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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not tell dh that I have booked a private dating scan for tomorrow and go alone?

43 replies

working9while5 · 01/12/2011 11:04

I am asking genuinely how to handle this...

I am 12 weeks + 5 with dc2.

I have had a bit of a topsy turvy pregnancy so far. Had a lot of pelvic/back pain early on so went for an early scan at what by my dates were 6+5 to see that pregnancy appeared to be only 5+4. I was worried this meant the pregnancy might not continue, especially as I had a lot of pain.

Three weeks after this the pain got dramatically worse. Essentially, it was as if I was in labour and I ended up in A and E where they took one look at me and told me I had an undiagnosed ectopic or was miscarrying as I was on all fours and basically writhing in pain. They sent me for a scan before d and c and there was the little embryo, dancing about looking healthy.. which was GREAT but they never really got to the bottom of why I was in such tremendous pain. They just sent me home!

I had booking with midwife following week, and booked for the Nuchal Scan which has to be done by 13+6, I think.. but when the date came through it was for 15+2!!! I'm not even sure what the purpose of that scan is as it's too late for dating AND Nuchal.

In my head, I'd been holding out for next week AT THE LATEST for this scan. I know that the extra three days might not seem like much but really I feel like I am hanging on by the skin of my teeth from not totally LOSING IT, and I've been feeling really stressed out.

Dh just doesn't get it. As far as he's concerned, we had a good scan and that is that and it is silly to worry about the pregnancy. He is really angry with me for not wanting to share the news with our families because he thinks I am being anxious about nothing. We are going to his family this weekend and he is repeatedly saying he wants us to tell them when I am not happy to do so until I have an end-of-first trimester scan. I suggested booking a private scan last week and got a date for after work for him etc etc but he was not happy with this as a solution either and basically told me I couldn't have it!

I don't know why is being such an arse about this. I understand that he had a very different experience in the hospital to me and he can't know, as I do, that my pain was identical to my labour pain and that it's hard for me to accept that it was probably "wind" as the discharging midwife said (!!!!!). The doctor in the A and E was under no such illusions from just looking at me that I was in significant pain but dh just can't see why I am being "so negative". I don't feel negative, I just feel I need reassurance before I am willing to tell everyone.

So, I booked a scan for tomorrow. He can't get off work this week, I know he can't... so I would have to go solo and arrange childcare for our boy. I am very uncomfortable with not telling him because we're not the kind of couple that keeps that kind of thing from eachother BUT at the same time I'm not happy to wait nearly three weeks for this next scan and he's not happy with the idea of a private scan either. I am really torn. I don't like the idea of secrets and lies but I don't want to just let him veto this scan either because I am really feeling quite distressed about it and it is interfering with my everyday life. I feel really wrecked and overwhelmed and stressed out and I want to move on.

AIBU? What should I do instead if I am?

OP posts:
Iwishthestorkwouldbringmybaby · 01/12/2011 11:08

Go for the scan. You come first here and you will just worry if you don't go. You can tell him afterwards and tell him it's his own fault that he wasn't there as he sounds as if he is being quite unsupportive. Good luck.xx

happywheezer · 01/12/2011 11:08

Go on your own

BaublesandCuntingCarolSingers · 01/12/2011 11:09

Tricky one.

I would tell him as soon as possible that you've made up your mind and you are going for the scan. It is YOU who will be worrying for the rest of the pregnancy about every niggle, not him, so YANBU to want to get it done. YABU to keep it from him, though.

Wind can be very painful, I remember my dad ringing an ambulance when I was about 6 because he thought he was having a heart attack. Was just trapped wind, though, and my dad is a big, butch man who doesn't "do" pain or illness. Blush Grin

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy :)

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 01/12/2011 11:11

Go for the scan so you can stop worrying and start loking forward. All this stress can't be good for the baby, let alone your marriage and DS1. Good Luck!

Tuppenyrice · 01/12/2011 11:11

Hello and so sorry you're so distressed.
Is there an early pregnancy unit at your nearest hospital? They would see you with a letter from your GP, you could get an emergency appt with GP then go straight there (if opening hours work out). That way you'd get your earlier scan for free.
I realise that's not your question here and you've thrown up so many issues with your DH being an arse. It's your body and you're worried and I completely agree about not wanting to tell people until you're sure all is ok. That's sensible not negative.
So, how to handle?
Tell him you've booked a scan (if private appt the only solution) and ask if he'd like to join you. Don't argue with him just be calm and say you're really worried and need reassurance so you're taking sensible action. I'm not sure why he feels he call all the shots.
Be strong and good luck x

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 01/12/2011 11:11

looking too Confused

GlitterySkulls · 01/12/2011 11:12

i don't think you are BU at all.

you are stressed & worried & they only way you can reassure yourself is by having the scan.

i'm not really understanding why you would have to keep it a secret though- simply TELL him you ARE having the scan, end of.

Original poster
working9while5 · 01/12/2011 11:15

Sorry I left out an important piece of information, he is under a lot of pressure at work with a major deadline on Tuesday so I don't want him to feel I am forcing him to come to this scan he doesn't agree with. I tried to organise a scan for out of his working time for this reason but he is so adamant he doesn't want me to have it... I suppose I can make it clear to him I don't expect him to come.

OP posts:
stoatie · 01/12/2011 11:16

Can you ring your midwife to see if she can get you a scan within nuchal time frame. It is so worrying in these early weeks so go for scan if it will stop you being anxious, you don't need additional stress.

Good luck

BaublesandCuntingCarolSingers · 01/12/2011 11:17

Well, there you go.

