to not tell dh that I have booked a private dating scan for tomorrow and go alone?

[working9while5]

I am asking genuinely how to handle this...

I am 12 weeks + 5 with dc2.

I have had a bit of a topsy turvy pregnancy so far. Had a lot of pelvic/back pain early on so went for an early scan at what by my dates were 6+5 to see that pregnancy appeared to be only 5+4. I was worried this meant the pregnancy might not continue, especially as I had a lot of pain.

Three weeks after this the pain got dramatically worse. Essentially, it was as if I was in labour and I ended up in A and E where they took one look at me and told me I had an undiagnosed ectopic or was miscarrying as I was on all fours and basically writhing in pain. They sent me for a scan before d and c and there was the little embryo, dancing about looking healthy.. which was GREAT but they never really got to the bottom of why I was in such tremendous pain. They just sent me home!

I had booking with midwife following week, and booked for the Nuchal Scan which has to be done by 13+6, I think.. but when the date came through it was for 15+2!!! I'm not even sure what the purpose of that scan is as it's too late for dating AND Nuchal.

In my head, I'd been holding out for next week AT THE LATEST for this scan. I know that the extra three days might not seem like much but really I feel like I am hanging on by the skin of my teeth from not totally LOSING IT, and I've been feeling really stressed out.

Dh just doesn't get it. As far as he's concerned, we had a good scan and that is that and it is silly to worry about the pregnancy. He is really angry with me for not wanting to share the news with our families because he thinks I am being anxious about nothing. We are going to his family this weekend and he is repeatedly saying he wants us to tell them when I am not happy to do so until I have an end-of-first trimester scan. I suggested booking a private scan last week and got a date for after work for him etc etc but he was not happy with this as a solution either and basically told me I couldn't have it!

I don't know why is being such an arse about this. I understand that he had a very different experience in the hospital to me and he can't know, as I do, that my pain was identical to my labour pain and that it's hard for me to accept that it was probably "wind" as the discharging midwife said (!!!!!). The doctor in the A and E was under no such illusions from just looking at me that I was in significant pain but dh just can't see why I am being "so negative". I don't feel negative, I just feel I need reassurance before I am willing to tell everyone.

So, I booked a scan for tomorrow. He can't get off work this week, I know he can't... so I would have to go solo and arrange childcare for our boy. I am very uncomfortable with not telling him because we're not the kind of couple that keeps that kind of thing from eachother BUT at the same time I'm not happy to wait nearly three weeks for this next scan and he's not happy with the idea of a private scan either. I am really torn. I don't like the idea of secrets and lies but I don't want to just let him veto this scan either because I am really feeling quite distressed about it and it is interfering with my everyday life. I feel really wrecked and overwhelmed and stressed out and I want to move on.

AIBU? What should I do instead if I am?

My feelings on this are as follows:

I would tell him about the scan after you have been. If he is stressed about stuff at work, he might feel pressurised to support you and feel that you are telling him because you want him to come with you even though you tell him that you don't.

We nearly lost DD and she was born prematurely by EMCS. I wanted to talk about it. I wanted to talk to DH about how I felt, how relieved I was, etc. nothing real would have been achieved by talking, but it was important to me to get it all straight in my head. Unfortunately, we never did talk about and every time I mentioned it, DH went off in a rage about it. He confessed 2 years later that this had been because the whole incident upset him and whilst my reaction to it was to try and rationalise it all in my head, his was to pretend it hadn't happened. Could your DH be feeling a bit like this and burying his head in the sand?

Iggly at the moment, she can't trust him to support her on this specific matter. he is being unsupportive.

If you both need to address this particular hurdle in your own ways, then so be it. I don't think men focus so much on the dates etc. or see the relevance of those bits.

Go and hopefully you will get the peace you are seeking.

I actually think you raise a very good point there Folkgirl. I think if I do tell him he will expect that I want him to come with me and will feel huge pressure to come.. and he is under terrible, terrible pressure as it is. He has to have a lot of what he needs for this deadline done for tomorrow and if I tell him, he will have that to think about too.

I am actually feeling like I should go and then wrap the scan picture up in a present box and tell him I've done it so he can tell his family. Because there is truth in that and he can't come tomorrow, but perhaps he will feel sad if he knows I am going and he can't be there.. and he will almost certainly feel worried when he doesn't really need to.

Noobynoob, I "agree" with him about the scan rationally too, but because of how it happened, I am not finding it easy to believe in this pregnancy on the basis of that scan. I would love to feel confident and to rationally accept that scan as evidence this pregnancy is safe but for whatever reason I haven't been able to do that and it's not for want of trying.

Yes working he will have to think about that too, and it's hard to think rationally when you're stressed about something else because it all starts to fill your head up and you can't think straight about anything then. :(

Good luck.

Working,

I would definitely go and not tell him. However, what if there is a problem and you cannot just "wrap the pictures up"? What if there is some bad news? Could you cope by yourself and how would it affect your relationship telling him ex post facto?

That is not a recommendation not to go and chances are very high that all is well but you have to think about those questions and answer them to yourself satisfactorily.

I went for 2 scans in my last pregnancy without telling my DH - I also had a lot of pain and was constantly worried, everything turned out well though.

