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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU about having all input into my DD 1st birthday taken away from me?

45 replies

ReebleBeeble · 01/12/2011 22:02

I normally get on with my In-laws. They're a bit overbearing and snobbish but on the whole their hearts are in the right places. Usually.

My DD (their 3rd GD) was born on Christmas Day last year and since then I've felt like I'm just a brood mare and that I'm not actually allowed any input into anything remotely fun. This year our presence has practically been demanded at SIL's for Christmas day. Its not too much of an issue because my family are miles away and couldnt give two figs about this time of year but I felt MIL was a tad unreasonable asking us to stay Christmas eve right through til the day after boxing day. We've explained that we'd like to spend a bit of time as a family which ended up with MIL being a bit stroppy but eventually worked something out.

I've really been looking forward to baking my daughter a cake, buying her her first christmas outfit, decorating the house for her birthday party (in the morning, Christmas is after midday), buying her christmas PJ's (family tradition) and sewing her a stocking. Out of the blue MIL announced she'd bought DD a christmas outfit. I was a bit upset but let it go- I still had loads of things I could do! MIL wanted to buy her PJs but I said no, and explained my reasons. Cue another strop but she accepted it. Now I find out that not only has the PJs been bought, but so has the cake, a stocking, decorations for the party AND a party outfit. I havent seen any of it and feel really left out of my own childs celebrations. Even my DP is upset. Ive tried explaining time and time again how I want to do these firsts with a daughter I was told medically would never exist but they laugh and tell me how silly Im being. Theyve done all this before with their 2 other GD's (now aged 16 and 14 and so spoiled I want to slap them), Isnt it my turn?

Am I BU? Or just a bit precious?

OP posts:

Original poster

ReebleBeeble · 01/12/2011 23:03

Gosh, northernwreck, thats does sound familiar! I've long given up on the clothes side of things. She buys DD outfits from Gap and Levi's and she even has some Guess pram shoes that she wears two or three times then is grown out of it. But meh. If she wants to waste her money, its up to her. And she does REALLY love buying her presents. Ive been told before that Im ungrateful for all the help they give us, both emotionally and finacially. Im not, I cant believe people can be so generous, but I always feel like each gift or bit of help comes with a price.

scarletforya I like that idea. A lot :D

OP posts:

thefurryone · 01/12/2011 23:12

OP YANBU my MIL can be a bit like this, generally she's just trying to be helpful which does sometimes make me feel like a bit of a bitch when I say know or insist on doing things my way.

It is lovely that they want to make things special for your DD and I think some of the ideas such as wake up in mummy's special pjs go to sleep in Granny's will help. perhaps say to MIL that you're worried about DD's birthday being consumed by christmas so suggest a special tea and birthday cake at Granny's house between christmas & new year, that could become a yearly thing, makes Granny feel included and means your DD will still have a fuss made when she's old enough to know what's going on.

thefurryone · 01/12/2011 23:13

I actually say No rather than know to my MIL

RumourOfAHurricane · 01/12/2011 23:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

NoOnesGoingToEatYourMincePies · 01/12/2011 23:22

It's not her first anything OP, it's just stuff they bought.

YOU can still buy her and make her all the things you want to and make sure she has them on the day.

The stuff they bought doesn't count if you don't want her to have it, wear it or use it. It only counts once it's being worn or used.

Is your DH likely to stand up to his family if necessary, and back you up when you say that the two of you want some say in your daughter's birthday and Christmas celebrations?

You can always stay at home you know. Don't feel bad about doing that.

cheeseandmarmitesandwich · 01/12/2011 23:33

I can sympathise- had a real stand-off with MIL over DD1's first birthday present- I said I wanted to get her a trike, next thing SHE had bought one- she also planned and made the cake without even thinking that I might want to do it.

