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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think the're should be a cut off age for 'adult' children and Christmas lists?

41 replies

lagerlout · 03/12/2011 09:14

The other night PIL dropped by. DP said in conversation that we had set a budget on what to spend on our 7 year old for Christmas but with the cost of things we had almost maxed it and what we had didn't look a lot. His mum agreed and started to talk about some skincare range and perfume that she had bought for his youngest sister, 20 next year, and how it had come to £150 and when they had gift wrapped it, it looked nothing. I said that she was old enough to know the value of it and well past the stage if expecting a pile I'd presents on Christmas day. His mum said no and went on tell us about the Christmas list she had written, Inc a few Tongue in cheek requests such as some designer shoes and a mini or mercedes.

So this gift is not the end of the shopping spree they have more to buy for her. His parents are not well off, both in early retirement with a small savings pot. I can see this savings pot dwindling on this sister and then us and his other sisters been looked to for financial assistance in the future. They spent £500 on a handbag for her birthday this year, £3000 on a car the year before, after paying for all her driving lessons. She doesn't work, although is at college part time but doesn't seem to have much direction, so they also pay to insure and tax her car, feed and clothe her in and pay for her weekend social life. When I suggested they should be backing off a little and letting her stand in her own feet I was told it's the way it is nowadays, all her friends expect the same treatment. I can't help but feel such a lack of responsibility and high expectation of things without hard work handicaps a person and am shocked that this is apparently the direction our society is going in. I know it's none of my business so ABU on that level but is this really what kids expect today because my son will be the social misfit when he's older as I won't be playing that game.

OP posts:
UnexpectedOrange · 03/12/2011 09:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PinkAndPurplePirateGirl · 03/12/2011 09:23

YANBU

She sounds a spoilt, pampered princess. They are enabling her behaviour by pandering to her.

GypsyMoth · 03/12/2011 09:25

You sound jealous!

It's absolutely non of your business

AmberLeaf · 03/12/2011 09:27

YABU and yes you sound jealous.

If they want to do this its up to them.

RoxyRobin · 03/12/2011 09:28

It is their business, so YABU as far as your PILS are concerned - and no doubt she and all her friends do expect all this indulgence. However, the times they are a-changing, and I reckon that particular generation of young people will be the last to be so indulged and your son will fit into the zeitgeist to come.

And as you suggest what good did it ever do to hand all this stuff to them on a plate?

Tuppence2 · 03/12/2011 09:31

YABU, agree with the others who have said it's none of your business.

In our small, close family, there is my mum, me (25), my auntie and cousin (29). (and then step siblings of mine and stepdad)
My cousin and I still get asked for a list to split between my mum and auntie, because they like to get us gifts, and they would rather get us things that we need but can't necessarily afford or would just like. My list was made up of mainly toiletries, perfume and primark underwear! And with regards to the perfume, I wrote 4 down that I like, so there is still an element of surprise as to which I will get.

Are you saying, that when your DCs reach 18, you will stop asking them what they would like, or buying them anything?

cocoachanneloffestivecheer · 03/12/2011 09:32

YABU about the Christmas presents. And bah humbug.

YANBU about the sense of entitlement though. Scary. I was listening to a teenager on Radio 4 this morning and although she has a PT job there was this overwhelming sense of this being an outrageous state of affairs.

lagerlout · 03/12/2011 09:35

Jealousy really doesn't come into it, the're not my parents and I don't expect a thing from them. I'm not saying it is wrong for a parent to buy an adult child a gift, I am approaching this more from a responsible parenting perspective and the excessiveness of it. How does someone who has all their desires fulfilled without having to work for them become an independent adult who can manage their own affairs and put important bills before their latest want. I have accepted it's none of my business that could be said of most AIBU topics.

OP posts:
UnexpectedOrange · 03/12/2011 09:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnotherMincepie · 03/12/2011 09:46

YABU. It's entirely their decision, and they'll be well aware of the pros and cons. You're being a busybody.

slartybartfast · 03/12/2011 09:49

i am sure there are lots of 17/18 year olds whose parents buy them a car, tax and insure them. and to those of us who cant afford it. it makes us feel bad. we can only hope that life lessons such as these will teach our youngsters the value hard work and money

slartybartfast · 03/12/2011 09:50

op i spose if she is their only child and they feel they can afford it, they want to.

