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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Having a sibling far out weights being privately educated?

117 replies

tryingtobemarypoppins2 · 29/11/2011 22:22

AIBU??

OP posts:
1Catherine1 · 29/11/2011 23:42

What a great thread. Will save this to show to the DP...

Personally I think a sibling is very important but my OH disagrees as his sister is a bitch he doesn't get along with his sister very well. I have 2 wonderful siblings and one that acts like an only child.

I would choose another sibling.

elastamum · 29/11/2011 23:43

Not really, for me it equals very happy achieving children and a silent late night worry about where the next 10 years fees are coming from (I am a LP). BUT we started down this route when I was married and I plan to continue.

spartafc · 29/11/2011 23:45

I had a terrible childhood because of my sister. She was completely foul. If she could make me unhappy then she did, and she enjoyed it. It was horrible and I struggle even now to forget how she treated me. So for me, and my one and only DS (who is likely to stay that way) I think siblings can be over-rated. Although, I do like to hear about sisters who get on, but it's in a remote sort of 'imagine that' type way.

WednesdayPlums · 29/11/2011 23:48

My brother and I both went to state schools and have both done well career- and salary-wise; my brother phenomenally so. So, I'd choose good state + sibling any day of the week.

You don't need a private education to be a success in life - it will give you a leg up if you don't have much gumption, need a bit of hand-holding, and someone watching over your shoulder keeping you on the straight and narrow...

But a sibling is priceless.

montmartre · 29/11/2011 23:48

I think justified is possibly one of my siblings!
And I agree all the way.

YABU- it's not always the case. Depends very strongly on where you live too these days.

aubergineinautumn · 30/11/2011 00:01

I chose a sibling over private primary but spaced them out so I could do private secondary x2.

ShengdanRoad · 30/11/2011 03:43

My parents decided against having (i.e. adopting) a second child to be able to afford to send me to a private school. In my opinion, this is the best decision they could ever have made.

I have since met my half-siblings (from birth mother) and value my education far more than my relationships with them.

sleepywombat · 30/11/2011 04:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jacksmania · 30/11/2011 04:41

I would have gladly traded my sister for a private education. I doubt my parents could have found anyone to buy her, though.

CheerfulYank · 30/11/2011 05:14

Depends on the person. I plan to fill in the educational gaps at home for my DS, and I want lots of children. So for me, it's not as important. But for someone else, having an only works better.

HughBastard · 30/11/2011 05:44

Depends on you and your family and your children. There is no one-size-fits-all answer to this question.

flapperghasted · 30/11/2011 05:56

Thank you so much for adding to the angst of a mum, from a huge family herself, who can't have more than one child. I don't worry enough about her. And she isn't privately education either. Some of us don't have a choice with EITHER of these two things. Yes. YABU. And offensive. And my first thoughts were slightly less eloquent and ended with the word off. And actually, that may be my prevailing thought on this particular thread. I'm now going to hide it but hope you realise how much this might hurt some people.

seeker · 30/11/2011 06:33

You know, sometimes you come up against mind sets that make you wish you were a different species..........

Kayzr · 30/11/2011 06:46

Definitely another sibling here. My brother got on my nerves at times but I'd rather have him and a state education.

My DSes would stay at state schools even if we won the lottery.

Morloth · 30/11/2011 07:18

We thought long and hard about this exact question.

I think if we had been staying in London then we would maybe have come down on the privately educated only.

But as we were moving home and to an area where I felt the local schools were awesome we decided to have DS2.

If we really wanted to/thought it was necessary we could send them both private, I don't believe it is necessary so we have spent the money on the house instead.

LadySybil · 30/11/2011 07:25

sibings. always siblings. I see too many young adults burdened with ageing parents, and no one to share them with. Its good to be able to have a rant about how unreasonable your mum is being with someone who loves her as much as you do, and will be able to take the slack sometimes.

Chandon · 30/11/2011 07:32

ridiculous comparison IMHO.

Have as many kids as YOU can and want to.

Then worry about education later. For many children Private Ed. is not necessary. My 2 DC will prob end up at different schools as they are so different. (one G&T one SEN)

EnjoyResponsibly · 30/11/2011 07:38

Whether YABU depends on your reason for asking, but I can tell you that in case after 6 attempts of IVF and approx £35k it's unlikely that DS would have gotten a sibling even if we tried.

Because he is an only we were able to afford private education having not been allocated a place at any of the 3 state schools we wanted, and having been allocated to a failing school where the kids only go to school 80% of the time.

The thing is, threads like this make me a bit paranoid that people will think our motive for having an only child is so that we can afford PE. It also saddens me when people criticise others for having an OC without knowing why. I worry enough that DS will suffer in some way without adding to my guilt.

seeker · 30/11/2011 07:40

" For many children Private Ed. is not necessary"

Good to know!

NinkyNonker · 30/11/2011 07:43

Yanbu

wordfactory · 30/11/2011 07:50

Hmmm...I was an only who wished I had siblings.

Yet my DH has a sibling who he doesn't get along with and MN is full of posters with diabolical relationships with their siblings so I know he's not alone.
Maybe having siblings isn't always the great thing we think it is.

That said, I went to a shit school to, and I would have done anything to be somewhere else...

Acekicker · 30/11/2011 08:44

I see too many young adults burdened with ageing parents, and no one to share them with.

Strange, I know plenty of onlies (my family do not 'do' siblings apparently) and they all manage just fine; I've also seen a few people who have siblings shoulder the whole burden because for various reasons other siblings can't/won't help. Onlies tend to form extremely strong friendships in my experience and those people support them through life - just because they don't share DNA with them doesn't mean they're not just as strong support.

Re the schooling thing, I would strongly suspect that it may not be the whole story as to why someone has one child - there are so many other reasons. However given the grilling and general approbation that some folk fling at parents of onlies I can well imagine some making a flippant comment back that could give that impression - it's probably a hell of a lot quicker to make an off the cuff remark, than explaining things like the heartache of secondary infertility, miscarriages, why you're not cruel/selfish etc...

CailinDana · 30/11/2011 08:56

Private education in Ireland is pants and my sister is pants so it would have been a lose/lose scenario for me.

No way on god's green earth would I pay teachers directly to teach my son. My mother is a secondary teacher, I'm a primary teacher and I know what they're like Grin I don't see why anyone thinks paying more money = better teachers. It makes no sense to me. If you want your child in an old boys/girls network that's a different thing though. I suppose if you're willing to pay for connections that might be worth it?

Hulababy · 30/11/2011 09:13

I have an only child. She s 9y and she is in private education.

Afaik I have a very happy,sociable young child. A sibling may have been nice but we don't angst over it. It's out of our hands. Dd has sometimes asked re siblings but understands.

Our decision to use private education was unrelated to her having a sibling or not. Obviously there ony being one child does make it financially easier though.

I know several on,y child, most wadults. All are fine and happy, no social issues, no worries over older parents. I also knw some people with siblingsvwhonreally dont get on. I aso know adults with siblings who are still left being he ony one looking out for an ageing parent.

Dh is a solicitor and deals with families every day. He sees so many fall outs and nastiness between siblings, very sad.

You can't know what will happen between siblings. Often it is good, sometimes not. Have a second child fr yourself, not just as a sibling.

Trills · 30/11/2011 09:13

YABU

Neither siblings nor private education are necessarily a life-enhancing experience.