Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to be a single parent because I'm so fed up of having to manage DH too?

70 replies

Arana · 03/12/2011 00:22

The relationship is such hard work, I'm at breaking point with my own shit without having to manage him too. I shouldn't have to tell him how to parent. He should be able to come to sensible decisions himself surely?
I go for a 20 minute run once a week. Last week I came home to find both kids in the front yard metres from the road playing with buckets of rainwater. He was on the computer and had no idea where they were.
This week I came home to find him on the computer, and 2yo DD say at his feet painting the carpet. He hadn't realised. But she could have been popping paracetamols and he wouldn't have realised.
Surely it shouldn't be this hard?

OP posts:
randommoment · 03/12/2011 00:55

My DP only realised how dangerous not paying attention to what his offspring were up to could be when they trashed his Xbox. Luckily no bones broken, and lesson learned. Accept may not be an option for you OP, but is there any way you could organise it so that the little darlings do something like (say) using his 16 year old malt whisky to wash the kitchen floor, when he was officially in charge?

AmIthatbad · 03/12/2011 01:14

OP would your DD really have been popping paracetamols? Do you routinely leave medicine or other hazardous substances lying around.

Your OP is an adult and can take responsibility for the DC while he is in charge. Why don't you just enjoy the luxury of time to yourself without trying to dictate how he parents. Do you honestly think he would put his own children at risk?

And if I sound resentful, tough shit. I don't have anyone to leave my DD with, so I just don't get to go running, however much I want to. In fact I don't get to do anything for myself.

I'm presuming your OH contributes something to your life together. Try being a real single parent and doing it all - and I mean everything - yourself.

TheFrogs · 03/12/2011 01:28

It shouldn't be so hard no, your dp should be a responsible parent.

So, he needs to change, and if he wont you have the choice to become a single parent. Just bear in mind that your 20 min run will probably go out of the window, as will 5 min trips to the shop, uninterrupted baths or even toilet breaks. You cant ever be ill either dont forget.

You will also want to give your dp contact I assume and so wont have any control over how he parents the dc when they arent with you.

Think you may be better off having a good chat about it Smile

Original poster
Arana · 03/12/2011 02:41

I'm practically a single parent anyway, the 20 minute run one a week us all I get. Long baths? Toilet breaks? LOL . At least I'd only have two kids to look after rather than three.

OP posts:
AmIthatbad · 03/12/2011 02:49

Wow Op. You're practically a single parent! So you have to work to pay the mortgage, food bills, utilities, etc. And look after your DCs. 'And have a semblance of a life, all by yourself. So your OP doesn't contribute anything financially or emotionally to your family life. Well, of course he musn't. Or else you wouldn't be talking shite.

TheFrogs · 03/12/2011 02:56

Arana, the single parents who have responded aren't deliberately trying to be mean to you. We're trying to be realistic, being a parent isnt easy full stop but for some of us who perhaps weren't in a great emotional or financial place when we had it thrust upon us, well...it's really tough at times and to see someone appearing flippant about it gets backs up. It's not a decision to be taken lightly and if you're serious about it at least spend some time in the lone parents section and see what you might be dealing with.

tigerlillyd02 · 03/12/2011 03:00

I choose to be a single parent. It's fabulous! :)

AmIthatbad · 03/12/2011 03:04

TheFrogs You are too nice. You are probably the type of person I wish I could be more like. I hate being on my own, and I do get mightily pissed off with these '''I may as well be a single parent" threads. People should count their blessings.

And in the meantime, I will try very hard to be nice and not want to smack the pus ofhave deep debates with those that have manged to bag and hang onto a bloke

AmIthatbad · 03/12/2011 03:06

hmmm my strikethroughs seem to have gone a bit squewiff.

TheFrogs · 03/12/2011 03:10

I'm not that nice AmI, I had a really low opinion of single mothers until I was one Grin

TroublesomeEx · 03/12/2011 06:18

I don't think Arana is actually expressing a desire to be a single parent, rather she's frustrated that her DH isn't taking responsibility as a parent and is, clearly if they're playing unsupervised out the front/painting the carpet, not ensuring their safety or wellbeing when she's not directly supervising.