Was your first child a normal delivery? The pain I had with my second DC was often worse than the pain of contractions (I had a long labour the first time that ended in a c-section). None of the doctors could find a reason for the pain (which was in my pelvic area and back) even though I was admitted to hospital for pain relief on several occasions. When I had the baby delivered via another c-section, the surgeon found lots of adhesions that were sticking my bladder and uterus together (this was scar tissue from the first section) and she told me this scar tissue was probably the reason for the pain I'd had.

Sorry to start talking about myself there as it may not be relevant! It's just that if I'd known the reason for the pain it would have been less frightening ( I spent my whole pregnancy terrified that I was going to lose the baby.).

Anyway, good luck :-)

I would just go. I wouldn't lie about it but wouldn't mention it, unless he is the main wage earner and then I'd feel he should have a say in how joint money is spent if mainly earned by him.
I suspect I'd tell my husband "I have booked this scan for tomorrow, I'm sorry you didn't want me to have it but it is very important to me for x reasons" but I'm fairly assertive and earn more than my husband.
I can't imagine ever trying to stop him from having something that was important to him, especially a medical investigation.
Your husband sounds a bit too controlling for my liking.

I can understand a little where you are coming from-I had a similar situation with dp. He was excited about the pregnancy, all well until they picked up a potential problem on the scan...I wanted to talk about it and discuss all the outcomes/options but he refused to. He kept saying that I shouldn't be so negative and everything would be fine (in the end he was right and it was) so I think this is just the way some people respond when they are concerned. Personally I would take the option of dropping it in to conversation casually, something along the lines of nucal needs to be done now so you couldn't wait until the next scan. Id say he's welcome to come but you completely understand that he's busy at work, and it's just routine so its probably easier to go alone. I really wouldn't go down the route of lying/not telling him. Goodluck, and hope the scan goes well

Well, after much thought and consideration I decided not to tell him and to go for the scan.

However, not content with making a simple decision, I worried so much about how I wouldn't be able to meet him last night without telling him that I ended up emailing every scan provider within a 50 mile radius looking for a cancellation. I got one for 5pm last night, and cancelled the scan for today.

I sent dh an email to say I had something to do after work and would explain when I got home, asking him to pick our son up from nursery. Of course, I forgot that I had arranged additional childcare for today and they would mention this to him, which they did of course!

I went off to have the scan. In the waiting room I was kicking myself, thinking how ridiculous I was being and what would I do if everything went wrong and coming up with every more implausible ways out if it had... but as I'd travelled 35 miles to it I sort of had a "do or die" attitude to it at that stage! Thankfully and of course not at all improbably, everything was fine and I was in and out of my expensive scan in 10 minutes and off home again.

When I got home, dh was very interested in why I had booked additional nursery care for today of course. I asked him why he thought I had and he knew immediately, and as Folkgirl suggested he was immediately worried about the fact that he couldn't get off tomorrow but he couldn't let me go to the scan on my own in case there was bad news. His major deadline for drawings to be in for this project is at 1pm and the appointment had been at 10.40 so it really would have put him under unbearable pressure and it was immediately apparent to me why I had wanted not to tell him in the first place.

So I gave him a card, with the pictures in, and he was so relieved and delighted. I can see now that he was as afraid as I was that the scan wouldn't go well and he was worried about the fall-out of negative news about the pregnancy in the middle of this project's final push to deadline. I explained to him that I knew that this scan would stress him out and that I understood the pressure he was under at work and didn't want to do that to him so close to the deadline and he said he was quite touched that I would go so far to put his needs first although I think I was putting mine first too!.

It all worked out, which was good... but the way it panned out gave me a much better insight into how differently he was coping with the same stress. I can see that if there had been bad news it would have been hard for both of us that it happened this way though dh says that he would never have been angry with me for going for the scan without telling him per se, he just wished I didn't want to have one , that I could just go on without one unless I basically started miscarrying.. he confessed that he although he felt that he should support me and be with me he really didn't personally want to go to a scan with me after the last one as he found it so stressful (they found it hard to find the heartbeat last time) so all in all he was very relieved that he had avoided it.

I don't know if I would necessarily recommend it as a course of action but I can see how it was the right thing for us as a couple at this particular moment in time, even if it was a bit risky. Let's just say I wouldn't rush into doing the same thing again maybe, as it really hit me in that waiting room that it might not have been a good outcome and the fall-out from that would be unpredictable as neither of us would really know how to react. Thanks for your advice though people!

Oh I'm so pleased it has all worked out! Congratulations on your pregnancy, and enjoy sharing your news!

I'm so pleased that this has worked out too!

Congratulations!

Some times I think men do prefer to go with the no news is good news line.

Really pleased all is well.

Glad that's sorted out. Btw we didn't tell anyone until after the 20 week scan. It's my first (and the first GC on both sides), with one MC shortly before and I wanted to be sure and in possession of as much information as possible before telling anyone. It helped that the set of GPs we see regularly were away for a couple of weeks before that. I wasn't sure we'd get away with it but I was looking a little tubby round the middle, rather than totally obvious, so, while people migth have suspected, no-one asked.

Sorry should have said some people not some men!

Freudian slip there, Folkgirl?

Great news, and not a "leave the bastard" in sight!

just taking my DH in specific and applying him to all men in general I'm afraid!!

I'm so pleased on all counts. Being hormonal, almost tearful in fact cause I can only imagine your relief. Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy!

What wonderful news and a lovely dh. I think its nice how you have met in the middle on this. Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy.