Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

to ban DD from using the computer even though she said sorry to her brother?

43 replies

PavlovtheCat · 03/12/2011 10:16

DD aged 5 really wanted to to the advent calender on cbeebies. She and DS have been good all morning and I let her go on it.

she says her brother pushed her (he is just 2yrs old), which i did not see. What I did see was her gruffly saying 'NO [name]!' punching him in the stomach. Not hard. But she did it non-the-less, and as she did it she turned around to see me watching her and stopped immediately with guilt all over her face. I told her to turn off the computer immediately, that she was not going on it for the rest of the day and to sit on her bed for 5 mins to think about what she has done. She was very upset at not going on the computer.

After 5 mins, i asked her to apologise to her brother, which she did straight away and gave him a hug and I think she meant it. I had a chat with her about why she thinks it is wrong to punch her brother and she understands it could hurt, and he might learn to punch when he is cross too, from her. I was not angry with her at any point, but was obviously not impressed and she knew it.

I thanked her for saying sorry to her brother and as she was about to ask to go on the computer again i reminded her no computer for the rest of the day. She is now desperately upset as she had not finished the advent thing I had promised she could do. Her view is she said she was sorry, she promised not to do it again. My view is that I told her no computer and I am sticking to this and (she should say sorry because she is sorry not to go back on the computer).

She has stomped into her bedroom, slammed the door and is wailing. I have told her to sort her mood out or we will also not go into town (and I feel if this continues it could escalate out of control so I will do my best to not shoot myself in the foot by issueing more ultmatums now!).

So, AIBU to stop her from going on the computer to finish the advent calender opening - should I have accepted her apology and taken this as meaning she could now go on it?

It is worth noting that there are occasional moments when she pushes or shouts at her brother, but it is not commonplace, she is normally excellent at sharing with him and is very kind, so he may well have pushed her first, I don't have to tell her off often for bad behaviour towards him which is why I am unsure how far to go with my sanctions.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 03/12/2011 10:20

The calender will still be there this evening. See how her behaviour carries on for the rest of the day first.

UnexpectedOrange · 03/12/2011 10:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cybbo · 03/12/2011 10:21

It sounds as if you reacted in a bit of a knee jerk way telling her to switch the PC off. Better to have that as a rule- if you hurt anyone you dont get to go to on the computer for the rest of the day or something like that. Then you all know where you stand

Perhaps tell her on this occasion she can go back on as she apologised but the new rule is if you hurt anyone PC is banned

squeakytoy · 03/12/2011 10:24

I wouldnt let her back on it just yet. That is just giving the message that stomping, door slamming, and a tantrum gets immediate results.

She may have apologised for hitting her brother, but saying sorry doesnt fix everything, and it wont do her any harm to be made to wait a while.

Hullygully · 03/12/2011 10:27

Two year olds can be a huge pain.

She is only five.

I'd go and have a lovely old chat with her about it all and then let her use it, because it's over now.

pictish · 03/12/2011 10:27

No way! Not after door slamming and tantruming!!

If she is suitable well behaved for the REST of the DAY - she can do it this evening just before she goes to bed.

OriginalPoster · 03/12/2011 10:28

You are overthinking it all. Ignore the current tantrum, do something else, preferably loud, like hoovering or phone someone so that she knows you are not paying attention. The audience has left the room.

Don't go back on what you said, she is upset because she did something wrong, she feels guilty and knows you disapprove. She knows you love her, you handled it fine. When she has simmered down give her a hug and start again.

I used to pretend we could rewind a scene, or delete a scene, to help them see that they could have handled it differently, or that they need to move on. Eg 'if your brother pushes you, what else could you do, if you're not allowed to push him back?' maybe teach her to say firmly, 'no pushing, x, we don't push people ' or similar.

Now I'm over thinking it

squeakytoy · 03/12/2011 10:28

Two year olds may be a pain, but that doesnt justify punching them!

Hullygully · 03/12/2011 10:28

And a whole day is a huge punishment for a flash in the pan angry reaction. Believe me, I've seen how irritating two year olds can be. And you said yourself you didn't see what happened.

But I accept I'm going to be in the minority unless Showy shows up!

Original poster

PavlovtheCat · 03/12/2011 10:30

cybbo oh a complete knee-jerk reaction, but a reasonable one I think! But I feel I cannot go back on it, and that it is actually not a bad sanction as she values her limited time on the pc highly. I guess I am questioning whether the apology suffices, as I don't want to be an unreasonable mum, yet, as unexpectedorange feels, I want to get the message across that using violence against others is 'never' ok. But she is not normally aggressive, has her moments, but generally a placid gentle girl, so don't want to come across overly excessive with my reactions to violence if not needed to help her learn.

