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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ban DD from using the computer even though she said sorry to her brother?

43 replies

PavlovtheCat · 03/12/2011 10:16

DD aged 5 really wanted to to the advent calender on cbeebies. She and DS have been good all morning and I let her go on it.

she says her brother pushed her (he is just 2yrs old), which i did not see. What I did see was her gruffly saying 'NO [name]!' punching him in the stomach. Not hard. But she did it non-the-less, and as she did it she turned around to see me watching her and stopped immediately with guilt all over her face. I told her to turn off the computer immediately, that she was not going on it for the rest of the day and to sit on her bed for 5 mins to think about what she has done. She was very upset at not going on the computer.

After 5 mins, i asked her to apologise to her brother, which she did straight away and gave him a hug and I think she meant it. I had a chat with her about why she thinks it is wrong to punch her brother and she understands it could hurt, and he might learn to punch when he is cross too, from her. I was not angry with her at any point, but was obviously not impressed and she knew it.

I thanked her for saying sorry to her brother and as she was about to ask to go on the computer again i reminded her no computer for the rest of the day. She is now desperately upset as she had not finished the advent thing I had promised she could do. Her view is she said she was sorry, she promised not to do it again. My view is that I told her no computer and I am sticking to this and (she should say sorry because she is sorry not to go back on the computer).

She has stomped into her bedroom, slammed the door and is wailing. I have told her to sort her mood out or we will also not go into town (and I feel if this continues it could escalate out of control so I will do my best to not shoot myself in the foot by issueing more ultmatums now!).

So, AIBU to stop her from going on the computer to finish the advent calender opening - should I have accepted her apology and taken this as meaning she could now go on it?

It is worth noting that there are occasional moments when she pushes or shouts at her brother, but it is not commonplace, she is normally excellent at sharing with him and is very kind, so he may well have pushed her first, I don't have to tell her off often for bad behaviour towards him which is why I am unsure how far to go with my sanctions.

OP posts:

Hullygully · 03/12/2011 10:45

Why is there this insistence on sticking to what you've said?

Don't we want to teach fluidity, adaptability, flexibility and forgiveness??

Hullygully · 03/12/2011 10:46

(that was general pavlov, not to you)

Original poster

PavlovtheCat · 03/12/2011 10:47

hully that made me chuckle, your 'monitoring and assessing', as that is exactly what I do for work, I am a probation officer and that is exactly my job!, to monitor, assess (over-think). Guess I work too much, or i am in my job for a reason

OP posts:

randommoment · 03/12/2011 10:48

Agree with majority, once you've stated a sanction you can't go back. But 'day' at this time of year is finished by 4 p.m. Have a lovely rest of the daylight out and about.

Original poster

PavlovtheCat · 03/12/2011 10:49

loving oh yes, i did that, I asked her what should she do if he pushes her and she said 'tell him to stop' and then what? 'tell you or daddy or aunty or another grown-up' and i praised her for that.

hully agree completely with need to teach flexibility and compassion and forgiveness, I guess that is what this thread was about, to help me figure whether there was room here for it, I want to get a balance between demonstrating it is ok to change our minds esp when an apology is received, and her thinking she can behave in this way with no repercussions.

OP posts:

pictish · 03/12/2011 10:50

My stance comes from the fact that I had an older brother who felt quite at liberty to hit me. My mother dismissed it as 'all siblings fight' but given that he was bigger and stronger and nastier than me, it was actually very one sided. I felt unable to defend myself. If I ever hit him back, he would hit me back again....really hard! I was scared of him.

I swore that it would never happen when I had kids, and true to my word, it doesn't. None of them are allowed to hit each other. Even when they were babies, if they went for a wee slap (because they all try it, don't they?) they would be told 'NO! NO HITTING!' and put straight down and ignored. They have grown up knowing that hitting is a big no no, so it's their habit not to.

It's nothing to do with them being mild mannered....ds2 is particular is a toerag of the highest order...but he's not a slap happy toerag.

Hullygully · 03/12/2011 10:51

fair enough Pictish. And well done!

Take off the prob hat, pavlov!!

Original poster

PavlovtheCat · 03/12/2011 10:53

pictish my brother used to hit me too. He was 6yrs older and jealous of my arrival and my mother was out at work a lot from when I was very young, so not there to witness it a lot of the time. And like you, if I challenged he was nastier. BUT. I do not see that in DD at all. She is not often intentionally mean and is not at all jealous of DS, other than occasional 'my toys' 'i want a cuddle' 'kiss me goodbye first' and that is all. I just want to keep it that way!

OP posts:

UnexpectedOrange · 03/12/2011 10:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

PavlovtheCat · 03/12/2011 10:54

hully almost impossible to do so! Although it is also hard to take of the parent hat at work too I have to remind myself that while my cases sometimes behave like children, they are not in fact children

OP posts:

pictish · 03/12/2011 10:59

That's fair enough pav - you know what's what with your own don't you?

I can only report from my own experience on this subject you see?

I think you're right to take the hard line of the punching BUT not forever...if she is her usual delightful self for the rest of the day then she will have earned her chance to do the advent thing later on....that's how I would deal with it.

It helps that you will be busy today too - much less inclination to dwell on it then.

squeakytoy · 03/12/2011 11:15

Hullygully Sat 03-Dec-11 10:45:56
Why is there this insistence on sticking to what you've said?
Don't we want to teach fluidity, adaptability, flexibility and forgiveness??

Er no, I would want to teach that what a parent says, goes. Not have a child who knows that their parent will say one thing but with a bit of crying, moaning and tantrumming they will relent and give in.

If you know that your parent sticks to their guns, then you are less likely to repeat the offence if you dont like the punishment. If you know that your parent will say one thing but let you off anyway.. then whats the point.

Hullygully · 03/12/2011 11:17

squeaky

I don't do "punishments," I find that discussing what has happened and why it's unacceptable and agreeing different approaches for the future is much more productive - and less painful all round.

babyhammock · 03/12/2011 11:57

I don't do "punishments," I find that discussing what has happened and why it's unacceptable and agreeing different approaches for the future is much more productive - and less painful all round.

Agree with what hully said...
The how to talk so kids listen book is fab for that

OriginalPoster · 03/12/2011 12:02

That book is like a magic wand.

UnexpectedOrange · 03/12/2011 12:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

PavlovtheCat · 04/12/2011 08:55

well, we went to town, for a walk, home again, the kids watched a movie, DD tidied her bedroom with her aunty, and got a star for that. DH and I went out together for first time in over two years while aunty babysat and both children were so well behaved before I went, into jimjams without a fuss, stories red, tucked up in bed - they got a star, and went to bed without a fuss AND slept through til 6am (unheard of normally) they both got a star for that too this morning and lots of praise and cuddles for being so well behaved.

The advent calendar was not asked for again yesterday. She asked today and has been told, as normal that she can go on it later this morning to open it. She has not shouted, or hit, or punched her brother since. In fact they are behaving very well together atm (quietly awaits all change) and I have told them both how lovely they are lots of times!

OP posts:

auntiepicklebottom2 · 04/12/2011 09:06

yanbu, you have set out this punishment and you should stick to it. (especially after the tantrum)

Also i would have a little chat with her and remind her if her brother is annoying her to come and tell you.

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