Just drop it into conversation, matter-of-factly, later on tonight. "Oh, by the way, I am off for a private dating scan tomorrow. Will ring you as soon as I am out, okay :)" Don't make an issue of it or make it feel like you are seeking his permission/approval.

SmethwickBelle · 01/12/2011 11:18

I'd be honest about telling him I was going but I'd definitely go! If he doesn't think its a big deal he won't mind missing it and can wait for the NHS appointment to have his look.

Have the extra private scan and if the date is as you thought ask about having the nuchal at the same time, if you can afford it - like you say you only get a small window for this test.

I always err on the side of my instincts in early pregnancy, if only to reduce the stress levels - stress and pregnancy don't mix!

Good luck, hope all is as it should be and you can relax a little.

biddysmama · 01/12/2011 11:22

You are pregnant and scared, i know how that feels, im 32 weeks with my 4th and pregnancy still terrifies me, yanbu, its unfair of him to tell you that you cant have a scan so i'd go for it and if he asks why you did it and didnt tell him then tell him you were scared and couldnt calm down until you had seen the baby and he was being an arse about it.

SooticaTheWitchesCat · 01/12/2011 11:23

Go for the scan. If he doesn't want to go and can't get time off just tell him you are going alone. Don't stress about it, that will do you no good.

Good luck x

kreechergotstuckupthechimney · 01/12/2011 11:25

As long as you can afford it I can't see why he would be difficult. Honestly.

Kveta · 01/12/2011 11:28

oh, you poor thing :( I'd go for it, but let him know you are tbh. this is because I am incapable of keeping a secret though.

It would be worth ringing the ultrasound dept too, and asking about the nuchal screening and checking if they can get you in earlier. I have mine at 14+1, so am hoping that is not too late - had dating scan at 10+5, so foetus was too wee then, and the next date they could offer me was next week when I'll be 14+1. I'm pretty sure the sonographer said 12-14 weeks was best for it anyway.

fingers crossed for you.

Original poster
working9while5 · 01/12/2011 11:31

Thanks. I have booked the childcare now because I think that will help with being matter-of-fact about it. I don't think I'd manage to keep it a secret anyway as I am useless but at least when childcare is booked he can't say that I am pressuring him to come.

I honestly don't know what his issue is with this. He has always been so good with me in pregnancy, was doing everything with our son and all the housework and all of that up until I ended up in hospital and to be honest he's like a different person since. I've been with him nearly 12 years and this is just so unlike him that it's a bit bewildering for me. I think it's the work pressure, he's not usually involved with major project deadlines and I think it's all been too much. I sympathise, but I can't just put up with stressing myself because he's stressing about work.

Yeah, I like that "oh by the way..." approach.

OP posts:
MurderOfProse · 01/12/2011 11:32

Go. You have to live with this 24/7 with it occupying your every thought, he does not. He can never know what it is like to have a complicated pregnancy.

Also, you really do need the NT scan before 13w6d gestationally or it's useless. It's a lot harder to date accurately as well.

It's up to you if you tell him you're going beforehand - for me I would tell DH and tell him what I said above too beforehand, but everyone's relationship is different. For you it may be better to present it as a done deal.

Sorry to hear you're having such a stressful time.

squeakytoy · 01/12/2011 11:32

Tell him the midwife suggested it...

NinkyNonker · 01/12/2011 12:19

I would absolutely go, and am glad you are. I was paranoid as anything with DD as I had no symptoms etc, so I went for private scans. DH thought I was a bit bonkers I think, but went along with it happily.

SoupDragon · 01/12/2011 12:22

So you're going to pay for a private scan which he feels is unnecessary and not tell him?

Going alone - fine, but not telling him at all? Not so sure that's a good idea.

ChaosTrillyReigns · 01/12/2011 12:25

YANBU to want to go, but YWBU to do it without telling him.

How could he veto it? You book it, arrange childcare, and go.

But it seems wrong to lie about it.

Tinkerisdead · 01/12/2011 12:33

I would go.

The sonographer couldnt do my nuchal at my scan and I was 12weeks +5. I then had to chase around for a private appointment and to have the nuchal done at the same time as the dating part was £170.00 and no appointments until I was 14w +2. I couldnt hide that financial transaction from DH so I told him. I was panicking because the blood test that accompanies the nuchal would have taken a week to come through and put me at over 15 weeks, to which the midwife told me that at that point It would be a "delivery option" should I choose to terminate. My head was in a massive spin and because I gained nothin from the scan compared to waiting for the triple blood test, I opted to wait for that. If you can squeeze all the scan etc in to get all the information you need to be happy in your pregnancy, I'd do it. Good luck.

PicaK · 01/12/2011 12:44

Sounds to me like he's got into the frame of mind that if he doesn't see something as a problem then it isn't a problem. Bit ostrich like but would explain his out.of character reluctance for you to go for the scan.

But it's not his body. This is something you need to do. Don't have a secret - but don't have a row either. Stay calm. Think of it as him trying to control a situation in his way rather than trying to control you. But go for the scan.

Perhaps if all ok you could tell the family though.

NoobyNoob · 01/12/2011 14:03

I think YABU not to tell him, if you want to go then fine.

Imagine how he'd feel that you kept it a secret from him. I'd be hurt and pissed off if I were him. I actually agree with him as to what he said about the scan, too.

Iggly · 01/12/2011 14:07

Maybe he's scared too? Have you asked him directly?

YABU for not telling him. What happens if something is wrong? He might feel like you can't trust him to support you.

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