Super fussy / possibly OCD sil coming to stay!

[mashedbananaontoast]

My brother & Sil are coming to stay tomorrow after having stayed at my Mum's for the past week.
Sil has always been very demanding & brother has always been very accommodating to her "needs".

Examples of past behaviour:

1. Yesterday made my (75 yr old mother) walk around trying 4 different restaurants for the flavour soup she wanted , nothing pleased her so she went to McD's. Mum too polite to say she was tired, brother too downtrodden to put foot down.
2. She refuses to get into sync with her jet lag with her guests & lies in til afternoon & then keeps people up half the night with her clonking around & talking.
3. Makes travelling anywhere hard as she doesn't like sharing "car air" with other people.
4. Talks incessantly about topics for hours that interest her, & gets cross when anyone tries to change the subject.

This is just the tip of the iceberg.

AIBU to not accomodate every need whilst she is our guest. We have 3 young dcs and we just can't drop everything to please her. Where do you draw the line between guest is pandered to & guest also has to fall in line & be polite?
But if she is OCD how do we handle her everyday stresses?
Help!

I'm afraid I am quite blunt with people like that.

My friend from America came over this summer and she had to be told to her face, quite often that she was being silly.

She sounds more like a spoilt princess than someone with OCD but of course, that's just going on your OP.

Personally, I wouldn't pander to her. You have 3 young children to look after and she's agreed to stay with you, knowing that.

If she doesn't fall in with the way things are, let your brother pander to her and just carry on as you like.

Yes agree she is spoilt but she also has a history of addiction & just generally has quite obsessive behaviour.
For eg she called the waiter over in a restaurant with my Mum the other day to wipe the table again as it had finger prints on it!
I know my dh will find it hard to keep his cool if she behaves like that with us.

She doesn't like sharing car air with people but chooses to eat at McD's?
WTAF
Do not pander to this spoilt bitch.

I don't think I've ever advocated the use of "a good slap", but this is an exception!

She sounds ludicrous and I think you should be treating her like a toddler.

Don't like sharing "car air"? Ok then, we're leaving without you. Have fun all on your own in the empty house while we are enjoying ourselves in a nice restaurant/cinema/bowling/whatever.

Hide several alarm clocks around the bedroom and set them at around 15 minutes apart. Then when she complains tell her "You get up with us or you get out that door".

Just remember... "My house, my rules!"

It doesn't sound like OCD per se but it does sound less than mentally well. I'm afraid I don't really have an answer for you as to what you should do. Does she have a diagnosis?

It's probably best to remember that living like this is not particularly easy for her either, and being cross about it isn't really going to be helpful. I have a lot of family members with mental health problems and listing their behaviours as shocking sort of misses the point. When you are not very well mentally and it is not controlled, your behaviour may at times be irrational. You will find her behaviour irrational but it would be U to be angry or annoyed at her for being essentially unwell.

It sounds like you need to find out more about what makes her act like this if there are identified problems and perhaps that understanding will make it easier to know how to deal with her?

And no. She should not be "pandered" to. If she wants to be a guest she can fuck off and stay in a hotel that she can clean to her hearts content. If she wants to be a member of the family she can fall in line with the rest of you and stop acting like a ridiculous twunt.

Also it is VVVVVU if you are posting here to detail all the shocking things she does so that people will tell you that she is a spoilt bitch who needs a slap if you are in possession of facts that she does, in fact, have a mental illness. If you are serious about getting some support for how to deal with that rather than wanting to bitch about how outrageous she is, you will find a Mental Health subforum on the Discussion list.

Mentally ill?

I have OCD and think she just sounds like a spoilt princess. Even if it is OCD, it isn't an excuse for bad behaviour.

Anyway, most of the "pandering" I require is things like accepting my apology for fixing their kitchen (so embarrassing when you realise you've just closed someone's cupboard doors and rehung their tea towel) and laughing things off. OCD isn't about being demanding, it's usually about silly things and I've never met someone who genuinely has it who doesn't try to hide it a bit and do their upmost to limit its impact on others.

But conversely, she may not be mentally unwell. She could just be a genuinely spoilt-rotten bitch.

I know a few people like this who take things to extremes. None of them have any mental health issues whatsoever. They are just incredibly stuck-up and think that the world revolves around them.

It not just car air - we suggested going ice skating, but apparently she doesn't like borrowing skates as she has a problem with other peoples sweaty feet having worn them!
Thing is we want the weekend to go well (or as well as it could do), but just don't know how we will handle "situations" when they arise - speak to my brother to sort her out or directly to her. Also if she gets upset and things don't go her way she makes his life difficult. Bless her cotton socks she is hard work & my poor bro is one big sucker! BTW she is 50, so should in theory be old enough to know how to behave when she is a guests in someones house.[sceptical]

oh for heavens sakes... this isnt a woman with a mental illness!!

If she doesn't want to do something then she doesn't have to. But it doesn't mean that no-one else has to do the activity!

"Ok hun, have fun sitting on the sidelines and watching us while we have fun!"

If she makes life difficult then just ignore her and do what you were going to do anyway.

Yeah, but the OP initially gave a whole list of bad behaviour and then put in as a caveat that she does have an addiction and obsessive behaviour... so which is it?

Why use the language of mental illness and ask how to help with her stresses while simultaneously going on about how ridiculous she is ? It's one or the other I'm afraid.