That is frustrating, and not really much of a blessing.

OP, I think you could probably do with suggesting that you and DH establish some ground rules that apply to both of you (I know, I know, you're doing it already!). He needs to contribute to the rules too and then he needs to stick with them. The rules need to include that if you are the only parent with the children then you need to be actively involved with/supervising them.

Being a single parent isn't a walk in the park (I know I've done it - it's lonely, hard and thankless) but neither is being with an unsupportive partner who is more of a liability than anything.

It's the men who deserve the vitriol, not the women who have to put up with them whatever their situation!

coraltoes · 03/12/2011 06:39

Oh come on ladies, why so attacking?!?!

The op has said her relationship is hard work, it doesn't sound like her heart is in it...how do we know the reality there, and why be so horrible to her??

Some single mothers are lucky enough to live near family who help, they rid themselves of leeching or unloving or abusive husbands, they discover they do not need to be stuck in an unhappy relationship for the sake of the kids and their own detriment.

It is clear he is a shit, what man cannot look after his kids for a while, safely, engaging with them. What many wouldn't want to?!id be questioning his role as father in my family for sure if he didn't show enough love and respect to his kids to WANT to play with them and look out for them. I am astonished at how many women on her seem to love with grown up children for DPs. Who spend hours on computers / x box/ play station instead of engaging in family life. What a lovely example to set those kids.

OP when confronted, what does he say to you about his negligent care??

chrimblycompo · 03/12/2011 07:11

If op wants to be a single parent she'd get loads more time to run

Every other weekend and a week day evening

Of course that's a lot more time for her dcs to be running wild and loose with their dad

liveinazoo · 03/12/2011 07:21

cutting loose isnt always a bad thing.yes it can be blody hard but then the good times are exclisively yoursSmile.id suggest trying to sort it with him and if he isnt prepared to ake the effort for your family them give up and go for it.best thing i ever did first time around!

Gonzo33 · 03/12/2011 07:29

I am going to ignore the pp's.

OP I was in a very similar situation to you, although there was also low level dv involved as well.

I walked out on my exh 6mths after having our dc. I moved, and bought a small house for our dc and I to live in. I was then a single parent for 7 years. When I first left it was a fantastic feeling of freedom because I no longer had to deal with his crap laziness. I have never regretted it for a single second.

Being a single parent is hard, but it is not impossible.

HairyGrotter · 03/12/2011 07:52

I'm a lone parent, have been from day dot, I couldn't be happier despite the challenges it brings.

Thing is, if you do decide to leave him, he will have access to your children and you can't just run round there to check on them to ensure he's being responsible. Communicate with him, get him to understand, then decide what you want to do.

It isn't bed of roses, but it's a damn sight better than living in a shitty marriage or partnership.

SolidGoldVampireBat · 03/12/2011 23:04

It is better to be a single parent than to live with a lazy shitbag of a partner. Yes, you might well have more work and less time to yourself, but what you are free of is the awful grinding resentment that this other person in your house, who is supposed to be helping you and parenting with you, is another burden on you instead.

frumpet · 03/12/2011 23:20

Op i have been a single parent and let me tell you it is a damn sight easier to be a single parent than married to someone who doesnt get that they are a parent too.

GypsyMoth · 03/12/2011 23:21

But it's bloody hard to watch the kids go off on access when you think it's unsafe!

Robins · 03/12/2011 23:46

It's plain and simple to me. Too much computer!

CardyMow · 04/12/2011 10:27

Oh FFS! Why are all these Single Parents being so horrid to the OP? I am a Lone parent, with 4 dc. Two of them have SN. Doesn't mean that I can't see what an irritating, passive-agressive Knobber the OP's partner is being!

OP - I had an Ex-P like that. I have now been on my own for 6 months. It is SO MUCH FUCKING EASIER than when I had to deal with another, 36yo child all the time. Now I only have to deal with the extra dc two evenings a week when he comes to my house to see the dc, as HE doesn't trust himself to look after a 10mo baby on his own. Hmm.

