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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about having all input into my DD 1st birthday taken away from me?

45 replies

ReebleBeeble · 01/12/2011 22:02

I normally get on with my In-laws. They're a bit overbearing and snobbish but on the whole their hearts are in the right places. Usually.

My DD (their 3rd GD) was born on Christmas Day last year and since then I've felt like I'm just a brood mare and that I'm not actually allowed any input into anything remotely fun. This year our presence has practically been demanded at SIL's for Christmas day. Its not too much of an issue because my family are miles away and couldnt give two figs about this time of year but I felt MIL was a tad unreasonable asking us to stay Christmas eve right through til the day after boxing day. We've explained that we'd like to spend a bit of time as a family which ended up with MIL being a bit stroppy but eventually worked something out.

I've really been looking forward to baking my daughter a cake, buying her her first christmas outfit, decorating the house for her birthday party (in the morning, Christmas is after midday), buying her christmas PJ's (family tradition) and sewing her a stocking. Out of the blue MIL announced she'd bought DD a christmas outfit. I was a bit upset but let it go- I still had loads of things I could do! MIL wanted to buy her PJs but I said no, and explained my reasons. Cue another strop but she accepted it. Now I find out that not only has the PJs been bought, but so has the cake, a stocking, decorations for the party AND a party outfit. I havent seen any of it and feel really left out of my own childs celebrations. Even my DP is upset. Ive tried explaining time and time again how I want to do these firsts with a daughter I was told medically would never exist but they laugh and tell me how silly Im being. Theyve done all this before with their 2 other GD's (now aged 16 and 14 and so spoiled I want to slap them), Isnt it my turn?

Am I BU? Or just a bit precious?

OP posts:
auntmargaret · 01/12/2011 22:05

YANBU. I would stay home and have my own party, go to SIL on Boxing Day.

lifechanger · 01/12/2011 22:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnotherMincepie · 01/12/2011 22:07

YANBU. Not surprised you're feeling left out, and your MIL doesn't seem to be listening to the way you're feeling. You do have every right to do these "firsts" with your daughter. Can you make a list with your MIL and divide it, so it's clear which are your things to do, and which are hers? Then if it's all "hers" on the list she'll soon see how unfair that looks!

babybythesea · 01/12/2011 22:09

Nope, not at all U.

I think you should still go ahead and get the things you wanted to. She can wear the pj's you bought her, and you can tell MIL that she will wear hers on Boxing Day (new tradition - boxing day pj's from Granny!).
Stocking, cake, outfit - again, do what you wanted and use your one.

And then maybe let them do the decorations.
And if there are issues, explain that you had told them you wanted to do it and it matters to you but the outfit they have is lovely - maybe your dd could wear it another day etc etc.

Hope there is something in there that helps - not nice when you've planned something, and it's so important. If your DP is on side that helps - he can do a lot of the explaining as it's likely to sound better coming from him.

Shenanagins · 01/12/2011 22:11

Do all of the stuff you intended to do - cakes, pj's etc as you have already said that you were going to do it and have explained your reasons. You could always lie and say that you have already got the stuff.

montmartre · 01/12/2011 22:11

So this is her first Christmas AND her first birthday?

YANBU at all. Do what you want, in your own way. So what if granny has bought Pjs, and an outfit? Her 'Christmas' pjs are from you. Surely you'll be the one caring for her and dressing her?

notmyproblem · 01/12/2011 22:13

Learn to say no to your ILs. Just. Say. No. At the moment you're more concerned with MILs feelings than your own, and that has to change.

  • people can't take advantage of you unless you let them
  • she's not making you feel bad, YOU'RE making you feel bad
  • you can't change her, you can only change your reactions to her
  • the person who cares the least in the relationship controls it

After all, she is clearly not concerned about your feelings, is she? She only does what she wants, and depends on you to care more about her and what she thinks than she does about you and what you think. She relies on the fact that she can guilt-trip and bully you to get what she wants.

You really need to learn to stand up to her. No great confrontation or argument needed, no rudeness or angry words, just say "no we won't be doing that" "no I don't want that" "that's nice but DD will be wearing what I bought and having the cake that I baked" etc. etc. No need to give a reason, just say no.

Don't worry about hurting her feelings... she doesn't worry about hurting yours, does she?

AnotherMincepie · 01/12/2011 22:16

Tell your MIL that Boxing Day is "the second day of Christmas" and since it's traditionally a day relating to gifts, it would be particularly nice to use the things she's given your DD on Boxing Day :)

NanaNina · 01/12/2011 22:16

YANBU - and I am a MIL! I can't believe this woman is so insensitive - of course it's lovely to buy things for grandchildren and I suppose for her it's been a long time since she was able to by things for a little girl baby, but you had told her you wanted to buy the PJs but she went ahead and bought all the other things too. She has certainly over stepped the mark and at best I suppose she thinks she is "helping" and at worse she wants to have her own way over you, which is just not on.

I think you have a choice - either you go along with it and grit your teeth, you tell her what you feel, but still go for Xmas, you say nothing and go for Xmas but make sure it is the last time that this happens. The other option is that you tell her how upset you are and won't be going. This option is probably going to cause a lot of upset, but it's your call really.