She has now stopped stomping and slamming and is playing with her duplo in her bedroom so I guess the initial shock has worn off, but I know she will ask again in half hour or so!

OP posts:

OldGreyWassailTest · 03/12/2011 10:32

You've got to let the message sink in. No computer now or you will be sending the message that tantrums get her her own way. Perhaps later this evening (but don't tell her that).

YourCallIsImportant · 03/12/2011 10:34

Wow, the same thing was happening here at the same time with DD8 and DS5!

pictish · 03/12/2011 10:34

I have a zero tolerance stance on hitting in this house. I have a 2 year old, a 3 year old and a 10 year old and none of them are allowed to hit one another...or push, or kick or grab.
They never do either, because they know the rules.

I would do what you did OP....so what if 2 year olds are a pain sometimes? That's no excuse for hitting or punching.

NeuromanticisedVisionsofXmas · 03/12/2011 10:35

I agree with Hully. But then I have 3 boys under 7 and if I banned things every time one of them pushed or shoved another one, nobody would ever do anything.

Hullygully · 03/12/2011 10:35

It takes a great many years to learn to control physical impulses, you are going to have an awful lot of long unpleasant days! Better to deal with it then and there, apologies have been given and behaviour discussed and then move on. She will long cease to care about the whys and just feel resentment towards her brother and you, thus undermining the whole point.

If she can apologise to her brother and move on, you should be able to apologise for your over the top reaction and set an example of how to forgive and move on.

pictish · 03/12/2011 10:36

Hully that's not true. My kids have learned to control theirs from the off...no trouble at all. Why? because I said so.

Hullygully · 03/12/2011 10:37

You are very fortunate, Pictish!

Perhaps you have exceptionally mild mannered dc!

pictish · 03/12/2011 10:38

Noooo...they are fairly average, but they are not allowed to hit, whether it be each other, or anyone else.

Original poster

PavlovtheCat · 03/12/2011 10:39

hully that is my dilemma. It is a long time, yet we are not just lounging today otherwise I would be kicking myself! We are going out so it is not as bad as it sounds. She is a very good girl most of the time, slightly more bad behaviour of late, but nothing significant, and mostly due to being tired (DS does not sleep well atm) so excuseable for the most part.

originalposter after she apologised and we had our chat, we hugged when I thanked her for saying sorry, our conversation was nice and calm, that was the point of the 5 mins on the bed so we can both be able to talk calmly (me mainly!). She knows I am happy with her again as I made sure it was left on a good note from me. I completely ignored her tantrum and allowed it to pass without comment, or me changing my mind.

The kids are now about to have a bath, with lots of bubbles, and they are happy as anything with that. So for now, the computer situation is left behind.

when it rears its head again after we go for a stomp by the sea (town followed by sea walk) I will consider it if she has behaved while out. I will be prepared to back down if she has demonstrated impeccable behaviour, but on my terms, ie I will offer, not if she asks.

OP posts:

Hullygully · 03/12/2011 10:40

pavlov - up to you , of course, that all sounds exhausting to me, all that constant monitoring and assessing!

NeuromanticisedVisionsofXmas · 03/12/2011 10:42

AnaisB · 03/12/2011 10:43

Maybe a whole day was a it long - but you've said it now. I'd stick to what you said and maybe specify a lesser time (hour?) next time. Don't wprry about it though.

handsomeharry · 03/12/2011 10:45

I wouldn't worry about it either. It seems pretty reasonable to me, especially as you are out and about today.

LovingChristmas · 03/12/2011 10:45

I think I would do as you have suggested OP, see how she behaves today whilst out, and if very good, a bit of chat later saying that as she has been good and she did apologise, then she can have x time on the computer now, however explaining that it is never acceptable to hit her brother (or anyone) and she will lose PC for x amount of time should she use violence again, however you must also say if brother is being a pain she must tell you so you can deal with the issue.
Have a lovely day BTW :)

Original poster

PavlovtheCat · 03/12/2011 10:45

neuro my problem is not so much hitting, pushing etc generally, as that does happen, and it involves a simple 'say sorry' followed by why it is wrong, then done and dusted. It was the level of aggression and the punch to the stomach I disapproved off. It was not hard, but I suspect that was more to do with me watching and her noticing and stopping her actions as much as anything else.

hully i take your point about them taking time to learn to control their emotions, sometimes I see it when she gets angry and loses control of her emotions (not often) that she simply cannot help herself (i mean there are adults who struggle to control their physically violent impulses...), and I accept that this is likely the first of other incidents that are similar. But I hope that she will not grow to resent her brother if there are sanctions for this kind of behaviour. Because there will be, however, it will be less knee-jerk from me in future, and more that DH and I will discuss what sanctions will occur for what type of behaviour.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2