DP 'playfighting" with me

[IWannaBeTheMinority]

Started a new thread because the last one went funny.

Just been to the cinema with DP. Before the film started he "playfully" punching my leg. He did this 3 times and the 3rd time actually really hurt. I hit him in the arm in response and told him it had hurt. He acted shocked and said he couldn't understand how he'd hurt me as he was only doing it lightly. He said he must have accidently hit a nerve or something. I let it go because in the past we have had playfights but I have stopped them because a) it's just stupid and b) it always ends up going too far.

So we're sitting there, he goes to hold my hand and then nips it really hard and giggles. I pulled my hand away and asked what the fuck he was playing at and that it really hurt (this hurt more than the first thing). He looked confused and just said "what???" as if he didn't know what he'd done. At this point I almost walked out. I'm wishing now that I had.

As I said we have done the playfight thing in the past but I don't react anymore and have told him I'm not doing that anymore. AIBU to have been really annoyed by these things in the cinema?? I don't see other couples sat there punching and nipping each other. He's now acting as if nothing has happened.

I wouldn't ramp up the aggression, tbh

just the one husband, and a lack of apostrophes!

and when I say he has hurt my arm a few times.. I would say less than five times in the eleven years we have been together... I have caused him far more pain with very poor throwing of tv remotes and such..

H had a male 'friend', let's call him Rob, who did this kind of thing to me, a too hard nudge or some slapstick that was just so inane, like sticking out a foot to trip me up...not all the time, I hasten to add but a few times over the course of the time we knew him. To say that I was surprised, from someone I considered fairly intelligent, was an understatement as no man I knew behaved so bizarrely!

The first time, I said "What on earth are you doing?"
The second time, I was genuinely angry "Don't you dare"...followed by him being all hurt/I'd totally over-reacted/FGS reaction.
The relationship cooled somewhat after that, but we all met up a few times socially and on the last occasion he 'jokingly' tipped the glass I was drinking from and caught my lip - H punched him!

Rob was a total relationship inadequate too - whiny, negative, nursed hurts like a pfb

Personally, I'd have to spell it out so you are totally and unambiguously clear.

Then if he does it again, I'd get shot.

This sounds abusive. Sorry, OP.

I like playfighting but I'd never dream of hurting the person I was play wrestling with and I'd be pretty shocked if I thought that they had hurt me on purpose too and didn't stop immediately if they accidently did.

He's hurting you on purpose under the guise of 'play'. Thats really bad

Ok. What he's doing is not normal and not ok. However, if you're otherwise in a healthy and loving relationship i presume you want to address it and try to change things? Does he have problems expressing himself? Does he speak up when he's annoyed? Show you appropriate affection when he's being loving? This requires serious discussion and a change in behaviour patterns.

It is not normal, no.

It is not the same, but I had a very close female friend who started poking me hard in the ribs every time she saw me - sneaking up behind. I am very ticklish and it gave me a nasty 'jolt'. She obviously thought this was funny. It made my blood boil, especially because she was a lot smaller than me and knew I would never retaliate for fear of really hurting her.

She is no longer my friend. I couldn't be doing with the stress. If I'd actually lived with her and been intimate with her, she'd be under the patio right now.

Give him a serious warning and next time he does it after that , ditch.

If a stranger did that to you, you'd be thinking about whether to call the police; it's assault. Just because it's a loved one does NOT make it alright Why would anyone who loves and cares for you, hurt you? It's not accidental, it's deliberate, and even if he says he "didn't mean it to hurt that much " that in itself says he did mean it to hurt a bit - WHY? how is that remotely loving? How does hitting someone a little bit make it alright? He breaks your nail and it's ok, he breaks your arm and it's OOPS? He breaks your neck and tells the judge he didn't mean it, you moved at the wrong time and he was trying to hug you and is sorry? Where does it end... the longer you put up with this, the more he will do. He's pushing the boundaries, and may well be getting some kind of kick from it (why else would he do it?) and it IS weird, and it IS wrong, and it is NOT normal. Please don't stay until he actually does you real damage - which he will if you aren't very clear that you will not tolerate his behaviour, and then, next time he does it, after you've spelled it out, you need to actually leave. There will be a next time. Don't let it be the time that he really hurts you :(

this is not playing

he is playing a mind game with you though by telling you that hurting you is only playing to make it look ok to harm you

it is not ok

YANBU - I hate stupidness like that!

Your partner is angry with you and instead of telling you that has decided to abuse you instead.

I actually can't imagine this scenario, usually play-fighting is all about two people having fun, perhaps it goes too far, but the scenario in the cinema when he 'nips' you (whatever that is?) he already knew you weren't up for any playful behaviour, so basically he attacked you to get a response. My response would be to walk out.

On the very rare occasions either myself or my husband have hurt each other (e.g.accidentally), and the other has realised, we've been really sorry and apologised.

You obviously know this is wrong as you are saying you wished you walked out/are disturbed by his lack of apology.

Not sure what you want others to say, it's not normal, I don't see others doing it either and it is disturbing to you, why stick around for more?

OP you mention in the past that 'playfights... always used to go too far.' I'm finding this rather unsettling - how far did they go?

This all sounds very worrying

I can understand play fighting, but to say he couldn't have hurt you because he didn't hit hard, or to pinch and laugh is not play. to not stop when you have asked is not play.

I can remember a thread about this before too.

I'll say the same thing as I thought then, seriously weird and if you're not comfortable with it he should just stop. Knob.

Women's Aid
Just in case you want to have a wee browse of info, advice, and hear from people who've been through abusive relationships.

Are you alright there OP?

How do you feel about what posters have said?

You most certainly are NOT being unreasonable OP, he is an abusive fucker.
How long have you been with him?
I am also wondering what he's done to you in the past?

Really I think that there is some major overreaction from some posters on this thread. Shouts of abuse, leave him etc just because its gone a bit too far. To me he sounds immature, and if he is loving and caring in other areas of your relationship than I don't think this is a biggie. If you don't like it you have to tell him as some people just don't see that its gone to far.

I'm usually the first one to think - if not say - 'leave the bastard', but I'm with piglet on this one...

I am still wondering what you're doing with someone who sounds cringe-worthily annoying though...

It sounds more annoying than abusive. I used to have a 'friend' at uni who thought that he was being funny by pinching me playfully and tickling. More bugging me than abusive, he was very immature and thought that he was a 10 year old boy.

Wow, piglet and slinking, just wow.
He hurt her, on purpose, and thought it was funny.
She told him it hurt, he pretended not to realise his own strength, then he hurt her again, but worse.
It really pisses me off that there are women on here who defend this kind of thing :(

When I think of playfighting, I think of tickling, holding someone down, having fun. I don't think of someone punching you three times, I just don't. I bet no-one else in the cinema was playing fun punching games that hurt either. That's the easiest way to see if something is typical.

im with piglet

hes clearly a dick

a monumental dick

but it hardly warrents womens aid for fucks sake

jesus christ

i would advocate this strange but effective rare solution.

what you need is

a table
two chairs

you each sit on a chair

you say " i would like to have this somewhat formal conversation to tell you that your play fighting is immature and it hurts."

he says " don't be so soft/i didn't mean to hurt you"
you say " you did hurt me non the less, i don't want this to happen again in the future. I don't find this funny and if you think about it it is a bit strange that a grown man acts this way. it is peurile and jeuvinile. it is the way that a 5 year old boy may act when he likes a girl, certainly not the actions of a grown man. So now you know my feelings on this will you agree to stop?"

he says "yes"