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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to give 5yr old DD a mobile phone?

63 replies

OnlyWantsOne · 02/12/2011 11:55

When she goes to her Dad's, she always comes home sad - that she wanted to talk to me but EXP wont let her, or some thing happens, like last weekend, she was smacked in the face by her 1/2 sister, I asked what EXP did, "was she told off etc, I bet daddy gave you a cuddle etc" she said no as he was asleep upstairs as he was SO TIRED! and she wanted to call me as she was all alone and upset...

so, I have an old house brick Nokia phone, AIBU to get a PAYG sim and give it to her with my number in (and only my number) so she can call me if she really needs to?

Was thinking of barring any other number so no other kids can use it when shes there etc....?

OP posts:
DoesNotGiveAFig · 02/12/2011 13:11

You parents need to sort your issues out I think and then you can parent her without the need for a phone.

planetpotty · 02/12/2011 13:46

I see why you want to do this but IMO the issue here isn't the lack of access to a phone (assuming ex has phone/s) but that the ex is not facilitating her using the phone for whatever his reasons are. I honestly think YANBU in being worried but YAB unrealistic to think that ex will not just take the phone away and say it's not needed. What I'm trying to say is you need a fix but I don't think this is it and will in fact just cause more bad feeling for everyone ultimately.

I have a DSD (2 DC with DH also) what we did when she was little (under 6) we let her ring her mum when she wanted - having that freedom seemed to make her happy and it was never an issue. Then 7 + we said you can ring mummy anytime but not once you are in bed (we would if circumstances called for it obviously) it's worked well for us. Even with ex refusing to talk to DH.

It's do difficult when you are trying to make sure you DD is happy understand that - my parents were separated so see it from the Childs view too.

Hmm I'm rambling! Maybe an email or letter asking politely (know it's hard!) to have some sort of arrangement for the telephone contact? Do you ring her at her dads?

It's a bloody minefield! Good luck Smile

Ps very Hmm at the dad and DP upstairs in bed when 5 YO and 2 YO downstairs - no wonder there was an incident.

Rhiana1979 · 02/12/2011 13:49

I would not be allowing my 5 year old daughter in a house where she left alone with a 2 year old whilst my ex was upstairs having a quickie a nap with his girlfriend.

But then again I'm 5 days overdue with my first and feeling bitchy and fed up intolerant

Original poster
OnlyWantsOne · 02/12/2011 13:53

I dont have any phone number for him other than mobile,
dont even know where he lives - we meet at a drop off point

i just feel so sad for her when she comes home with hot sad tears how sad she was etc and there was no one to "give me loves" :(

OP posts:
planetpotty · 02/12/2011 13:59

Why don't you know where he lives?!? Thats terrible, I think you need to get some foundations built here for how this is working. Is the contact part of a contact order or just an arrangement between you?

Tell me to bugger off if you want to I can take it Grin

Original poster
OnlyWantsOne · 02/12/2011 14:05

its a contact order (history of DV)

OP posts:
StaceymAloneForver · 02/12/2011 14:07

i would feel uncomfortable about this arrangement, can you go back to court? when was this put in place?

planetpotty · 02/12/2011 14:16

Hmm will be very difficult to bargain (sorry for want of a better word) is there anything he wanted when sorting the contact order that he didn't get that you could offer - for instance he wanted to be able to go to the nativity play. You could offer this in exchange for DD being allowed to ring (within reason) when she wants to.

I understand to some the language above may seem wrong but given there is an order without going back to court this will be hard to fix.

Re not having his address etc I would text once asking for his e-mail address saying I need to make contact about DD then if no reply after a day I would send the whole lot as a text.

mollymole · 02/12/2011 14:16

I would not allow my child to visit him under the circumstances you describe.
You say that you do not know where he lives and that he and his new partner leave a 2 year old and a 5 year old unsupervised, this is quite clearly unsafe.

Does your daughter actually want to visit him, she appears to be upset by the circumstances she is finding herself in.

If needs be get a new contact order and try to arrange for them to meet at a contact centre.

Original poster
OnlyWantsOne · 02/12/2011 14:19

to be honest, im terrified if we go back to court he will get more contact, over nights and 1/2 holidays etc -

i contact him via text and email - but it always turns into "i want, if i dont get i will do X" from him

i just want her to know shes not alone and she can call me if she wants to

OP posts:
teenswhodhavethem · 02/12/2011 14:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
OnlyWantsOne · 02/12/2011 14:30

How am I making a massive mountain out of a two year old hitting her in the face?

Thats not the essential problem is it, the problem is X being in bed with his girl friend leaving 5yr old DD to mind 2yr old down stairs...

OP posts:
teenswhodhavethem · 02/12/2011 14:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

planetpotty · 02/12/2011 14:41

teens makes a good point.

It's so hard almost impossible to sort problems like this when the parties don't speak. Is there a third person like his mum you could speak to?

Original poster
OnlyWantsOne · 02/12/2011 14:43

teens - use it to track me?? what?

im going to write to him, give it to him at the weekend when i collect DD in the evening.

wont even mention no money from him since feb

OP posts:
teenswhodhavethem · 02/12/2011 14:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

planetpotty · 02/12/2011 14:49

Good idea especially that you're going to give it to him after contact and not when you drop her off as then if it causes crap to fly she won't hear any of it.

planetpotty · 02/12/2011 14:54

Know OP didn't suggest the spying through the phone but I'm very Confused probably illegal and would cause a shit storm (rightly) if discovered. Also I think it would be counteractive in making OP and DDs situation better.

AntiqueAnteater · 02/12/2011 15:03

if the child phones you, obviously in distress, you wont be able to fetch her because you have no idea where she is, which will make you panic and anxious and helpless

Original poster
OnlyWantsOne · 02/12/2011 17:31

No intention of spending more money that I don't have on phone for her. Just want to use the old Nokia phone.

OP posts:
maypole1 · 02/12/2011 18:07

Giving a 5 year old a phone won't help her being un happy

You need to talk to the person who is in charge or her when she is their

If your worried about her safety then she should not be their

maypole1 · 02/12/2011 18:11

Sorting out with the dad is a much better solution

Also giving a balanced view its not boing enable him to instil much discipline if every time something happens she can phone a friend

Op I am not saying your child is lying but children do make things up when their not getting tier own way or she could be jelouse

Either way the adults need to get control of this giving her a mobile phone won't help it will make it worse

maypole1 · 02/12/2011 18:13

And to all those peope who are taking about listening devices you are FOOLS

If you need to go that far with someone you should not be handing your child over to them

lurkinginthebackground · 02/12/2011 18:16

I would be very concerned that 2 parents, your ex and his partner, find it ok to leave a 5 year old (and not even a full sister at that) in charge of a 2 year old.

I wouldn't want my children to go somewhere that I didn't know but I am not in your situation.
I am not sure if the phone is a good idea or not. What an awful situation.

ShirleyKnot · 02/12/2011 18:19

Fuck ME.

Onlywantsone, you poor thing, and your poor little girl.

I'm not sure why your court order provides this cunt with access, (maybe because it's all fucked up) but it does and you need to work within that frame to prevent falling foul of the law.

I'm not even going to get into the rights (none) and wrongs (many) of this as you are scared and worried about your child.

Give her the phone. Teach her how to use it, and give her her voice back (the one that she can use to speak to you and get her loves)

Sending you love and support.