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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

ever had to De-Godmother? LONG SORRY

47 replies

rottingpatience · 30/11/2011 23:15

I've namechanged for this, if you recognise please don't out me as its a complex and sensitive issue and you never knows who's reading.

My friend was very enthusiastic about being godmother when I became pregnant, she asked me. I agreed.
, did nice things i.e organise baby shower etc, when my dc was born didnt make much of an effort to see him and I would often log on to Facebook to see night outs with lads in the next city.
I suffered a lot with Pre- natal and post natal and the general isolation of motherhood, I'd often but very whingy statuses on fb basically as a cry for help, ...that was never answered. :(
when I'd ask if she wanted to pop down after work but i'd been told she was too busy working. I never confronted In didnt want to loose a mate as wierd as it may sound.

Went to uni, I understand life changes.
but even on my dc birthday no card text, never ask's how he is, never comments on photo's.
I havent been up to visit in a while,I think she may be miffed but just moved into a home and ferrying a toddler on a pram on trains etc not fun!.

What makes it worse is there is kids in her family a similar age which theres much interest shown and lots of visits, I know there family but still, a godparent isnt a light thing.

WIBU to ask someone else to be godmother??

OP posts:

ShengdanRoad · 01/12/2011 07:39

Isn't the purpose of a godmother to bring up the child if anything happens to the parents?

Slightlyreluctantexpat · 01/12/2011 07:46

No. You'd need to have that specified in your will. Nothing legally binding on godparents per se, as far as I know.

LoveBeingAFirework · 01/12/2011 07:47

And this is why my dd has never been christened, I couldn't think if people good enough

TaffyandTeenyTaffy · 01/12/2011 07:53

My DS has 6 God-parents - 4 very close friends and 2 family members - as were only able to have one child and I could not choose between them. We had a very accommodating and understanding vicar. So you could have her and a couple of other more hands-on god-parents ... if you think its worth it!
(I think 3 are quite normal.)

deemented · 01/12/2011 08:01

My DS2's godparents are no longer involved in our lives. My best friend and her husband simply couldn't cope with the thought that they would never be real life actual parents and decied to sever contact as apparently 'it all hurt too much'

Funny really, as they were delighted to have been asked an accepted willingly despite me telling them there was no pressure etc. It was only years later when i fell pregnant with DD that they decided that they couldn't be in our lives any longer.

Sad, but not the end of the world.

BarkisIsWillin · 01/12/2011 08:23

My dd's godparents were our friends, husband and wife. They are now divorced and he is completely out of the picture. When it came to confirmation, and my daughter was asking about her godfather, we told her to choose a new one (I gave her a few names) and she chose a family member. Nothing religious involved in either de-godfathering or choosing new one, it's just unofficial and new gf gives her a bit of extra attention at Christmas etc. Her original gm is still there and is a wonderful gm, takes interest in every part of dd's life. Back to OP, if christening hasn't taken place yet I would just tell friend that you are under pressure to ask a family member (and make sure you have a suitable one lined up)

scarletfingernail · 01/12/2011 08:49

You don't need to de-Godmother someone who was never the Godmother in the first place.

A Godmother can only call herself one if the the Christening has actually taken place. Nothing official has happened here so you are lucky you are able to change your mind.

I wish we'd chosen someone else for DS's Godfather but it's too late for us now as we've already had the Christening. Sadly the novelty wears off for a lot of people after the actual event so it's good really that it's happened in your case beforehand.

Don't mention it to your friend again, go ahead with the Christening and ask someone else. If it ever comes up explain you asked X for whatever reason and that you didn't think she'd mind. It'd be too late then even if she says she does. Actions speak louder than words though so you shouldn't feel bad.

LoveBeingFullOfChristmasCheet · 01/12/2011 08:57

I guess you mean how are you going to tell her she is not going to be godmother?

redwineformethanks · 01/12/2011 09:20

If you want to make a point, then ask someone else and explain to your friend that you feel you've not seen so much of her lately, therefore chose to ask someone else instead

If you're keen to keep the door open, ask your original friend and someone else too

AnaisB · 01/12/2011 09:21

Going against the grain here - I'm shocked that you'd "de-godmother" her (even though it is unofficial). I don't see why its relevant that she was going out a lot - although I guess it emphasized your sense of isolation. Facebook status updates can be misinterpreted - maybe she thought you meant them in a lighthearted way. Also, some people feel uncomfortable about Facebook support. I'd invite your friend to your DC's birthday partys etc - maybe even suggest a trip to a grotto or similar.

Lots of godparents don't feature heavily in their children's lives. If this isn't what you want you could ask a relative to be the godfather. Bare in mind though, she may come into her own as a godmother in teenage years.

Also, regardless of her godmother status, if this is a friendship that you want to keep going, could you talk to her directly about the depression you experienced?