In the end I let it slide, but since then I've always been much more upfront. We also rarely celebrate birthdays at their house now.

flyingspaghettimonster · 02/12/2011 01:15

TBH, if it were me I would probably hold my daughter's birthday the week before her birthday (I am an 18th Dec birthday) and do all my things then as a birthday party, and keep it traditonally as a special day to celebrate her birth, because a Christmas birthday is going to suck when she is older sharing it with everyone else. Could you use her Saint/name day like Polish people do? Or celebrate her conception day. I don't mean this year obviously - but from now on? I'm not saying don't tell in laws they are too controlling and you want some of your things used, but I would still hold your own separate event and not be too harsh on them or they might get cold and standoffish and resent you for years... I've learned to pick my battles with my in laws.

springydaffs · 02/12/2011 01:37

YANBU. They#ve got you by the balls a bit with the rent-free and the wedding haven't they

also the whining and pouting if you don't do what she wants - that's not on. imo this looks like the thin end of the wedge tbh and I would really keep your eye on her iiwy, start as you mean to go on. which is that you want to spend christmas day alone as a family with your dd on her first birthday. I wouldn't budge on that.

notmyproblem 's post is excellent also scarlet 's re if she objects just laugh and tell her not to be silly . Brilliant!

lifechanger · 02/12/2011 05:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SantaDesperatelySeeksSedatives · 02/12/2011 07:35

YANBU at all. I am a bit at some of the anti MIL attitudes on MN at times but I do think your MIL has been a bit out of order. She's already had her turn at all this- organising special events for her DC. It's your turn now. It is fun to organise your DC's first birthday and christmas and fun planning both and didn't really want too much input from anyone apart from DD's dad ofcourse.

I'd be very firm with MIL and tell her that while it's lovely she's bought all this stuff for DD you have unfortunately bought stuff/organised things yourself already (whether you have or not, she doesn't need to know the truth) so blah, blah, blahh, thaks for your input but it isn't really needed. Polite, firm she can strop if she wants. For the record my MIL is a bit the same and honestly polite firm (and talking to her like I would my 4 year old on occasion) is the only way to get through to her at times.

Hope the day itself is lovely and magical!

Morloth · 02/12/2011 07:36

Stop taking their money.

She is pretty much buying your compliance.

exoticfruits · 02/12/2011 07:43

Normally I stand up for MIL, who get a rough deal, but you are not being precious and she is being very unfair.
I would stand against her with DP and just change your arrangements-stay at home on Christmas Day.If not be very firm and take Santadesperatelyseekingsedative's advice. You need to make the boundries from the start-politely or you will get more of the same.

skybluepearl · 02/12/2011 07:51

Just make the cake and put the outfits you want on her anyway on Xmas day. OR celebrate her birthday on Xmas eve each year instead.

pigletmania · 02/12/2011 07:59

I would put your dd in YOUR pj, and hang YOUR stocking, mabey in the morning put your Christmas outfit on, and than theirs in the afternoon, it might get grubby so she might need a change anyway . Stand strong, just because they bought stuff does not mean it has to be worn, you can compromise. Yes bake your dd a cake, just as you were going to yourself anyway.

pigletmania · 02/12/2011 08:01

Or have Christmas at home in the morning, than come later in the afternoon to your IL's, you don't have to do anything you don't want to, stand firm.

vincettenoir · 02/12/2011 14:42

Ynbu. I would be tempted not to go. But you don't want to have bad feeling over Xmas, so I don't think that would be the answer. But make sure you do exactly what you want next year.

As an aside although MIL sounds like a childish cow you're daughter is lucky to have so many people who care about her.

Pandemoniaa · 02/12/2011 14:50

NoOnesGoingToEatYourMincePies is right. What they have bought is their stuff. What you have bought for your DD is the first.

I am a MIL and I also have dgd whose first birthday is a month away today. It would never occur to me to control how that lovely day is to be celebrated. But I do think it is possible for you to accept these gifts and not be seen to say no. I can't imagine my dgd managing to stay in one outfit across the course of a day (this is down to mucky mischief rather than preciousness!) so I'm sure she can wear the clothes you and MIL bought. It's just that she'll wear your choices first, that's all.

BlueFergie · 02/12/2011 15:03

Agree with Morloth if the money is used as a stick to beat you and you feel beholden then don't take it anymore.
You will end up 'selling' traditions and memories to them because of it.
Stand on your own feet and answer only to yourselves. You won't regret it.

NanaNina · 02/12/2011 15:26

Ah have just noticed you live rent free in one of their properties and are paying for your wedding in June - think in those circumstances you have to take the rough with the smooth.

AntiqueAnteater · 02/12/2011 15:38

why instead of fighting them on every daft little thing, all work together to make a fabulous day for everyone (the baby wont give a stuff btw)

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