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AIBU?

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Original poster

ever had to De-Godmother? LONG SORRY

47 replies

rottingpatience · 30/11/2011 23:15

I've namechanged for this, if you recognise please don't out me as its a complex and sensitive issue and you never knows who's reading.

My friend was very enthusiastic about being godmother when I became pregnant, she asked me. I agreed.
, did nice things i.e organise baby shower etc, when my dc was born didnt make much of an effort to see him and I would often log on to Facebook to see night outs with lads in the next city.
I suffered a lot with Pre- natal and post natal and the general isolation of motherhood, I'd Blush often but very whingy statuses on fb basically as a cry for help, ...that was never answered. :(
when I'd ask if she wanted to pop down after work but i'd been told she was too busy working. I never confronted In didnt want to loose a mate as wierd as it may sound.

Went to uni, I understand life changes.
but even on my dc birthday no card text, never ask's how he is, never comments on photo's.
I havent been up to visit in a while,I think she may be miffed but just moved into a home and ferrying a toddler on a pram on trains etc not fun!.

What makes it worse is there is kids in her family a similar age which theres much interest shown and lots of visits, I know there family but still, a godparent isnt a light thing.

WIBU to ask someone else to be godmother??

OP posts:
PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 30/11/2011 23:18

You could always ask family members and then you have the built in "excuse" that your mum/aunty/cousin/sister kicked up a big fuss and was really really upset and it was easier to ask them to make your mum/gran/sister/aunty ahappy and have a quiet life, and you know she'll understand because she's sensible (the implication being she's somehow better than that and "they" drove you mad until you had to agree to shut them up)

squeakytoy · 30/11/2011 23:21

Godparents quite often disappear out of a childs life. I think mainly because they are based on adult friendships a lot of the time, and those friendships drift and contact is lost.. it just happens sadly.

It happened to me as a kid, and it happened to lots of others who I know.. even more so nowadays as couples split up more often and friendships change again.

You cant really ask anyone else to be a godmother, nor can you force the person who is to step up.

I think it is better to have a family member as a godparent really, (sibling or cousin) as you are a lot less likely to lose contact with them as time goes on.

runningwilde · 30/11/2011 23:22

I would not even use an excuse. Just use someone else and don't explain or anything. Just do it. She has shown no interest and that says it all. Give your child someone who cares and don't worry about offending her as she has not shown much care to you.

Hope you are feeling better now op and coming through your pnd x

troisgarcons · 30/11/2011 23:23

godmother ????

And the Christening was when?

Cherriesarelovely · 30/11/2011 23:25

This is really difficult one. Are you worried about losing her friendship or are you at the point where you don't think there is a friendship there to lose? I think, unless you want to have an argument/fall out you should just tell her that you felt it was more sensible for your DC to have Godparents who were around on a more regular basis such as your cousin or whoever. I definitely wouldn't let her be a Godparent though, no matter how awkward it might be.

marriedandwreathedinholly · 30/11/2011 23:25

You have moved on as a mother. Your friend isn't there yet. She is not the godmother; she has not made any promises before God yet on behalf of your child. There is no need to de godmother, you simply have to chose someone who you believe will be a sincere godmother to your child.

Becoming a godparent and being part of a service and making the promises required before God on behalf of the child do not in my opinon sit comfortably with telling half truths about having to ask family members to fill the role. Also there is no limit on the number of godparents a child can have.

I think you should have a chat to your friend and be honest with her in a kind way.

squeakytoy · 30/11/2011 23:25

Good point trois.. if there hasnt been a christening, then there isnt a godparent anyway.

Original poster
rottingpatience · 30/11/2011 23:26

its being planned it hasnt been yet

OP posts:
cat64 · 30/11/2011 23:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

WorraLiberty · 30/11/2011 23:27

Are we talking about a proper Godmother here or one of these 'besty friendy' type situations where they're supposed to be like the favourite Aunt or something?

If she's a proper Godmother, you'll have to talk to your Priest.

cat64 · 30/11/2011 23:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

TheFallenMadonna · 30/11/2011 23:29

So she's not actually the godmother? Ask someone else.

tx12noone · 30/11/2011 23:33

Assuming this isn't a religious relationship - if it is you should ask your church for advice - then simply speak to whomever you would want to parent your child in the event of both you and your DP dying. Then make out a will naming that person as guardian. You need never speak to the 'godmother' about this, and she will simply drift off into obscurity.

