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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to be a single parent because I'm so fed up of having to manage DH too?

70 replies

Arana · 03/12/2011 00:22

The relationship is such hard work, I'm at breaking point with my own shit without having to manage him too. I shouldn't have to tell him how to parent. He should be able to come to sensible decisions himself surely?
I go for a 20 minute run once a week. Last week I came home to find both kids in the front yard metres from the road playing with buckets of rainwater. He was on the computer and had no idea where they were.
This week I came home to find him on the computer, and 2yo DD say at his feet painting the carpet. He hadn't realised. But she could have been popping paracetamols and he wouldn't have realised.
Surely it shouldn't be this hard?

OP posts:

CardyMow · 04/12/2011 13:01

Um, NiceGuy2 - surely it is common sense that young dc shouldn't be able to get onto a road when the supervising parent doesn't even know they have left the house? I don't think that everyone learns by accidents - I think they learn by applying common sense.

And that is speaking as a female Lone Parent that was brought up by a Male Lone Parent...

bejeezus · 04/12/2011 13:26

I have been married to an arsehole like your OH and now I am a single parent for the same reasons.

IME it is MUCH easier being a single patent and not putting up with that shite. You pretty much are a single parent anyway in practical terms. Getting rid of the stress and emotional turmoil of such an awful partner gives you more energy to deal with the practical stuff. A 2008 minute run once a week is a small price to pay!

Good luck x

Triggles · 04/12/2011 13:29

Nagging wife?!?! Because she doesn't want her children unsupervised? FFS. What a loon! YOU may not see a problem with not knowing where your children are, but some people think it's responsible parenting to actually know where your young children are and what they're up to. The OP has a 2yo, do you honestly think it's okay not to have any idea where the 2yo is?!? And who pays the consequence if the 2yo is unsupervised, wanders into the street and is run over? It DOES happen, you know - she is not overreacting. What does the 2yo learn? Not a whole lot at that point, I would say.

There's a huge difference between markers on the carpet (which if that happened in our house while DH was on watch, then it would be a simple case of DH having to clean it up ) and children in potentially dangerous situations because the parent has no idea where they are.

GypsyMoth · 04/12/2011 13:31

Altinkum.. Couldn't care less tbh

Agree with niceguy too.

GypsyMoth · 04/12/2011 13:35

But as an aside, I find it ironic that so many MN threads contain ' the dc have done this ( paint on Walls/sudocrem/food everywhere) whilst ive been MNing' similiar circs? And it's usually with a 'strikethrough' to set the scene...

SolidGoldVampireBat · 04/12/2011 20:05

THe main thing is, a selfish lazyarse partner creates more work and stress, because you have to stroke his ego and probably let him have sex on you as well as picking up after him and doing all the childcare. So if you've got one of these, it's always better to get rid.

niceguy2 · 04/12/2011 20:16

Exactly Sara. If the woman's busy MN'ing/whatever and something like the above happened, then everyone would be rushing to her defence and saying it was totally unreasonable for her OH to berate her. Yet the other way around and it's "dump the bastard".

My point is that people have different standards. Even within marriages. And if you are always there 'managing' DH then guess what, he's never going to bother to take responsibility for himself. Why bother? He's wrong anyway.

Personally I don't have an issue with not knowing where my two year old is for short periods in the house because I'd have childproofed it beforehand and I believe kids don't need to be helicoptered all the time.

At 2 of course I'm not suggesting he should be allowed on the street alone. My example was for our 4 year old whom knows because we've taught him that he's not allowed off the end of the street. He knows if a car is coming to move off the road and onto the pavement and we live on a cul-de-sac where cars rarely come.

We don't lock our door and neither do most of our neighbours. This means he does have a tendency to go calling for his mates on the street and on one occasion surprised my neighbour coming out of the shower starkers as he'd let himself in!

But I love the fact he has freedom and so far, he's just a confident, mischievous little boy, as he should be.

bejeezus · 04/12/2011 21:57

Arana can i suggest that you post in 'Relationships' if you are really struggling with this. It sounds like you are. You will get a much more useful discussion there.

Triggles · 04/12/2011 22:10

But the point is that the OP is saying her DH had no clue her 2yo was even outside. Just because some of us know where our child is in the house at most times doesn't mean we're helicoptering - it simply means we pay attention. There is a difference.

I'd say bejeezus is probably correct - the OP will most likely get more useful discussion in relationships section. Either way, she'll still get some of the generally predictable responses.

Heleninahandcart · 05/12/2011 01:23

Getting more than a litte bit tired of people thinking single parenthood is some easy sort of option because they currently have an arse for a DP.

You would not be going for a run, you would be lucky to go for a shit in peace. Yes your DP sounds useless with taking care of DC, but if he really was that pointless you wouldn't be living with him.

