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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH or me being unreasonable? Long-sorry!

39 replies

littlepie · 03/12/2011 19:49

I need some outside perspective to see if IABU or if DH is.

Some background-I have 12month DD, am 6 months pregnant and this week have been in agony with a prolapsed disc. I have been signed off work for a month and have only today have been able to go to the loo unaided (proud smile).

My parents live very near and have been a godsend. However, after a week of looking after me and DD all day they are really tired (and my DM has a chest infection herself). DH took 3 days off during the previous week to look after me as they had been away. DH also works 5.5 days a week and doesn't get home until 6.30 so they have really been doing everything for me. Also because of his working hours DH doesn't really do that much at home usually. I also work FT but do the washing, shopping and we have a cleaner. If I need DH to do anything I have to constantly remind him.

So last night DH goes out to do his weekly hobby. He asked me if I wanted him not to go, to which I replied I'm not going to tell you what to do. I did want him to stay with me but didn't want to have to tell him to and felt he should have had the sensitivity and common sense too see that I needed him. Maybe this was stupid of me?

It's DH Dad's birthday today. DH said he was popping over after work to see him. This was fine (they live about 1.5 hrs away). I am in too much pain to travel this far so agreed to stay at home. When I spoke to his Dad earlier he said he, MIL, SIL, BIL & DH were all going out for a meal.

We had planned for PIL to come over for lunch tomorrow, earlier in the week as it's also DD birthday on Monday. However, we decided not to do this as I didn't really want SIL coming (as she has only seen DD twice since she has been born). DH refused to not invite SIL.

So AIBU to be pissed off that I have been left alone while DH goes out for a meal? And AIBU to think that DH wasn't prepared to offend SIL by not asking her to lunch but is happy to offend me by excluding me and DD?

There is history with PIL. They are thoughtless and insensitive at times and this has led to conflict between me and DH. He has turned this into a "you hate my parents" which it isn't, I just feel let down by him.

I've also got to go to hospital next week about my back and a scan for baby and he's just leaving me to go with my parents. I love them and have no one else to take me but I really want my DH to take me. AIBU?

Sorry it's so long but I know this will kick off when DH comes home and I need to know if I'm at fault.

Sorry it's so long too.

OP posts:

AntiqueAnteater · 03/12/2011 21:25

for SIL, I feel that she hasn't made the effort to see DD and doesn't "deserve" to be part of the celebrations.

had to laugh at this

erm newsflash: other peoples kids can be tedious and extremely uninteresting

AntiqueAnteater · 03/12/2011 21:26

There have been numerous occasions where his mother has been really emotionally manipulative.

kind of in the same way you are being?

Original poster

littlepie · 03/12/2011 21:41

Antique- I agree completely, as I've said I really don't mind her lack of interest but find it hypocritical to then ask her to a lunch, which as you imply, she probably doesn't want to be at.

And I don't think expecting support for myself, when immobile, and our 12 month old is emotionally manipulative. Telling your son you have cancer when you don't and saying that you feel "that you are losing your baby" (i.e him at 38 years old) 3 days before our wedding is IMO!

OP posts:

Ilovepigs · 03/12/2011 21:52

Op-I think you are getting a hard time unfairly imo.

I understand you being fed up with dh. It may be difficult for him to take time off work but when he is at home he should be stepping up to the mark.

I think he shouldnt have gone to his hobby when he knows you are unable to care for yourself. I also think he should have explained to his parents that he really needs to support you right now and that any other family stuff has to be secondary.

I admit my views on this may be slightly biased as I also have a mil and sil I cannot stand

Original poster

littlepie · 03/12/2011 21:59

Thanks pigs! Have to say I am feeling justified in my unreasonableness as he's not home yet and I am facing having to drag myself upstairs so I can go for a wee. The alternative doesn't bear thinking about...

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 03/12/2011 22:02

I would find a bucket and have a wee in that, in the kitchen.

Bohica · 03/12/2011 22:05

And leave it there for when he gets home.

Bohica · 03/12/2011 22:07

did she realy tell him she had cancer or that she was worried she may have cancer?

WidowWadman · 03/12/2011 22:18

Just leave off the passive agressive shite and talk straight to him about your expectations. He as asked you whether you wanted him to not go - he's given you the chance to say "I really would rather have you by my side".

Doing a huffy "I'm not going to tell you what to do" - are you really surprised that he's rather going to his regular scheduled activity? I'd be pissed off if my husband would react to my offer to stay at home with a huffy "I'm not going to tell you".

As for the in-laws situation - you don't want to spend time with them, fine, but your husband is not unreasonable to want to spend time with his family

Ilovepigs · 03/12/2011 22:35

widow-her dh can spend time with his "family" when the op is feeling better. His wife and their dcs are his "family" now and should be his number 1 priority.

As for the mil and "I am losing my baby" comment says its all for me...

Triggles · 03/12/2011 22:39

I have to agree that you only made things worse by being rather passive aggressive and avoiding giving a straight answer when he asked whether or not you wanted him to go. He's not a mind reader, is he? How do you expect him to know what's going on in your head if you don't have a rational discussion with him?

PrincessScrumpy · 03/12/2011 22:47

I think pregnancy hormones may be taking over - I would be annoyed with dh but I would also be being pretty u.

I really struggled at the end of my pg with twins and had to crawl from sofa to loo, felt I wasn't caring for dd1 well enough and dh was going through redundancy consultation. I wanted him home but he simply couldn't risk losing his job. He looked safe but very uncertain times.

Talk to dh and tell him how you feel and what you need from him. Remember he's not a mind reader.

WidowWadman · 03/12/2011 22:53

Ilovepigs - maybe you've got different definitions of the word "family" to me. My parents and siblings have not stopped being my family when I got together with my husband and had children. I find putting family into quotemarks quite boakworthy to be honest.

My husband and children are part of my family - as we are part of my husband's family and I don't really see need for division, and certainly wouldn't expect my partner to stay away from his parents or siblings for my sake and would be livid with him if he asked that of me.

The "losing my baby" comment is boakworthy - however I guess if my child married someone who openly dislikes me, I'd be worried about that too. Not saying that his parents don't have ishoos, but still.

Original poster

littlepie · 04/12/2011 09:56

Thanks for all the comments.

Just to clarify I don't openly dislike MIL, I am always polite and make an effort for DH's sake-despite her rudeness and hostility to me. The reason I dislike her-and it is only her if I'm being honest is a reaction to how she has treated me and the things she has said.

Anyway that aside, when DH came home last night we did have a really honest conversation. I think it had helped getting it all out on MN when I was at my most grrrrr!

I accepted that the SIL was unreasonable and apologised for this. He apologised for not cancelling hobby and I agreed that I should have been more open about my needs with him-I just feel guilty doing this sometimes but this is something I need to work on.

The dinner situation shouldn't have happened and we've both been really honest about this. Too much to go into here.

DH also for the first time ever acknowlediged his DM does treat me badly and this is probably the root of our conflict. We are not going to tackle this with her-for various reasons but we are going to look at how we react to her as a COUPLE.

Thank you all for your input into this, you've all really helped me!

OP posts:

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