Think your DP should be the one to explain again to his mother about how upset you both are, as you feel your child's 1st birthday and Christmas have been "taken over" by her, and on the basis of how she takes this, then you can decide if any compromise can be made, which I have to say would be preferable because your child has the right to both sets of grandparents and extended family.

auntmargaret · 01/12/2011 22:17

I can understand MIL being excited, since your DD is so much younger than other GDs, but she is overstepping boundaries here. You must do it your way, otherwise you will regret it. First birthdays are special, and very emotional for mothers (or is that just me?). I made dd1s first birthday cake, never done it since and she's 9 in January, but I will do the same for dd2 at her first birthday in February. Please do it your way, just tel mil kindly but firmly that you already had plans and you will stick with those. Good luck.

iggi999 · 01/12/2011 22:17

I wouldn't bother negociating, they are already ignoring you.
Just use the stuff you've bought. Forget to pack stuff they've given you, or "whoops that's poo on the xmas outfit thank goodness mummy has a spare".
I think you're mad to go away for several nights with a one-year-old anyway, what more do they want.

Walkinginwonderland · 01/12/2011 22:17

Notmyproblem is spot on.

Lizcat · 01/12/2011 22:18

Maybe start of having an official birthday this year - you are going to need to have one for parties etc. So how about celebrating your DD's birthday at home the weekend before with your own home made cake when she can wear your special outfit.
Then all through Christmas day you can smile and know you did it all first.

After 10 years I have come to understand that my mother in law doesn't really care how I feel so I have adopted this attitude. This year she has me cooking her choice of joint, the way she wants it cooked, at the time she wants it cooked for, in my house! My MIL is old and stubborn and is not going to change however much I throw myself around and family peace is worth the devious nature of what I do.

RitaMorgan · 01/12/2011 22:19

You don't need to use any of the stuff MIL bought - just say, "oh what a pity, can you take it back? I already got all that stuff".

hatebeak · 01/12/2011 22:23

YANBU in any way. You need to stop this - it's utterly unreasonable of your MIL. I know she has a right to be excited too, but she has forgotten that it's your child and there are things that parents want to do for their children. You need to put a stop to it now or it'll get worse, and as your daughter gets bigger, it'll only get more fraught. Can you drive? Is it a shortish journey to their house? I would be hugely inclined to go over in the afternoon, to be honest...Otherwise, allow her to do what you can deal with - the outfit for example - and just do what you want to do with the other stuff. Good luck!

Cherriesarelovely · 01/12/2011 22:30

notmyproblem that is so well put.

OP, my ex MIL used to do things like this, constantly. It got to the point where she once looked after my dd for the afternoon when she was about 3 and she came back with a really short haircut! My ex MIL had just decided to cut her hair because she felt like it! Anyway, eventually she became my ex MIL and I really didn't see how domineering and controlling she was being until I met my new DP. She saw the situation so clearly and just said "NO", she said all the things that notmyproblem has just written to you.

I ended up having it out with ex MIL and laying down some stern groundrules. She didn't like it but we are fine now. My DP was absolutely right. Please stand up to them, they are B very, very U.

Original poster
ReebleBeeble · 01/12/2011 22:31

Thanks everyone, Im glad Im not just being precious!
notmyproblem- the thing is, I do stand up to her. Constantly, and to her credit (or mine) she almost always backs down. But now Im getting a bit of a rep for constantly saying no and I cant help but feel that I should have let more minor things slide in the past so that I could have more of a standing on this one.

Its not just MIL, SIL is in on this too so its almost like I'm outnumbered. I'd love to ask them to return things because I have them already but they asked if I had bought or done any of these things yet. When I said no, they said "oh not to worry, cos we have it all for you!" Bugger! I think DP is going to have to ring them and say ta very much, but we want to do it our way. Still feel ungrateful though, especially as we live rent free in one of their properties and theyre paying for our wedding in June!

OP posts:
AnyoneforTurps · 01/12/2011 22:31

YANBU. You must stand firm now or it will only get worse. Be calm but firm and don't give into emotional blackmail.

CheerfulYank · 01/12/2011 22:42

Just say no! My best friend has the most interfering princess of a MIL ever and had to basically scream at her to stop her from buying my friend's DD her first Easter dress, among other things.

Hold your ground OP.

scarletforya · 01/12/2011 22:48

So she laughs and tells you how silly you're being. Well that can cut both ways. Totally do your own thing, stand your ground and don't use any of the stuff she bought, if she objects just laugh and tell her not to be silly.

Portofino · 01/12/2011 22:53

I would being telling dh that we have sorted our own stuff for Xmas day and that everything will be lovely as a treat on Boxing day, thanks very much, and making sure he passes on the message....

northernwreck · 01/12/2011 22:54

I get where you are coming from OP.
My mum, among other things baked my ds his first birthday cake (even though she knew I had made one, she brought hers too "just in case") gave him his first Easter egg, routinely bought his new clothes every season,(like a parent would, not the odd hoodie or whatever, but socks, pants, the lot) until I asked her to stop.
She still gets highly offended if another relative buys him an item of clothing, and say "well i'm not allowed to!"
The reason I had to stop her was because If I don't reign her in, she will take over so many things that I feel are my right as his mother.
She doesn't seem to get how to be a grandparent, and is always trying to be a parent.
It's difficult to explain sometimes to people, because they think I am lucky she wants to do all these things, but actually it is very undermining.
Nip it in the bud. She will learn eventually.

cunexttuesonline · 01/12/2011 22:58

Yep, I would just not use the stuff that she has bought, she is your DD, wtf is wrong with these overbearing MIL's?! I have a similar one, but not as bad as what you mention really.

Almostfifty · 01/12/2011 23:01

Start as you mean to go on. Or this will keep happening throughout your daughter's life.

She's your child, and you and your other half are in charge.

PontyMython · 01/12/2011 23:02

Stay home, your reason can be that the 25th is primarily her birthday and as such you will be spending it alone. You will really regret it if you don't.

Sorry they are so interfering. They can still give her the stuff they bought, on boxing day or whenever.

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