Miette · 01/12/2011 09:22

You can pick someone else, but maybe don't invite her to the Christening or post pictures of it with the replacement Godmother on Facebook as that could be tricky. What was the relevance of her posting on Facebook about "night outs with lads in the next city?"

AnaisB · 01/12/2011 09:23

("Shocked" is a strong word. I hope it didn't offend you. I just meant that I'd be hurt if it happened to me.)

kreechergotstuckupthechimney · 01/12/2011 09:33

My DDs godparents haven't seen her since she was 2.
She's now 10.6.
IMO, godparents are a nice idea, but not much use practically. Me and DH have already made arrangments about where DD goes in the event of our untimely death together.
DD will go to my sister and her DH. DDs godparents are both childless and neither live in the UK.

pinkdelight · 01/12/2011 09:46

Agree with AnaisB. Don't put too much faith in FB as a place to get support. Talk to her instead if you can. Sounds like she's too busy to be the kind of godmother you want, although like others have said, it's not such a big deal really, even though it may seem so now. Not worth losing a best friend over.

aldiwhore · 01/12/2011 09:48

A God parent has no legal rights or obligations, how important it is to you and them, well it depends on you and them!

My kids haven't see one of their Godparents in 5 years. For me, asking her to be Godparent was simply saying "Its the only way I can think of to make you feel valued as my friend and my intent that you're part of our family". (I'm not Christian either we had a Christening to appease dying relatives - I was quite happy to do it, as it made no difference to me either way).

I've since formed friendships with other significant adults, I don't feel I need to ask them to be 'sort of Godparents' neither do I want the ones we've got to look after my children should something happen to DH and I.

Panda1234 · 01/12/2011 09:51

Maybe you're expecting quite a lot from her and she has a life too? She organised a baby shower, which was nice and must have taken a fair amount of effort.

Since then, it sounds like you've expected her to do all the travelling, sending cards and getting in touch, and you sound a bit resentful that she still goes out. And the Facebook stuff about her not replying to your whingy statuses and not commenting on your photos... it's a bit childish.

I would maybe see if, as well as expecting her to pay attention to you, you can get a babysitter and go out with her for a night out too.

None of that will really sort out the godparent issue, but as loads of people have pointed out, you can just ask someone else.

thisisyesterday · 01/12/2011 09:51

yanbu

she was keen to take on the role of godparent but as yet has shown no interest in doing that,
are you/is she really prepared to stand up in church and make promises to God to help guide your child through life?

if not then choose someone else who can take on the role fully. Some people aren't bothered by absent godparents, but you clearly are (and rightly so IMO) and you should choose the person you feel can best fill the role of Godparent to your child.

thisisyesterday · 01/12/2011 09:53

or you could just keep her and have another couple of godparents who you feel will do the job properly? that way everyone is happy?

reallytired · 01/12/2011 11:03

I find all the stuff to do with christenings hypocritical. I would love my dd to be christened, but I don't know of anyone suitable. I wanted my nine year old son to be a Godparent as he has taken first communion. I was was flatly told that a god parent has to be over 14. I am waiting until dd is seven years old and won't need godparents. Prehaps ds can be her sponser instead.

I feel that a godparent needs to be someone who has a personal relationship with Jesus. There role is to help nuture the christian faith of the child.

My SIL has been a very good godparent on both the relgious and personal side. My brother has been useless on the religous upbringing side, but he has been involved with my son. We lost contact with my son's other god parent after 5 years.

I think your expections of what a godparent's role is unreasonable. Do you actually know what infant baptism is about?

Maryz · 01/12/2011 11:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lottiegb · 01/12/2011 11:35

Not christened yet so there's time to choose whoever you like. Will she even remember, was it a big deal when you agreed, or just a passing fancy on her part?

On choosing, if the religious aspect is important then of course you need to think about who is best from that perspective. Otherwise, I think it's great to have godparents who are not related to you but who can be relied upon to maintain a long-term relationship with the child, even if from a distance, or if they don't remain close to the parents. Easier if they do of course but it's about the child's relationship, not yours. I can't see the point of having relatives as gps, as the child will have a relationship with them anyway and I think one of the valuable things about a godparent is it is someone with a slightly different perspective / lifestyle / experience to offer the child, who the child could turn to for an impartial chat or independent point of view - a very valuable thing IMO, for a child to have a relationship with an adult that is clearly their own, not secondary to their parents' relationship and not confused with other relationships and obligations to the same person.

I had one godmother who was a close friend of my mum but drifted away quite early. The other (with husband as GF) was my Dad's landlady when a student (he lodged in her house, played chess with her children) and she's been brilliant, from a distance, perhaps because she knew from the start that the relationship wouldn't work as a sidleline to friendship with my parents but would require distinct effort.

lottiegb · 01/12/2011 11:38

Your relationship with your friend is another thing - I'd agree about not relying on fb, it's not real life, just projection of a persona - and needing to talk.

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