your both working and will soon have an extra mess maker joing the family so he really needs to get used to helping out.

I don't have a MIL, infact I luckily married an orphan so have no "other" family to deal with but I do think you need to let go over his sister, especially if they don't live near by.

You must feel llike shit and you have my sympathy but I still think you are BU over his family night out and his sister.

@ Sugar's community service.

Ok it's MN, I will 'fess up! I do dislike his family because of the way they have treated me. When we met I had an open mind but did have warning bells when he said "it's nice you visit my parents, last girlfriend refused to go and see them after a while." Over time I understand why.

Don't hold back we need to know these things! In fact, I take everything i said to you back. My first boyfriends parents and even his maternal grandparents were total cunts. Luckily I realsied he was just like them before it had a chance to get serious.

I like the idea of community service!

As for SIl- she hasn't "made the effort". She's visiting as it's her Dad's birthday. I know that she wouldn't visit simply because it's DD birthday. In fact she visited her parents a few weeks and didn't come and see DD. That's what I mean by not making the effort. I don't mind that she doesn't really want a relationship with DD but I do then find it hypocritical to have her at a special celebration.

Does visiting her parents and then visiting you mean another 1.5hr drive to get to you?

I wouldn't do it, I'd have to be invited for a birthday dinner special occasion before driving that distance.

If dinner tomorrow is in place of you and DD being there this evening because you are unwell then SIl really should be invited.

I'd probably just drop the family shit for now and concentrate on getting your DH to pull his weight around the house and get some communication going between you.

Will DH have DD tomorrow so you can rest?