But 2 evenings a week is considerably less stressful than having to put up with this utter crapola self-indulgent shitey behaviour all the time.

A lot of men like this actually don't WANT young dc unsepervised - Ex-P is happy to take our 8yo overnight (but only for ONE night a fortnight), because DS2 can pretty much amuse himself. He isn't happy to take 10mo DS3 because he NEEDS constant supervision.

Though I WILL say it IS hard to get a bath, an unaccompanied toilet visit just doesn't happen, and as for a run - not bleeding likely. Upsides and downsides to every situation IMO.

But emotionally I am in a much better place being on my own - it is VERY wearing trying to co-parent with someone who doesn't DO any parenting. Much more so than when you are single and have to accept that you are doing it alone.

OP - YANBU, but IME the only way to solve it is to lose 15 stone of dead weight...

GypsyMoth · 04/12/2011 11:13

Hunty... Why the emphasis on the amount of dc you have?

altinkum · 04/12/2011 11:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Triggles · 04/12/2011 12:06

Good grief. So many people up in arms over a simple venting comment by the OP. Hmm

I'm married now, but was a single parent for years. It is hard work, but so is a relationship where the parenting responsibility is all on one partner. I hardly think the OP was flippantly saying that being a single parent is easy. It sounds like she was merely saying that from a parenting point of view, she's tired of having to be the responsible one all the time, with no help from her partner. Is it REALLY that hard for people to understand where she is coming from? I don't recall having my compassion ripped out when I became a single parent. Hmm

OP, I agree, it can be exhausting. My DH is currently on meds for clinical depression and has a really difficult time dealing with the children right now, especially our DS2 with SNs. He is forgetful and tends to not think things through very well at the moment. This regularly drives me spare as I do feel as if I have no support at all - I have to remember everything, monitor everything, and cannot leave him alone with both children (and often not with either of them, depending on how he is coping any particular day). His counselling is starting soon, thank goodness, or I would probably be sectioned soon. It IS like having another child (or more accurately a stroppy teenager Hmm), and I will admit that aspects of it remind me quite clearly of when I was a single parent, so the comparison is actually IMO fairly accurate.

YANBU to expect your partner to be a responsible adult. If he cannot monitor the children safely while he is on the computer (using this as an example as you did), then I would say you need to discuss the necessity of the computer being off while he is monitoring the children. This is actually a stipulation in our house as well, as DH has difficulty multitasking (yeah, I know, shock that! Grin) and cannot be online and still keep track of the children safely. So when he is in charge of the children (for example when I'm cleaning in the kitchen or doing the grocery shop or whatever), then he turns off the computer until I'm back. He grumbled initially, but it gets tweaked occasionally depending on which child he is watching and what time of day it is (naptime, etc).

niceguy2 · 04/12/2011 12:57

YABU

Firstly the single parent thing obviously....aside from the whole "...but things will be harder", as a full time single dad for 10 years, let me tell you that being a single parent doesn't get rid of the problem, it just gives you a whole different set.

So those annoying times now where you've left him and kids have run amock. Well guess what? Those won't stop. If anything they will be worse as now you have no influence over him and he can do what he likes.

Secondly the problem is that you are expecting your OH to parent to your standards. And therein lies the problem.

I don't see the problem with kids playing in the garden and playing with rainwater. I also don't see the problem with not knowing where exactly your child is at any given moment. I mean if he thought they were inside and they were the other side of the street then that's different. Actually thinking about it, our 4 year old regularly lets himself out and the first thing we know is when he's peddling down the street after his mates.

What I suggest is relaxing a bit, letting things slide and at the same time make him more responsible for the consequences. So ok, the kids coloured on the carpet. He can fix it.

Until you stop being the nagging wife in the background always overreacting (in his opinion), he'll never need to take responsibility for himself as you are always hovering there doing it for him.

Sure this means that accidents will happen but hey, that's how everyone learns isn't it?