If OP wants to just talk about her as a spoilt princess, post as that without making references to OCD/addiction/obsessive behaviour. It sounds like she does have some diagnosed issues or issues she has had professional help with.

It's actually impossible to judge on what we've been told. Not wanting to share car air, not wanting to touch off things that other people have touched/contaminated, worrying about finger prints on a table.. these do not sound like "normal" behaviours to me, but if they are just spoiled behaviours, sell them as that without making references to mental health diagnoses willy-nilly.

working 9while5 - I don't want to be told she is a spoilt bitch at all - in fact she is no bitch, she is actually kind & generous on a general level. I am aware that there are issues but was genuinely trying to work out how to handle things whilst she is here, whether she is officially OCD or not. My guess is that there is something more than just being spoilt but I still want the weekend to go smoothly and am stressed as to how to deal with it - officially diagnosed or not!

I don't think it sounds like OCD, which is actually an incredibly traumatising illness. Unfortunately a lot of people loosely apply the term to mean "likes things clean" or "superstitious". I don't have it, BTW, but the misconception really annoys me as it belittles what people go through.

OCD doesn't make you demanding and spoilt if things don't go "your way", it makes you genuinely terrified and panicky. I think you'd know if it was the latter.

StealthPenguin has got it exactly right. I freak out over ice skates and bowling shoes (some days I can do it, some days I can't) but I'd never let it affect what the group is doing. It's my problem so I sit on the sidelines.

OCD doesnt mean she cannot be told that her demands are unrealistic and inconsiderate to others. Mental illness does not give you a licence to trample on others and get your way. Yes sometimes allowances have to be made but life does not evolve around SIL and she would probably do better for learning that.

I lived with an OCD lass like you waiting - i used to catch her blushing and apologising for putting the kitchen i had just tidied in "order". I never did get the pots in the right place.

I don't think we have enough information either way. I had OCD in my last pregnancy. I wouldn't touch off door handles and was obsessive about wiping down surfaces and I used to be absolutely terrified of going to work on the train and sharing train air to the point that I insisted my husband drive me to work from the second trimester on which was nearly 40 miles out of his way every morning. He did this because I was literally shaking with fear and crying my eyes out because the air in the carriage was going to kill me. It would be very easy for someone who didn't see the genuine state I was in to write that I was "demanding" my husband drove me to work because I was pregnant, when really I was very unwell and had no rational sense of how I was behaving. I truly believed it was absolutely okay to insist that my husband drove me to work because after all, I was going to die if he didn't and to me it was a reasonable request in the circumstances.

Thankfully eventually I got treatment and in my case it was very much tied to pregnancy and it just disappeared about six weeks after delivery. However, I am under the care of a perinatal mental illness team this time because it was quite serious.

If you have a normal level of freaking out about things, of course you won't let it affect other people, because it is normal to freak out about some things. It is not normal to expect people to fall in with your fears and run their lives around them and if this is happening and it is a generally nice, generous person doing it, they are probably unwell and totally out of touch with how irrational they are being.

I don't know what the advice is yet, though I am hoping I will find out this pregnancy though touch wood I haven't had a recurrence of symptoms.

But if she is OCD, is it unreasonable for us to put our dcs needs above hers (eg if she wants to go on a search for a particular type of soup again and we need to get kids home?)

Ds1 has obsessive compulsive behaviours but he still doesn't dictate how the rest of the family behaves. It's a balance but you don't have to (nor should you actually) be roped into engaging in any obsessions or compulsions and nor should she be controlling your behaviour. It's one thing we absolutely refuse to allow ds1 to do however loudly he screams. He actually better with this s well - if we start allowing him to control it all gets a bit wooly and he really can't cope with it.

It's my experience that actually clear strict boundaries work well with people with anxiety related issues (well with kids and young adults, but I presume it's the same for adults). So I would just say 'right this is what we're doing tomorrow, this is the time we're leaving' and just head on out. If she's still in bed leave her behind. WRT to changing restaurants I really wouldn't. DS1 gets dizzy with too much choice and his anxiety rockets. I would decide on a restaurant before you go out then stick by that decision (book a table). If she starts calling people over to wipe the tables I would perhaps sidle up to the waiter and apologise rather than hit the roof with her. Maybe bring wipes out with you if she's likely to do that so she can wipe the table.

Just be very clear beforehand what you are doing, then stick by it. Give her notice 'tomorrow we will be doing this at such and such a time', but decide then don't budge.

She could be on the autistic spectrum. If she doesn't want to do it she doesn't have to. I think my house, my rules....Someone needs to say we're eating here , book the table so there is no choice. She doesn't have to eat there. Take charge you are the host. I'm glad she is nice in other areas.

As I said, I don't know. I expect not.. however, it's tricky.

I can see that in my case, with the benefit of hindsight and now being rational, that the fact that my husband didn't really challenge how ridiculous I was being made it seem as though I was right and my behaviour was rational.
However, I was so unwell that I don't know if it would have helped if he had done this without professional support as I reckon I would just have screeched a lot and been incredibly distressed because I really, really, really didn't get that my behaviour was unreasonable. It was totally, utterly and undeniably logical to me at the time, as I am sure your SIL's will be.

I think the people on the Mental Health subforum probably know a lot more about this, and perhaps there are people who are more experienced with these things than I who can give you pointers. I just don't know the answer!

If she wants to go on a soup hunt tell her she is on her own as you have things to do. She is 50 and can look after herself - if not she has your brother. You look after your kids and let them sort themselves out.