Heleninahandcart · 05/12/2011 01:28

Oh and why am I posting at this time of night? I've just had to unblock the toilet. My plunger collection is legendary , all part of being a single parent.

TheFrogs · 05/12/2011 01:55

I certainly never meant my posts to be horrid or an attack on op, I hope they didn't come across that way. If a friend asked me "does my bum look big in this?" i'd be honest about it. That doesn't mean im being a bitch, in the same way I wouldn't tell someone that something was a walk in the park if in my experience it wasn't. I'd never encourage someone to leap into lone parenting if there was a chance they didn't need to because personally i've found it tough..tis just my opinion.

Do you also have a huge collection of hand tools Helen? My toolbox is at bursting point

Want2bSupermum · 05/12/2011 02:02

I can't imagine how hard it is as a single parent. I never want to be there myself. I say that as someone who has had to train their DH for the past five months...

Training started with me leaving DH with DD (who was 8wks old at the time) doing an activity (reading a book). I took the dog with me so it was just the two of them. He still struggles with the concept of watching DD. Just today he left her on the floor while he went through to the kitchen to make a cup of tea. He brought the cup of tea back with him and walked over her. One slip and she would have been very badly burnt.

Rather then tell DH how angry I was I told DH that the doctor told me not to have a hot drink in my hands while caring for DD. I don't know if it is true or not but I told DH that if DD was burnt the damage is harder to repair as her skin is so thin, hence why the dr told us to make sure she is well away from the kitchen when cooking and not to have hot drinks when caring for her.

I gave him a somewhat logical reason and stated it in a fact like manner. He has not had another hot drink while caring for DD today. As soon as I took over he went and made himself a cup of tea and drank it in his office. My DH is just not as practiced at looking after DD as I am. Give him enough experience and he will get there.

Want2bSupermum · 05/12/2011 02:04

Helen, put bleach down (about a pint) and leave until morning. Pour a whole kettle of boiling water down when you flush. It clears 99% of blockages and leaves your loo sparkling clean.

WaxMyBoard · 05/12/2011 12:25

I also had to 'train' DH.

We had endless rows over him making a sandwich and leaving the point, sharp knife handle hanging over the edge of the worktop. Hot drinks, power tools, leaving the iron plugged in whilst the DCs were running around near the board with him elsewhere......

I threatened to leave him, I threatened that if a child was hurt I would never forgive him and that I would be clear to friends and family what his attitude had been. Looking back I should have paid nursery for more childcare so that I did n't have to rely on him. Saving my sanity would have been worth it, eventually the stress caused a hospital stay with a suspected brain tumour. And he did n't cope with that well.

It got easier as the DCs have got older, I changed things round so that medicines, cleaning stuff is all grouped together up high, kitchen knives are limited to the basic so he can't just reach for another one. DIY stuff when I find it is thrown in another high up basket when I find it in the house.

I now get to relax my responsibility head whilst the children are at school and I've trained them to think for themselves and consider their own health and safety.

Find a nursery or a trustworthy friend, get a regular three hour break per week, use the time to have a run, a cup of tea in peace and a little cry if you need one. You need this in order to be a good parent.

Heleninahandcart · 05/12/2011 12:46

Supermum thanks for that tip. Will try that next time. Last night was a full plunge, wire coat hanger, multiple plastic bag job as I had already left it hoping it would sort itself out

OP I have no idea if this DH training would work for you. He seems to take his eye off more when using the computer so maybe you should do what I did with my teen, take the modem cable with you when you go out

nofrikkincarbs · 05/12/2011 12:50

OP ignore the bitter single parents on this thread (I have been a single parent for 5 years in the past)

I totally and completely understand where you are coming from, and this kind of behavious from ds's dad ended our relationship

Esta3GG · 05/12/2011 12:51

I love being a single parent. I really do.
I get a bit irked with single parenthood being depicted as the root of all of society's evils and some profoundly miserable state to find yourself in.
We are very happy and life is very good.
That is all.

Triggles · 05/12/2011 12:59

I think those that are getting offended by the OP's comment about preferring to be a single parent need to take a step back and think for a minute. She's NOT dissing single parenting, she's basically frustrated that from a parenting standpoint, her partner is useless and she feels like she's going it alone. Is it REALLY that hard to understand without getting all offended!?!?

Good grief. I have done the single parent bit for years, although am a married parent now. I wasn't offended by her comment. Why can't people get past that? Don't be so blasted touchy - deal with the issue, not the semantics.

esperance · 05/12/2011 14:08

A NAGGING WIFE! The asshole didn't know where his two-year old daughter was.

OP I completely sympathise with you. I was a single parent for years. When I hear these stories about these asshole fathers, I am completely amazed that women put up with this shit.

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