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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think the're should be a cut off age for 'adult' children and Christmas lists?

41 replies

lagerlout · 03/12/2011 09:14

The other night PIL dropped by. DP said in conversation that we had set a budget on what to spend on our 7 year old for Christmas but with the cost of things we had almost maxed it and what we had didn't look a lot. His mum agreed and started to talk about some skincare range and perfume that she had bought for his youngest sister, 20 next year, and how it had come to £150 and when they had gift wrapped it, it looked nothing. I said that she was old enough to know the value of it and well past the stage if expecting a pile I'd presents on Christmas day. His mum said no and went on tell us about the Christmas list she had written, Inc a few Tongue in cheek requests such as some designer shoes and a mini or mercedes.

So this gift is not the end of the shopping spree they have more to buy for her. His parents are not well off, both in early retirement with a small savings pot. I can see this savings pot dwindling on this sister and then us and his other sisters been looked to for financial assistance in the future. They spent £500 on a handbag for her birthday this year, £3000 on a car the year before, after paying for all her driving lessons. She doesn't work, although is at college part time but doesn't seem to have much direction, so they also pay to insure and tax her car, feed and clothe her in and pay for her weekend social life. When I suggested they should be backing off a little and letting her stand in her own feet I was told it's the way it is nowadays, all her friends expect the same treatment. I can't help but feel such a lack of responsibility and high expectation of things without hard work handicaps a person and am shocked that this is apparently the direction our society is going in. I know it's none of my business so ABU on that level but is this really what kids expect today because my son will be the social misfit when he's older as I won't be playing that game.

OP posts:

pigletmania · 03/12/2011 12:19

YABU to think that presents are just for children, so you stop having fun when you become an adult then , but YANBU to be concerned with how much they spend on their dd as they have so little money, and that dd may be taking advantage.

deliciousdevilwoman · 03/12/2011 12:23

MY DTS's are 23, and I have a DD aged 11 months. My DTS's don't ask for or expect a thing, but I still indulge them at Christmas/Birthdays/"just because"-I did it from dot, and I won't stop just because they are adults. You can be indulgent and instill values/responsibility onto DC-it's not mutually exclusive.

civilfawlty · 03/12/2011 12:31

Of course yanbu. If you were planning to interfere, that would be out of order. But it isn't unreasonable to question the issue of adults demanding/ expecting expensive gifts from their parents, often paid for from a dwindling reserve of savings.

Surely there is an issue of the parent-child relationship entering a new phase when the child takes responsibility for themselves and understands financial and emotional limitations? Recently, I started out-earning my parents, which introduces another perspective I reckon...

Chandon · 03/12/2011 12:34

yabu, up to them

you don't really worry about your DS being a "social misfit" in 13 years times, surely

you just don't like her.

Alouisee · 03/12/2011 12:37

My Dad stopped buying for "his first family" so he can fund "his second family" through university.

What a cunt. Not you op but this sort of thread rankles a bit because I will never stop enjoying buying gifts for my children.

pigletmania · 03/12/2011 12:52

I love gifts however big or small, though I am an adult does not mean the fun and enjoyment has to go out of life and you turn into a boring old fart

MissPentChristmasBudget · 03/12/2011 13:05

TBH, reading your post it's the parents funding their adult daughter's lifestyle that's more concerning to me than the Christmas presents. I'd imagine that the parents asked their daughter what she'd like, sho wrote a list, not necessarily expecting to be bought everything off it. If the parents decide to spend a small fortune that's their decision.

I agree that a lot of teenagers and young adults expect a certain kind of lifestyle these days, and many aren't prepared to work for it. Their parents enable it though. I think celebrity culture and aspirational magazines are at least partly to blame too.

pigletmania · 03/12/2011 13:10

I also love giving them too, and enjoying choosing gifts that i think the person would like.

exoticfruits · 03/12/2011 13:11

I treat my adult DCs just the same way that I did when they are younger. I love buying them presents. I ask them for a list and I buy somethings off it, some I ignore and I add some small surprises-the way I have always done.
They don't put way out expensive things on it because they know they wouldn't get it.
It is really up to parents-some are stupid IMO, but that is their right.

mrsjay · 03/12/2011 14:13

YABU shes their child and if they want to spoil her they can do the inlaws buy the other children (adults) i still get xmas presents from my mum and im 40 although not handbags that costs that my 28 yr old sister still at home gets christmas presents too
, I think shes your ILs baby and want to keep her like that , shes probs a bit spoiled but its nothing to do with you ,

Triggles · 03/12/2011 15:33

I think there needs to be a reasonable compromise when a child reaches adulthood. I would never expect my mum (or my MIL) to spend a large amount of money on us as adults. I know that my mum spent a fairly large amount when we were children.

We have 2 adult children and 2 small children. Our adult children each have a child (our grandchildren). Our spending money for Christmas is obviously not limitless. What we would normally spend on four children needs to cover gifts for DS1, DIL, DD, DS2, DS3 and 2 grandchildren. This means that the money we can spend on DS1 (and DIL) and DD goes down some in order to cover gifts for the grandchildren as well. That's life.

exoticfruits · 03/12/2011 16:21

I dare say it changes when you have grandchildren-I just have adult DCs with no partners and no DCs so we haven't had a change yet.

NICEyNice · 03/12/2011 16:38

My PiL still INSIST on a Christmas List from DH and me. I'm 33, hes 29. We've told them we don't want/need anything, but goes in one ear out the other. So we've done small lists in the past... only to get moaned at and harassed until we give in and make a longer list of things we aren't really bothered about. They've done it again this year. And we've complied. And they have STILL come back to us asking for a 'big present' for me .

It drives me nuts they are so materialistic, but MiL gets arsey if we try and argue. I have come to the conclusion that its what makes them happy and pointless to resist.

I'm secretly hoping it will change next year with arrival of first GC to fuss over. They make me feel like I'm about 5 still. I know shouldn't be ungrateful, but we are financially independent, and really don't see the point of getting stuff just for the sake of it. I can't help but feel its a way of refusing to believe we are grown ups, and that everyone has flown the nest. Its almost belittling and controlling at this age to be asked for a Christmas List!

If anyone can think of something I want for Christmas to appease her this year I would be grateful! DH is already on 3 phone calls and 2 emails harassing him.

Triggles · 03/12/2011 18:52

Tell her you'd like her to put money aside for trust fund or in savings account for the new baby instead of buying you a gift.

LemonDifficult · 03/12/2011 18:57

YABU, sorry.

I think you're worried about cash and have over-reacted as a result. It sounds chippy, even if you didn't mean it that way.

CoffeeDog · 03/12/2011 19:25

My mums in a wheel chair and dosn't drive.... she gives me and my twin sis £50.00 each to go shopping together with and bring home so she can wrap them up......

We said she should really stop now (i have 3 kids myself..) but she likes the fact we go TOGETHER as we dont spend much time together anymore or ever

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