Original poster
rottingpatience · 30/11/2011 23:34

well she is/was my best friend yes, no im still considering.

OP posts:
tx12noone · 30/11/2011 23:35

x-posted

Easy one then, just ask someone else if christening hasn't happened yet. Also, make out that will and appoint a guardian (maybe the same person as in the religious ceremony, maybe not).

Original poster
rottingpatience · 30/11/2011 23:35

Its one of those situations where civility is still there no and again ill get a message etc, so the idea of causing friction is a worry.

OP posts:
Moln · 30/11/2011 23:36

If she's not the godmother then there is not reason why you can't ask someone else (though admittedly it might have a fall out, but if you are both drifting apart it mightn't make any difference anyway

though once a godparent is a godparent they can't be changed offically

thatboysmum · 30/11/2011 23:38

I am in the same situation as you except I have had my my DS's christening so it is official!
I would love to de-godmother/father but I don't think its possible, I am annoyed at myself for choosing them both in the first place now.
If I was you I would definitely choose someone else who has more involvement in your child's life and would actually take on the role whole heartedly. Forget about what you've agreed, I probably wouldn't even mention it unless she asked and would then explain that you have chosen 'x' because they have a closer relationship with your child which is what a godparent should have.

QuintessentialyFestive · 30/11/2011 23:40

You can have more than one.

Strictly speaking, she is not the babys godmother.

Chose another, so your baby has two godparents, preferably one family member, as family will always be closer. Friendships move on, often.

1944girl · 30/11/2011 23:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pigletmania · 30/11/2011 23:59

I would forget it and not ask her at all. You have every right to ask somebody who does love and care for your ds, be it family or friends. As you said she has shown no interest or enthusiasm, on that basis she is not right to be your ds godmother, do not feel guilty.

MordechaiVanunu · 30/11/2011 23:59

Godmothers are really not worth betting hung up about.

It seems a big deal when you're choosing, and if you're asked, and the christening and stuff is nice, but in reality they rarely mean much or do much, except be you're parents friend and be around, until they drift away from your parents, and you.

Some people have wonderful stories about loving influential Godparents, but in reality most adults would struggle to name theirs and rarely see them.

One of those things that seems massively significant but isn't really.

pigletmania · 30/11/2011 23:59

The Christening hasen't taken place, its your call.

oxeye · 01/12/2011 00:08

why not just ask someone else as well? No need to "de-godmother" if you are still friends, have two, or three. No need to make them guardians either. If what you want is an adult to have a special relationship with your child then just ask. I think they are important because you also are saying to a friend/ family member that you want them to be involved and are inviting them into your family unit
hope you are feeling happier and pnd is under control

Thruaglassdarkly · 01/12/2011 01:25

I'd also love to have a different GM for DD1 but she was dedicated several years ago, so it's a moot point probably. In the months leading up to her dedication, I'd become very close friends with another mother with a child the same age. Because we did everything together and she was involved heavily in DD1's life - she became like a sister to me - I asked her to be a GM.

Fastforward 6 years later and we never see her. She's befriended another close friend of mine and now that friend's kids stay over at her house and enjoy a close relationship with her whilst my DD hardly seems to exist. Last year she suggested we stop exchanging Christmas gifts for our kids and all I could think was, "But I trusted you to be DD's godparent! Don't you want to even acknowledge that with a homemade gift or something, for her sake even if you no longer have any time for me and our friendship?" I said I was happy to carry it on, even though she has three kids for me to buy for and I have only two. This year I can't be bothered. If she doesn't want to acknowledge my child as her god-daughter, there's nothing I can do. I should have listened to my oldest friend (also DD1's GM), who at the time was extremely circumspect about my choice. Fortunately my DD1 has 2 other GMs and a GF she CAN count on.

So don't pick someone for this important role unless you trust that they will follow through, OP. You'll only regret it and be short-changing your child. I really wish my friend and I had stayed close, but she's not interested in either me or her GD. You can't force these things as I have learned to my regret.

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