GypsyMoth · 03/12/2011 09:52

No, you sound jealous because you mentioned your own dd's small pile of presents...... Dis you expect them to make up the shortfall? Instead they have spent £150 on their own daughter

Sevenfold · 03/12/2011 09:53

yabu

LoveBeingFullOfChristmasCheet · 03/12/2011 09:56

Get your dh to start writing a list for them Grin

GypsyMoth · 03/12/2011 09:57

Oh. And in your opinion, what should the cut off age be then?

Proudnscary · 03/12/2011 09:59

It's up to them. What's it to do with you?

My in laws still give me and dh huge pillow cases of presents. I am 41 years old!

howlongwilltheynap · 03/12/2011 09:59

YANBU, I too am shocked how much my SIL spends on her 19 & 20 year old - she works part time for the minimum wage and spent £500 on each of them last christmas. I know none of my business and up to her to spoil them if she wants but:
(a) I think it is ridiculous to spend that money when she could be buying more practical things (eg her son had spent a year sleeping on the sofa as his bed was broken) and
(b) they do not appreciate it at all, her dd demanded the rest of her presents on her birthday this year after opening a slightly smaller than usual pile (there were no more).

So I will join you in being judgey and busybody etc etc. Anyway as they are our family we have to put up with the young adults this creates so we are entitled to pass comment

lagerlout · 03/12/2011 10:01

I'm sorry, you are completely misunderstanding where I am coming from. Of course I do not expect them to make up the shortfall for my child, infact there is no shortfall. I am financially able to spend more if I choose to but am not comfortable with over indulgence and setting a level if expectation for him. The girl I am talking about is not an only child, she has 3 elder siblings, who no before anyone asks are not treated the same and never gave been. There are also 5 grandchildren. All that said I accept the majority says I'm being unreasonable so should bow out gracefully and keep my opinions to myself.

OP posts:
Hassled · 03/12/2011 10:09

YANBU. Spoon-feeding a young adult does them no favours whatsoever - gives them no opportunity to learn from their mistakes, make their own way in the world, learn resilience etc.

JingleAllTheSoddingWay · 03/12/2011 10:14

YANBU and it is your business if they're going to end up asking you for money in the future because they've spent all theirs on an adult DD.

justpaddling · 03/12/2011 10:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

randommoment · 03/12/2011 10:43

YANBU to be sad for your youngest SIL, she's not learning anything about real life this way, and it's shocking if she's getting massive financial support when her elder siblings didn't. I'm getting an image of some enormous cuckoo tbh. But as you already accept, would cause a massive row if you interfered.

littlemisssarcastic · 03/12/2011 10:47

I think it all depends on what the parents are happy to buy/can afford. If parents are happy to spend large amounts on their DC at Christmas, even when they are adults, then who is anyone else to tell them they shouldn't??

I have heard quite a few people IRL say that adult children shouldn't get so much spent on them, should understand that they are now adults and therefore, should not expect as much as they used to get etc etc. Strangely enough, the only people I have heard say this have no adult children, only little ones.

I have also noticed that as children get older, the cost of gifts soars, and they usually don't receive the same number of gifts as they did when they were little, simply due to the astronomical cost of doing so.

So ime, adult children don't tend to receive a huge pile of presents at Christmas anyway, in most cases anyway.

My DS is 20. I have had more than a handful of people telling me that I should not buy him anything more than a token gift...something up to the value of £20 or so.

I don't feel so much pressure to buy DS anyway. He insists if he wants something, he will buy it out of his earnings.

Has this stopped me buying DS a select few gifts I think he will really like? No it hasn't.
Will he appreciate these gifts? I think so. Grin
Have I spent more than £20? Yes..much much more. Grin

AKissIsNotAContract · 03/12/2011 12:12

YANBU and I think saying 'it's just the way things are these days' is a really horrible excuse for so visibly favouring one child over her siblings. I don't think it matters how much parents give but I think it's pretty cruel to not give roughly equally to all your children.